Feeling left out?

It's been a lot more often than once that i've heard people say something along the lines of: "I don't feel part of this community." "I feel like i'm being ignored." "I wish i'd be popular."

Things like that.

Now, i know that groups and cliques are part of any human community. I'm not trying to stop, hinder, undermine, or halt that in any way. However i do feel that it is not right to have alot of people feeling ignored or pushed to the sidelines on a forum of this nature. Yes, i also know it's not necessarily true that one is being ignored or pushed away, notice how all the examples have the word "feel" in them. Feelings don't come out of nowhere.

I've been in the same boat. A year ago, on my previous account of the same name, i also felt left out often, even though i was one of the more popular people on this forum back then. It was the reason i left it back then. I don't want other people on here to feel that way.

I want to speak to the people who feel they can relate to this with thread ideas that also actively invites them, while trying to not exclude the people who don't feel that way. I just want to do my part in making this forum a sanctuary for everyone.

Of course, i'm not the community, i'm not the forum. I can't do this alone (although that won't stop me from trying.) I need help from others who agree with me. What i want in this thread, is for people who feel this way, to tell their part, if they so desire, for people who have ideas to make this happen, to share them, and, not at all unimportant, people who disagree with me, to give me feedback on what i'm doing wrong, or why it isn't right/won't work etc. Thank you in advance.

Are you with me?

Yeah, I'm with ya. I hear this a lot all the time with most of the people I've talked to on this forum.

There was a period of time when I first joined this forum where I felt like a nobody and totally left out and didn't even have the nerve to post. I think I grew tired of it because I realised that if I don't step up and do something, nothing will happen.

So what did I do? I started posting like a mad poster, you'd see me in almost every thread, even on the games (those were the days lol). Mike would always comment on seeing my name everywhere on the forum lol. I started PMing people but also keeping in mind that I should not hold any expectations to receive any replies or I'd be disappointed even more.

The response was good though. It's why I'm still here. It probably also helped with the good response when I was feeling more positive and uplifted, motivated to do something good and having faith that by doing that I'd receive some good in return.

I think a lot of times on this forum, people come alone and depressed, with various other issues that they have yet to overcome and that probably acts as a barrier for them to connect with a single person. Or prevents them from even trying. And that makes them feel left out because they can't relate or connect with anyone. Or feel that they can't. And I don't know about this, but I always hear how people don't like talking to you if you're always down and depressing. It doesn't affect me much I realise this, I still try to talk to anyone, but I can see how this can also be a problem.

I'm saying the following as someone who hasn't been here for long compared to others. Barely a month as a matter of fact. But as it has already been pointed out, the problem of "feeling left out" is omnipresent in all forums and communities - online and offline.

I don't consider myself an active partaker in this forum. I just read everything, post rarely, hang around in chat being quiet. It's my choice. I don't blame this on the forum itself since it has been quite welcoming. You can't make something of out of nothing after all. There are people who join and don't even introduce themselves - out of major anxiety or plain laziness. They have every right to feel left out, but they should not be surprised. If you don't give a little bit of input about yourself, nobody can properly react.

Some try to publicly appeal in threads for a chat or deeper conversation. That's one way to point others into your direction, but that's not a recipe for success either. You're still reliant on others to take this bait - so to say. They might take it - sometimes just out of pity or mercy.
Personally I'm put off by this behaviour when it gets too intense or pleading. I've been through an era of desperation myself an I know how repelling this can be for your surroundings. Even if you are a nice person and not usually "like that". This actually makes it more difficult to contact somebody...

Only a small minority will actually engage new folks without any input. But you can't rely on these people alone. And even if you give some sort of information about yourself - what you do for a living, the things you're into, etc. - there are no guarantees this will make you eligible to get in touch with everyone. You can't be everybody's friend. We are still a mixture of different human beings with a wide spectrum of interests and personalities. Even within the boundaries of common loneliness.

Hey Rosebolt, I'm making an exception of "not writing in threads" for you.

Thanks for dropping by on chat earlier. We always take everybody into our group so drop by again, you're always welcome.
It's kinda my thing to make everybody feel like they're part of our group so! :3

This is also my message to everybody - if you need a chat or somebody to listen, drop by in the chatroom. There will always be people to listen to you (Except when people are sleeping, of course. but. hey. )

HGwells said:

Hey Rosebolt, I'm making an exception of "not writing in threads" for you.

