Nothing good to look back on

That's my problem.
There is nothing good I can look back on that gives me a bit of confidence. I am talking romantically.

No good experiences, no nice occasions. Just nothing. An whole life time of disappointments.

That's why I feel like I do, nothing to give me that little bit of confidence and hope.

Triple Bogey said:

That's my problem.
There is nothing good I can look back on that gives me a bit of confidence. I am talking romantically.

No good experiences, no nice occasions. Just nothing. An whole life time of disappointments.

That's why I feel like I do, nothing to give me that little bit of confidence and hope.

Click to expand...

I get where you're coming from, completely. I've felt that way almost all my life. But that may be the trouble. You are not in the past right now, you're in the present. All those past faults and mistakes you made aren't real anymore, so long as they didn't have lasting physical consequences (like getting a nasty injury or something).

You have to just decide to be confident, decide that you are worth something. The truth that I've found is that as long as you are asking for permission to be confident from anyone or anything outside of yourself, you will never have it. I know, I've tried for asking all kinds of permission. Permission to be confident, permission to be creative, permission to be good-looking, permission to be happy, and so on and so forth. But the very nature of confidence is simply creating and claiming it without permission.

If you want to be confident the only thing there is to do is decide you have confidence. Tell yourself a new story, in which you have value and you know it.

Well I suppose one way to look at it will be when it does arrive it'll that bit more special.

Triple Bogey said:

There is nothing good I can look back on that gives me a bit of confidence.

Click to expand...

So stop looking back. Focus on the present. The past is just that...the past. Find something you have TODAY that can give you confidence. Don't tell me there's nothing, because everyone has something, even if they don't think they do.
It's all about how you look at things, perspective can make all the difference. So, find something to give you confidence. Doesn't matter where it comes from or what it is, as long as it makes you confident.

You like golf, I'm sure you are confident in that. So use that. Find some golf girls and have fun.
You take pictures, join a photography club or something like that and meet people there.

Oh, and you'll have more success if you stop with the self defeating attitude about how women don't like you and whatnot. Worry about what YOU like and don't like and change it if you can, accept it if you can't. Let the women decide for themselves.

TheRealCallie said:

Triple Bogey said:

There is nothing good I can look back on that gives me a bit of confidence.

Click to expand...

So stop looking back. Focus on the present. The past is just that...the past. Find something you have TODAY that can give you confidence. Don't tell me there's nothing, because everyone has something, even if they don't think they do.
It's all about how you look at things, perspective can make all the difference. So, find something to give you confidence. Doesn't matter where it comes from or what it is, as long as it makes you confident.

You like golf, I'm sure you are confident in that. So use that. Find some golf girls and have fun.
You take pictures, join a photography club or something like that and meet people there.

Oh, and you'll have more success if you stop with the self defeating attitude about how women don't like you and whatnot. Worry about what YOU like and don't like and change it if you can, accept it if you can't. Let the women decide for themselves.

Click to expand...

I am confident and I can talk to women easy and they do seem to like me. I can see that. They don't like me romantically though. That is the problem. I could have a dozen female friends if I wanted and I do have a few and it's nice but not the same as a girlfriend.

---

9006 said:

Well I suppose one way to look at it will be when it does arrive it'll that bit more special.

Click to expand...

Even a dance at a disco would have been nice.
But hey ho, I do have a lot of things going for me otherwise.

Triple Bogey said:

That's my problem.
There is nothing good I can look back on that gives me a bit of confidence. I am talking romantically.

No good experiences, no nice occasions. Just nothing. An whole life time of disappointments.

That's why I feel like I do, nothing to give me that little bit of confidence and hope.

Click to expand...

I feel like moaning and then the next day feel a bit embarrassed what I wrote. I guess we all get down in the dumps.

TheSkaFish said:

You have to just decide to be confident, decide that you are worth something. The truth that I've found is that as long as you are asking for permission to be confident from anyone or anything outside of yourself, you will never have it. I know, I've tried for asking all kinds of permission. Permission to be confident, permission to be creative, permission to be good-looking, permission to be happy, and so on and so forth. But the very nature of confidence is simply creating and claiming it without permission.

Click to expand...

The problem is in maintaining the attitude. I have no trouble getting into the spirit of it for day or two, and people do appear to respond well when you don't give (as much of) a crap. But eventually I revert back to focusing too much on what others think.

Probably that initial surge of confidence isn't really confidence at all, but the byproduct of a cynical 'fresia you' mindset, one which becomes exhausting after a while.

TheRealCallie said:

Triple Bogey said:

There is nothing good I can look back on that gives me a bit of confidence.

Click to expand...

So stop looking back. Focus on the present. The past is just that...the past. Find something you have TODAY that can give you confidence. Don't tell me there's nothing, because everyone has something, even if they don't think they do.
It's all about how you look at things, perspective can make all the difference. So, find something to give you confidence. Doesn't matter where it comes from or what it is, as long as it makes you confident.

