Dwelling on life

A few weeks ago I accidentally came across someone I used to know on Twitter - well, we used to date, though it was a while back.

I had been in college for a year when we met and started dating, I was pretty obsessed with her, though you could be forgiven being 17 an all. Anyway, I was pretty taken aback to see she now had an art studio and a business creating cartoons and images for bands and shows on TV, she has a fiancé and a pet dog. She had always been pretty good at drawing and I knew she started studying art at University, but she ended up being one of those people who slowly fade out your life as you both grow up and do your own thing so I've not known anything about her for a long time, until I saw this.

It kinda made me reflect back to my life and how things turned out, and although things are starting to look up for me lately I can't help the feeling that I've under-achieved so much. At the time I was in college I was studying a lot of various technology and IT courses, I did achieved a lot back then it was all a waste of time since it's not something I followed through with. Truth is I only studied that particular subject because it was the best thing I was good at, but now it's not something I'm that bothered with. It's only now I know what I would have done, and I also think that my decision for not going to University was one of my regrets.

I should just clarify that I'm not mega old and I still may have prospects, but I can't help feeling that I should have done better by now, and I know that the choices you make define your path through life and ultimately who you are, still I find myself dwelling on this.

This is probably related to the thread
Have you ever sat and thought, "wow....how did I get to this point in my life?" but I'm wondering if anyone has a similar experience.

Boy, do I know that feeling and it bothers me every single day. But, where you stated how the choices we make define out path, well how about the choices we try to make and for some reason things just don't turn for the better?

Back in 2001, I was in pre-vet in a junior college program knocking out some courses before wanting to transfer to a major university. I had two major goals in my life...I wanted to go to vet school and I wanted to go to Guelph, which is in Ontario, Canada. I'll never forget this one day, March 15, 2001. I had a Thursday night Statistics course and before I headed out to class, I was flipping through channels and came across the Oprah Winfrey show. She had a guy on there that said he's accomplished almost all of his dreams thanks to just writing them down on paper and always looking over that paper. Slowly, things started to fall into place for him...even one where he met his idol, Michael Jordan. He accomplished practically every goal on this list...it wasn't silly stuff either one was to get a pilot's license, to start his own business and succeed. Unless he was lying, it all worked for him.

So, before class, for the hell of it, I wrote down everything I wanted to accomplish with going to Guelph and getting into vet school. I couldn't go the international student route, so I had a plan to get a job, get residency and then work toward school...if I could just get up there I knew it would fall into place, as I already had a ton of experience working for a rehab animal clinic for many years...experience is one thing they look for when looking at applicants.

Also, it was during that time (this lasted over four years, where I worked toward that ******* goal for quite some time and never put so much effort and money into trying to accomplish this goal) that I heard about this book by Scott Adams, creator of the Dilbert comic strip. In this book, he mentions affirmations. About how, every day, you write down a goal several times a day. By letting it out into the universe coincidences will build up and have a way of working out. He fully believed in them. So what the hell, I'll try it.

So, I was doing that, reading my list of goals and I had the utmost confidence that maybe, for once, my life was going to go the way I wanted it. I even moved up there for a few months to look for a job to prove my intentions for working there weren't just some passing fancy and to show I'm not some idiot sending applications from Florida. Had quite a few job offers but couldn't obtain the work visa I needed...thank you Canadian Human Resources...go fresia yourselves.

The part that really hurt, this one place where I interviewed tried to hire me. They told me they were turned down. Then, the following week, I see a new ad, on Workopolis, looking for someone to hire, in the position I basically had locked up...just couldn't get the work visa. But yet, the province constantly cried "we need skilled workers" in newspaper articles all around Ontario.

Long story short, nothing worked out. Never in my ******* life have I worked so hard and believed in something that I wanted. To see it just crumble in my face has pissed me off to this day. I"m still bitter about it and I know I'll take it to my grave. In my case, time hasn't healed any of the wounds. I've pushed almost all of my friends away, due to my bitterness. It is healthy to be this way...fresia no. Do I care...fresia no.

I hear these stories where people never gave up and kept pushing and things worked out for them. I still don't get why it didn't happen for me. I wasn't asking to win the lottery. I didn't want to be an actor. I didn't want to become a millionaire with my own business...I just wanted something that was fairly simple to obtain.

Also, looking back, I've yet to see how "things happen for a reason." I've examined everything and in no instance have I thought, "yeah, because of this situation I should be here." Not one ******* time.

Yes, I may come across as an idiot for having such a stupid dream and a big wuss for putting on this thread. But, it was the only thing I believed in and when it didn't work out it mystified me. I'll never be the same person I was when I was pursuing that dream. A part of me died and I'll never get it back. Some of you can roll your eyes but at least I tried to do something to make me happy. Why it failed I'll never know, as I'm not a happy person, I hate where I live, I don't particularly like my career, but at my age I can't switch gears and start something new again. I don't hate myself, I just hate my life and the way it didn't work out even though I busted my ass to accomplish my dream.

I struggle with the same issues. I can't even get myself to go on Facebook or LinkedIn or Twitter because I get so upset that the world is passing me by. It's a terrible idea to compare yourself to others, but it's also inevitable to do just that to an extent.

9006 said:

A few weeks ago I accidentally came across someone I used to know on Twitter - well, we used to date, though it was a while back.

I had been in college for a year when we met and started dating, I was pretty obsessed with her, though you could be forgiven being 17 an all. Anyway, I was pretty taken aback to see she now had an art studio and a business creating cartoons and images for bands and shows on TV, she has a fiancé and a pet dog. She had always been pretty good at drawing and I knew she started studying art at University, but she ended up being one of those people who slowly fade out your life as you both grow up and do your own thing so I've not known anything about her for a long time, until I saw this.

It kinda made me reflect back to my life and how things turned out, and although things are starting to look up for me lately I can't help the feeling that I've under-achieved so much. At the time I was in college I was studying a lot of various technology and IT courses, I did achieved a lot back then it was all a waste of time since it's not something I followed through with. Truth is I only studied that particular subject because it was the best thing I was good at, but now it's not something I'm that bothered with. It's only now I know what I would have done, and I also think that my decision for not going to University was one of my regrets.

I should just clarify that I'm not mega old and I still may have prospects, but I can't help feeling that I should have done better by now, and I know that the choices you make define your path through life and ultimately who you are, still I find myself dwelling on this.

This is probably related to the thread
Have you ever sat and thought, "wow....how did I get to this point in my life?" but I'm wondering if anyone has a similar experience.

Click to expand...

that reminds me when I first logged on to friends re united website. It was before the days of twitter and facebook. I clicked on my old school and there was all the people who I went to school with. Reading all the information, everybody was either married, engaged or with somebody. They all had great jobs, houses, money, super lives. It felt crap reading it all and thinking about my pathetic life. At that time I had just got my first full time job at 29. No girlfriend of course.