Guy with problems with women and jobs has no idea why

Hi. Just wanted to share.

I have come to know a 44 year old educated guy who has said to me he has had issues with women ("they are always telling me what I am doing wrong") and with keeping professional jobs ("I am a misfit").

When I first got to know him I didn't understand why. He seemed nice, not offensive in anyway, attractive enough. But then as I got to know him I started to understand.

The guy was selfish and self-centered. Everything is always about him and his needs, feelings, etc and he never considered others (or me). He felt that was "too much effort".

Yet he can't understand why he has had trouble with women or hasn't had a longterm relationship (except with foreign women).

I post this because sometimes the problem is so obvious we don't see it! If this guy changed his ways, grew to liking to care and listen to others, grew to liking giving to others, he have success. I really think he has no idea how selfish he is.

Not saying you people are selfish just that sometimes it's one thing that is getting in the way of relationship success. We just have to know it to change it.

I know someone like that. They don't even notice that they're like that either. However, if he doesn't see how he is as a problem, then it's not. Although I don't agree with complaining and not changing, no one can change him or make him see this as an problem if it's not an problem to him. He's made his bed, and he'll lie in it.

VanillaCreme said:

He's made his bed, and he'll lie in it.

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.... then he will register on ALL and tell everybody how none of it is his fault it's the women....

I agree with this thread, the problem is that it is so rare to notice oneself what is wrong and it is even more rare to have a trusted friend to tell you what the problem is.

Apart from my own obvious and less obvious deficits, I can think of a lovely 45 years old guy, a good person, street smarts, good talker, tall, not bad looking at all, and he has two faults: a) he only likes high middle class girls who don't even see him because he works in gardening and goes to labour advocacy meetings (not sure about the name in english) b) he lives with his mother, which for many women is a big deterrent, and also affects his personality negatively because of the constant bickering c) he gets wasted drunk every other day.

Another one, 32, lovely guy, too intelligent for his own good, is heartbroken because he can't find a girlfriend, but he has a commitment problem and moves country and job as soon as the relationship gets serious, he needs tons of therapy to understand what is wrong with him and that is the reason why he is alone but he doesn't see that. I can think of a lot of guys (and girls) like this among my acquaintances. It's just too bad. Most of them will never know. I pray on my knees not to be one of them.

If he hasn't realised by the age of 44 that the problems he has are caused mainly by his own attitude, then probably he never will unless someone either tells him what the problem is or something so big finally happens that his eyes are finally opened. Have you tried being straight with him about the issue, or would you find it too awkward to be so up front? He may genuinely be horrified if it was pointed put to him how he comes across, and maybe it could give him a jolt into changing his behaviour. If you do go this route, you could point it out as tactfully as possible to try and minimise the hurt it might cause.
I knew someone similar some years ago. She gave the impression of being the kindest most empathic person you could meet and I could not understand at first why so many people who had been close to her had ended up loathing her. When I got to know her, I realised that she was obsessed only with herself, and that there was no room for anyone else in her life.

I know all my problems. Nothing I can do about any of them.

That is kind of scary - to not know that you have an issue preventing you from the love you so desire.
What if that is what is happening with me but I don't know it?!?!

That horrifies me. I spend a lot of time worrying about the flaws I do have... what about the flaws I didn't know I had?


You should definitely give him a few hints if he seems completely clueless.

VeganAtheist said:

That horrifies me. I spend a lot of time worrying about the flaws I do have... what about the flaws I didn't know I had?

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What about flaws you imagine you have, but may not have? We are our own worst critic. Self reflection is good, but don't let it get too out of hand. Especially if you're already down on yourself.

nobody is perfect, everybody has flaws

TheRealCallie said:

What about flaws you imagine you have, but may not have? We are our own worst critic. Self reflection is good, but don't let it get too out of hand. Especially if you're already down on yourself.

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That too.....

I believe that the ability to understand why we act and react the way we do is one of the most important things to know. If we don't know that we are irritating someone, and no one tells us we are irritating them (out of politeness,) then we think everything is okay.

I remember going to a therapist once, and he said to me that out of all of his patients I was the most self-aware. I wasn't always good at spotting habits or behaviors, but I feel good that I am not walking around cluelessly insulting people, irritating them, or acting in a generally anti-social way. Even so, I'm always concerned that I am bothering people. My empathy runs strong. Maybe too strong for my own good.

jaguarundi said:

VanillaCreme said:

He's made his bed, and he'll lie in it.

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.... then he will register on ALL and tell everybody how none of it is his fault it's the women....

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Well, let's hope not... This forum is supposed to be about rainbows and unicorns... preferably both at the same time.

Hi Everyone. Short of calling him selfish, I did my best to "hint" or tell him he needs to give more that he needs to be more considerate. I said to him relationships are a two way street, it's against nature to not give back something. I gave a lot to him. I was kind to him and lent an ear. I hugged him when he wanted it. I was compassionate and understanding. But when it was time for me to need some understanding when I was hurt (from his inconsideration) it was "too much effort" or "please don't bring that up, it will bring my mood down". Always in regards to our relationship it was all about how HE was feeling, needing, wanting...NEVER what I was. Apparently women in the past were trying to tell him but he at a point now where he doesn't want to hear it. Everytime this topic came up he just didn't want to deal. Mature and healthy, huh? We didn't end badly...I am simply ignoring him. I am not going to give what he won't give to me. Let him think a bit. If I have a chance I will tell him...in a calm way that it was all about him and that is why it's a "no go". It was disappointing to me because I really liked him and was attracted to him but I just can't be with a selfish man. It's a life of torture. I researched online "signs of a selfish man" and he fit almost all of it. So I have to walk away. Yes, it is sad.

