Friendship, sex and awkwardness

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Mishka Starikov

Mishka Starikov

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Joined
Jun 25, 2014
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Hello my friends. There is something I'd like to tell you and I'm pleased to hear if you have something to comment.

Well, I have this female friend. We've been friends like for five years now and we have become really close to each other - Nothing sexual or emotional, just being really good friends.
During these five years she has been in various relationships so I really haven't considered that there could possibly be anything serious or sexual between us.

Now the situation is that she has broke out with her boyfriend (got caught of cheating) and now she has started approaching me. She has told me straight out that I can have her and we can have sex and everything.

The problem is that I feel awkward about the situation. The girl is attractive and I know her personally pretty good but still there is something that prevents me just go for her.

I feel that this would be a golden opportunity for me to have sex for a really long time but at the same time I feel that to me, sex is kind of a personal thing. In addition I've never really thought that there would be a day a really good long-term friend of mine would be asking me to have sex with her just like that.

Would it be normal that I'd just decline having sex with her and ask her to be just friends like before? I just feel that nowadays one major goal for many people in my age (21) is to get laid. To have sex. Why is it so a big deal? Am I a black sheep because I'm not willing to have sex with strangers? Not to mention with a long-term friend?

The feelings in my head are really ambivalent. I'm a really antisocial person and bad with women. That's why I'm thinking whether I'm mad because I'm letting an opportunity to have sex slip away from my hands.
 
Yeah I suggest going for it. Right now you're feeling idealistic attitudes towards sex and relationships, but people change as they get older and you may look back at it one day wishing you hadn't turned down said sex if you ever reach a point in your life when it isn't as accessable as you'd like.

Anyway your reservations will be gone quite quickly once you give it a go. Have fun!
 
It kinda sounds like to me you are getting set up to be her "rebound guy".

If she is a good friend, although she may be a little upset, I would explain to her that sex is a personal thing to you and you want to do that with someone you are in a relationship with.
 
If you have any doubts, it's not a good idea to have sex with her because you would both be using each other, and it could ruin all that you've built in five years of your non-romantic friendship. She's just hurting and she's seeking comfort. You can comfort her by being there for her, but just not in that way she proposes.
 
A five year friendship is a lot to risk losing just for a sexual oppportunity. If you had both sexual and romantic feelings for each other it might be worth exploring but a friends with benefits situation will decrease the value of your friendship and eventually destroy it. You are feeling reluctant for a reason. Don't do it.
 
Friends with benefits is something of a delusion. If it happens, it probably means you weren't really friends in the first place.
 
I'm going to sit on the fence with this one and point out some possible scenarios I can think that will come from this.

1. Your friendship eventually drifts apart anyway (she could get another boyfriend and get lost in him, move away, get married, whatever) or as time goes on she feels rejected by you or uncomfortable that she made this proposition to you and you declined, now she feels like a whore about it.

2. Your friendship continues as normal and when she is out of this *possible* rebound phase she's in now, she respects you even more for not going with it.

3. You have lots of sex, use each other, stay friends for many years. (Is it really so bad to "use" each other if it's a mutual agreement?)

4. Your friendship eventually drifts apart similar to #1 but this time there are no hard feelings about it, only what limlim said, which is you wishing you'd taken her up on the offer and let yourself enjoy your life for once, and who knows what may come of it if you do? Perhaps you'll become a couple?

Honestly it does sound like she's just extra lonely and horny because of her recent breakup, I know that feeling ;)

I too value friendship a lot more than sex and really have never thought about sex with my friends - it's almost a bit gross like a family member or something xD
In saying this though, I do sometimes give myself a mental kick and wonder why I turned down opportunities in the past. Once any talk of sex has entered a relationship, I think it's already on some kind of course, like one of the outcomes above. Sex is indeed a personal thing, but really, a friendship doesn't have to crumble just because you messed each other. There's no maths or logical science behind this. If you are both mature, rational people then it's entirely possible.
 
painter said:
I'm going to sit on the fence with this one and point out some possible scenarios I can think that will come from this.

