Finally Completely Alone

So a couple months back I moved away from my home state. Far far away, I think the overall trip was like 1300 miles away, working from home I can do that. Now I am in a new city, with no social connections what so ever. I am completely alone, and for once I am not thinking about dying or how much I suck so much. Yeah I have put on a lot of weight over the past couple of months, I am really heavy now, but that is besides the point. Here I do not have to worry about anything. I can do what I want. I have even worked out my workout schedule so that I am going to the gym on the weekdays so I can shut myself in my apartment on the weekends. It is so very nice and quiet.

I actually did that a few weeks back, I shut myself in my apartment until my food ran out. I got 4 days, you know about 100 hours without leaving my apartment. For the first time in my life, I feel like I can just rot away here. I can just be alone and do this all the time. Maybe I will have to get another cat when mine dies, but you know... it is weird. No one bothers me, and the closest to bothering me they can get is to call me.

Sure there are things that are agitating about my situation. I mistakenly choose an apartment that overlooks the pool. So every weekend, now that it is summer, there are a bunch of ass holes who throw some kind of party down there and it gets really loud, because the windows are single paned. So it is not quiet, but as long as I make sure the volume on my video games or anime is loud enough am not that annoyed. I also do not have a laundry machine in my apartment, but I can live without that.

Even better I can feel the facade fading away from my soul. That facade that gave out vague answers to questions the family would ask about my personal life. Though I am dreading going to my sister's wedding in the future... nothing more annoying than being around a bunch of people who are going to pretend that we were once good friends. Plus now I do not have to maintain social connections because guess what I live in another state. If I do not talk to my family or the two friends I ahve for an extended period of time we are just far apart. It is not that I don't really give a crap about people. After all, as the biggest loser in the family/social circle. It falls to me to take care of maintaining the circle.

It is so nice to finally be isolated from the rest of the world with no one to bother me. A few more years of this and I might actually want to not die.

I have not understood properly what you are trying to say, nor did I understood in what position mentally are you right now. I´m just posting to tell you that I read this, and I hope for you to feel well, whether its being a hiki or not.
I hope you find someone kind enough in here to really understand you etc..

Mr.YellowCat said:

I have not understood properly what you are trying to say, nor did I understood in what position mentally are you right now. I´m just posting to tell you that I read this, and I hope for you to feel well, whether its being a hiki or not.
I hope you find someone kind enough in here to really understand you etc..

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I won't find anyone kind enough in here, all the big shots hate me.

Nothing wrong with enjoying isolation. Except for taking out the trash I like to stay indoors the whole weekend as well. Keeping the windows closed and the noise outside. Everyone has his reasons.

Though I gotta ask: Why worry about the big shots? There are plenty of regulars around here. Everyone is entitled to his opinions - the question is whether you bring them across in an offensive or a mannerly way.

Hey there, I'm glad you found what you feel suits your lifestyle best. As long as it makes you feel better and not want to harm yourself, that's good. Plus you're working out, that should also help you feel better with time.

Keep going and good luck!

Rodent said:

Nothing wrong with enjoying isolation. Except for taking out the trash I like to stay indoors the whole weekend as well. Keeping the windows closed and the noise outside. Everyone has his reasons.

Though I gotta ask: Why worry about the big shots? There are plenty of regulars around here. Everyone is entitled to his opinions - the question is whether you bring them across in an offensive or a mannerly way.

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Because all the Big Shots threaten me with bans... I have been given short bans for speaking my mind. I am sure you can find my old threads if not I will try and find the gems that everyone hates.

AFrozenSoul said:

Because all the Big Shots threaten me with bans... I have been given short bans for speaking my mind. I am sure you can find my old threads if not I will try and find the gems that everyone hates.

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And they have reasons for doing so. I read up some pieces of the past. Some thoughts you shared with the public were very much offensive. Whether you think they were offensive or not is of no relevance though. It's just how they were perceived. Necessarily this comes with consequences.

You have/had your reasons - reasonable or not - for acting the way you did. I don't know you nor do I know your full history beyond the scraps you shared here. So I won't dwell on it. The past is the past.

You seem to have come to terms with your life to some degree - that's what I got from reading your story at least. That's a good thing. There's always a handful of things in life that will make you shake your head in confusion or anger. Things you have very little influence on. But life ain't peachy. Never has been. But one learns to do deal with it and focus on some of the more pleasant things.

Yeah, there's not much to add here. Keep a level head though.

Thanks, my head is always level.