Turned my life around...or so I thought

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Stim25

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Never figured I would use a site like this but I need to reach out somehow, and doing so anonymously is all my pride will permit so thank you whoever actually reads this or cares.

Well like many others who suffer from social anxiety and loneliness I used to be what I thought was a complete loser. Overweight, pizza eating, porn and video game addicted basement dwelling nerd to put it bluntly. But I had similar loser friends...high school friends, online chat buddies, something I kind of felt apart of. However a little over a year ago I decided to change my life drastically, seeing as how I was becoming unhappy and even more fat. So on my 22nd Birthday (I'm a 22 year old male) I basically started to turn my "loser" life around.

I have lost nearly 100 pounds and am in the best shape of my life, got a new full time job that pays well, bought a brand new car and motorcycle, enrolled in college for the first time next year, and managed to improve my relationship with my wonderful and supportive family. But in doing all of this I have alienated all of my past friends obliterated my social life...it's now non existent. Despite the few chats I have with old friends now and then I can honestly say that I have no friends...I see the same people day in and day out, my parents/siblings and the two annoying coworkers I work with.

I just can't seem to connect with people anymore? I feel so...numb. Alone and desperate. And despite my new accomplishments I am ultimately less happy than I was as the basement dwelling nerd loser. At least then every morning I woke up with a purpose and drive. Now my drive has simply dwindled and my results feel empty. The anxiety that I had about my weight has more or less vanished with my weight loss journey, but now I am left with a borderline eating disorder (eating guilt/stress) and fat paranoia. Now I'm left with the very real and physical anxiety of loneliness which as of recently has nearly brought me to tears.

What I need, or at least I feel that I need, is a GIRL. I have never had a girlfriend or even kissed a chick but I know that I'm a decent looking guy so physically there is no problem. It's back to the same problem...I emotionally connect with very few people, especially women it seems. And the depressing thing to me is that despite getting my life under control, the one thing continuing to hold me back...this distance and disconnect from other people, I simply cannot control. And all the problems I used to pin on other people are actually all just simply my fault.

So to sum my life as of now up, I'm lonely. I feel that I may be becoming emotionally depressed...and I know I shouldn't be. I feel guilty, numb, alone, detached. It sucks :(
 
Hey. Welcome :) I am sorry you are feeling down. Seems like you have really put a great effort into bettering your situation, which is awesome! But being out of that "comfort" zone can be hard.
I hope you are able to connect with people here.
 
Hi and welcome, I would say don't give up, it sounds like you are on the right road, you just need to find a new social circle. Okay, so it also sounds like you are having problems with that, but on the horizon you mentioned college, plenty of oppurtunity there to meet neew people, including those 'gurl' things. :p

Stay positive, remember what you have accomplished and keep going. I'm sure you can get there if you've gotten this far! :)

Good luck!
 
Stim25 said:
Never figured I would use a site like this but I need to reach out somehow, and doing so anonymously is all my pride will permit so thank you whoever actually reads this or cares.

Well like many others who suffer from social anxiety and loneliness I used to be what I thought was a complete loser. Overweight, pizza eating, porn and video game addicted basement dwelling nerd to put it bluntly. But I had similar loser friends...high school friends, online chat buddies, something I kind of felt apart of. However a little over a year ago I decided to change my life drastically, seeing as how I was becoming unhappy and even more fat. So on my 22nd Birthday (I'm a 22 year old male) I basically started to turn my "loser" life around.

I have lost nearly 100 pounds and am in the best shape of my life, got a new full time job that pays well, bought a brand new car and motorcycle, enrolled in college for the first time next year, and managed to improve my relationship with my wonderful and supportive family. But in doing all of this I have alienated all of my past friends obliterated my social life...it's now non existent. Despite the few chats I have with old friends now and then I can honestly say that I have no friends...I see the same people day in and day out, my parents/siblings and the two annoying coworkers I work with.

