Anyone get jealous of the friends that you have?

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LadyDaria

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So I have two pretty decent friends. However, like all friends, they have other friends. The problem... I often feel like I am not their #1 friend... and sometimes I get pretty sick of it.

Friend #1 Sara: Sara used to work with me. Now she only works in the same building. She is friends with my other co worker Tara. I hate Tara. Though I have to pretend like I don't to maintain the peace. Lately Sara has been attending lunch with Tara... ALL the TIME. Tara has made Sara part of her little group. I was aware she went to lunch with her from time to time but.. it seems they are growing closer etc. This really PISSES ME OFF. Tara is a horrible person and it makes me so angry that she seems to be more *interesting* than me. I have made it pretty clear I don't really want to hang with Tara but Sara seems to act like *I* am being childish and it is a rift that will blow over. I don't understand how Tara gets such a following. She is a BOSSY bitchy person who "knows all" but really doesn't.

Friend #2 Lina: lina works in my facility two times per year. It isn't her home base. So when she is there she is friendly with me. Recently she has been more friendly than usual. I was happy - until -- it became clear that she was having a fight with her bestie back where she normally works. So with her go to bestie, she had to resort to me. As usual.

I know... I am jealous... but I don't get why I am not #1. I think perhaps it is that I pretty much let people do what they want to. If you are friends with someone else... I am pretty accepting of it and others are not.. I just get frustrated... it seems in my own relationships I am not even liked the most.
 
Well, I think Lina is just using you to fill in for the company. That's not really a true friend.

Sara, on the other hand, do you both get along very well? Like really get each other? because by the sounds of it, she doesn't really get you or understand what's bothering you about Tara and if she doesn't want to understand and spare a thought for you - I don't think that's a good friend either. A friend, yeah, but not a good one that you can probably rely on? She can still be friends with Tara, but I don't know, I just think that if she truly cared, she probably will hang out with you and Tara separately.

I don't think you though. I think it's just how compatible you are with these friends of yours in terms of personality and character. Just what I think. Sorry it's making you feel negatively though, LD. *hugs* Hope you'll at least feel better soon.
 
There is a lady at work that has invited me to a few social things outside of work but I don't like her friends, who also work where we work. Two of them are people who I really don't like ... as people...mean and gossipy. A couple others that I think the problem is that I creep them out so they give off this uncomfortable vibe when I'm around them. So I have never met up socially with this lady because I'm thinking if I don't like the friends she surrounds herself with then the chances are I probably won't like her once I get to know her better. I mean why surround yourself with mean gossipy people if you're not like that yourself?

My one and only friend (who by default is my best friend) has a couple other people who she is better friends with. This does not bother me at all. I enjoy her company and friendship when she is available. I feel taking the 'Live and let live' attitude with friends is the best way to stay emotionally strong around people. The jealousy thing ruins everything that's meant to be good. Imo
 
This all sounds very high schoolish, I'm not sure how old you all are but you can't really control who is friends with whom. Why do you have to be their #1 friend? What's wrong with just being friends and not putting numbers on them. People will always make other friends, it happens. Is this Tara girl really that bad or is it your jealousy over her that is making her seem worse than she is? They call jealousy the green eyed monster for a reason, if you let it consume and control you bad things happen.
 
It's like a feeling where you want to be a center of attention. Where you want people to follow you not the other way around. Usually in a group of friends there is that one person who is the center of attention. Wherever the person go, people follow, and also the one who gets along well with everyone on the group.

I tried to be like that but I gave up as I realize it's not my thing.
 
Sci-Fi-maybe you are being a bit too severe towards LadyDaria. When someone is lonely, issues concerning friends matter a whole lot more than they otherwise would. If I were in a close relationship, then I would not get upset about various issues to do with my friends, as they would have less importance in my life. But when your friends are your only emotional focus, then things concerning them take on more importance.
So I can see why LadyDaria is hurt. LadyDaria-do you have anyone else you can eat lunch with?
Sometimes people who are bossy and bitchy get a following because people are secretly afraid of being targeted by them, so they do everything they can to keep the person sweet.
 
LadyDaria said:
So I have two pretty decent friends. However, like all friends, they have other friends. The problem... I often feel like I am not their #1 friend... and sometimes I get pretty sick of it.

. . .

I know... I am jealous... but I don't get why I am not #1. I think perhaps it is that I pretty much let people do what they want to. If you are friends with someone else... I am pretty accepting of it and others are not.. I just get frustrated... it seems in my own relationships I am not even liked the most.

