Hating my Best Friends Girlfriend

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RockerChick

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So I am kind of between a rock and a hard place. One of my best friends (a guy) starting dating this girl about 6 months ago. They are both fresh out of divorces. He is near 40 and she is almost 30. He is only her second boyfriend in life. She is incredibly book smart, but that is pretty much all she has to offer. Her personality sucks. She talks over people, she is the type that shoves her opinion down your throat (ex. A mature person says "I don't think that is weird" and she says "that IS NOT weird!") She refused to have sex with him for over 6 months, but they did dry hump (yes, they did. Don't worry, I shake my head at that too). She wont visit him or go to his house, he has to go to hers. She nags A LOT. I guess you guys get the picture. Anyway, the other day my friend and I were talking on the phone. She didn't agree with what we were saying and she grabbed the phone off of him and starting shoving her opinion down my throat, and never stopped talking. Basically never giving me that opportunity to tell her to stay in her lane and get out of our conversation. I have not been disrespected like that in a long time and it infuriated me to my core. My friend and I are on shaky ground, because in my opinion, he should have put her in her place, by making her aware that what she did was incredibly immature and disrespectful. But he is passive and will stay in a relationship simply because he doesnt want to be "alone".

I am considering letting the friendship go. I don't have immature people in my life, and as long as he is in my life, she has access to it. Am I wrong? I can't deal with that level of BS. Her and I have only met once, not enough to make her think it was okay to talk to me like that. I told my friend it's in his best interest to take her the other way if they ever see me in public (I have run into them twice over the last 6 months). I just feel like it's time to walk. I'm losing respect for my friend anyway. He needs to man up and control the situation when she gets out of control.
 
I wouldn't get rid of the friendship completely, just keep your distance. I've had friends that were in relationships I wasn't happy to see them in, but it's their life. If they want to date that person, you can't really say, "Hey, your girlfriend sucks, so we won't be friends." But being disrespected is NOT okay though. My ex's friends didn't like me, but we were kind to each other. It sounds like you voiced your opinion with that at least.
 
If he is happy you have to be happy for him even if you do not care for his choice. It his choice to make, not yours.

I have ..just about.. A very old friend whose choice of partner I find, difficult. Actually, i dont much like her at all. A lot of her early behaviour was, I think, marking her territory. Showing me and some others that she was number one. But my friend was and is still a friend, despite her choice.

15 years later she and my friend are still together and married, in fact. I still don't like the woman, or understand why my friend picked her, especially as she has edged one or two other old mates of my friend out.

But we still have a little contact and I am still there if my friend ever needs me. If I had dropped her, that would never be possible.

Its up to you, but the woman may calm down, or it may not last anyway, or you may be sidelined without you having to lift a finger..
 
Nicolelt said:
I wouldn't get rid of the friendship completely, just keep your distance. I've had friends that were in relationships I wasn't happy to see them in, but it's their life. If they want to date that person, you can't really say, "Hey, your girlfriend sucks, so we won't be friends." But being disrespected is NOT okay though. My ex's friends didn't like me, but we were kind to each other. It sounds like you voiced your opinion with that at least.

Exactly. I know I wont always like my friend's significant others, but disrespect is a whole new ball game. I did express my opinion to my friend. But he is so passive, he will not engage her regarding the situation. So, what's the point?
 
You have every right not to like her for whatever reason you choose. However, you do not have the right to judge her for what she does in her own relationship. You may not deem her worthy to much of anything, but obviously your friend does. And it's not within your right to say what is what in their relationship. If they decide not to have sex, that's their issue. If they decided to dry hump, that's their issue. If your friend wants to go to her house, that's his issue. It's not your relationship, and if you really don't like her, then perhaps you should ignore the fact she's there. Because you can't change it.

Personally, I'd tell her that I don't feel comfortable talking to her, and that I'd appreciate if she didn't talk to me. That's the most you can do. Because you can't control that she's with your friend, only how you respond to her. If your friend doesn't agree with you not liking her, that's his own issue as well. Perhaps your friend should put her in her place, but that is not for you to decide. He can treat his girlfriend however he sees fit, and if you feel like he's not saying much to her about her actions, perhaps it's time for you to walk away.
 