I just can't seem to connect with people anymore? I feel so...numb. Alone and desperate. And despite my new accomplishments I am ultimately less happy than I was as the basement dwelling nerd loser. At least then every morning I woke up with a purpose and drive. Now my drive has simply dwindled and my results feel empty. The anxiety that I had about my weight has more or less vanished with my weight loss journey, but now I am left with a borderline eating disorder (eating guilt/stress) and fat paranoia. Now I'm left with the very real and physical anxiety of loneliness which as of recently has nearly brought me to tears.

What I need, or at least I feel that I need, is a GIRL. I have never had a girlfriend or even kissed a chick but I know that I'm a decent looking guy so physically there is no problem. It's back to the same problem...I emotionally connect with very few people, especially women it seems. And the depressing thing to me is that despite getting my life under control, the one thing continuing to hold me back...this distance and disconnect from other people, I simply cannot control. And all the problems I used to pin on other people are actually all just simply my fault.

So to sum my life as of now up, I'm lonely. I feel that I may be becoming emotionally depressed...and I know I shouldn't be. I feel guilty, numb, alone, detached. It sucks :(

Please go to fhu.com and tell me what you think. Many have received help there.
I hope you do. You need more than things or a girl those are not satisfying to the soul.
I hope you give it a try. He has a call in program also mon-fri.
 
You have done incredibly well to have achieved so much. Crossing over from one kind of life to another is hard, almost like emigrating to a new culture. On the postive side re. relationships, you now have your family on side again, which is great. Could you go out socially with some of your family members and maybe meet new people this way? And maybe work a bit more on trying to keep up with the old friends you had, maybe meeting up now and again as well as just chatting, as even though you have moved on, sometimes old friends can still be part of a new way of life.
 
Hi,
Congrats on losing almost 100 pounds, that's a huge accomplishment!
It sounds like you're in a transition time, very common for adults your age. Give it some time to make new friends. I think you will be okay.
Welcome to the forum and don't be ashamed to be here, there are many cool members here :)

-Teresa
 
Stim25 said:
What I need, or at least I feel that I need, is a GIRL. I have never had a girlfriend or even kissed a chick but I know that I'm a decent looking guy so physically there is no problem. It's back to the same problem...I emotionally connect with very few people, especially women it seems. And the depressing thing to me is that despite getting my life under control, the one thing continuing to hold me back...this distance and disconnect from other people, I simply cannot control. And all the problems I used to pin on other people are actually all just simply my fault.

Your quest to make yourself more impressive, more accomplished, and more attractive--so that you can find a girl--is mostly a quest of inauthenticity. You are chasing an ideal that doesn't fit your personality.

I actually think you would be more attractive to women if you stopped striving to be something you're not. Which doesn't mean losing all the progress you've gained--getting in shape is good for health and for your appearance--it means to reconnect with your old friends and be yourself again.
 
Batman55 said:
Your quest to make yourself more impressive, more accomplished, and more attractive--so that you can find a girl--is mostly a quest of inauthenticity. You are chasing an ideal that doesn't fit your personality.

I actually think you would be more attractive to women if you stopped striving to be something you're not. Which doesn't mean losing all the progress you've gained--getting in shape is good for health and for your appearance--it means to reconnect with your old friends and be yourself again.

Then the obvious question is 'what if no woman likes the "authentic" me?'
 
ardour said:
Batman55 said:
Your quest to make yourself more impressive, more accomplished, and more attractive--so that you can find a girl--is mostly a quest of inauthenticity. You are chasing an ideal that doesn't fit your personality.

I actually think you would be more attractive to women if you stopped striving to be something you're not. Which doesn't mean losing all the progress you've gained--getting in shape is good for health and for your appearance--it means to reconnect with your old friends and be yourself again.

Then the obvious question is 'what if no woman likes the "authentic" me?'

true. And it happens. Some poor souls will go their whole life without one single date or a chance to find love.

I am not sure if I am in that category.
 
ardour said:
Then the obvious question is 'what if no woman likes the "authentic" me?'