1. Your friendship eventually drifts apart anyway (she could get another boyfriend and get lost in him, move away, get married, whatever) or as time goes on she feels rejected by you or uncomfortable that she made this proposition to you and you declined, now she feels like a whore about it.

2. Your friendship continues as normal and when she is out of this *possible* rebound phase she's in now, she respects you even more for not going with it.

3. You have lots of sex, use each other, stay friends for many years. (Is it really so bad to "use" each other if it's a mutual agreement?)

4. Your friendship eventually drifts apart similar to #1 but this time there are no hard feelings about it, only what limlim said, which is you wishing you'd taken her up on the offer and let yourself enjoy your life for once, and who knows what may come of it if you do? Perhaps you'll become a couple?

Honestly it does sound like she's just extra lonely and horny because of her recent breakup, I know that feeling ;)

I too value friendship a lot more than sex and really have never thought about sex with my friends - it's almost a bit gross like a family member or something xD
In saying this though, I do sometimes give myself a mental kick and wonder why I turned down opportunities in the past. Once any talk of sex has entered a relationship, I think it's already on some kind of course, like one of the outcomes above. Sex is indeed a personal thing, but really, a friendship doesn't have to crumble just because you messed each other. There's no maths or logical science behind this. If you are both mature, rational people then it's entirely possible.
Click to expand...

Friendships do crumble when sex is involved because women are crazy emotional creatures (and it's not their fault, blame oxytocin) who get emotionally attached whether they want to or not. Ok, not all women are the same but with FWB someone is bound to get emotionally attached and hurt. The risk is very high. A five year friendship is way too valuable to risk losing. You know what? Talk about it, weigh the pros and cons. If you're both willing to risk losing your friendship, go ahead and fresia! To the OP I would turn this offer down if you're having concerns about it. If it wasn't a problem you wouldn't even be posting about it.
 
Friends with benefits is a bit of a complicated arrangement, and not for people who have any doubts about their ability to keep their feelings and their bedroom activities separate (and it's not always the women...). There are plenty of stories of people entering into it thinking they'd just have sex for awhile and then go back to normal, only for one of them to have unrequited feelings.

Otherwise, sex is sex. If you want it, have it.
 
Was she caught cheating, or her ex? Perhaps it doesn't matter...

Throwing away a half decade friendship for sex is stupid. You're friend is emotionally out of kilter at the moment. Worst case scenario she ends up resenting you for "taking advantage", says as much to other friends. And to be honest "taking advantage" does spring to mind in these circumstances, even though she is being very forward about the whole thing and you could rationally claim you were just meeting each other's needs as consenting adults.... can't see it ending well.
 
Alonewith2cats said:
women are crazy emotional creatures (and it's not their fault, blame oxytocin) who get emotionally attached whether they want to or not.
Click to expand...

I really dislike this comment, not just for the fact that if it were a guy saying it they'd be hung drawn and quartered, but also it feels somewhat patronising, as if I couldn't possibly understand what it feels like to be emotional because of my gender, or if it couldn't possibly end up Mishka being the one becoming emotionally attached.
I may be over-thinking your post, I know I get quite defensive about this issue sometimes but I hate this segregation.

I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea because I am a man, I am more looking at it from a slightly (cringe) nihilistic point of view, that this sacred friendship will possibly crumble over time anyway. Not that I'm thinking "What's the point in holding anything dear to your heart, may as well sleep with whoever you please as we're all going to die and become nothing at the end of it all" (enter some silly quotes from the nihilists in The Big Lebowski here) but... I don't know. Of course, dude should do what he feels right by. But on the other hand, if it wasn't at all an option he wouldn't be posting about it.

I am probably leaning more towards "No, don't do it", and I think this is the conclusion he will come to. Just, what doesn't work for some, may work for others.
 
painter said:
I really dislike this comment, not just for the fact that if it were a guy saying it they'd be hung drawn and quartered, but also it feels somewhat patronising, as if I couldn't possibly understand what it feels like to be emotional because of my gender, or if it couldn't possibly end up Mishka being the one becoming emotionally attached.
Click to expand...

