Extreme Shyness. :)

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johnny196775

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My life would very much improve if i were not so shy. I am thinking a lot of people here might also be shy to some degree or other.

Has anybody here had any luck in overcoming extreme shyness and how did you do it?

Thank you and have a nice day. :)
 
Therapy did it for me. For you, that could mean meds, or it could mean "flooding," but I'd recommend professional help for anything deemed to be "extreme."
 
I took a deep breathe, gave myself a pep talk, and just started talking to people.

I overcame some of my shyness in high school by getting outside of my comfort zone and doing things. It's really hard, but it helped a lot.
 
well, I think I can tell a success story about that. After bullying and family problems I was so shy for all my teens and 20ies that I could barely speak up so that people could hear me. Every time I spent time with others I had like an out of body experience, because I was so self conscious that all the events I would see from the outside, criticizing myself. I would walk for hours just to avoid asking a stranger for the time.
I managed to go around and have some sort of a life because a) I truly love being with people b) I self medicated with loads of tranquilizers, at a time when there wasn't even a name for the issue (social anxiety), except for the fact than after a while it was the medication itself who was creating the anxiety, but at the time I didn't know. And very rarely some good people did come my way spontaneously, so I was all too happy to accept them as friends (also some not so good people) and c) I never, ever gave myself a break, like: you MUST go out, you MUST do theatre (the most horrifying thing of them all), you MUST make phone calls to important people who will spite you etc (once I even asked a guy out ;)
Not sure why I did all this, but by instinct it was the only way out of it, just doing it. It's amazing how you just do it and no one dies, nothing happens.

The real healing started when I met a group in which I was sort of accepted unconditionally, so I could spend time with "other kids" (at age 28, better late than never) like I had never been able to do before, and recover some skills that I never developed during childhood.
After that I started reading books like 'how to talk to anyone' and 'goodbye to shy', and now I am an obnoxious person who talks too much and I guess at least I can speak up, except that even a few days alone make everything come back, and yes, when it comes to one to one conversations sometimes I just blank out because of anxiety and sometimes fail to listen and ask questions, but I guess it also depends on who is the other person.
So yes, even if this a success story I understand that social skills have to be practiced every day, maybe after many years it will become automatic. Oh, and I forgot: the most important thing for me it was learn to control the "after" thoughts, the pain of thinking back to the conversation and remembering all the perceived mistakes etc, and beating myself endlessly about it. Sometimes it still happens, but now I have learned to say "fresia it" with some conviction.
I think it comes also from the realization that "I" is not so important really, and that all my fear of others was really basically self-centeredness, so now I try to concentrate on the other people and like that I forget my troubles - a bit.
 
I used to call myself shy but realized I'm just introverted, which is a personality trait not a flaw. I like hanging around people but my parents never taught me decent social skills and I grew up in an insulated small town.
I did a lot of what Peaches talks about in her response. A lot of it for me is just faking it till I make it.

-Teresa
 
If your struggling with knowing how to make small talk with people and feel you need some practice, here is a little tip someone told me about a few years ago. I do it all the time these days as it is a great way of getting used to talking to strangers!

Your best friends here are - supermarket / shop workers - the people who are working the tills are the best.

Ok, buy as much as you dare, start small, just buy some pop and maybe some crisps or something (soda and candy for you Americans :) ) anything, it does not really matter.

Get to the till, look the shop work straight in the eye & smile nicely (this is very important) and just say

"Hi, you ok?" or "Hi, how you doing" - thats it.

They will probably just smile back say "yeah, I'm fine" and carry on serving you - these people are PAID to be nice to you, I've never had one turn round and tell me to "fresia off" yet. And usually they are glad of a bit of a distraction.

By the time they have answered you will probably be at the paying stage anyway, feel free to keep gabbing on or just leave it there if you wish. Depends on how much bottle you've got.

Personally, I like to follow up with "so, they got you working here all day?" - takes up a few more seconds.

Awkward silences are a none issue as your only going to be there 30 seconds max anyway! They are working so won't care one jot if your talking or not, they get it all day.

You do not know these people, and if you so wish you never have to see them again, really who cares if you make a fool of yourself.

You can finish up with "So, you doing anything exciting when you finish?" - this is a winner as it gives you a bit of an insight as to what they are like married/kids/lonely/hobbies/what they're having for dinner etc. Remember this reply, you might go in the next night and be served by them again. "Hi again! you make that spicy bean burger for your dinner last night ?"

Rotate round the workers, NEVER EVER EVER use their real name, even though its on their badge, thats getting a bit personal and can come across as a bit creepy. Don't bother if they are chatting to a co worker either you'll just get on their nerves, let them do their job, still do the "Hi" and eye contact anyway though.

If they are talking to a co-worker you can start on the person behind you in the queue. In the uk we have those conveyor belts where everyone puts their shopping so you can see what they are buying.

This is a bit trickier, don't start with Hi and don't look them in the eyes! just sort of comment in their general direction - maybe look them in the eyes if they are sexy as hell though!

I like to comment on their alcohol purchases, loads of times I've ended up chatting to the person behind me simply by turning round to them and saying point blank "whoa, your gonna be sick as a pig if you drink all that!" pointing at that bottle of cheap vodka.

Another gem is to pretend you cant find something in store, the attendants will 9 times out of 10 walk you to the correct isle. That gives you another 30 secs or so of walk and talk with someone, just use the "you working all night?" line as your wandering across the store.

Remember, your only going to be talking to them for a minute at most!

I find the folks in their mid 50's to be the best when your starting off, especially the women, they always love a good gossip!

Just smile and relax, as your leaving, "enjoy the rest of your day!"
 
I was sooooo shy in high school. Now that im in college im still pretty shy haha but i've started to talk a bit more with people. I'm more of a thinker and not a talker, although I can be sometimes too :p
 

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