No worries then! I've found an exception: it seems that classically attractive young women that always wear sunglasses and have their pink iPhone wrapped around their arm while they jog tend to like regular, authentic men the most. True dat yo...

I've certainly had to deflect their attention many times. They can't enough of my authenticity...

:D
 
Triple Bogey said:
true. And it happens. Some poor souls will go their whole life without one single date or a chance to find love.

I am not sure if I am in that category.

That is very sad. I've known some nice people who were never able to find someone special, and it's heart breaking.

I have also known some truly creepy and manipulative individuals who will stop at nothing to get what they want. From what I have witnessed, they are usually men, though I've seen a couple of women do it too. They operate differently from pick-up artists. They are often very bitter about their loneliness, and they practice self-hate almost as if it's an art. They think the key to achieving their goals is to learn to fake being confident, because they don't want to go through the trouble of learning to like themselves.

They use their anger and bitterness to justify their actions, and it usually reaches a point where they no longer know (or care about) right from wrong. Many of them may have low self-esteem (though it's hard to tell how low, since they're so rarely honest). They often talk about themselves in a negative light (I'm talentless, not very smart, etc...), or they make up stories about themselves, often claiming to be self-diagnosed with a psychiatric or mood disorder (anxiety, depression, even Asperger's Syndrome). They do this just to hook people who may feel sorry for them. Since there are many good people who do suffer from depression and/or low self-esteem, it can be hard to know if it's an honest person, or a creep trying to reel someone in.

Another thing these creepy people do is go after those who are vulnerable. They often try to insert themselves into someone's life as a "friend", but they never actually care about anyone but themselves. While they're putting on the friend act, they will look for any vulnerabilities in a relationship. They worm their way in, claiming to "be there", but they will always have something subtle and mean to say about their "friend's" partner. They get off on trying to break up relationships. They will do whatever they can to try and relate to their victim, all the while attempting to make it clear that they would be a better match for her than her boyfriend is. Fortunately, they're not very intelligent, and they inevitably fail.

One final thing that these people like to do is constantly come up with little schemes that they think will get them a date. If, for instance, they see a man who has a loving girlfriend, the creep will do his best to imitate the man. These guys don't mind that they're pretending to be something they're not, because they usually dislike themselves anyway. And if it means getting what they want, lying is never beneath them. It's really pretty sad. Fortunately, this tactic fails too, but the creepers keep trying. They come up with one scheme after another.

Finally, when the creep fails, he will often go out of his way to mock and make fun of the woman he tried so hard to manipulate. It's actually pretty hilarious. I think they do it to make themselves feel better, because in their feeble little minds, they think they've been rejected. Unfortunately for them, the good feeling doesn't last longer than a day or two, and they return to being rotten, lying little creeps who hate themselves. I feel sorry for guys like this, as funny as I find them to be. They doom themselves to loneliness, because no one wants to be with a creeper.

The point of this long post is that it is indeed better to be authentic and genuine, even if it means facing loneliness. Keeping one's morals and integrity isn't always easy, but if you let go, you might find yourself turning into one of these pathetic individuals.

I knew a guy like that when I was in college, and he tried all of those tactics on my girl. He attempted it with a couple of other women before trying it with my girlfriend, and he failed with them too. I just sat back and watched, because I knew she would never fall for his crap. Last I heard, he still hates himself, and he's still hatching his little schemes. He's 32 years old now, and he hasn't succeeded, not even once. He has never been in a relationship in his life. He's still a virgin, and it bothers him immensely. He doesn't realize why no woman wants him, even though it's so obvious. Lol, I guess I should give him credit for being determined, even if he is kind of an idiot.
 
Locke said:
Triple Bogey said:
true. And it happens. Some poor souls will go their whole life without one single date or a chance to find love.

I am not sure if I am in that category.

That is very sad. I've known some nice people who were never able to find someone special, and it's heart breaking.

