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Ymir

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So my therapist and everyone else recently have been pressuring me into getting into a romantic relationship. Because I'm 17, I'm somewhat pretty, somewhat pleasant when I want to be, etc, etc... So I should totally find myself a nice boyfriend EXCEPT that I'm not really adept of this whole monogamy thing.

Mostly because I find romantic relationships to be 1) too taxing 2) unrewarding. And here's why: from what I've observed a romantic relationship basically entails reciprocal emotional support, companionship and sex if both partners are up to it.

Is this all...? Because I don't want two of those things in the list. I'm not really capable of developing deep feelings for people, as well as I'm pretty emotionally blank most of the times. I don't need or want emotional support (therapy has no effect on me on that aspect) and would never care for someone enough to offer them support 24/7 without feeling sick of the person. I don't want a companion.

I want someone independent who I can have sex with and debate issues that pick my interest, which go from literature and pop culture to controversial issues regarding the world's current situation and science. Because then I would have someone to offer me the intellectual stimulus I need and I could definitely settle for such person.

But doesn't look like I'm going to find this person anytime soon, and I can't even have casual flings or friendships with benefits without people and parents being judgemental.

Just venting really. I am not interested in hearing "oh but you are young you are going to change your mind" because yes, I've been told, yes I'm waiting for the time when I'll change my mind, but no, I didn't change my mind yet and the possibility of changing my mind in the future doesn't mean the problem at hand doesn't exist.

In short, I'm as frustrated as I can be now that all my friends have boyfriends and I wonder if that's all romantic relationships are supposed to be, because if so they are hella mediocre and the more time passes, the less I see the appeal and still I keep being pressured into finding myself one.

:club:
 
Seems a little odd to me for people to be pressuring you into a relationship. I guess they think it would be a positive thing for you in some way. It is true that for some it can be healthy.

Getting into a relationship for the sake of a relationship is not always such a good idea though and I think you should definitely try and meet someone who you feel properly compatible with personality wise if you do try, someone you like to be around and can have interesting conversation with, someone you generally find attractive... That could potentially be a very long quest to find such a person though.

For me, only one person in the last 10 years has talked about relationships with me and that was just because she was curious about my past. She knew the person I was in a relationship with way back then and I came up in conversation between them I guess. Funny how she remembered the conversation considering it was 10 years ago.
 
People pressure me because I can't hide very well that I hate intimacy and physical contact so they think I just need to fall in love to get rid of it but actually, I've felt somewhat strongly for a dude once and I was still very uncomfortable with the whole romance, holding hands stuff. But I definitely found him *very* attractive. In fact, I only asked him out because I knew he'd say no, so I could move the fresia on. I didn't want to date him but I was still kinda caught up with the idea that he could accept being a friend with benefits. But he said no to that, so... *shrugs* I was a bit ugly and even weirder back then so I can see why he would refuse.

@Tealeaf, my age is in my profile :D

@Ska It's a thing called "maturing". I definitely think I'll change my mind on this soon enough, but right in this second, I haven't. Yet. I'll get back at you when I'm 35.
 
This all sounds familiar, people always tell me 'oh just wait you will change' 'you will change your mind'. Yeah well I'm still waiting and honeysuckle hasn't changed at all. Some people just aren't the romantic type and aren't into the standard relationship style that everyone has nowadays, nothing people say or do will change that, it may just be how your mind works and theirs nothing wrong with it at all. All it takes is finding the right type of relationship that you enjoy with the right person, which you already know. Who cares about other people having boyfriends or what people think. You know what you want, so other peoples opinions are just that, only opinions.

That's my experience anyway.
 
Your therapist wants you to find a relationship because having romantic attachments as a teenager is part of healthy personal development for most people. They find out who they are in regard who they're attracted to, and develop the traits and ability's to form future, more profound attachments. It's not about finding the great love of your life at 17, it's about testing the waters and getting your feet wet. It's about experimenting. Sometimes you don't know that you actually like/dislike someone or something about them until you get to know them, and you may even surprise yourself with what you do end up liking in this regard.*

That being said, it's right for most young people, but it may not be right for you. You seem to know yourself fairly well and if you don't think it's right for you you're probably right. Tell those around you to relax, and not to worry so much about it, you'll probably be just fine.

*Take my advice with a grain of salt. I'm just a lonely old man who doesn't really know honeysuckle.​
 
Ymir said:
People pressure me because I can't hide very well that I hate intimacy and physical contact so they think I just need to fall in love to get rid of it but actually, I've felt somewhat strongly for a dude once and I was still very uncomfortable with the whole romance, holding hands stuff. But I definitely found him *very* attractive. In fact, I only asked him out because I knew he'd say no, so I could move the fresia on. I didn't want to date him but I was still kinda caught up with the idea that he could accept being a friend with benefits. But he said no to that, so... *shrugs* I was a bit ugly and even weirder back then so I can see why he would refuse.

Well some people just don't really like intimacy and physical contact full stop, personally I think that is a little bit of a shame in a way because having physical contact with someone you have a mutual affection with is great, but each to their own.
Maybe you don't like it because of something that happened in the past?
Who knows, you may change your mind about that later in life, maybe you will warm up to it if you meet the right person.

Be a bit careful about just getting into a fwb situation with a guy, if you suddenly do develop feelings afterwards and it is not reciprocated by him, it could be rather demoralizing.


jjessea said:
Your therapist wants you to find a relationship because having romantic attachments as a teenager is part of healthy personal development for most people. They find out who they are in regard who they're attracted to, and develop the traits and ability's to form future, more profound attachments. It's not about finding the great love of your life at 17, it's about testing the waters and getting your feet wet. It's about experimenting. Sometimes you don't know that you actually like/dislike someone or something about them until you get to know them, and you may even surprise yourself with what you do end up liking in this regard.*

That being said, it's right for most young people, but it may not be right for you. You seem to know yourself fairly well and if you don't think it's right for you you're probably right. Tell those around you to relax, and not to worry so much about it, you'll probably be just fine.