I'm not trying to be hostile in asking this, and it's asked out of pure curiosity... But, why do you believe that you should be number one? I know a couple of people who believe that everyone should drop everything to hear their problems, and quite honestly, that type of attitude can get you dropped as a friend quicker than anything else. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be able to talk to your friend or be around them, because you should be. That's what friends are for.

However, they are not for someone to use at their disposal. And if, one, you feel like you're at their disposal, say something to them about it. And two, if you treat others like that (whether you know it or not), it can come back to bite you in the ass.
 
Huh...by my understanding, 'friendship' is two people hanging out together because they like each other's company. Let's see:

Definition of friendship:

1. the emotions or conduct of friends; the state of being friends.
synonyms: relationship, close relationship, attachment, mutual attachment, association, bond, tie, link, union;

2. a relationship between friends.
"she formed close friendships with women"
synonyms: amity, camaraderie, friendliness, comradeship, companionship, fellowship, fellow feeling, closeness, affinity, rapport, understanding, harmony, unity;


It's not a challenge to be the 'best' friend, or the most 'interesting' friend, nor does it give you the right to pass judgement on other people who happen to also be friends with 'your' friend.

I happen to agree with your friend Sara - seems to me you are acting very childish and immature.
 
Daria, once you get out of high school things should pick up, especially if you attend college and you'll probably meet a lot more people and widen your group of friends...hang in there!
 
ladyforsaken said:
Sara, on the other hand, do you both get along very well? Like really get each other? because by the sounds of it, she doesn't really get you or understand what's bothering you about Tara and if she doesn't want to understand and spare a thought for you - I don't think that's a good friend either.

So let me clarify.. this is what happens when I drop a thread quickly before work. I do like Sara. I think she is great. I guess I don't like the idea that she could be friends with and, seem to prefer, someone who I find to be such a horrific person. I suspect, that each of us show the sides to others that we want to... but when I say I want to be the best friend... I feel like I am obviously the "better" one and I kind keep losing people because I am pretty laid back and I let people be friends with others trusting them to come back to me... but they don't. I am always second best friend or second best interesting. I think Sara is a good friend and sees her role as helping me and Tara both get along, but, I kind of feel that as a bit of a betrayal itself as if she is saying, either you get along with Tara or else... I personally feel Tara is kind of a bully and a liar and a manipulator and so she has Sara's attention and uses her manipulative ways to seal Sara as a BFF... where I typically respect my friends to go do what they want and "come back to me" but typically they seem to get stolen by some "brighter light".

Yes I agree it is sort of juvenile but there it is... I find high school only moves to the workplace once you get older.

Lina is a very good friend and she does a lot for me... but I don't get why I don't get elevated to the BFF club at least once and a while. Does that every happen and I am not aware of it. Whenever I think I have moved up to the BFF someone pipes up... oh I had a fight with Sherry, my true bff, can you help me get something done?
 
LadyDaria said:
So I have two pretty decent friends. However, like all friends, they have other friends. The problem... I often feel like I am not their #1 friend... and sometimes I get pretty sick of it.

Friend #1 Sara: Sara used to work with me. Now she only works in the same building. She is friends with my other co worker Tara. I hate Tara. Though I have to pretend like I don't to maintain the peace. Lately Sara has been attending lunch with Tara... ALL the TIME. Tara has made Sara part of her little group. I was aware she went to lunch with her from time to time but.. it seems they are growing closer etc. This really PISSES ME OFF. Tara is a horrible person and it makes me so angry that she seems to be more *interesting* than me. I have made it pretty clear I don't really want to hang with Tara but Sara seems to act like *I* am being childish and it is a rift that will blow over. I don't understand how Tara gets such a following. She is a BOSSY bitchy person who "knows all" but really doesn't.

Friend #2 Lina: lina works in my facility two times per year. It isn't her home base. So when she is there she is friendly with me. Recently she has been more friendly than usual. I was happy - until -- it became clear that she was having a fight with her bestie back where she normally works. So with her go to bestie, she had to resort to me. As usual.

I know... I am jealous... but I don't get why I am not #1. I think perhaps it is that I pretty much let people do what they want to. If you are friends with someone else... I am pretty accepting of it and others are not.. I just get frustrated... it seems in my own relationships I am not even liked the most.
Hmm. Are you sure you're really 40+ ? You have some turns of phrases in your above post that are far more common for people in their teens and 20s. I hope we're not all being played here.