Thanks for dropping by on chat earlier. We always take everybody into our group so drop by again, you're always welcome.
It's kinda my thing to make everybody feel like they're part of our group so! :3

This is also my message to everybody - if you need a chat or somebody to listen, drop by in the chatroom. There will always be people to listen to you (Except when people are sleeping, of course. but. hey. )

Click to expand...

This :3 +1

I agree with the above, I encourage everyone to join the chat. There's always regulars hanging out, new people ar ealways welcome. I remember when I first joined the chat, it's been one of the best things I have done, I have made some really good friends there and I still visit the chat daily. Everyone has the chance to make new friends or just share experiences, the chat is the place to be. I hope to see many people in the chat and I hope many people will join. And if you have any questions you can always PM someone!

Hmm my chat experiences on the forum xat chat doesn't usually get too productive lol. Maybe it's the timezone. So I just stick to the forum. :\

ladyforsaken said:

Hmm my chat experiences on the forum xat chat doesn't usually get too productive lol. Maybe it's the timezone. So I just stick to the forum. :\

Click to expand...

Aw, I'm sorry. It usually gets more lively around 6/7 PM american time. We usually skype too with the people from chat.

I mean, I've been there for 10 months now and I think it's great..

HGwells said:

Aw, I'm sorry. It usually gets more lively around 6/7 PM american time. We usually skype too with the people from chat.

I mean, I've been there for 10 months now and I think it's great..

Click to expand...

Ah yes, no wonder then, timezones.. boo :\

Glad it works out for you and others who go there too, though.

Swooping in under the radar and leaving a trail of carnage behind has its benefits too Touching down here and there on occasion to make contact works for me, I know it's not everyone's gig but to each their own....

Thank you, ladyforsaken and Rodent. You both make valid points. Of course it is vital for the other person to also take the chance/risk/time to. Communication always exists of at least two parties, in this case, including the one feeling left out or ignored.

What i am trying to achieve here is to make my/our part of that half more inviting than it already is, that is the only thing i can do. I have some ideas for threads to help in that regard, but i would really appreciate the insight and help of other people.

To the people from the chat. Thank you kindly for your support. It's good to know that the chat is open to any and everyone. I've visited the chat a couple of times a year ago, but never felt accepted. I do now, so either i or the chat has somehow changed. Though with my idea, i was more aiming at the forum itself, rather than the chat, which for some reason are a seperate thing in my brain. So my focus is more on that.

And yeah WWC, everyone has their own way of participating. For as long as they feel good doing so, like you do, it's all good.

I too have ventured in the chat room to find nobody there!! Timezones I am quite sure, plus I found the need to understand the chat slang, which apart from lol and ROFL and a few others, I don't (old lady here, you understand). But I made a few quite wonderful friends from taking a few chances with PM's and I cannot begin to say how that has made my particular Lonely Life so much better

But I kind of think that the nature of people who find themselves on ALL is often those who feel left out, apart, different. The ones who don't get picked for the playground tag team, for the science project team. All of that.

It can be just a state of mind because there are a lot of people here who manage to overcome that a little, post a bit and make friends. Its good to try just a bit. Believe that things are different here, because they really can be.

Rosebolt, you know my thoughts on this matter, you know how glad and thankful i am to be in contact with you, and for exchanging so many things and feelings thru PMs, and you know we share several ideas and thoughts in common, so i support what you're expressing here.

I just feel like hugging. All the people who feel left out on here. So come everyone, fit into my long-ass arms

Like HGWells said how she feels it's her job to make everyone feel included in chat, I kinda sometimes feel like that on the forum too. I know what it's like to be deliberately ignored and left out in a group setting with friends and I told myself I'd never do that to anyone if I can help it.

So whatever it is that you're gonna do, Rosey, you know you have got my support as long as its all for good cause.

For a forum of this nature, I would have to say it has a big problem of people judging others. I'm not saying everyone does it, but quite a few do. When someone gets judged on a place like this, it is bound to make them feel left out. I've seen it many times over the course of my time at ALL. (I first came here in 2010) I have seen friends judged, as well as complete strangers.

