Making a difficult choice.

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
S

Some_Bloke72

Guest
I know its the right thing to do...I just want to figure out how to go about doing it in the least painful way possible.

**sighs**

I suppose I'll just cut right to the chase: http://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=31897

If you've read that thread then you already know what I know about myself. How for most of my life I've been nothing but a burden to everyone around me. Even now, by posting this I run the risk of bringing you down with me.

But I kinda need your help with something.

You see, although she claims that I'm not a burden on her (and I believe her) its only a matter of time before I become nothing but a burden to my girlfriend as well.

I do love her, more than I've loved anyone. Which is why I don't want her to be dragged down with me. Its only a matter of time before I ruin her life.

So that's why I'm thinking about breaking up with her. But, I don't want to hurt her, that's the same reason why I'm breaking up with her in the first place. She deserves someone far better than me, someone who isn't going to drag her down, become nothing but a burden.

My friends are the same in that case, which is why I'm going to try and separate myself from them. I don't want them to suffer the same fate as my family has for over eighteen years.

That will be less difficult. It will be upsetting for both of us and it will undoutably hurt them but its for their own good. My girlfriend is a different story, well same in that I need to separate myself from her and the best way to do that is a break-up.

But what's the least painful way to break-up with someone? As I've probably said multiple times in this post: I don't want to hurt her, that's why I need to end our relationship as staying around me for long enough will drag her down and hurt her, far more than any break-up could.
 
I don't really have any advice to give as I have no background with relationships. All I have to say is that I would strongly re-consider this.

What if the people who said you are a burden were wrong? What if it just hasn't been proven yet? You'd be throwing your friends and girlfriend away for nothing. And you might not get as good of either again. Don't throw them away. Good ones are very hard to come by. Don't throw away all that you've built over the comments of people in your life who could very well be wrong. Don't let it ruin your life.
 
I don't know you so I have no idea how worse off she will be with or without you. From reading your thread, it sounds to me like you've had your self-esteem ground down by honeysuckle relatives in crucial moments of your maturing life so now you wont even allow yourself to be happy.

Let me tell you though it is **** offensive and annoying to have someone try and break up with you to "do you a favour". It's the responsibility of your girlfriend to end things if she is unhappy with you in the future and can't handle things.

What exactly are you going to do to hurt her? Is it just extreme negativity, an emotional burden? Maybe you are depressed and are thinking it will drain her? Take a look on some depression forums and see how many threads there are "My girl/boyfriend is depressed and is pushing me away". Such a common topic.

But if it's something more than that, if it is 100% something more than your negative thoughts and feelings that you're not good enough, as in you know for a fact you will become physically or emotionally abusive, then... well I don't know her either so I don't know what would be best for her. Some people like to cut all contact for a while, some find it easier to hate each other than to try and support each other.

Until I know exactly why it is you're going to hurt her, I can't really offer this advice, sorry.
 
Some_Bloke72 said:
I do love her, more than I've loved anyone.

Does she love you? If so then you're lucky. Drop her if you want but I'll bet it'll be the worst move you've made yet. If you love her, then don't be a burden. You can make that choice y'know. Find out what she wants, what her dreams are, then give it to her. If you did that you wouldn't be a burden, you'd be a dream come true. Let her be your motivation. Tell your family to go to hell.

If you really are choosing to be a burden, and continue to choose this, then yeah, break up with her. Get rid of all your friends, and dive into the grave of sorrow and isolation that you're digging for yourself and live out the rest of your life in misery. It happens, I did it. I chose it and you're doing the same thing.

However, you could choose to make her dreams come true. If you don't have any dreams right now, or any aspirations, then make her dreams your own. Build a life for the both of you. Start small, dream big. If it doesn't work out you'll already be on your way and you'll know that you're not a burden like your family says. Like you believe.

I doubt you're a burden. Are you physically debilitated, mentally handicapped? If not then you're not a burden. You're probably just lost and don't know where to go with your life. At 18, that just makes you a person. If your family doesn't understand that, then they're the ones with the problem.
 
jjessea said:
Some_Bloke72 said:
I do love her, more than I've loved anyone.

If you love her, then don't be a burden. You can make that choice y'know.

I didn't choose to be born.


painter said:
Until I know exactly why it is you're going to hurt her, I can't really offer this advice, sorry.

I'm going to hurt her the same way I hurt my family. I will drag her down and ruin her life if we're together for long enough.