Either way, good on Tiina for posting a kind response. Too bad you haven't even acknowledged it.

If the above is true, you need to do some soul-searching before you will be a suitable friend.

-Teresa
 
SofiasMami said:
Hmm. Are you sure you're really 40+ ? You have some turns of phrases in your above post that are far more common for people in their teens and 20s. I hope we're not all being played here.

Yeh, it is called work.. I know most people here don't actually do that... but some of us have commitments.

Anyway... never mind.. this forum claims non-judgmental support and comradeship but really is just a bunch of judgmental people waiting to pounce to make themselves feel better.

I appreciate those who did respond supportively.
 
LadyDaria said:
Yeh, it is called work.. I know most people here don't actually do that... but some of us have commitments.

Oh Hell Ya, can't help but think you're gonna join me at "The Tarred n' Feathered Club" real soon for that one....I'll scooch over a bit to make room on the rail the villagers like to use for running us out of town.

Company is good :D
 
SofiasMami said:
Hmm. Are you sure you're really 40+ ? You have some turns of phrases in your above post that are far more common for people in their teens and 20s. I hope we're not all being played here.

Why on earth would you question her about her age? Phrases are NOT an indication of age. I know many older people who use phrases "commonly" heard by younger people and in turn, I know many younger people who never use phrases that are apparently deemed to be only appropriate for younger people.
LadyDaria has not shown any indication of playing anyone, that I've seen, so it is extremely unfair and disrespectful of you to insinuate that she isn't the age she claims to be.
 
LadyDaria said:
I guess I don't like the idea that she could be friends with and, seem to prefer, someone who I find to be such a horrific person.

. . .

I feel like I am obviously the "better" one and I kind keep losing people because I am pretty laid back and I let people be friends with others trusting them to come back to me... but they don't.

. . .

I personally feel Tara is kind of a bully and a liar and a manipulator and so she has Sara's attention and uses her manipulative ways to seal Sara as a BFF... where I typically respect my friends to go do what they want and "come back to me" but typically they seem to get stolen by some "brighter light".

These stuck out to me the most in that post of yours. It's almost as if you feel entitled to be the best friend. Am I wrong? If so, I apologize. But I'll just say that it's not up to you to decide who other people are friends with. If you happen not to like another friend of someone you know, you don't have that right to demand (for lack of a better word) they shouldn't be friends with them anymore. That's your thinking, and no one has to abide by it.

If Tara said that she wished you weren't friends with so-and-so, your feathers would most likely be ruffled, and you'd raise an eyebrow at her attitude towards you. Same goes for you. Just like Tara or whoever doesn't have the right to insist friendships be dissolved to her liking, you don't have that right either.

My best advice would be, if you truly can't stand it, don't be friends with the person at all. You don't have that right to decide for them, so your only options would be to, A) Deal with it. Grit your teeth, and bite your tongue. Or B) Walk away from the friendship in general. We all have choices, but within our own lives. When we start to do other people's dealings, feelings get hurt.

Best of luck with the situation.
 
In the past I used to let people walk all over me and take me for granted. Now if there's too much drama for me to handle, I'll simply stop talking to that person. Deal with enough stress as it is, but I can understand you being hurt how others take you're friendship for granted. Try looking for new friends who are supportive of you and who won't take you're friendship for granted. All the best of luck to you. =)
 
LadyDaria said:
Yeh, it is called work.. I know most people here don't actually do that... but some of us have commitments.

Anyway... never mind.. this forum claims non-judgmental support and comradeship but really is just a bunch of judgmental people waiting to pounce to make themselves feel better.

I appreciate those who did respond supportively.

I don't think this response will change Sofia's suspicions. Just thought I'd chime in with this. Using decorum would have been more of a zinger, IMO.
 
I think owning up to being jealous is kind of a brave thing to do, particularly in relation to friends .. somehow less so in a relationship situation. But the pain might well be the same, especially for someone who doesn't have many friends.

Jealousy though.. its one of the negative emotions that are ugly, because it can make us ugly, and do ugly things when we feel it. Which in turn cripples friendships. It is definitely one to struggle to overcome for this reason. The lack of feeling special, or enough, or the fear of losing .. at a guess, childhood issues, not enough love, sibling rivalry, stuff like that?

Friendships can be like plants in a garden. Sometimes a new exotic bloom comes up and people ooh and ahh over it. The healthy evergreen shrub might not look spectacular, yet is the backbone of the garden. Lives longer, as well.
 

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