One degree of separation

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LonelySutton

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One thing that keeps me lonely I think is that for some strange reason, every single person that I like, and I would want as a friend... seems enamored and is friends with someone I cannot stand.

My cousin Valarie. I like her... she likes me... but she likes my cousin Katie as much if not more than me. I dislike my cousin Katie. I thought about it.. I can't ever deal with her... or be around her. And it makes me wonder how it can be that someone I genuinely like seems to like someone I find so horrible. And worse, Valarie seems to think it is her job to get us together.

My work friend Susan is friends with someone I despise, Pat. For years I put up with it, hiding my hate for Pat because I liked Susan. But Pat just stabbed me in the back at work and Susan seems bound and determined to think the most positive of Pat. And I am just about to break it off with Susan. I can't see how she can still be friends with Pat. And it says to me she thinks differently than me. So there goes another friend.

My last boyfriend had a friend that I just couldn't stand. Uncommunicative, short, and clearly couldn't stand me. I always felt in competition and frequently we did everything with his buddy.

And worse, I like to keep people sort of just one on one. But I HATE, and it happens a lot, I invite someone out and they bring someone else out at the last minute with us. I agreed to lunch with you... not this other person? Aren't I enough? I guess not.
 
I have recently made a friend who is friends with someone I met several times a couple of years ago and didn't like very much, so I simply avoid bringing up the other lady's name when we talk together. When she mentions the other lady I say something like 'I remember she wrote some good poems' or 'I remember she mentioned having two dogs' or something non commital, as she obviously has the right to be friends with anyone she wants.
However, your situation is different in that the people you like are trying to bring you together with the people you don't like, while my new friend is happy to keep it one to one. I am not sure how I would deal with this. Your friend Susan knows that you and Pat don't get along, so could you ask Susan to continue to meet up with you one to one and say you would prefer not to meet Pat? It must hurt a lot that Pat has treated you so badly and that Susan doesn't take this onboard, but maybe Susan is exposed to a different side to Pat, and hasn't been a target of her unkind side.
With Valerie, she sounds a bit controlling or maybe she is just the sort of person who can't stand to see relatives fall out and wants you both to get along. Again, if she gets on with you both,she may well find it hard to understand why you and Katie don't get on.
It seems unusual that a boyfriend would always have a friend along with you on dates and outings. Maybe his friend felt threatened by you, and thought that your relationship would take your boyfriend away from him. He could have been putting pressure on your boyfriend to be included.
I am wondering-I don't say this to wound you-if maybe you are coming across as jealous or afraid of other people in your friends' lives and if this is rebounding on you if they pick up on it and feel pushed out by it, and so are horrible to you?
 
Tiina63 said:
I have recently made a friend who is friends with someone if maybe you are coming across as jealous or afraid of other people in your friends' lives and if this is rebounding on you if they pick up on it and feel pushed out by it, and so are horrible to you?

Oh I definitely think that is part of it. But typically if I don't like someone, I would get away from them... but these people refuse to let me get away from someone I don't like... in a sense... they obviously don't respect me or find me an important enough friend to value that I don't want to around the other person.

Most of the time they act as if I am being silly and they are really doing me a kindness by forcing interaction because if I only hung around the other person we would obviously be happy and best buds.

So I would like to cut them out of my life too but I realize this just keeps happening. If I find a nice person to be friends with, they always seem to have someone who doesn't like me or I don't like who takes up a place of importance with them.

ETA this also happens on the internet. I have hung out on a message board for years. I get along really well with one of the posters. That poster is just in love with another poster who hates me. Personally I find this other poster to be a horrible boring person but my mutual friend adores her. I have no doubt that if there was a choice, it would be her not me.
 
It is strange that it keeps on happening with everyone nice who you would like to have as a friend. I generally meet my friends one to one, and their other friends remain either a mystery to me or, if I know them from somewhere else, I am not forced to be with them. Maybe because they are good friends with the other person they can't understand why you and the other person don't get on and they think they are being kind by wanting you to meet the other person and to sort out any differences you may have.
The fact it keeps on happening does suggest though that there is something deeper going on.
 
Yeah I agree lonelysutton.

I've said here many times; people don't just want a few friends these days. They want to be famous, loved, to be the center of attention. To have 1000 "friends" on facebook, to do something stupid and become a "celebrity", to go places with very large groups, to have huge, costly weddings, etc. a never-ending, ceaseless competition.

My very best friends from every stage of my life have abandoned me. The people who you trust, who are in the trenches with you, with whom you share the good and the bad times. The people who are a part of your life.

And I'm abandoned, and why? Because I'm quiet and don't think getting drunk in a crowd or going to the millionth meaningless concert or sporting event is a particularly useful way to spend one's brief moment on this planet. Because I don't relentlessly keep up with everyone every moment, analyzing every last detail of everything on facebook and twitter, and saying "wow, i'm so interested in that meal you just had, that looks so good!!! "awwwww, your kids are so cute!!!" "yeah you're opinion on that is spot on, you are always right, you know everything!!!"

I treat people with respect, like adults, and demand the same, and for that I'm outcast. Well, they can have this bankrupt world if they want.
 
lonelydoc said:
Because I'm quiet and don't think getting drunk in a crowd or going to the millionth meaningless concert or sporting event is a particularly useful way to spend one's brief moment on this planet. Because I don't relentlessly keep up with everyone every moment,

It is like I am not interesting enough. I never thought this would be the case but I constantly lose out to people who are more "pretty" than me. And what I mean by that... is that they have a spouse and two kids or a loving and happy family. They have a nice house or a nice car. They are bright shining stars... in some way. But I am boring and am happy with my little simple world.

This spring I moved to a new house. Why? In large part urging of "friends". Even when I was spending my money they were only to willing to help me spend it. I am sure, however, when I lose my job they won't be there for me. People were excited to see me. They had something to talk to me about... but then it was over and I was boring again. I am totally not like that at all. When I see someone who is a good friend, I don't care about their house, their vacations etc.

When someone at work is taking a personal day, this is my reaction. Ok well have fun. You notice, I don't ask anything about it. I don't care. I like that person no matter. When I take a personal day, Pat always says -- what are you doing? Notice first, she seems to expect I am doing something and I am defective if I am not, and second, why, is that how you are going to judge me? What the HELL does it matter.

As to the one degree of people I can't stand or can't stand me... I have come to the conclusion it might be because I know so few people. If you know 100 people and 10 of them dislike you.. no worries. But I can only handle a little people at a time so... if I know 25 people and 10 hate me... well then I have this problem.
 
Yes I know what you mean.

Well, people are going to be interested in successful, outgoing people. That's the nature of the game.

Myself, I like quiet but otherwise normal people. I have no time whatsoever for abusive or psychotic people, nor do I have sympathy for them.
 

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