Let me tell you though it is **** offensive and annoying to have someone try and break up with you to "do you a favour". It's the responsibility of your girlfriend to end things if she is unhappy with you in the future and can't handle things.

I feel that its my responsibility to protect her.
 
Some_Bloke72 said:
jjessea said:
Some_Bloke72 said:
I do love her, more than I've loved anyone.

If you love her, then don't be a burden. You can make that choice y'know.

I didn't choose to be born.

I've not read your other thread, but your last post was very negative.

What the other have said is that it is your choice how you proceed through life, you seem to be owning the negativity , which is your choice, not anyone elses.

If you want to be happy, and make your girlfriend happy and not be a burden, then make that choice and do everything in your power to acheive it.

If there are people putting you down and making you feel bad, make a break from them as much as you can.

YOU choose who you want to be, no-one else.

If you don't want to be a burden then don't.
 
Edward W said:
Some_Bloke72 said:
jjessea said:
Some_Bloke72 said:
I do love her, more than I've loved anyone.

If you love her, then don't be a burden. You can make that choice y'know.

I didn't choose to be born.

I've not read your other thread, but your last post was very negative.

Harsh truth.

If you had read my other thread you'd know that I didn't choose to be a burden on my family. I didn't ask to be a burden, I just became one the moment I was pushed out of my mother over eighteen years ago.
 
Why do you let other people define who or how you are? Isn't that supposed to be define by you, yourself? Stop saying you're a burden to anyone. That's the first step.
 
ladyforsaken said:
Why do you let other people define who or how you are?

Because they speak the truth about me.

Stop saying you're a burden to anyone. That's the first step.

Lying to myself is the first step?


Look. No matter what anyone says, I'm not going to change my mind about what I already know about myself, and what my family knows.

All I want is advice on how to break-up with my girlfriend, and how to do that in the least painful way possible.
 
It's all about perceptions. If you think you're a burden than you will be. If you don't think so and start doing things that aren't so, you aren't. I'm sorry I just can't seem to accept that. ^
It's like you're just condemning yourself because it's the easier thing to do? Or I don't know why? And I know you don't want to hear this - sorry to be commenting things I shouldn't, but as for your question about how to break up with her - well, you say and think and know you're a burden, so tell her that you wanna break things off because of that. It's the truth isn't it.

I don't see how break ups can be any less painful. I mean, seriously?
 
FUN FACT: Prior to this post, the word "burden" has been used or quoted twenty-eight times. (Let's add a few more, shall we?)

Burden schmurden.
Burden-flurgen.
Burden-Candice Bergen...

You've got "burden" on the brain, man. I suggest a burden-ectomy. It's the removal of your burden-gland, only it's cheap to perform because the "burden-gland" is imaginary. All you gotta do is think positively about yourself, and the burden-gland disappears. Once you do that, you'll realize that the people who call you a burden are con-artists and fools, and that you've been a victim of their 18 year long brainwashing scheme. The best part is that burden-ectomies are free. You just have to want one.

Oh yeah. And if you dump your girlfriend, you will have failed her. You will not be saving her or protecting her. She won't see it that way no matter what you say. She will feel abandoned by you, tossed aside by you, and insulted for thinking that you ever loved her. This, all based on a lie that you were told by con-artists that you now believe.

I find it sad that you have been victimized by the greatest lie of all; That you are worthless. Although you are not worthless, you are embracing their lies as truth, and as a result, you are now willing to hurt the one you claim you love?

Not cool, man.
 
Case said:
I find it sad that you have been victimized by the greatest lie of all; That you are worthless. Although you are not worthless, you are embracing their lies as truth,

I am not a victim. The victims in this situation are the people who have to put up with me.

and as a result, you are now willing to hurt the one you claim you love?

Not cool, man.

Well here are my options:

1) Stay with her and thus completely ruin her life, making her miserable in the process
2) Break up with her, giving her a chance at a better life with someone else who won't drag her down.

Oh yeah. And if you dump your girlfriend, you will have failed her. You will not be saving her or protecting her. She won't see it that way no matter what you say. She will feel abandoned by you, tossed aside by you, and insulted for thinking that you ever loved her. This, all based on a lie that you were told by con-artists that you now believe.

It will hurt her at first, but in time she will understand why I did what I did. I will try to make sure that no woman ever falls in love with me again so that I hurt as little people as possible.

And how do you know if my family is lying? Do you know me personally? Do you know the strain I put on them?


ladyforsaken said:
It's all about perceptions. If you think you're a burden than you will be.

