Is it wrong to encourage my friend to end her relationship?

My friend has been dating this guy for the past two years, and she is completely miserable with him. Their personalities are mostly incompatible and they fight over trivial things almost every single day. However they've stuck with each other out of habit and don't seem to be making significant changes in their relationship (I know all of this because she tells me these things herself. Sometimes she calls me after a fight and is nearly in tears).

I've always respected their relationship and have given them advice on how to work things out in the past, but it's clearly not going anywhere and something needs to be done. Would it be wrong as a friend to tell her to break up with him? Or would that be seen as being too intrusive? Wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation.

I think telling her to directly to break up with her bf is wrong. It's her call alone. The most you can do is lay the case for her unhappiness and ask her if she feels she would be happier in a different situation.

The most important thing a friend can do is to be supportive of her choices, not by controlling them yourself.

EDIT: But this is based on my own personality. Your mileage may vary.

To be honest, she has to make that decision for herself.

I was in a terrible abusive relationship, and my friends told me to stop, but I wouldn't listen. I had to see it for myself and want it for myself. It's just like people that are addicted too drugs or have depression. You can't force them to therapy, they have to want to do it for themselves.

^^^ I second the above post.

You can always tell her how you feel and voice your opinion, but just telling her to do something such as break up, will most likely go nowhere. I'd try an get her to see how bad it really is, so she can make the decision on her own and know its for the better.

I agree with the other posters. It won't work, and you're likely to be the one who suffers from it.

Continue to be there for her to support her, and maybe tell her what you see as the person outside of the relationship and how you feel for her, and how it's not doing her any good, nor him. The rest and the final decision is still ultimately up to her. Hope she can see it for herself and not continue to beat a dead horse.

I agree with what others have said here. As Case says, the most you could do would be to ask her if she feels she might be happier in another situation. Just be there for her if she needs your support with whatever decision she might come to over time. If you tried to push her to end the relationship, she might then blame you if she does so and then misses the guy afterwards.

Revengineer said:

My friend has been dating this guy for the past two years, and she is completely miserable with him. Their personalities are mostly incompatible and they fight over trivial things almost every single day. However they've stuck with each other out of habit and don't seem to be making significant changes in their relationship (I know all of this because she tells me these things herself. Sometimes she calls me after a fight and is nearly in tears).

I've always respected their relationship and have given them advice on how to work things out in the past, but it's clearly not going anywhere and something needs to be done. Would it be wrong as a friend to tell her to break up with him? Or would that be seen as being too intrusive? Wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation.

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NEVER interfere in other people's relationships, unless one of them is about to die. And even then, you don't tell them, you call the authorities.
I repeat, NEVER interfere in other people's relationships, 'cause in the long run, they'll resent you for that.

Why not just ask her instead of telling her. Maybe not "Why don't you break up with him" but maybe next she calls and is in tears complaining about their relationship ask "Why are you still with him if he makes you so miserable". That way you are not directly telling her to do anything, because like some have pointed out you can't tell someone to do something. But it might get her thinking about it more and she may make the decision on her own. You might find out more too, there may be deep rooted issues or feelings she has, like maybe she's scared to be alone. Whatever she says just stay neutral and support her, let her know she has to follow her heart and do what she feels is best for her, and you'll always be there for her. Seems like since they argue a lot not matter what happens or when it happens it would be a messy break-up.

AnotherLonelyGuy said:

NEVER interfere in other people's relationships, unless one of them is about to die. And even then, you don't tell them, you call the authorities.
I repeat, NEVER interfere in other people's relationships, 'cause in the long run, they'll resent you for that.

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I agree with this, you should not interfere. It is good to be comforting to a friend if there is upset and they are looking for advice, but calling shots for some other persons relationship is a bad idea.

NO, don't do that. It's only her decision, it's HER relationship. And it's only her life too.

Thanks for the replies everyone. A lot of good insights here.