*Take my advice with a grain of salt. I'm just a lonely old man who doesn't really know honeysuckle.​

I think you are right with your description of why the therapist might be asking her to find a relationship. There are so many people on this forum and out in the world who have been trying to find a relationship for a very long time though...
Its seems funny just to tell someone "Hey go and find a relationship" as if it is just that easy. lol
To just say to go find a relationship seems a bit ridiculous.
 
Outcast said:
This all sounds familiar, people always tell me 'oh just wait you will change' 'you will change your mind'. Yeah well I'm still waiting and honeysuckle hasn't changed at all. Some people just aren't the romantic type and aren't into the standard relationship style that everyone has nowadays, nothing people say or do will change that, it may just be how your mind works and theirs nothing wrong with it at all. All it takes is finding the right type of relationship that you enjoy with the right person, which you already know. Who cares about other people having boyfriends or what people think. You know what you want, so other peoples opinions are just that, only opinions.

That's my experience anyway.

Yeah, I'm betting on that. I just really seem to want a different kind of relationship, but I know that what I am now will change eventually, so maybe this won't stay for very long.

Still is a tad annoying.

@ Shybuthi I think that finding a relationship is pretty easy, though finding a GOOD relationship is a tad trickier. Who knows, maybe I will warm up to someone eventually... Years in the future... In a post-apocalyptic earth...

@Jjessea yeah, I know what she's up to but really. I have honeysuckle to do and I'm ill. I can't just go and experiment like that because dealing with people IS really draining and damaging to my health, plus I already experimented a bit and nope... My therapist should know a bit better.
 
Ymir said:
@ Shybuthi I think that finding a relationship is pretty easy, though finding a GOOD relationship is a tad trickier. Who knows, maybe I will warm up to someone eventually... Years in the future... In a post-apocalyptic earth...

I must be missing something here because it sure as hell is not easy for me. lol :club:
 
Ymir said:
But doesn't look like I'm going to find this person anytime soon, and I can't even have casual flings or friendships with benefits without people and parents being judgemental.

You can do this. Plenty of people do it. There isn't really anything wrong with it. Besides, it's not really their business what you do with your private life.

Then again you seem just a little inexperienced. Sometimes we think we know what we want until something comes along and changes our minds. Who knows. Plenty of people just do the casual fwb thing though so I wouldn't even be worried about that.
 
ShybutHi said:
Ymir said:
@ Shybuthi I think that finding a relationship is pretty easy, though finding a GOOD relationship is a tad trickier. Who knows, maybe I will warm up to someone eventually... Years in the future... In a post-apocalyptic earth...

I must be missing something here because it sure as hell is not easy for me. lol :club:

Mind you I didn't say relationship with a healthy, sane person who isn't desperate to say yes to the first offer hahaha

@kamya Here you are only "allowed" to have a casual fling with someone who you are going to have a serious relationship later. It's bullshit, but unfortunately... Plus my parents think that way as well and SADLY they are still in charge of me so I kinda have to live under their rules if I want to live under their roof. :club:
 
Ymir said:
Mind you I didn't say relationship with a healthy, sane person who isn't desperate to say yes to the first offer hahaha

Haha well I can't even get into a relationship with someone who is completely insane. :p I did meet a girl who was rather odd once and she seemed to take a real liking to me... (Why, I have absolutely no idea)
Decided to hang out a bit one day and then when I next saw her she decided to, incredibly ecstatically, wave and shout my name out really loudly with a big smile on her face in front of loads of people in a public setting, which I admit was a little off-putting for me, back then I was quite shy and reserved. :p
 
What're your interests Ymir? Outings related to them may provide the common ground needed to spark a connection with someone. Just my thinking tho. Hope you find what you're looking for! Hang in there.
 
I don't think there is anything wrong with you or want you want. It sounds to me you want something casual that is there when you want the company and the chat etc and will leave you alone when you want to be alone.

A lot of people want that and I guess it's just a matter of finding someone who wants the same thing as you. I know that is easier said than done and maybe chatting via a website would help you find that more than trying to find someone in real life.

I had a long distance arrangement similar to what you are wanting and we would chat online and just make the best of it when we felt like.
 
I would like to find someone IRL if possible. Long distance stuff isn't the best for me right now... I don't even think that what I want is wrong, it's just a view not a lot of people around here (or everywhere in the world actually) share :/

I'll just ignore all the pressure and keep looking. Maybe one day.
 
Ymir said:
I'll just ignore all the pressure and keep looking. Maybe one day.

This is the best idea, I think. Follow your own path. Don't let anyone try to make your life out to be anything that would make you uncomfortable. It'll all happen in good time.
 
Ymir said:
My therapist should know a bit better.

I am appalled at the way some therapists are. They should really know better, especially their own patients. Unbelievable. :\

Anyway, you know yourself what you want, what you like and what you can do. Believe in yourself (I think there isn't a problem with this) and just put on deaf ears to what others tell you that goes against your beliefs and wants. They don't know you any better.

I do wish you all the best in finding a suitable person in real life. I always believe it'll come when the time is right. As you said you have some health issues you're dealing with, maybe you will be better or can deal with it better in time and that's when someone will come along. Anyway, good luck. :)
 

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