Why do I find it so difficult ?

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

Triple Bogey

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 17, 2013
Messages
5,122
Reaction score
7
Location
Hull
To ask a woman out on a date ?

I had an opportunity today and I suddenly felt sick and lost my nerve.
It's not 'fear of rejection' because I am not that bothered. (I like her but not that much !)

I can't do it, it's the utter embarrassment of it that puts me off.
I felt like this when I was 16, I haven't changed a bit. I can chat with women (even ones I like) easy, I have no problems with that. But asking a lady out even for a coffee seems beyond me.

I don't know what's wrong with me ?
 
"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."

Incorporate the above, with "hey, would you like to get some coffee tomorrow?" or something similar. You'll thank you me later ;)

On a more serious note, yes it's daunting, but hell you only live once. You mention it's not a "fear of rejection" (that is my fear) so if that isn't it I don't see what the big deal is. Unless it's having to face her again and again at your workplace. Just ask her.
 
kamya said:
[video=youtube]


Hahaha!! From the classic movie, Risky Business...I echo that sentiment, one of the best pieces of advice ever - run with this, TripleB, and you'll be surprised where it can get you in life. :)
 
Habit? All my life I won't say hello first to people. Now, I CAN"T DO IT. I mean seriously I am struck mute.

Even though, once they say hello i will never stop talking... and I am a spokesperson so I do a fair amount of public speaking but I can't say hello... and people think I am just being a pain. I just have to force myself out of this comfortzone I am stuck in and do it. But it is hard.
 
beautiful loser said:
"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."

Incorporate the above, with "hey, would you like to get some coffee tomorrow?" or something similar. You'll thank you me later ;)

On a more serious note, yes it's daunting, but hell you only live once. You mention it's not a "fear of rejection" (that is my fear) so if that isn't it I don't see what the big deal is. Unless it's having to face her again and again at your workplace. Just ask her.

I asked a few women out years ago. I know once it went horribly wrong. I don't know if it's that what's bugging me. The few time since I have sent either text messages or facebook messages which is a lot easier.

I think the fear is either her laughing or saying 'fresia off' or 'who are you ?'


ringwood said:
kamya said:
[video=youtube]


Hahaha!! From the classic movie, Risky Business...I echo that sentiment, one of the best pieces of advice ever - run with this, TripleB, and you'll be surprised where it can get you in life. :)


thanks. I will let you know if anything happens.
 
"I think the fear is either her laughing or saying 'fresia off' or 'who are you ?'"

That, my friend, is rejection and you are just like any other guy and we don't want to hear that. By the same token, you sometimes have to "just do it." I can just about bet everything I own she would NEVER say "fresia off" or "who are you?" She would politely decline or...and we are all hoping it goes this way...she will say "yes, I would be interested in a coffee and scone"..or whatever you Brits enjoy with your coffee (btw, thought it would have been tea instead of coffee?). Yes, I'm pretending to be the ignorant Yank. BTW, spotted dick does make me laugh...LOL
 
beautiful loser said:
"I think the fear is either her laughing or saying 'fresia off' or 'who are you ?'"

That, my friend, is rejection and you are just like any other guy and we don't want to hear that. By the same token, you sometimes have to "just do it." I can just about bet everything I own she would NEVER say "fresia off" or "who are you?" She would politely decline or...and we are all hoping it goes this way...she will say "yes, I would be interested in a coffee and scone"..or whatever you Brits enjoy with your coffee (btw, thought it would have been tea instead of coffee?). Yes, I'm pretending to be the ignorant Yank. BTW, spotted dick does make me laugh...LOL

yes we have coffee and scones ! :)

In the past I have eventually asked women out but it always took me months and months of wondering, thinking etc. I am not a 'asking' type person.
 
Perhaps you are just very conscious of how cringeworthy these things can be, especially the dating game. Do you have an internal voice, possibly a younger you, or a silly drunk man yelling the equivalent of "LOOOL YOU FANCY HER! YOU'RE ASKING HER OUT ON A DATE LOLOLOL WEHAYYYY GET IN THERE MY SON!"?
 