I have been judged myself, although I don't really care if people judge me or not. You can say I wouldn't be writing this at all if I really didn't care, but I'm writing this for the people who DO care. Because maybe they don't have the courage to speak up....I do.
Some people get judged on what they've done in the past, some get judged for how they choose to represent themselves and some people get judged simply because they can't quite form the words they want to say in the right way. I have seen people base an interpretation of a person's response on something they have written long ago. No one can know what a poster really means except the poster. Don't jump to conclusions, you only have MAYBE a 50% chance of being right.

I get judged because of the way I choose to respond to people. I have seen many times how people think I'm a ***** (okay, I AM a ***** sometimes. lol), tactless and/or heartless. I have been told many, many things. And the examples I gave are from here and they are the less harsh ones. Now, the thing about this is....NONE of you know me, none of you know who I really am, none of you know what I've been through. Most of those who decide to actually get to know me will tell you a completely different view of who I am than your opinion.

So, I think people need to stop assuming so much here, stop judging so much, because THAT makes people feel left out and unwelcome.

Interesting thread. I always feel left out everywhere. At work, at school (when I was at school), online, offline... It doesn't matter to me where I am. I think it's a thing inside my head, just silly thoughts how I am not good enough or being weird somehow. I'm constantly thinking what other people are thinking about me, so stupid! One of the reasons why I don't come to chat often... I was at there, maybe... 3 years ago? Haha.

It's nice to welcome new members for example. To make them feel welcomed and accepted to this forum.

My only real complaint is the focus on venting threads. I'm not good at soothing hurt feelings and venting just makes me think more about what's bothering me, so there's not many opportunities for me to participate in a way that I find meaningful. I can pretend to be touched or make myself post something along those lines in order to be more visible, but I don't think that would make me feel better.

I also don't have the same problems as most people here and can't relate to what's posted. I'm lonely, but I'm not lonely because I'm single, don't like the people I meet, etc. I'm lonely because I'm strange, lack community, don't have a lot of energy for socializing, and am a member of multiple minority groups that aren't well-liked or are still struggling for acceptance.

It took me three years before i started posting here. I feel left out a lot but then i am also very paranoid about things i shouldn't be. And it makes me want to cry at times.

I occasionally feel left out, but more often than not it's because I haven't put in the effort myself. I tend to stand on the sidelines looking in, because I don't want too get to close to anyone - it's probably to my detriment. Thankfully, there are people here who have gone out of their way to make me feel included in things and for that I am grateful.

I'm more than happy to help in making others feel more included in our little community, but the fact that I have the social skills of a potato is not conducive to this.

I applaud you for making this thread, Rosebolt.

TheRealCallie said:

For a forum of this nature, I would have to say it has a big problem of people judging others.

Click to expand...

I believe that you make a very good point. I must admit now that i have also been a person to judge you, although the words in my head were not as harsh as "tactless" or "heartless" let alone *****. Until i realized that your attitude is one i'd like to learn from and use in my own way of talking. So that lowers whats left of my integrity concerning this project.

That aside, from the top of my head, i find it heard to think of an idea or way to get people to stop judging. Of course, that would be to get them more involved with the people they judge. How would you go about tackling something like that, Callie? If i may ask. Of course i understand if you'd rather not bother with such a thing.

jaguarundi said:

It can be just a state of mind...

Click to expand...

You speak truth. While there's not much we can do about that, as i said, all we can do is make it more inviting for everyone, i suppose.

Boreal said:

My only real complaint is the focus on venting threads.

Click to expand...

I understand what you mean. Feeling left out in the sense of not being able to relate. We should have a seperate catagory for venting threads, perhaps.

Reading your threads, i think you're doing a good job in that you're making your threads about things that bother you, and i can imagine that definately helping. The bar is set higher then though, i suppose. So it can be harder for people that find it hard to open up.

johnny196775 said:

It took me three years before i started posting here. I feel left out a lot but then i am also very paranoid about things i shouldn't be. And it makes me want to cry at times.

Click to expand...

I'm very sorry to hear you feel this way. May i ask you what you believe would help you feel more accepted, apart from your thoughts being the primary cause? Maybe we can help?

Cavey said:

I occasionally feel left out, but more often than not it's because I haven't put in the effort myself.

Click to expand...

Let's assume your social skills are indeed bad, that wouldn't even matter much, since ideas are more important, i suppose. Ideas on how to involve everyone that wants to be involved, and then execute those ideas.

Besides, even if your social skills were that of a potato, i still like you alot, so you're doing something right! (or wrong, depending how you look at it )

Thanks everyone for their amazing feedback, i really appreciate it.