why, why do "nice guys" do this?

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Peaches

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well, this is the second time something like this happens, and the first time I screwed up and cut off all contact with that person, this time I would like to make it right, I need advice please:

a couple of years ago I met this really nice, supersmart super funny guy (really really not my type, either physically either because I felt he was a bit on the dependent side, little did I know how much) and we hit it off beautifully, met a few times, chatted spontaneously almost every day, the third time I started worrying a bit because he brought me a present (we only met twice before), then he started commenting on every single post I ever made on Facebook, and I had other people write me: do you have a new boyfriend or something?
The climax arrived when *he* invited some common friends at *my* place for dinner, at that point I just said that we needed to take some distance from each other, then he started writing long letters about his life, and kept commenting on each single post - I cancelled him from my Facebook friends, and he started following me around at parties, like a shadow, at that point I had to be firm and stop talking to him altogether, but that was a pity because we had a lot in common and I really enjoyed his conversation and I miss it to this day.

Now I feel like this is happening again: another really smart, interesting guy met through common friends who had a spot of bad luck recently so we were chatting for a few times on Facebook about personal things, and yesterday we met in person for the first time and it was really nice, but after the meeting I received 4 long messages including pictures of himself, and today the count is up to 7, and I feel that there is some mistake and he is thinking there is a romantic interest and a) if I had to decide now I would say no, this guy is an artist, very interesting spirit, but my feeling is that he doesn't have his honeysuckle together b) after knowing a person, I can come to like them even if they are not my type physically (and this is vastly the case with this guy) because of their personality, but I can't have a romantic interest if i don't know a person and this behavior is bringing me a lot of anxiety.

How do I keep a distance without hurting this guy? I let him know that I have a boyfriend? (we never spoke about those things, argh, my fb profile says 'single') or simply don't answer that much to his messages? (haven't answered yet, and the chat is off so he can't see me). This guy looks less crazy than the first one, maybe he will get the hint.
Now he is liking all (45?) my profile pictures on Facebook, this is even getting embarrassing.

Am I exaggerating? Maybe that's me, but I find such showering of attention after one meeting very very unappealing, even if George Clooney did it I would think what is wrong with him. Although I am sure George Clooney would send less words and more roses :p

How do I get out of this like a lady?
 
Nice guys don't usually do this. Both of them just have the same personality. They maybe either enfj or isfj I think because I have known people like that who tends to get clingy. One person was in a relationship where the girl tends to text the guy every few minutes and he end up with 30 or 60 messages a day.

First of all, ENFJs pay a lot of attention to their partners’ needs and desires. ENFJs do everything they can to feel the pulse of the relationship: they will occasionally ask their partner if everything is fine, whether they need anything else, etc.

Tell him you need some space. Tell him messaging you is ok but not too often. And don't ignore his messages or telling him he's creepy. Those things will definitely hurt him badly.

Btw the enfj thing was from a website.
 
I often find honesty is the best policy... lies tend to backfire. I think that being straightforward is the best thing, even if it might hurt him , he will get over it faster this way. Personally I've been lied to by women and it ended up haunting me for days - weeks - months. I prefer if someone just drops the bomb on me , I feel miserable for a few days but then I get myself together and move on. Then again , everyone is different. (but telling him that you are in a relationship and him finding out that it's not true would make him feel AWFUL and not answering facebook messages the same, I personally hate that).
 
I feel your pain. I have had a lot of guys that I have met through mutual friends, became friends on Facebook, and they comment and like everything. It is embarrassing and kind of ridiculous. And I hate the part where you have to do the whole, "I don't like you in that way" thing. And as much as you don't want to hurt their feelings, you just have to do it. Don't lead them on, they don't deserve that, they are nice!

For me it was a confidence issue. I had all those, "What if he freaks out?" "What if my friends' freak out?" "What if I see him in public?" Truth is, as much as we don't want to accept it, rejection is a part of life. And Peaches, as much as you don't want to hurt his feelings, reject him. Tell him he is not the one. He should want someone to love him as much as he loves that other person, really you are doing you both a favor.

And to remain lady-like, don't flaunt it that you rejected him. Which I don't think you would do anyways. :)

Peaches said:
How do I keep a distance without hurting this guy? I let him know that I have a boyfriend? (we never spoke about those things, argh, my fb profile says 'single') or simply don't answer that much to his messages? (haven't answered yet, and the chat is off so he can't see me). This guy looks less crazy than the first one, maybe he will get the hint.
Now he is liking all (45?) my profile pictures on Facebook, this is even getting embarrassing.

On my Facebook I choose not to put up my relationship status when I am single, just because I don't want attention like this.
 