In your first post, TB, you described the "embarrassment" of asking someone out for coffee. I know this feeling, and I have had this embarrassment many times. But guess what? It's a learned behavior. Maybe something happened to you as a child or young adult to set you on this path to where making a date request now seems as daunting as launching a mission to Mars.

The truth is that, since this is not a part of your DNA, and since this is behavior based upon a life lived in fear of asking women out on dates, the good news is that this negative behavior can be unlearned.

You may be familiar with Toastmasters. If not, it's an international organization primarily created to get people to overcome their stage fright when giving speeches, and also improve their general communication skills. If Toastmasters can cure people from the paralyzing fear of public speaking, then you can get over this obstacle of asking a woman out.

The first thing, I feel, that you need to do is link the comfortable feelings you have in normal conversation with women to the date request for coffee or tea. If you behaved the same way in both situations, you'd see that asking a woman out to have a coffee is no more than an extension of a friendly conversation and an friendly invitation request to continue it elsewhere.

But what stops you is the deep-seated memories of past incidents, the fears, the embarrassments that stopped you before, so you are currently locked in a cell that your brain made for you to protect you from harm. Unfortunately, your brain can be your own worst enemy, and it's time you overcame your own brain.

You need to practice, and you need to act as if you have no stake in the outcome.

This is important. For example, if I like a girl, but I over-think her to the point where the actual date request becomes a monumental task in my head, then the odds of my success are practically nil. However, if I am casual, and I float out the invite as if I were asking a bystander which way it is to the nearest Tube, then the outcome is almost irrelevant, and any answer will suffice. At this point, all you're looking for is information. Yes or no. But if you build up her answer in your head, the more emotion you will feel when she answers.

If the answer is no, you won't feel rejected, and you can say something like, "Okay. Well, when you change your mind, you know where to find me." But if she says "Yes," you have your date, you can dance a merry mental jig, and off you go.

The key in this is to practice the embarrassment out of you. Grab a friend and practice asking them out until it is no longer a big deal in your mind. Have your friend reject you every time, and devise various ways to respond with style and flair without telling her to "F-off." lol. If you don't have anyone available for this task, do it in the mirror. Feel the embarrassment with each attempt to ask her out. Also, imagine ways to recover from a "no" answer, and continue until the asking becomes nothing more than a comfortable and friendly gesture.

If you can act indifferent to the outcome of asking a woman on a date, you will be less likely to avoid asking her in the first place.

I hope this helps.
 
Triple Bogey said:
I can't do it, it's the utter embarrassment of it that puts me off.

If you asked, and she were to say yes, would you still be embarrassed? Is it embarrassment on getting a no, or is it just the whole thing that embarrasses you?
 
If you think the regret of not asking someone you like out and thinking about what might have been for years to come would be worse than the regret of (possible) rejection, then I agree with following what you have in your signature :)

-Teresa
 
SofiasMami said:
If you think the regret of not asking someone you like out and thinking about what might have been for years to come would be worse than the regret of (possible) rejection, then I agree with following what you have in your signature :)

-Teresa

I have been very bold in my time. I remember asking this lass out who worked in this post office when I was 24. I just stopped her in the street and asked her. I knew she would say 'no' though. It was just a case of getting it out of the way.

I think the problem is deep down I know this current woman will say 'no' so there seems very little point putting myself thru something very embarrassing. What on earth do I say when she gives me the knock back ? Sorry I asked ?

There is something in my brain that expects the 'worst possible thing to happen' regarding women and relationships.


VanillaCreme said:
Triple Bogey said:
I can't do it, it's the utter embarrassment of it that puts me off.

If you asked, and she were to say yes, would you still be embarrassed? Is it embarrassment on getting a no, or is it just the whole thing that embarrasses you?

No I wouldn't be embarrassed if she said 'yes', I would probably try and convince myself that she wouldn't turn up or something like that.

I remember my first date in over 15 years about 3 years ago. All thru the week before I expected something to go wrong, the woman to change her mind or whatever. And it got the day and then a few hours before and I kept thinking it. An hour before the time we were due to meet, I logged on facebook and there was a new postings and it said she was in a relationship with some other man and all these people were 'liking it'. A voice in my head said 'TOLD YOU, TOLD YOU'

That's how I think. Even simple texts or messages I make to people, I never expect them to answer. It's endless doom and gloom and going thru my head. Hard to ignore !