I have also known some truly creepy and manipulative individuals who will stop at nothing to get what they want. From what I have witnessed, they are usually men, though I've seen a couple of women do it too. They operate differently from pick-up artists. They are often very bitter about their loneliness, and they practice self-hate almost as if it's an art. They think the key to achieving their goals is to learn to fake being confident, because they don't want to go through the trouble of learning to like themselves.

They use their anger and bitterness to justify their actions, and it usually reaches a point where they no longer know (or care about) right from wrong. Many of them may have low self-esteem (though it's hard to tell how low, since they're so rarely honest). They often talk about themselves in a negative light (I'm talentless, not very smart, etc...), or they make up stories about themselves, often claiming to be self-diagnosed with a psychiatric or mood disorder (anxiety, depression, even Asperger's Syndrome). They do this just to hook people who may feel sorry for them. Since there are many good people who do suffer from depression and/or low self-esteem, it can be hard to know if it's an honest person, or a creep trying to reel someone in.

Another thing these creepy people do is go after those who are vulnerable. They often try to insert themselves into someone's life as a "friend", but they never actually care about anyone but themselves. While they're putting on the friend act, they will look for any vulnerabilities in a relationship. They worm their way in, claiming to "be there", but they will always have something subtle and mean to say about their "friend's" partner. They get off on trying to break up relationships. They will do whatever they can to try and relate to their victim, all the while attempting to make it clear that they would be a better match for her than her boyfriend is. Fortunately, they're not very intelligent, and they inevitably fail.

One final thing that these people like to do is constantly come up with little schemes that they think will get them a date. If, for instance, they see a man who has a loving girlfriend, the creep will do his best to imitate the man. These guys don't mind that they're pretending to be something they're not, because they usually dislike themselves anyway. And if it means getting what they want, lying is never beneath them. It's really pretty sad. Fortunately, this tactic fails too, but the creepers keep trying. They come up with one scheme after another.

Finally, when the creep fails, he will often go out of his way to mock and make fun of the woman he tried so hard to manipulate. It's actually pretty hilarious. I think they do it to make themselves feel better, because in their feeble little minds, they think they've been rejected. Unfortunately for them, the good feeling doesn't last longer than a day or two, and they return to being rotten, lying little creeps who hate themselves. I feel sorry for guys like this, as funny as I find them to be. They doom themselves to loneliness, because no one wants to be with a creeper.

The point of this long post is that it is indeed better to be authentic and genuine, even if it means facing loneliness. Keeping one's morals and integrity isn't always easy, but if you let go, you might find yourself turning into one of these pathetic individuals.

I knew a guy like that when I was in college, and he tried all of those tactics on my girl. He attempted it with a couple of other women before trying it with my girlfriend, and he failed with them too. I just sat back and watched, because I knew she would never fall for his crap. Last I heard, he still hates himself, and he's still hatching his little schemes. He's 32 years old now, and he hasn't succeeded, not even once. He has never been in a relationship in his life. He's still a virgin, and it bothers him immensely. He doesn't realize why no woman wants him, even though it's so obvious. Lol, I guess I should give him credit for being determined, even if he is kind of an idiot.

...see some of myself in that. Although I've never tried on any such "schemes", I've fallen into the trap of using anxiety as a bit of a go-to excuse, and speaking negatively about myself, sometimes to get sympathy. There's also a tendency to be overly cynical about others as a rationalization for why they ended up not wanting to know me. It's very well to say you need to like yourself, but how - particularly when you've sabotaged relationships with those around you.
 
ardour said:
...see some of myself in that. Although I've never tried on any such "schemes", I've fallen into the trap of believing I have anxiety issues as a bit of a go-to excuse, and speaking negatively about myself, sometimes to get sympathy. There's also a tendency to be overly cynical about others as a rationalization for why they didn't want to know me. It's very well to say you need to like yourself, but how to do that - particularly when you've sabotaged relationships with those around you.