Well, what your describing is extremely clingy people, uncomfortably clingy people (kinda like the overly attached girlfriend meme). My suggestion would be just to tell these people bluntly; being polite, shy & nervous about it wont get the message across. Its either that or just distancing yourself and keeping minimal contact with these people.

Its understandable that everyone is a bit clingy, but this is overly attached.
 
This guy sounds very needy and a bit obsessive. Be honest, don't lie, do it calmly in a neutral area preferably a public place but somewhere that is semi private. You know, just in case he is a bit unhinged. Tell him how you feel and what you want out of your relationship with him. He'll probably get upset either way, it's really hard not to hurt someones feelings.
 
Hey i went through this situation lately. One was smart enough, got the hint and never bothered me again. The other was a bit clingy so i had to put my foot down.
I know you are being nice and you don't want him to get hurt. I think you can limit his access to your profile. If he is a smart guy, he will get the hint and stop following you.
 
Peaches said:
well, this is the second time something like this happens, and the first time I screwed up and cut off all contact with that person, this time I would like to make it right, I need advice please:

a couple of years ago I met this really nice, supersmart super funny guy (really really not my type, either physically either because I felt he was a bit on the dependent side, little did I know how much) and we hit it off beautifully, met a few times, chatted spontaneously almost every day, the third time I started worrying a bit because he brought me a present (we only met twice before), then he started commenting on every single post I ever made on Facebook, and I had other people write me: do you have a new boyfriend or something?
The climax arrived when *he* invited some common friends at *my* place for dinner, at that point I just said that we needed to take some distance from each other, then he started writing long letters about his life, and kept commenting on each single post - I cancelled him from my Facebook friends, and he started following me around at parties, like a shadow, at that point I had to be firm and stop talking to him altogether, but that was a pity because we had a lot in common and I really enjoyed his conversation and I miss it to this day.

Now I feel like this is happening again: another really smart, interesting guy met through common friends who had a spot of bad luck recently so we were chatting for a few times on Facebook about personal things, and yesterday we met in person for the first time and it was really nice, but after the meeting I received 4 long messages including pictures of himself, and today the count is up to 7, and I feel that there is some mistake and he is thinking there is a romantic interest and a) if I had to decide now I would say no, this guy is an artist, very interesting spirit, but my feeling is that he doesn't have his honeysuckle together b) after knowing a person, I can come to like them even if they are not my type physically (and this is vastly the case with this guy) because of their personality, but I can't have a romantic interest if i don't know a person and this behavior is bringing me a lot of anxiety.

How do I keep a distance without hurting this guy? I let him know that I have a boyfriend? (we never spoke about those things, argh, my fb profile says 'single') or simply don't answer that much to his messages? (haven't answered yet, and the chat is off so he can't see me). This guy looks less crazy than the first one, maybe he will get the hint.
Now he is liking all (45?) my profile pictures on Facebook, this is even getting embarrassing.

Am I exaggerating? Maybe that's me, but I find such showering of attention after one meeting very very unappealing, even if George Clooney did it I would think what is wrong with him. Although I am sure George Clooney would send less words and more roses :p

How do I get out of this like a lady?

You might have to be cruel and tell him to get lost.

I don't think many men want to 'be just friends', they meet you, find you attractive and then bombard you with interest thinking they have a chance with you. I would never do anything like that. I am always thinking about how much attention I pay someone. Is it too much etc ?

Are you replying to his letters ?
He should get the hint if you don't reply.
A lot of people are lonely and after years of solitude, they meet somebody (you) and of course it's exciting for them.
 
Yeah, I'd also say go with honesty. You could kindly tell him how you feel about how you appreciate him and how nice he is, but his behaviour now is making you uncomfortable. It might hurt him, but it will also let him learn from this experience too, and it's better the truth than to come up with excuses in this matter - in my opinion, at least.

I hope it will work out how you decide to distance from him, you know I'd always have your back in whatever you do, we can all advice you but ultimately you make the decision. So, good luck. :)
 
The problem is that this guy seemed really friend material, and he also doesn't have a lot of friends, and it feels awful that we both have to miss out on friendship because he is too lonely or whatever.

It feels very sad that most guys don't want to be friends but only want something else.

Is there a way to keep him as a friend but not romantic?
Tell him that I am meeting my long distance boyfriend next weekend?
Offer to introduce him to a friend of mine for a date?
 
Maybe tell him you're not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you, but more of a friendship because he is a great person and you could use a good friend like him? He might feel bitter and not want to go down that road though..but it's worth a shot?
 