You like golf, I'm sure you are confident in that. So use that. Find some golf girls and have fun.
You take pictures, join a photography club or something like that and meet people there.

Oh, and you'll have more success if you stop with the self defeating attitude about how women don't like you and whatnot. Worry about what YOU like and don't like and change it if you can, accept it if you can't. Let the women decide for themselves.

Click to expand...

This.

lonelyfairy said:

TheRealCallie said:

Triple Bogey said:

There is nothing good I can look back on that gives me a bit of confidence.

Click to expand...

So stop looking back. Focus on the present. The past is just that...the past. Find something you have TODAY that can give you confidence. Don't tell me there's nothing, because everyone has something, even if they don't think they do.
It's all about how you look at things, perspective can make all the difference. So, find something to give you confidence. Doesn't matter where it comes from or what it is, as long as it makes you confident.

You like golf, I'm sure you are confident in that. So use that. Find some golf girls and have fun.
You take pictures, join a photography club or something like that and meet people there.

Oh, and you'll have more success if you stop with the self defeating attitude about how women don't like you and whatnot. Worry about what YOU like and don't like and change it if you can, accept it if you can't. Let the women decide for themselves.

Click to expand...

This.

Click to expand...

I think the only way my self defeating attitude comes across is I don't ask women out on dates. I find it too difficult. My overall attitude is always positive and happy.

There are some good things to look back on. We all have them whether they are small things or huge accomplishments we have them. They could be with someone or they could be by yourself. There are some moments and things that if I didn't go out and do them I would have regretted it for my entire life. So its always good to know there are some things that only you know that you have had and nobody else experienced them as you did.

Wanderer145 said:

There are some good things to look back on. We all have them whether they are small things or huge accomplishments we have them. They could be with someone or they could be by yourself. There are some moments and things that if I didn't go out and do them I would have regretted it for my entire life. So its always good to know there are some things that only you know that you have had and nobody else experienced them as you did.

Click to expand...

I have loads of good memories, great times, things I have achieved and enjoyed. None with women though. It would be nice to think back and think about a woman who liked me even for a short time, I can't though.

Triple Bogey said:

I have loads of good memories, great times, things I have achieved and enjoyed. None with women though. It would be nice to think back and think about a woman who liked me even for a short time, I can't though.

Click to expand...

I understand I had that about 5 years back. It wasn't great going through those days without anyone to look back on. I did get on with things because its all I could do to stop the feeling of never having anyone. I'm glad you're proud of the things that have made you happy. You still have the chance to change it man so never give up. I'm not gonna say something cliche like it comes when you're not looking just focus on yourself and the things you love doing its the way to keep going forward.

Wanderer145 said:

Triple Bogey said:

I have loads of good memories, great times, things I have achieved and enjoyed. None with women though. It would be nice to think back and think about a woman who liked me even for a short time, I can't though.

Click to expand...

I understand I had that about 5 years back. It wasn't great going through those days without anyone to look back on. I did get on with things because its all I could do to stop the feeling of never having anyone. I'm glad you're proud of the things that have made you happy. You still have the chance to change it man so never give up. I'm not gonna say something cliche like it comes when you're not looking just focus on yourself and the things you love doing its the way to keep going forward.

Click to expand...

cheers

Triple Bogey said:

Wanderer145 said:

There are some good things to look back on. We all have them whether they are small things or huge accomplishments we have them. They could be with someone or they could be by yourself. There are some moments and things that if I didn't go out and do them I would have regretted it for my entire life. So its always good to know there are some things that only you know that you have had and nobody else experienced them as you did.

Click to expand...

I have loads of good memories, great times, things I have achieved and enjoyed. None with women though. It would be nice to think back and think about a woman who liked me even for a short time, I can't though.

Click to expand...

Maybe you should do the exact opposite of your daily routine, a la George Costanza...
[video=youtube]

On a more serious note, Bogey, Callie is right in you need to stop being so **** negative. You come across as a cheerful, bright, caring person, until you start putting yourself down. Actually, taking better care of your self-worth is something you can start on.

beautiful loser said:

Triple Bogey said:

Wanderer145 said:

There are some good things to look back on. We all have them whether they are small things or huge accomplishments we have them. They could be with someone or they could be by yourself. There are some moments and things that if I didn't go out and do them I would have regretted it for my entire life. So its always good to know there are some things that only you know that you have had and nobody else experienced them as you did.

Click to expand...

I have loads of good memories, great times, things I have achieved and enjoyed. None with women though. It would be nice to think back and think about a woman who liked me even for a short time, I can't though.

Click to expand...

Maybe you should do the exact opposite of your daily routine, a la George Costanza...
[video=youtube]

On a more serious note, Bogey, Callie is right in you need to stop being so damned negative. You come across as a cheerful, bright, caring person, until you start putting yourself down. Actually, taking better care of your self-worth is something you can start on.

Click to expand...

I regret writing the initial post. I was fed up. There is some notice at work in the canteen. It's on about some party and they want you to write your name down if you are going and if your partner is going. Of course everybody is writing stuff down. Nearly everybody at work has somebody. I am the odd one out. Reading that pissed me off.