Well, i would personally approach the situation a little differently. As a friend, I would certainly make my opinion known, but as the same time, the guy is a grown man and certainly able to make his own decisions regarding relationships - whether he wants to 'man up' or not is his own business, whether you think he needs to or not. I wouldn't drop the friendship over it, simply back off a little and let him know the reason why - you are under no obligation to hang out with his new lady. If he chooses to stay with this woman, so be it - as a friend, I think it's best to stay supportive and accept the fact that sometimes people will make decisions that you don't like.
 
The issue here is not that I dislike her. It's not that she is a prude. It's not those things. I was giving you guys background. The issue is that she felt it was okay to grab the phone off of him, yell at me in an incredibly disrespectful manner, and he said nothing about it. The issue is that.

I have been supportive up until this incident. And I am giving you guys background and my own personal opinion that I have not expressed to him, because I am (WAS) being supportive.
 
I would've hung up on her myself- I simply can't be bothered to put up with boorish people like her. If it was bothering me the way it appears to be getting to you I'd simply stop wasting my time on that kind of aggravation- who needs the grief....
 
WildernessWildChild said:
I would've hung up on her myself- I simply can't be bothered to put up with boorish people like her. If it was bothering me the way it appears to be getting to you I'd simply stop wasting my time on that kind of aggravation- who needs the grief....

This is exactly what I did and exactly the direction I think I am going to go in.
 
RockerChick said:
WildernessWildChild said:
I would've hung up on her myself- I simply can't be bothered to put up with boorish people like her. If it was bothering me the way it appears to be getting to you I'd simply stop wasting my time on that kind of aggravation- who needs the grief....

This is exactly what I did and exactly the direction I think I am going to go in.

Sometimes a persons just gotta keep it simple RC. You didn't invite her into your life and if you find her intolerable why put up with it? Gotta give you credit for dealing with her for six months, no one can say you didn't try.
 
WildernessWildChild said:
RockerChick said:
WildernessWildChild said:
I would've hung up on her myself- I simply can't be bothered to put up with boorish people like her. If it was bothering me the way it appears to be getting to you I'd simply stop wasting my time on that kind of aggravation- who needs the grief....

This is exactly what I did and exactly the direction I think I am going to go in.

Sometimes a persons just gotta keep it simple RC. You didn't invite her into your life and if you find her intolerable why put up with it? Gotta give you credit for dealing with her for six months, no one can say you didn't try.

I have to agree with WWC. It's their relationship, yes, but he is YOUR friend, so you also have a relationship there. Her butting into that and being disrespectful to you is not okay.
 
TheRealCallie said:
I have to agree with WWC. It's their relationship, yes, but he is YOUR friend, so you also have a relationship there. Her butting into that and being disrespectful to you is not okay.

I am feeling along the same lines as you and WWC. Most things in my life are simple. I love the golden rule of K.I.S.S. (Keep it simple, stupid). It makes my life easier. Their relationship, in my opinion only, has started both immature and one sided, but it's not my place to say anything, and I haven't. With her forcing her way into our friendship, whether she was pissing on her tree or not, the way she did it was not okay. And there isn't a single person in my life that feels that kind of behavior is acceptable. Because I don't allow that behavior in my life. It makes me sad that I have to let go of this friendship. But for me, this is the best decision. He will not ensure that it will never happen again. So sadly, I cannot rely on him.
 
TheRealCallie said:
I have to agree with WWC.

Not to change the subject but Callie, are you okay? Might have to mark this one on the calendar....

K.I.S.S. was what I was going to say but I didn't want it to come across with the wrong emphasis on it RC. Bad behaviour that goes unchecked somehow becomes acceptable- I think that's the source of a lot of grief in the world today.
 