This guy isn't necessarily a bad person, he seems more desperate and/or lonely to me. All these Facebook likes and comments are probably just his way of showing that he's interested and trying to impress you. If this guy "doesn't look as crazy as the other" (Which made me laugh) then you could try just telling him straight that you're not interested, I would, however, beware if he starts any weird stalker like behaviour at this point in which case you should just cut contact.
 
Peaches said:
The problem is that this guy seemed really friend material, and he also doesn't have a lot of friends, and it feels awful that we both have to miss out on friendship because he is too lonely or whatever.

It feels very sad that most guys don't want to be friends but only want something else.

Is there a way to keep him as a friend but not romantic?
Tell him that I am meeting my long distance boyfriend next weekend?
Offer to introduce him to a friend of mine?

He might calm down soon. I think when you meet somebody and add them on facebook, then it's natural to 'like' everything the other person does. It might cool down and not be such a problem in a few days.
 
hmmmm both these guys you mentioned seem a bit clingy and maybe obsessive. I don't think there is anything wrong with long messages and such as it is just getting to know the person if interested, whether platonic or not, but I think things like "liking" all of your photos on social media and sending you a load of pictures of themselves would be a tad cause for concern... A similar thing has actually happened to me before where a woman started becoming excessively friendly towards me, not just chatting but making plans for the future and so I backed away. It seems like this recent guy is trying hard to impress you or something and it can bring out obsessive behavior in some if they are really interested and attracted.

It is a shame if they seem like nice guys who you get on well with but the odd behavior would be cause from concern. I think what someone else said is right, that honesty is the best policy.


Triple Bogey said:
He might calm down soon. I think when you meet somebody and add them on facebook, then it's natural to 'like' everything the other person does. It might cool down and not be such a problem in a few days.

He might but it is still odd behavior in my opinion. I personally would never do that and never have done even though I have 190 or so friends on facebook. As peaches mentioned, it made her uncomfortable... I think it would for most people if someone you don't really know started looking at all your stuff, liking all your photos and comments. Behavior like that is just odd and comes across as clingy and potentially obsessive.
 
ShybutHi said:
hmmmm both these guys you mentioned seem a bit clingy and maybe obsessive. I don't think there is anything wrong with long messages and such as it is just getting to know the person if interested, whether platonic or not, but I think things like "liking" all of your photos on social media and sending you a load of pictures of themselves would be a tad cause for concern... A similar thing has actually happened to me before where a woman started becoming excessively friendly towards me, not just chatting but making plans for the future and so I backed away. It seems like this recent guy is trying hard to impress you or something and it can bring out obsessive behavior in some if they are really interested and attracted.

It is a shame if they seem like nice guys who you get on well with but the odd behavior would be cause from concern. I think what someone else said is right, that honesty is the best policy.


Triple Bogey said:
He might calm down soon. I think when you meet somebody and add them on facebook, then it's natural to 'like' everything the other person does. It might cool down and not be such a problem in a few days.

He might but it is still odd behavior in my opinion. I personally would never do that and never have done even though I have 190 or so friends on facebook. As peaches mentioned, it made her uncomfortable... I think it would for most people if someone you don't really know started looking at all your stuff, liking all your photos and comments. Behavior like that is just odd and comes across as clingy and potentially obsessive.



I had somebody do that to me. 'Liked' everything I did.
 
Triple Bogey said:
I had somebody do that to me. 'Liked' everything I did.

I know someone who does it to everybody but he does it because he thinks it is funny for some reason. :p

Someone made a comment saying how "said person" likes practically every comment, every response... And naturally, within a very short period of time, a like to that comment appeared, including many others. haha
 
ShybutHi said:
Triple Bogey said:
I had somebody do that to me. 'Liked' everything I did.

I know someone who does it to everybody but he does it because he thinks it is funny for some reason. :p

Someone made a comment saying how "said person" likes practically every comment, every response... And naturally, within a very short period of time, a like to that comment appeared, including many others. haha

lol, 'said person' must have a lot of free time
 
There probably isn't too much to be concerned about. They never had any long-term relationships before I'm guessing. All you can do is politely tell this latest 'nice guy' you aren't interested and he'll walk away with his tail between his legs and that will be it.
 
I think it's best to just rip the band-aid off, as it were. He isn't looking for a friend by the sound of it, and anything else is not doing yourself, or him, any favours.

He may interpret a 'let's just be friends' as a subtle come-on, heaven knows we have seen enough guys on ALL obsessing over just this kind of thing, believing they have a chance when they clearly don't, and going over and over the 'does this mean she really is interested in me, or is she just using me?' and 'am I relegated forever to the friend zone,' and on and on. If this guy is one of those kind of guys it will be torture for him.

Tell him no so he understands you mean it. Then he can move on.
 
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