People make fun out of me being single. I play up to it because I never complain at work. I only do that on here. Where else can I ?
It isn't that nice been the staff joke. I don't want to be some sad fresia who is always going on about not getting dates.

ardour said:

TheSkaFish said:

You have to just decide to be confident, decide that you are worth something. The truth that I've found is that as long as you are asking for permission to be confident from anyone or anything outside of yourself, you will never have it. I know, I've tried for asking all kinds of permission. Permission to be confident, permission to be creative, permission to be good-looking, permission to be happy, and so on and so forth. But the very nature of confidence is simply creating and claiming it without permission.

Click to expand...

The problem is in maintaining the attitude. I have no trouble getting into the spirit of it for day or two, and people do appear to respond well when you don't give (as much of) a crap. But eventually I revert back to focusing too much on what others think.

Probably that initial surge of confidence isn't really confidence at all, but the byproduct of a cynical 'fresia you' mindset, one which becomes exhausting after a while.

Click to expand...

I see where you are coming from and have certainly felt that way myself. But the problem is, your old story is a habit. You have to put in more effort for a longer period of time to convince yourself of the new story.

Labeling the surge of confidence as not confidence is another problem. It's whatever you decide it is. When you choose to believe it is a cynical "fresia you" mindset, then you choose to believe that your confidence is false, it feels like an act you have to put on instead of your true nature and therefore it feels like work, and you find yourself back at square 1.

Just now I almost thought of asking someone permission, in the form of creativity. I wanted to ask a local kid that I grew up with who became an music and visual artist, how he gets into creative flow. Then I consciously reminded myself that it doesn't matter how he does it, I already know what I need to do to get in flow and as long as I am asking for someone else to tell me it's okay, that I'm fine - I won't be fine.

So that's it. Simply decide you are confident, have value, and are a "catch". Remind yourself as many times as necessary. You just have to rewrite your story. It may take time, in fact, some say that with your thoughts, you are literally changing the neural pathways in your brain, like a river carving a new path. It might not change in a day but what would you rather do?

This video may also help:

[video=youtube]

TheRealCallie said:

So stop looking back. Focus on the present. The past is just that...the past. Find something you have TODAY that can give you confidence. Don't tell me there's nothing, because everyone has something, even if they don't think they do.
It's all about how you look at things, perspective can make all the difference. So, find something to give you confidence. Doesn't matter where it comes from or what it is, as long as it makes you confident.

You like golf, I'm sure you are confident in that. So use that. Find some golf girls and have fun.
You take pictures, join a photography club or something like that and meet people there.

Oh, and you'll have more success if you stop with the self defeating attitude about how women don't like you and whatnot. Worry about what YOU like and don't like and change it if you can, accept it if you can't. Let the women decide for themselves.

Click to expand...

Gotta agree with Callie here. I have been doing my best to let go of my past and it has helped me greatly in moving forward and improving my life. Can't keep dwelling in the past, you'll never move on.

ladyforsaken said:

TheRealCallie said:

So stop looking back. Focus on the present. The past is just that...the past. Find something you have TODAY that can give you confidence. Don't tell me there's nothing, because everyone has something, even if they don't think they do.
It's all about how you look at things, perspective can make all the difference. So, find something to give you confidence. Doesn't matter where it comes from or what it is, as long as it makes you confident.

You like golf, I'm sure you are confident in that. So use that. Find some golf girls and have fun.
You take pictures, join a photography club or something like that and meet people there.

Oh, and you'll have more success if you stop with the self defeating attitude about how women don't like you and whatnot. Worry about what YOU like and don't like and change it if you can, accept it if you can't. Let the women decide for themselves.

Click to expand...

Gotta agree with Callie here. I have been doing my best to let go of my past and it has helped me greatly in moving forward and improving my life. Can't keep dwelling in the past, you'll never move on.

Click to expand...

my past is crap, even 3 years ago while now is pretty good !

TheSkaFish said:

I get where you're coming from, completely. I've felt that way almost all my life. But that may be the trouble. You are not in the past right now, you're in the present. All those past faults and mistakes you made aren't real anymore, so long as they didn't have lasting physical consequences (like getting a nasty injury or something).

You have to just decide to be confident, decide that you are worth something. The truth that I've found is that as long as you are asking for permission to be confident from anyone or anything outside of yourself, you will never have it. I know, I've tried for asking all kinds of permission. Permission to be confident, permission to be creative, permission to be good-looking, permission to be happy, and so on and so forth. But the very nature of confidence is simply creating and claiming it without permission.

If you want to be confident the only thing there is to do is decide you have confidence. Tell yourself a new story, in which you have value and you know it.

Click to expand...

I don't think you can simply have confidence from nowhere, though, and that's the problem for some of us.

If you don't have substantial skills, achievements, or undeniable good looks.. where is the confidence supposed to come from? You need value to have confidence.