InSearchOfPeople
Well-known member
- Joined
- Jul 14, 2014
- Messages
- 90
- Reaction score
- 0
The story of my loneliness goes back to my childhood. Abandoned by the father, hated by aunt, emotionally dismissed by my mother, never knew my grandparents, extremely poor, all I remember is a constant struggle.
This is a short version of my early years.
Later, when I went to school, I was pretty successful. From day one I was a straight A student, met other kids and got my first best friend, who was an A student too.
I remember there were girls in my class, who were from rich families and other kids were intimidate by them. Those girls were popular, rich and spoiled.
Some circumstances made our paths cross and as I was absolutely not intimidated by them (it is the case of when "ignorance is a bliss"), I became a part of their group, they became my best friends, almost like my sisters.
As we were growing up, it was becoming harder to stay equal in the group.
One day everything changed. I became a weak link. After a small incident my friends abandoned me. They didn't talk to me or even looked in my sight for 2 months. I was devastated. Some others from the class used this to repay for the jealousy they had for me for all this time and excluded me at any possible occasion too.
Later, I reconciled with the group, but it was never the same, the trust was broken. 2 years in high school I basically spent alone.
In the final days, I was excluded not only by my ex friends, but also by some teachers. I didn't have any part in final celebration of graduation and even my pictures were not picked up from a photographer along with the rest. All I remember is a constant depression.
I went to university to get a major, that I didn't want or care for. I was accepted only because of my grades and I went there just to not disappoint my mom.
In the first days in my group there was subtly formed a small sub group of popular pretty girls and they invited me to hang out with them. As I realized now, at that point I already accumulated social anxiety, and as a defensive mechanism I avoided them and their company at any cost. I avoided anybody and all I did was studying and working. This is how I spent 5 student years.
In between I managed to save money for summer student exchange program. One of the summers I spent in Florida, where I met new friends, and I felt like I can start all over again. It was the best summer in my life, but it didn't last.
The last time I came for summer as an exchange student, I met my husband and stayed in US.
I was the happiest ever in my life for the first 6 months of our marriage. He is outgoing, fun, sociable person, who makes friends in minutes and always have a lot of people around himself. Then he lost his job, lost most of the friends, went through depression, I got sick to the point, where I could not work and got in ER, where the doctor said I could die in a couple of days.
The times were dark and sad, but I always knew that I had my husband by my side. I knew he was the only one I had, besides my mom. With 2$ in my pocket, eviction notice and a huge bill from ER, I still had peace and hope, because I was not alone.
Later everything improved. But my husband was still struggling with finding himself, because the job he lost was not just a job, it was he lifestyle and people he worked for, was almost his family.
Our relationship worsened, we grew apart.
I left my husband, moved to another city and filed for divorce. I thought I could have a fresh start. I had dreams, plans, ideas for my future and I was confident of reaching my goals, because I thought I had a circle of supporting friends around me.
Was I mistaken. I got a job, I lost weight, that I gained, when I was sick. I bought a car. And as my personal situation was rapidly improving, the relationship with a few friends that I had was getting worse.
My best friend that I new for 5 years, who I had fights and great times together, put me out of the apartment without a notice, keeping my money for rent. We didn't have a single fight, since I moved in with her after leaving my husband. She said, she just didn't want to see my face anymore, that nobody likes and cares for me in this life because I am a piece of sht.
I havent spoken with her in a year. And this year was the hardest for me. I have never been SO ALONE. It is like everybody who had any resentment or jealousy for me or any negative feeling, decided to use this opportunity to drop me.
And since I am kind of shy and reserved person, some other people preferred her to me.
As long as I remember, there was always someone in my life. A man, a friend, my mom, who would be there for me, who I could call and talk or spend time together.
This is the first time I live alone, far from my mom and there is no one else in this world besides her, who would care a bit about me.
My new year resolution was to make friends and try to put myself out there as much as possible and meet all kinds of different people. And as much as I tried, the worse I failed and the more lonely I felt.