I have suffered from low self-esteem as well, and have talked about it quite a bit on ALL. There is nothing wrong with having low self-esteem, or wanting to talk about it. It's part of the healing process (or was for me). What is wrong is talking about it for the express purpose of making someone pity you enough into talking to you. Besides the moral reasons, it's wrong for the individual who does it. The person they lie to will figure it out eventually and it will destroy trust. Trust is one of the things that healthy relationships are built on. If you start a friendship by lying, you're probably dooming it to fail.

As for liking yourself, I can only tell you what worked for me: I was honest with myself. No more excuses, no more "I'll do it tomorrow". If I was afraid of something, I put the excuses away, sat down, and examined why. I thought about the consequences of what doing "something" were, and why I was afraid. You have to understand that I couldn't leave my house more than once a month a year ago because I was so anxious and afraid. I hated myself, so this was a difficult thing.

After that, I was honest with the few people who care about me. The people who know you best and care about you most will want you to be honest, but it's difficult: There's always that fear that you'll lose them.

As for the creeps who do things like try to break up relationships and invent personas: If they wanted to change and learn to like themselves, my advice would be to come clean about everything that they do and have done. All of the self destructive behavior, the manipulation....everything. It's possible - maybe even likely - that all of their friends would abandon them after the honesty, but whoever sticks around is a person who actually cares. It's one of those deals where you find out who your real friends are, and it's never easy.

Again, this is just my experience and opinion. I've read that lying can be as addictive as a drug, and if I remember correctly, making amends to yourself and others is one of the steps in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I don't always agree with you ardour, but the post was not aimed at you. I doubt you would continually and constantly practice the behavior I described. I can't see you lying to try and break up a relationship.
 
Sometimes someone really is stuck in a bad way, and a total change is the only thing that will get them where they want to go. Sometimes you need to drop a group of friends whose interests aren't aligned with yours anymore.
 
Locke said:
I have suffered from low self-esteem as well, and have talked about it quite a bit on ALL. There is nothing wrong with having low self-esteem, or wanting to talk about it. It's part of the healing process (or was for me). What is wrong is talking about it for the express purpose of making someone pity you enough into talking to you. Besides the moral reasons, it's wrong for the individual who does it.

I've done that before; tried to get sympathy from someone who otherwise didn't have much time for me, attempted to trick others into giving me another chance by talking about my problems. It's pathetic and it doesn't work, they just lose whatever remaining respect they might have had for you. Pity is no substitute for genuine fondness and the later rarely follows the former.
 
Locke, sure you're not writing about me there? (There happen to be some peculiar coincidental bits of knowledge that reflect myself in your post.)

I've not done any of the things you are talking about, but the mindset is familiar.. I do have trouble with accepting myself and do think about schemes of "self-improvement" or learning to fake confidence. That said I have seen this same ideation from others around here, and I think you use extremely strong language by calling this "creepy" behavior and/or pathetic, or what have you.

It just makes me feel worse about myself, in the end, to read the vitriol you use to describe people who have trouble accepting themselves.

I should add that I don't condone lying to break up a relationship or being extremely fake, these are not things I've done or would do, but it appears as if you lump the other behaviors in with this.
 
Batman55 said:
Locke, sure you're not writing about me there? (There happen to be some peculiar coincidental bits of knowledge that reflect myself in your post.)

I've not done any of the things you are talking about, but the mindset is familiar.. I do have trouble with accepting myself and do think about schemes of "self-improvement" or learning to fake confidence. That said I have seen this same ideation from others around here, and I think you use extremely strong language by calling this "creepy" behavior and/or pathetic, or what have you.

It just makes me feel worse about myself, in the end, to read the vitriol you use to describe people who have trouble accepting themselves.

I should add that I don't condone lying to break up a relationship or being extremely fake, these are not things I've done or would do, but it appears as if you lump the other behaviors in with this.