Case said:
In your first post, TB, you described the "embarrassment" of asking someone out for coffee. I know this feeling, and I have had this embarrassment many times. But guess what? It's a learned behavior. Maybe something happened to you as a child or young adult to set you on this path to where making a date request now seems as daunting as launching a mission to Mars.

The truth is that, since this is not a part of your DNA, and since this is behavior based upon a life lived in fear of asking women out on dates, the good news is that this negative behavior can be unlearned.

You may be familiar with Toastmasters. If not, it's an international organization primarily created to get people to overcome their stage fright when giving speeches, and also improve their general communication skills. If Toastmasters can cure people from the paralyzing fear of public speaking, then you can get over this obstacle of asking a woman out.

The first thing, I feel, that you need to do is link the comfortable feelings you have in normal conversation with women to the date request for coffee or tea. If you behaved the same way in both situations, you'd see that asking a woman out to have a coffee is no more than an extension of a friendly conversation and an friendly invitation request to continue it elsewhere.

But what stops you is the deep-seated memories of past incidents, the fears, the embarrassments that stopped you before, so you are currently locked in a cell that your brain made for you to protect you from harm. Unfortunately, your brain can be your own worst enemy, and it's time you overcame your own brain.

You need to practice, and you need to act as if you have no stake in the outcome.

This is important. For example, if I like a girl, but I over-think her to the point where the actual date request becomes a monumental task in my head, then the odds of my success are practically nil. However, if I am casual, and I float out the invite as if I were asking a bystander which way it is to the nearest Tube, then the outcome is almost irrelevant, and any answer will suffice. At this point, all you're looking for is information. Yes or no. But if you build up her answer in your head, the more emotion you will feel when she answers.

If the answer is no, you won't feel rejected, and you can say something like, "Okay. Well, when you change your mind, you know where to find me." But if she says "Yes," you have your date, you can dance a merry mental jig, and off you go.

The key in this is to practice the embarrassment out of you. Grab a friend and practice asking them out until it is no longer a big deal in your mind. Have your friend reject you every time, and devise various ways to respond with style and flair without telling her to "F-off." lol. If you don't have anyone available for this task, do it in the mirror. Feel the embarrassment with each attempt to ask her out. Also, imagine ways to recover from a "no" answer, and continue until the asking becomes nothing more than a comfortable and friendly gesture.

If you can act indifferent to the outcome of asking a woman on a date, you will be less likely to avoid asking her in the first place.

I hope this helps.

Thanks for your advice.

Your post reminds me of when I used to go to cinema with this female friend about 10 years ago. She would see me and say 'let me know if something is good on' - and even though she clearly said that, I would get very nervous about ringing her up and asking her. It was only ever going to friends because she was married. It wasn't a big deal. But every time it would take a lot of courage to ring her up. Even saying 'Hi it's 'triple bogey' would make me feel nervous. I always did ring her up and we ended going over 50 times over about 8 years. It never got easier ringing her up. In fact it got worse and more horrible because I started to feel she didn't give a honeysuckle about me and I was being a nuisance.

I don't see her now and we haven't spoke to 4 years so maybe I was right.

So I think something I am extremely nervous about doesn't always get easier.

Thanks anyway
 
Triple Bogey said:
To ask a woman out on a date ?

I had an opportunity today and I suddenly felt sick and lost my nerve.
It's not 'fear of rejection' because I am not that bothered. (I like her but not that much !)

I can't do it, it's the utter embarrassment of it that puts me off.
I felt like this when I was 16, I haven't changed a bit. I can chat with women (even ones I like) easy, I have no problems with that. But asking a lady out even for a coffee seems beyond me.

I don't know what's wrong with me ?