I think "tell her to break up with him" was a bad choice of words on my part. It makes it sound as if I'm trying to make a decision for her which is not what I'm trying to convey. "Firmly nudging her" would probably be more like it. As I said she's stuck with him out of habit and I feel she needs somebody to push her in the right direction. There is a real danger of getting too involved and I'd really like to avoid that.

I've asked her before why she's still with him, and she claims she wants to prove to herself that she can make a long-term relationship work. It sounds silly to me since it's not as if they're married or anything. And I really hate to see her upset all the time over such an illogical reason. But you're right, ultimately she's the only one who can make the decision.

ShybutHi said:

AnotherLonelyGuy said:

NEVER interfere in other people's relationships, unless one of them is about to die. And even then, you don't tell them, you call the authorities.
I repeat, NEVER interfere in other people's relationships, 'cause in the long run, they'll resent you for that.

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I agree with this, you should not interfere. It is good to be comforting to a friend if there is upset and they are looking for advice, but calling shots for some other persons relationship is a bad idea.

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I couldn't give any better advice than whats above, *hats off to you both*

Revengineer said:

"Firmly nudging her" would probably be more like it. As I said she's stuck with him out of habit and I feel she needs somebody to push her in the right direction. There is a real danger of getting too involved and I'd really like to avoid that.

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I wouldn't recommend "firmly nudging" her, either. If a friend of mine tried to nudge or push me out of a relationship I was trying to work on, I'd tell that person to mind his or her own business. Let her stand or fall on her own.

Revengineer said:

I've asked her before why she's still with him, and she claims she wants to prove to herself that she can make a long-term relationship work. It sounds silly to me since it's not as if they're married or anything. And I really hate to see her upset all the time over such an illogical reason. But you're right, ultimately she's the only one who can make the decision.

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Logic is irrelevant in matters of the heart. Besides, she has clearly told you she wants to work on it. Who are you to interfere with her plans? What is your motive in this? If it's strictly as friends, then be a friend by supporting her decision. You don't have to like it, but it's not your call to make.

There's nobility in wanting to save your friend from perceived pain, but we can't save people from themselves. In this situation, only she can save herself.

Case said:

Logic is irrelevant in matters of the heart. Besides, she has clearly told you she wants to work on it. Who are you to interfere with her plans? What is your motive in this? If it's strictly as friends, then be a friend by supporting her decision. You don't have to like it, but it's not your call to make.

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No, you're right. If she wants to keep doing this then it's on her. Perhaps I'm just being overprotective for some reason.

Though it may not be a good idea to directly get involved in her relationship, you might wanna offer her your opinion... Something along the line of, "Hey... We've been friends for a while & you seem really not happy in your relationship..." Start off with that & offer her what seems a bit off about her relationship but keep it simple & civil... She'll might pick up on that & re-evaluate her relationship with the guy...

Might be a little late here, but I agree with those saying to not interfere. You can't take a relationship that's not yours into your own hands. Being the third wheel usually never works out, and one (if not both) of them will have a problem with you doing something you shouldn't. Now, I wouldn't blame you at all if you talked with your friend, explained to her how you felt, and then drew a line. I don't blame you if you don't want to constantly hear about every mishap that goes on between them, because that is their relationship and they need to deal with it on their own.

Just be a good friend, lend an ear, a shoulder to cry on. Perhaps she feels better with just talking to someone about it.

Last year I lost one of my best friends because I did what you want to do now.I won't go in the details much but she had very low self esteem and no matter how much he abused her (physically,sexually,verbally) she hoped he would change and couldn't leave him but I couldn't take it anymore so I stepped in and guess what..

F--ktons of pain and suffering later they're still together and I no longer talk to her.

Never ever try to break up relationships or fix other people's problems.DO NOT interfere.They're gonna blame YOU

It sucks to see your friend like that but it's her life and SHE should be the one making the decisions.

Try not to think about it much.Be what you've always been,her friend.Listen to her when she wants to talk to you and let them sort it out by themselves.If something needs to be done,she is the one to do it.