Making The Effort

Does anybody ever have a problem with people making the effort with you?

Basically, I seem to be the one that always has to suggest to meet up, or even start a conversation on skype. If it wasn't for my efforts I wouldn't see this person at all. Everything is one-sided and it makes me feel confused.

Surely if people are your friend, they would want to contact you and ask you to meet up?

Surely it takes a matter of seconds to start a conversation on skype?

This kinda stuff always happens to me now. For a test I didn't make the effort myself, and I haven't seen said person for 3 weeks now.

yup, I know someone just like that!
known each other for many years and I always questioned whether we would remain in contact if I never made an effort.
and ya, it's been pretty much 2 months for us now that we have barely spoken, simply because I have given up.
for a long time, I just felt like this friend had a lot of issues and I was supposed to be the better person by forgiving and making an effort where not many in her life had made the effort before.
but all that did was hurt myself and make me feel unappreciated and unwanted. felt like I was the one with the issue and I was too needy.
really though, we shouldn't care about anyone more than they are willing to care about us.
don't put effort into a friendship that is one sided and causes you grief.
I went out and found new friends and was successful. I found one in particular that showed me what a proper friend should act like and helped me heal my soul.

imho, that is what you should try to do as well

Walley said:

imho, that is what you should try to do as well

Click to expand...

Yeah I'm trying but it's hard for me, at least your post gave me hope that I can find somebody like that too

I think we all know people like that, and it is best to just let them go. They really aren't much of a friend anyway. I'm not saying to cut them out of your life but just don't make the effort anymore and focus your energy on something more productive and worth your time.

Sci-Fi said:

I think we all know people like that, and it is best to just let them go. They really aren't much of a friend anyway. I'm not saying to cut them out of your life but just don't make the effort anymore and focus your energy on something more productive and worth your time.

Click to expand...

Yeah you are right. I'm trying to move on.

LonesomeLoner said:

Does anybody ever have a problem with people making the effort with you?

Basically, I seem to be the one that always has to suggest to meet up, or even start a conversation on skype. If it wasn't for my efforts I wouldn't see this person at all. Everything is one-sided and it makes me feel confused.

Surely if people are your friend, they would want to contact you and ask you to meet up?

Surely it takes a matter of seconds to start a conversation on skype?

This kinda stuff always happens to me now. For a test I didn't make the effort myself, and I haven't seen said person for 3 weeks now.

Click to expand...

Yup...!!! I know a guy like that... Talk about not making an effort... I haven't spoken to this guy for about 3 years now... In hind sight, I've always made an effort to call him & talk to him & things... I even took him on vacations few times... Made an effort to get him out of his house... Once, I let it go for a week & he hasn't called me or emailed me or text me... So I called him to see how he was doing... We talked for few minutes... Then I haven't called him for 3 weeks & nothing... So I called him again & we talked for a while... Then I haven't contacted him for about 2 month & nothing... So I sent him an email & I've gotten one back about 2 days after... So I stopped all efforts of contacting him & that was about 3 years ago... He hasn't called me, emailed me or text me since... Oh, well... Not my loss...

People are very happy to make the effort with me.

When they need something.

Sci-Fi said:

I think we all know people like that, and it is best to just let them go. They really aren't much of a friend anyway. I'm not saying to cut them out of your life but just don't make the effort anymore and focus your energy on something more productive and worth your time.

Click to expand...

This.

Most of the times I have seen this happen, the person who never makes the effort thinks that the sudden cessation of contact means that the person who does all the work has stopped caring about the friendship.

The parameters of relationships are set early on. If only one person makes the plans and the other person makes no effort, then that is how the relationship will go unless it is changed. Suddenly changing the parameters without telling the other person and claiming it to be some kind of "test" is not a very good way to deal with it, imo.

Why didn't you talk to your friend before you decided to change the rules of your friendship without warning?

Case said:

Most of the times I have seen this happen, the person who never makes the effort thinks that the sudden cessation of contact means that the person who does all the work has stopped caring about the friendship.

The parameters of relationships are set early on. If only one person makes the plans and the other person makes no effort, then that is how the relationship will go unless it is changed. Suddenly changing the parameters without telling the other person and claiming it to be some kind of "test" is not a very good way to deal with it, imo.

Why didn't you talk to your friend before you decided to change the rules of your friendship without warning?

Click to expand...

er actually he used to make the effort too, when I met him, so don't make me out to be in the wrong here, if anybody changed the 'paramaters' it was him, he decided not to give a flying fresia all of a sudden so fresia him

Case said:

Most of the times I have seen this happen, the person who never makes the effort thinks that the sudden cessation of contact means that the person who does all the work has stopped caring about the friendship.

The parameters of relationships are set early on. If only one person makes the plans and the other person makes no effort, then that is how the relationship will go unless it is changed. Suddenly changing the parameters without telling the other person and claiming it to be some kind of "test" is not a very good way to deal with it, imo.

Why didn't you talk to your friend before you decided to change the rules of your friendship without warning?

Click to expand...

I believe a friendship, like any other relationship, takes efforts on both sides... You know what they say about assumptions... "When you assume, it makes an ass out of u & me..." In a lot of cases, parameters are exactly that, an assumption... Just because it started out with one person making more effort than the other, doesn't mean that other person should just sit back & do nothing, or make an assumption that the person will always come up with something... And when parameters are changed, instead of just automatically assuming that's the way it should be, person could make an effort to find out why it has changed... That's what a friendship is about, isn't it? Caring about each other enough when something out of ordinary happens, making an effort to make sure the other person is ok?

sk66rc said:

I believe a friendship, like any other relationship, takes efforts on both sides... You know what they say about assumptions... "When you assume, it makes an ass out of u & me..."

Click to expand...

Good one. I use that joke myself. For your enjoyment, here is the episode of "The Odd Couple" in which this joke first appeared in 1973.

Despite the classic joke, I don't feel that assumptions play the primary role in this at all. It's really about what we need to do when someone is taking advantage of us.

sk66rc said:

Just because it started out with one person making more effort than the other, doesn't mean that other person should just sit back & do nothing, or make an assumption that the person will always come up with something...

Click to expand...

Well, if we waited for other people to change, we'd be in for an awfully long wait. The only one we can truly change is ourselves.

In any friendship, the expended effort should IDEALLY be balanced, but that doesn't always work out that way. If the overworked person does nothing about it, then that is passive acceptance of the unspoken agreement to carry on as it is. So the moral is this: Either change the situation that we passively agreed to at the outset of the friendship, or continue as we were.

I'm not saying that lazy people should be let off the hook, but if we allow lazy friends be lazy (by not speaking up,) then we're partly to blame for letting them take advantage of us. Only by taking decisive action can we ever improve our friendships to ones that are fair for everyone involved.

Well either way I decided to move on from this person.

LonesomeLoner said:

Well either way I decided to move on from this person.

Click to expand...

Good move...!!! But then that's just my opinion...