I don't know why your beating yourself up, literally the majority of the world feels the same as you.
I think it's more common these days for people to start relationships through friendships or mutual friends, so it's so much harder to ask people out.
I've only ever said no to a few guys that have asked me out, just by the way they've asked me. I think a nervous guys are quite endearing so it may work in your favour?
I'd go for nervous over ' yo yo yo baby, what's that back off saying?' Euurggh.

Rejection can be embarrassing but do you see this woman everyday? If she's the type of woman that makes you feel embarrassed she's not right for you anyways.
 
Littlesecret said:
Triple Bogey said:
To ask a woman out on a date ?

I had an opportunity today and I suddenly felt sick and lost my nerve.
It's not 'fear of rejection' because I am not that bothered. (I like her but not that much !)

I can't do it, it's the utter embarrassment of it that puts me off.
I felt like this when I was 16, I haven't changed a bit. I can chat with women (even ones I like) easy, I have no problems with that. But asking a lady out even for a coffee seems beyond me.

I don't know what's wrong with me ?

I don't know why your beating yourself up, literally the majority of the world feels the same as you.
I think it's more common these days for people to start relationships through friendships or mutual friends, so it's so much harder to ask people out.
I've only ever said no to a few guys that have asked me out, just by the way they've asked me. I think a nervous guys are quite endearing so it may work in your favour?
I'd go for nervous over ' yo yo yo baby, what's that back off saying?' Euurggh.

Rejection can be embarrassing but do you see this woman everyday? If she's the type of woman that makes you feel embarrassed she's not right for you anyways.

I agree probably a lot of people find it difficult. The only success I have had is asking by message either facebook, text or letter. I could do that all day, no problems at all. This woman isn't on facebook though.

I like talking to her though. She doesn't make me embarrassed. I just feel she doesn't know me well enough. We don't call each other by name. (yet)
 
Ohh then give it a little time, she might even ask you first. :p No need to rush, it could make it slightly weird if you do it too soon. Get to know eachother and see if your on the same page first?
 
Littlesecret said:
Ohh then give it a little time, she might even ask you first. :p No need to rush, it could make it slightly weird if you do it too soon. Get to know eachother and see if your on the same page first?

yeah, well 6 months ago I only asked her if she wanted a bag and had a nectar card. That was it for conversation so things have moved on.

I like her because she always has a smile on her face and she is always by herself. Never seen her with anybody else or even speak to anybody in the shop. I guess I feel sorry for her a bit.
 
Triple Bogey said:
I agree probably a lot of people find it difficult. The only success I have had is asking by message either facebook, text or letter. I could do that all day, no problems at all. This woman isn't on facebook though.

I like talking to her though. She doesn't make me embarrassed. I just feel she doesn't know me well enough. We don't call each other by name. (yet)

OK....you just admitted "...the only success I have had is asking by message either Facebook, text or letter"

So write her a note. Go buy a simple little card, and write a simple little note - "Hi...been meaning to ask you for a bit now but never seems like the right time. Would you like to go for coffee one day?" then just hand the envelope over. Done. And you don't need to be Facebook friends to do that.

I think the simple hand-written note is vastly overlooked in the dating department, it is a nice little gesture that is infinitely more personal than a text or email, and it also gives the other person time to reflect on the situation a little before giving an answer...assuming she doesn't open it right away in front of you.
 
ringwood said:
I think the simple hand-written note is vastly overlooked in the dating department, it is a nice little gesture that is infinitely more personal than a text or email, and it also gives the other person time to reflect on the situation a little before giving an answer...assuming she doesn't open it right away in front of you.

This- absolutely bang on 100% agree. I'm not a big fan of the ill-used "popularity" (aka reputation) system on this forum but this is a +1 for sure.
 
One time, when I was at best buy, I just wanted to just talk to the store associate. For some reason I just couldn't, deep down I wanted to ask for her number. I obviously couldn't because I have no way of getting around, just in case I some how asked her out on a date by accident. All I could think about was getting her number. That was the only reason I wanted to talk to her. I eventually talked to her but it ended up going to something I wasn't planning on. Few moments later, I realized that I could have asked her about the Samsung laptops and that I was planning on doing photography and video. That would have been easy if I just paid attention. Who knows, I probably would have gotten her number, if not then I, at least, was talking to her.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top