expat in England

Contacted by someone from the forums I'm back again. The last year hasn't been bad. I have no good reasons to complain, but I still have felt somehow lonely and depressed missing old friends. I have a lovely wife, old good but now rather remote friends, some people I can have a small or deeper talk, a job I love and I finally started my nursing training.

Studying nursing doesn't really help. I meet my peers mainly during lectures, and although working often in smaller groups, we are kept apart again during often and long hospital placements. As I commute from quite far and have to work to keep up with bills I don't really see others often and miss the big part of student social life. Would I make use of it is another question, because being in one's thirties changes a lot. Anyway, I sometimes regret I didn't decide to study at my local university.

Also, being a foreigner (Eastern European expat or immigrant) doesn't help either. I don't want to, but in a subtle way I'm often made to feel different, sometimes unwanted. The recent lurking hostility towards immigrants in England and tensions between different groups, although understandable, really hurt. People assume that others come here for obvious economic reasons only, like to take rather than give, and this hurts even more. Things are rarely that easy. I'm fortunate enough and I have never experienced open xenophobia or rasism though. People I meet are extremely polite, nice and hospitable. For many reasons, I can't really imagine better place to live, but while reading newspapers or picking fragments of talks or looks, I do feel like a real alien; a constant reminder that I don't belong here. These are the small things after all but they make me feel even lonlier. I'd felt lonely often before though.

It's a sort of a rant, but I hope I don't sound too bitter. I guess I just need someone to listen and understand; a friend really. Sometimes, it's so so hard to find a place in the world without someone who knows you. But well, had my minute and it's time to get on with this strange life

Hey! It's so good to see you back here again.

I think that as long as you're in a place where you don't come from, it will always feel like that and there will always be moments where people kind of exclude you just because you're not from there. People.. are just meh. :S

Anyway, I hope all is well with you!

Hiya - yes I sympathise: my family moved to New Zealand from the UK back in the 80s & even though both are Anglo-related countries, the cultural differences were somehow too great to allow complete assimilation. In the end they came back after 6 years to UK!

It must be really difficult living in this country as an Eastern European; I'm not exactly terribly proud of many elements of British society these days. They (we) seem to have become very hard, narrow-minded, selfish & self-obsessed in recent years - everybody craves stardom & celebrity. I'm glad not all of your experiences have been prejudiced - I hate to say it but there does seem to be an increasingly endemic undercurrent of racism in parts of this country. It`s exemplified by UKIP who other political parties (not that I, obviously, want to get into politics!) dare not criticise anymore for being racist - every time they do UKIP`s pole ratings go up!!

I`ll see your rant & raise one!

It`s no consolation but some of us Brits (me at least) feel alienated from our own culture as well these days. Not that, frankly, there is much culture left in Britain, that is: unless you count drinking to excess, obsessive greed & rudeness plus bad-behavior.

Trying to be a little less negative (!): without wanting to have a `ghetto` mindset, are there any people or groups/charities from an Eastern European background where you could try & socialise or get involved. I know this won't help you feel anymore integrated but it would poss get you out & about & maybe feel a bit less isolated? Anyway, you might be better off not being too well integrated in my opinion!

Feel free to PM me if you wish.

Pyrfancier, ladyforsaken, thanks for the replies.

I'm not really happy with my original post, but I leave it as it is. I didn't really mean to go much into politics or to talk about attitudes towards immigrants. It's something extremely complex and I feel there is still so much for me to learn. It doesn't mean I'm unhappy here. Unfortunately, it's a factor that affects me and my self-esteem in a unreasonably bad way.

Pyrfancier, the question about what is British culture is a tricky one, but in my opinion, certainly, there are more positive than negative things to be said about it, and nothing to be ashamed of. Ukip-like things happen everywhere. I agree that I may be better off not being too well integrated though, because being British can mean too many different, often contradicting, ideals and values at the same time to embrace by one person. But by trying you learn more, also about yourself.

I stay in touch with few people from Eastern Europe, but while a lot of people find it helpful, we are not monolythic group, even within my own country. My (old) close friends are German gay, a person of Jewish background and another who is transsexual. A funny bunch of people, but I share a way more with them than with many more others I've ever met. I never felt strongly affiliated with any ethnic or national identity. It's all about shared values and being a sort of like-minded.

I don't have any problem with immigrants from Eastern Europe - although people often think I do simply because I'm a big guy with a skinhead. I've met some lovely Polish folk and some nice Lithuanians. I've also met some complete losers. I've met some lovely British folk and some complete losers. There's good and bad people from everywhere.

Hi silver birch leaves, after reading your post I was like "OMG" I know how you feel. I have been living in the UK for more than 3 years now, and although I was really open from day one, trying to integrate and to fit in, I didn't really get any chance apart from work, where I didn't like the general masses unfortunately (being gay and having a bit of social anxiety didn't really help on the cause either...) So I often found myself talking to my own "kind" at work and even though I had no intention to limit myself to be only around them I couldn't relate to anyone else either because they didn't speak English at all, we didin't have any common interests, or simply they didn't show any interest in getting to know me...

BUT my life took a 180 turn degree during the past few months. After feeling that alonelylife and other sites not gonna help me getting real life friends (due to the fact that there is a small chance you will find any people locally here, and even if you do, the chances you have something in common or to be potential friend materials to each other is dramatically less, many people doesn't even want to meet and/or talk...) I am not saying it is impossible, but for me it was hitting rock bottom again, after being around here and on other places for weeks.

Never thought I am gonna get anything out of being gay, but I might was wrong. After failing to find anything on meetup.com (gay or not), I looked up local social clubs for gays, again... I have been thinking about going for years, checking out their websites many times, but never managed to man up and actually go to one, until recently.

During the first few times I was really nervous and anxious, but even then, after I went home I felt good about going. Since then I have been to clubbing (never went before), joined a gay sport team, I go to the meetings and started to build friendships. I have met so many interesting people and never felt judged in any way at these places! I got a brochure with over 50 activities in the area dedicated to lgbt persons or places who are welcome lgtb persons to join!

I feel so much better, and I think this is just the start. I actually look forward to have more fun in the future! So if you are in or around any bigger cities, it is might worth a look if there is any social meet-ups, helping groups for (gay) people. I assume you are gay based on your post, sorry if I got that wrong, but even straight people have some groups I'd like to believe. Though I just realized that minorities seem to have a really big support net behind them, I just didn't really know about them and/or didn't want to believe it can actually help, but it does!

edit: I obviously missed the wife bit, sorry. But what I said still stands. What even stranger to me, you saying out of 3 old best friends one is gay and one is transsexual? That is quite rare as I find straight guys usually don't mingle well with gay ones, but maybe this is just another sign you should join gay (friendly) places, so might get lucky based on your previous experiences with this "crowd".