Some low-life little scum tried to break up my relationship (and I know for a fact mine wasn't the only relationship he tried to destroy), lies habitually to seek attention, copies people in the vain hope that women will sleep with him, and mocked my girlfriend after it finally became clear to him that his mind games wouldn't work on her. That last part especially pissed me off, because all she wanted to do was help him. He wasn't interested in her help, he only wanted to get in her pants. That's all he's interested in: Having sex. He doesn't care about women or relationships.

So you don't think I should find this behavior creepy?! Why again? Because "he can't accept himself"? I know very well how painful it is to not be able to accept who you are. It is NOT an excuse for the terrible things he's done. There is no excuse. The creep is selfish and arrogant because he chooses to be, not because "he can't accept himself".

I don't know what to tell you, Batman. If you see similarities between the creep I was talking about and yourself, all I can do is suggest that you take a long, hard look in the mirror. The creep wronged me, my girlfriend and others. If you have done similar things and feel bad when they're pointed out, it's really your fault and your problem.

As for my original post: It is a warning about what kind of person you can turn into if you allow bitterness and anger to destroy you, nothing more. It's completely possible to be lonely, have low self-esteem and/or any number of other issues and still hold on to integrity and morals. Many people do it. The creepy little weasel I talked about did not.

I pity him, but he digs his own grave.


I should add that one of the last things the creep did was accuse me of being a fake. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate racism, sexism and every kind of prejudice. The creep told my girlfriend that I was "faking" being like that, and went on to say that he was planning on copying me so that he could get more attention from women. It doesn't matter that he didn't share my views. As I said, lying is never beneath guys like that.

So yes, since the creep exhibited all of those behaviors and more, I lumped them in together while talking about him.
 
Locke said:
I don't know what to tell you, Batman. If you see similarities between the creep I was talking about and yourself, all I can do is suggest that you take a long, hard look in the mirror. The creep wronged me, my girlfriend and others. If you have done similar things and feel bad when they're pointed out, it's really your fault and your problem.

Except that wasn't me. I haven't copied people, haven't tried to break up your relationship, haven't lied habitually to seek attention, haven't mocked your girlfriend, haven't tried to get in your girlfriend's pants. I have not done these terrible things, so if indeed this person is around on this forum, please take it up with them, and leave me out of it. I am not this "creep" you are thinking of.

What I *have* done: I have thought of learning to emulate positive behaviors, at the same time as knowing it would probably be fake. This is a struggle many people here, not just myself, have. I have been self-interested and have had problems with empathy.

It seems as if you are lumping in some things I've said with some things other people have said. I know you were wronged by 1-2 other people here and I feel bad for that. But I am not one of them.


Locke said:
I should add that one of the last things the creep did was accuse me of being a fake. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate racism, sexism and every kind of prejudice. The creep told my girlfriend that I was "faking" being like that, and went on to say that he was planning on copying me so that he could get more attention from women. It doesn't matter that he didn't share my views. As I said, lying is never beneath guys like that.

So yes, since the creep exhibited all of those behaviors and more, I lumped them in together while talking about him.

I did no such thing.

If someone I trusted in full confidence sent you my PMs (and I do trust people), or told you what I said, it's possible you would take it that way. But that's not what I think, nor what I said.


Or maybe you just can't take a goddamned joke. Ask around. I like to have fun and joke. Some don't take it as well.

I really don't give a f**k what you say.
 
Batman55 said:
Except that wasn't me.

And where exactly did I say my post was about you? If you're taking this personally, there is very likely a reason. But again, that is your problem, not mine. Anyone who exhibits the kind of manipulative, twisted behavior that the creep did is in need of dire professional help. And my post was a warning for people to hold on to their morals and integrity, so they do not end up like he did.

I can't imagine why you would take a simple warning so personally. Feel free to heed the warning, I'd hate to see you end up like the creepy, selfish little goon I was talking about.

At the time, I talked to a few of the creep's victims, and I can assure you that the behavior I described is completely accurate. Several people wouldn't say the exact same thing about the little weasel unless there was a very good reason. I can only hope that wherever he is, he's seeking help for his many problems
 
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