Agree... but the reality is that *he* will be accused of using *her*, not the other way round - she will be considered vulnerable, looking for affection in the wrong places etc. Egalitarian ideals aside, it's best for him to avoid this situation.
 
painter said:
3. You have lots of sex, use each other, stay friends for many years. (Is it really so bad to "use" each other if it's a mutual agreement?)
Click to expand...

Painter's Radio, you had a good post there. I only wanted to comment on Possibility #3:

It's not bad if it's mutual, but the OP seems to have doubts, and that's why I recommended "No" on the sex. If he said he had been pining away in silence for five long years about this girl and he finally had his moment where she consented, I'd tell him to go for it. But since he has doubts, I don't see how sex with this girl could possibly a positive step in their friendship.
 
painter said:
Alonewith2cats said:
women are crazy emotional creatures (and it's not their fault, blame oxytocin) who get emotionally attached whether they want to or not.
Click to expand...

I really dislike this comment, not just for the fact that if it were a guy saying it they'd be hung drawn and quartered, but also it feels somewhat patronising, as if I couldn't possibly understand what it feels like to be emotional because of my gender, or if it couldn't possibly end up Mishka being the one becoming emotionally attached.
I may be over-thinking your post, I know I get quite defensive about this issue sometimes but I hate this segregation.

I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea because I am a man, I am more looking at it from a slightly (cringe) nihilistic point of view, that this sacred friendship will possibly crumble over time anyway. Not that I'm thinking "What's the point in holding anything dear to your heart, may as well sleep with whoever you please as we're all going to die and become nothing at the end of it all" (enter some silly quotes from the nihilists in The Big Lebowski here) but... I don't know. Of course, dude should do what he feels right by. But on the other hand, if it wasn't at all an option he wouldn't be posting about it.

I am probably leaning more towards "No, don't do it", and I think this is the conclusion he will come to. Just, what doesn't work for some, may work for others.
Click to expand...

I also said not all women are like this. There are always exceptions. But in general women produce oxytocin in much higher levels during sex than men and are therefore more prone to emotional attachment than men. It's the same bonding hormone that causes a woman to bond with her baby and it can be pretty dangerous to mess around with this if there is a valuable friendship involved that has probably a higher than 50% chance of being ruined from sex. This isn't sexism. It's a scientific fact. And in her case she just got out of a relationship, she's vulnerable, it's a bad idea.
 
I think that you are awesome, not wanting to risk the friendship because you don't want to have "just" sex, and this in the long run will bring you a lot of sex with some (other) nice lady.
This said, when a friend makes a pass at you, it's a no way out situation, you are damned if you do (have sex) and damned if you don't - do I understand correctly that she didn't say anything like she is in love with you but only that " you can have her"? Maybe this is the turn-off for you? If she doesn't have romantic feelings but it was just a fwb arrangement, then it should be easier to turn her down.

Please don't feel that this is your last possibility to have sex - you look so cute, and you sound like a really nice (in the sense of cool, not "nice") guy, so please don't do things you feel awkward about out of feelings of scarcity - maybe this will give you the extra push to ask out that girl who you really like, if you really want to get more experience because, remember, you are awesome.
 
Thank you everyone for all your comments! I feel amazing that I've got this many posts to my thread and I think I feel now more comfortable than yesterday after reading your replies. :shy:

Definitely, the fear of losing this friendship is my major concern. But I think it's more complicated in this case than 'if friends have sex, it crumbles the friendship'.

The girl is extremely dependent on having a relationship. Seriously. She always stresses that she couldn't live alone. That she always has to have a man next to her. That she can't even sleep alone. She has lots problems with her life, huge debts, she is having problems with money, with her relatives and family, with herself all the time. She is very irresponsible with her life. I've really no interests being her boyfriend because I've no feelings towards her and I don't want all her problems to be part of mine as well. Although she is very kind-hearted person and nice to me.

That's why I fear that if we start a sex relationship then she will eventually fall in love with me and there comes the situation she asks me to be with her. And if I decline the friendship will crumble and then I got nothing left. No friendship nor sex relationship.
 
Oh yeah that sounds like a lot of baggage. I changed my mind. It's not worth dealing with that honeysuckle.
 

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