RockerChick said:
So I am kind of between a rock and a hard place. One of my best friends (a guy) starting dating this girl about 6 months ago. They are both fresh out of divorces. He is near 40 and she is almost 30. He is only her second boyfriend in life. She is incredibly book smart, but that is pretty much all she has to offer. Her personality sucks. She talks over people, she is the type that shoves her opinion down your throat (ex. A mature person says "I don't think that is weird" and she says "that IS NOT weird!") She refused to have sex with him for over 6 months, but they did dry hump (yes, they did. Don't worry, I shake my head at that too). She wont visit him or go to his house, he has to go to hers. She nags A LOT. I guess you guys get the picture. Anyway, the other day my friend and I were talking on the phone. She didn't agree with what we were saying and she grabbed the phone off of him and starting shoving her opinion down my throat, and never stopped talking. Basically never giving me that opportunity to tell her to stay in her lane and get out of our conversation. I have not been disrespected like that in a long time and it infuriated me to my core. My friend and I are on shaky ground, because in my opinion, he should have put her in her place, by making her aware that what she did was incredibly immature and disrespectful. But he is passive and will stay in a relationship simply because he doesnt want to be "alone".

I am considering letting the friendship go. I don't have immature people in my life, and as long as he is in my life, she has access to it. Am I wrong? I can't deal with that level of BS. Her and I have only met once, not enough to make her think it was okay to talk to me like that. I told my friend it's in his best interest to take her the other way if they ever see me in public (I have run into them twice over the last 6 months). I just feel like it's time to walk. I'm losing respect for my friend anyway. He needs to man up and control the situation when she gets out of control.

I've lost few friends this way & in hind sight, they weren't much of a friend to begin with, I guess... One girl I used to hang out with all the time... When I was involved with my ex, she used to always say to me how I didn't have enough time for her... Now that the situation is flipped, she's telling me how I don't understand the "delicate relationship situations"... When I repeat what she has told me when I was in a relationship, she just blew it off like it didn't mean anything... I haven't talked to her in about a year... She still tries to contact me once in a while but I have to keep reminding her my life doesn't revolve around hers... She gets all bent outta shape...

Friendship goes both ways... Both parties have to be willing to put effort into the relationship or it won't last too long... Even if it does, it can't be that healthy of a relationship...
 
I've been in this situation and it sucks. I've even cut ties with people until they're single again because I couldn't stand the person they were dating only to have them get married and lose them forever. Unfortunately, though, that's the path some people choose. Some people, especially introverts, like domineering people. No clue why but it happens.

Do what you feel is right here. If it's unbearable, you were never given a choice but to cut ties.
 
RockerChick said:
The issue here is not that I dislike her. It's not that she is a prude. It's not those things. I was giving you guys background. The issue is that she felt it was okay to grab the phone off of him, yell at me in an incredibly disrespectful manner, and he said nothing about it. The issue is that.

I have been supportive up until this incident. And I am giving you guys background and my own personal opinion that I have not expressed to him, because I am (WAS) being supportive.

I apologize if it seemed like I jumped to the gun. What do you believe he should have done? Honestly, many people wouldn't defend a friend over their girlfriend/boyfriend. And surely you could understand why. He had to go home with her. If you haven't expressed yourself to him, then perhaps you should. Support him, but don't be a doormat to him or his girlfriend.

If she snatches his phone from him again (which he allowed), simply hang up on her. If he has a problem with you hanging up on her, then explain to him you'd rather not hear his mouthy girlfriend, and that you feel disrespected.
 
Gravely said:
Some people, especially introverts, like domineering people. No clue why but it happens.

Funny you say this, Gravely. He has no qualms screaming to the rooftop that he is an introvert. He is very proud of that fact. I love introverts, and I agree with you. This woman is also an introvert though. I am an extrovert with introvert tendencies. She has told my friend that he is "not allowed" to discuss their relationship with me because I intimidate her and will judge her. Which is crazy because I don't judge anyone.

Eh. I guess overall my issue is he allowed her to not only disrespect me, but him too. Like I said earlier, IMO, he needs to man up in this situation.