Thinking and knowing are two different things. I know that dogs have four legs, I know that there is no air in space. I know that I'm a burden.

If you don't think so and start doing things that aren't so, you aren't. I'm sorry I just can't seem to accept that. ^
It's like you're just condemning yourself because it's the easier thing to do?

I'm condemning myself based around the truth I know.

And I know you don't want to hear this - sorry to be commenting things I shouldn't, but as for your question about how to break up with her - well, you say and think and know you're a burden, so tell her that you wanna break things off because of that. It's the truth isn't it.

I don't see how break ups can be any less painful. I mean, seriously?

Alright. I'm seeing her on Saturday (tomorrow) so I'll tell her then. We go our separate ways after that and I take steps to make sure no woman ever falls in love with me again.
 
Case said:
All I have to say at this point is that I hope you have a great breakup. Cheers.

Bite me.

I don't want to do it. I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her but...What kind of life is that for her?
 
Some_Bloke72 said:
Case said:
All I have to say at this point is that I hope you have a great breakup. Cheers.

Bite me.

I don't want to do it. I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her but...What kind of life is that for her?

How positively unsportsmanlike. :)

You do what you have to do, man. Good luck to you.
 
Some_Bloke72 said:
I don't want to do it. I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her but...What kind of life is that for her?

We then don't, we've tried to be supportive and tell you that you don't have to do this, but it does require you to believe you can change your thinking.

Here's a thought...

Why is your girlfriend with you at all if you are so bad? Do you think so little of her that she must be an idiot or something to go out with you? Or maybe she sees something else in you that for whatever reason you refuse to even consider.

You are making your girlfriend sound very bad for being with you.

Some_Bloke72 said:

At last!

Nice to see there is some fight in you, now use it!

Really it is up to you, otherwise you are letting all those who have put you down win. Bite them. (Maybe not literally though... :) )
 
Some_Bloke72 said:
Bite me.

I don't want to do it. I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her but...What kind of life is that for her?

For me to even answer this.. you're not going to take it. Cos you are so certain and sure that you're a burden. No matter what anyone of us tells you you're just closed off from any of that.

Why are you a burden anyway? For being told you're lazy? We're all told we're lazy once or many many times in our lives but that doesn't mean we're a burden. Why exactly, specifically are you a burden then?

Then I can try to think of an answer to your question above.
 
ladyforsaken said:
Some_Bloke72 said:
Bite me.

I don't want to do it. I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her but...What kind of life is that for her?
Why are you a burden anyway? For being told you're lazy? We're all told we're lazy once or many many times in our lives but that doesn't mean we're a burden. Why exactly, specifically are you a burden then?

Some_Bloke72 said:
Essentially, all most of my biological family (especially my mother) ever talks about is how lazy I am (even know I'm not), how much money is spent on me, how I'm doing nothing with my life (ect) and when I do actually achieve something, its swept under the rug while when I screw up even a small, mild thing it seems to be talked about more than when England won the world cup.

My mother will say things like "I don't mean to be harsh by saying this"

and then she proceeds to be as harsh as possible. Then again, I suppose people say "I'm not racist but..." before saying something really racist.

I can't remember the last time anyone told me they were proud of me, and I can't remember the last time anyone in my biological family (at least the ones I live under the same roof as) told me they loved me. My mother will constantly compare me to my biological "father".

But not as much as my younger sister, who has on multiple occasions confirmed my suspicions. I just didn't realize she was right about me being an absolute burden until now.

In 18 years, I haven't done much with my life. I failed my A-levels and all I do is cost time and money.
They're probably only unhappy with their own lives because I'm a part of it.
 
^ If those were the reasons why you think you're a burden and so dead set about it and so dead set about it not changing, don't you see that you can change those things in your life? You can make up for them? If you can't go through with your A Levels again, why can't you find something else like a specific training or course in what you like to do that will get you somewhere?

You know that whatever you stated are the reasons, doesn't mean your life ends there?

My older sister never even finished her education and it was because she was playful, crazy and outrageous. But she got her life back, she found ways to do it. She managed to get a job at a hotel doing customer service front desk and been doing it for more than 10 years. You can change your life if you really want to.

To me it seems here, you're just comfortable and just content with the easy reasoning and that is you're a burden. Why? You don't want to work for anything? Or achieve something?

By the way, I read your other thread already before and saw those statements but I just don't know why you're so set on them determining you're a burden just for those reasons. So you requoting them doesn't change my view on it. Though it may not even matter here because you don't want to do anything about your situation.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top