I know, that nothing will change until I get up and do something to change it. But the more I try, the more I fail. I don't know where to find strength to make some changes.
Any suggestions?
This is a short version of my early years.
Later, when I went to school, I was pretty successful. From day one I was a straight A student, met other kids and got my first best friend, who was an A student too.
I remember there were girls in my class, who were from rich families and other kids were intimidate by them. Those girls were popular, rich and spoiled.
Some circumstances made our paths cross and as I was absolutely not intimidated by them (it is the case of when "ignorance is a bliss"), I became a part of their group, they became my best friends, almost like my sisters.
As we were growing up, it was becoming harder to stay equal in the group.
One day everything changed. I became a weak link. After a small incident my friends abandoned me. They didn't talk to me or even looked in my sight for 2 months. I was devastated. Some others from the class used this to repay for the jealousy they had for me for all this time and excluded me at any possible occasion too.
Later, I reconciled with the group, but it was never the same, the trust was broken. 2 years in high school I basically spent alone.
In the final days, I was excluded not only by my ex friends, but also by some teachers. I didn't have any part in final celebration of graduation and even my pictures were not picked up from a photographer along with the rest. All I remember is a constant depression.
I went to university to get a major, that I didn't want or care for. I was accepted only because of my grades and I went there just to not disappoint my mom.
In the first days in my group there was subtly formed a small sub group of popular pretty girls and they invited me to hang out with them. As I realized now, at that point I already accumulated social anxiety, and as a defensive mechanism I avoided them and their company at any cost. I avoided anybody and all I did was studying and working. This is how I spent 5 student years.
In between I managed to save money for summer student exchange program. One of the summers I spent in Florida, where I met new friends, and I felt like I can start all over again. It was the best summer in my life, but it didn't last.
The last time I came for summer as an exchange student, I met my husband and stayed in US.
I was the happiest ever in my life for the first 6 months of our marriage. He is outgoing, fun, sociable person, who makes friends in minutes and always have a lot of people around himself. Then he lost his job, lost most of the friends, went through depression, I got sick to the point, where I could not work and got in ER, where the doctor said I could die in a couple of days.
The times were dark and sad, but I always knew that I had my husband by my side. I knew he was the only one I had, besides my mom. With 2$ in my pocket, eviction notice and a huge bill from ER, I still had peace and hope, because I was not alone.
Later everything improved. But my husband was still struggling with finding himself, because the job he lost was not just a job, it was he lifestyle and people he worked for, was almost his family.
Our relationship worsened, we grew apart.
I left my husband, moved to another city and filed for divorce. I thought I could have a fresh start. I had dreams, plans, ideas for my future and I was confident of reaching my goals, because I thought I had a circle of supporting friends around me.
Was I mistaken. I got a job, I lost weight, that I gained, when I was sick. I bought a car. And as my personal situation was rapidly improving, the relationship with a few friends that I had was getting worse.
My best friend that I new for 5 years, who I had fights and great times together, put me out of the apartment without a notice, keeping my money for rent. We didn't have a single fight, since I moved in with her after leaving my husband. She said, she just didn't want to see my face anymore, that nobody likes and cares for me in this life because I am a piece of sht.
I havent spoken with her in a year. And this year was the hardest for me. I have never been SO ALONE. It is like everybody who had any resentment or jealousy for me or any negative feeling, decided to use this opportunity to drop me.
And since I am kind of shy and reserved person, some other people preferred her to me.
As long as I remember, there was always someone in my life. A man, a friend, my mom, who would be there for me, who I could call and talk or spend time together.
This is the first time I live alone, far from my mom and there is no one else in this world besides her, who would care a bit about me.
My new year resolution was to make friends and try to put myself out there as much as possible and meet all kinds of different people. And as much as I tried, the worse I failed and the more lonely I felt.
I know, that nothing will change until I get up and do something to change it. But the more I try, the more I fail. I don't know where to find strength to make some changes.
Any suggestions?