VanillaCreme said:
I apologize if it seemed like I jumped to the gun. What do you believe he should have done? Honestly, many people wouldn't defend a friend over their girlfriend/boyfriend. And surely you could understand why. He had to go home with her. If you haven't expressed yourself to him, then perhaps you should. Support him, but don't be a doormat to him or his girlfriend.

If she snatches his phone from him again (which he allowed), simply hang up on her. If he has a problem with you hanging up on her, then explain to him you'd rather not hear his mouthy girlfriend, and that you feel disrespected.

In hindsight, I feel like him not expressing anything at all is the wrong way to handle it. He doesn't need to defend me, he needs to defend himself. Your partner should never snatch a phone out of your hand. Ever. It is disrespectful, it shows a lack of trust and it shows what your worth is to her. I feel that he should advise her that that behavior is unacceptable. They have been dating 6 months. This is new. Now is the time to set boundaries like that. It makes me sad to see him being a doormat.

And don't apologize. :) I understand I made it seem like I was nagging him about their relationship. I should have made it clearer that those were my internal feelings that stay there, until now.
 
Unfortunately desperation (not wanting to be alone in his case) makes allowances for actions/attitudes he may have otherwise felt objectionable. Many of us have been in a similar place one time or another to varying degrees....it can be incredibly eye-opening to reflect back later on and wonder why we'd put up with it once we're removed from the situation.
 
I'll never get that. The desperation that would cause you to be with someone that treats you like honeysuckle. I have watched both my grandmother and my mother spend YEARS completely miserable, and still miserable to this day in their marriages (my grandmother 60+ years), and it seriously makes me relieved that I am single. I will never settle for someone that treats me like honeysuckle. There are compromises. Disrespect is never one of them.
 
RockerChick said:
My friend and I are on shaky ground, because in my opinion, he should have put her in her place, by making her aware that what she did was incredibly immature and disrespectful.

I have been in situations like this a number of times, and this is what I have learned:

VanillaCreme said:
Honestly, many people wouldn't defend a friend over their girlfriend/boyfriend.

It was a painful lesson for me to learn and it took me a long time to learn it, and now I've just come to expect it. But it has happened so many times, and been so hurtful, that over the last few years I have avoided befriending men with girlfriends.

RockerChick said:
She has told my friend that he is "not allowed" to discuss their relationship with me because I intimidate her and will judge her. Which is crazy because I don't judge anyone.

I can actually understand her viewpoint on this. I wouldn't like my boyfriend discussing our relationship issues with someone else we know, simply because I am a very private person and I don't like to be talked about. Especially regarding a subject so intimate to me.

Also, there are people out there who act like friends to the opposite gender and use problems in their relationships to undermine, manipulate, and weave their way in. I'm sure you have no such intentions, but I can at least understand why she may feel intimidated by your friendship with her boyfriend. She may not even see you as a threat that way, but she may be afraid that you will encourage him to break up with her. Friends tend to encourage breakups a lot more often than they encourage their friends to stay in a relationship, and if she knows you don't like her...

I would never tell my boyfriend that he wasn't allowed to discuss it with someone though, and maybe that's what really bothers you about it. But I don't really think there's anything wrong with her not wanting him to.

I understand where you're coming from too though, because it's the same way I feel in a friendship: I just want to be there for my friend, because that's what friends are for; if he wants or needs to talk then he should be able to, and I'm not judgemental, so what's the problem?

But that's me looking at it from the perspective of a single person outside the relationship. I can see both sides.

RockerChick said:
Which is crazy because I don't judge anyone.

I'm just wondering what you mean when you say you don't judge, because it seems a little contrary to some of your earlier posts in the thread. I understand much of this is just explanatory and venting, but you seem to have made quite a few judgements about her already. Not that there's anything wrong with that, everybody forms opinions about the behavior they witness. Maybe our definitions of "judge" differ, I donno. =/ I'm just curious really.

It doesn't sound like she knows you that well, so she can't really know that you won't judge her. That said, I think her apprehension overall actually has more to do with her being intimidated by you than being afraid you will judge her.
 

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