For the record, I was willing to tolerate his being a "misfit" as I am, too. I was even willing to tolerate his low income as long as he was ambitious for more. I was NOT willing to tolerate a selfish attitude. I've dated artists before...who didn't make much. We had a great time but only because they were willing to give in some other area of life. For instance they would cook for me, or repair something on my home, help me out...that is all good. This guy...unbelievable...he thinks his "passionate" self is enough. Um no it is not. You must give more. He is tight in all ways...emotionally, financially and physically. Sad sad sad.

VanillaCreme said:

I know someone like that. They don't even notice that they're like that either. However, if he doesn't see how he is as a problem, then it's not. Although I don't agree with complaining and not changing, no one can change him or make him see this as an problem if it's not an problem to him. He's made his bed, and he'll lie in it.

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The thing with something like this, though, is that it is not always someone's firm choice to be like this: who exactly says "I WANT to be a selfish person"... it is how it turns out.

It is a very common problem for men with Asperger's or autistic symptoms. It is a problem that falls under either empathy, or "theory of mind" depending how you see it.

At a certain age it is NOT fixable, and therefore such a person has to find a woman who can accept him as he is. I would think plenty of women would tolerate this.

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Peaches said:

Apart from my own obvious and less obvious deficits, I can think of a lovely 45 years old guy, a good person, street smarts, good talker, tall, not bad looking at all, and he has two faults: a) he only likes high middle class girls who don't even see him because he works in gardening and goes to labour advocacy meetings (not sure about the name in english) b) he lives with his mother, which for many women is a big deterrent, and also affects his personality negatively because of the constant bickering c) he gets wasted drunk every other day.

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Women like guys who live with one or both parents. Fact.

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Triple Bogey said:

I know all my problems. Nothing I can do about any of them.

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THIS. Finally someone who understands.

It's worse when you are actually trying to figure out your flaws, and asking others for help, and they won't be honest with you about it. I guess I'm just the one in a million perfect loner.

Batman55 said:

At a certain age it is NOT fixable, and therefore such a person has to find a woman who can accept him as he is. I would think plenty of women would tolerate this.

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There is NEVER a certain age where you can not fix something. Sorry, but no. All a person need is a desire to fix it and an understanding that they have a problem.

Batman55 said:

Women like guys who live with one or both parents. Fact.

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Where the hell do you get this supposed FACT? That is not a fact.

Batman55 said:

Triple Bogey said:

I know all my problems. Nothing I can do about any of them.

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THIS. Finally someone who understands.

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As I said already, if you don't like something, you can change it. Saying you CAN'T is a cop out...an excuse. You don't want to try, that's fine, but don't say you can't.

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kamya said:

It's worse when you are actually trying to figure out your flaws, and asking others for help, and they won't be honest with you about it. I guess I'm just the one in a million perfect loner.

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Of all the people I know, there is ONE that will tell me the brutal truth if I ask her, no matter what. I have not met anyone else like this. I think friends don't want to hurt feelings, usually, so they won't be honest like that.

Personally, I prefer honesty and if I'm asked a question, I will not lie.

I kind of worry about this myself sometimes. I laugh and cringe at that move "about a boy" when people are saying that Will is selfish, he is all *wait I can't be selfish it is just me -- of course I have to be all about me* -- as you get into your 40s and are alone it is just natural and you start to focus on that and you can become too about it.

I get criticized for that at work also... and I don't understand it. The facts are simply that I do help out others... I feel like being single in my 40s period makes people think that I am selfish and then... all facts are viewed through the *selfish* view.

One thing I don't do that i guess this guy does... is look for a relationship. I have figured out already that the vast majority of guys in my age group are too selfish for me. I just feel like most men are taught that a certain way of life is ok and they aren't going to change. So many of my married friends constantly complain about their husbands refusing to help them... and it is like they are single parents. Often when I look at the husbands I don't think they mean to be that way, they just don't see the need to clean up every 4 days.. they don't see why the dishes can't be left for a week. But in almost every case these guys either hid this tendency or were more willing to be selfless when they were younger.

jaguarundi said:

VanillaCreme said:

He's made his bed, and he'll lie in it.

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.... then he will register on ALL and tell everybody how none of it is his fault it's the women....

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Which is always the case, right? Since when has there been a relationship issue where it isn't the man's fault? </sarcasmservice>

Also, Callie's answer overestimates the human ability of self-improvement. Changing one's flaws is much more doable when one is younger & has more energy. After a certain point in life, the basic parts of one's character have dried & cured, so to speak. Personality is not some infinitely malleable substance that can be reformed from a single will.

I know what my problems are & struggled for years to fix them. These days I just do my best to get things done & get through the days.

MTrip said:

Also, Callie's answer overestimates the human ability of self-improvement. Changing one's flaws is much more doable when one is younger & has more energy. After a certain point in life, the basic parts of one's character have dried & cured, so to speak. Personality is not some infinitely malleable substance that can be reformed from a single will.

I know what my problems are & struggled for years to fix them. These days I just do my best to get things done & get through the days.[/color][/font]

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Never said it was easy, but it's not impossible. If someone, no matter what their age, wants to change themselves for the better, they can do so.

It's more than simply knowing what your problems/faults/flaws are. It takes determined and honestly wanting to change. Putting in every ounce of effort you have into it. Many people know what is "wrong" with them, but not many people want to do what it takes to change what's "wrong."

jaguarundi said:

VanillaCreme said:

He's made his bed, and he'll lie in it.

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.... then he will register on ALL and tell everybody how none of it is his fault it's the women....

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^^ *chokes laughing*

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HappyYogi said:

... or "please don't bring that up, it will bring my mood down".

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I ******* despise that.

EVERYONE gets in a pissy mood at times and someone who isn't willing to accept that is a selfish ******* who only thinks of themselves IN MY OPINION.
(relationship-wise I mean)