"You need to change your perspective."

In short: Everyone's been told at least once that everything's just a matter of perspective. What's your opinion - can most problems really be solved by a change in perspective, and is such an approach more practical than directly fixing our problems?

Following are the philisophical musings of Musicman:

I'm a church musician during the school year, and in spite of my (sort of closet) atheism I do enjoy the sermons, which often have very good non-religious applications. In one of my favorites the pastor talked about "bucket filling" and emptying, which is an adorable term for how people make others feel great or like crap. He said that if ten people complimented you and just one totally chewed you out, you'd probably remember the negative person more. Bucket emptying is apparently just that **** effective.

I guess it's just a human survival technique: we tend to focus more on our perceived ills and take the better things for granted. I know that I have some very dedicated friends, but all I can focus on is how much more social others are. I got to enjoy a fleeting but memorable relationship, but all I can focus on is the way it ended and my current, seemingly permanent singleness.

The problem I have with getting the perspective lecture is that it feels like it delegitimizes issues which may be very important to us. Furthermore, such change is much easier said than done. Opinions?

Musicman said:

Furthermore, such change is much easier said than done.

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Bingo. Right there. We can change our perspective, but the issue is often within ourselves. Limiting beliefs, negative self-talk, pessimism... These are internal states that we create, in part, to protect us from harm. But they also protect us from happiness.

As for bucket-filling and emptying, that is a variation on relationship advice I read called the "love bank." When you say "I love you" to your partner, you are making a deposit in their bank. If you take something from your partner, be it taking them for granted, taking their time or their generosity, that is a withdrawal. If you make more withdrawals than deposits, get ready for a rocky relationship.

Case said:

Musicman said:

Furthermore, such change is much easier said than done.

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Bingo. Right there. We can change our perspective, but the issue is often within ourselves. Limiting beliefs, negative self-talk, pessimism... These are internal states that we create, in part, to protect us from harm. But they also protect us from happiness.

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This.
But, a great deal of things that are worth having are easier said than done. Also, saying it is easier said than done is also limiting yourself in actually DOING what needs to be done. Will it be hard....yes, but will it also be worthwhile when you actually accomplish it?

Most everything in life can be different, if you perceive it differently. People could call you an ******* every day of your life, but unless you choose to let it bother you, choose to let it be an insult, it isn't one. Say thank you and walk away unfazed. Hell, people call me a ***** all the time. I'm fine with that, I choose to take it as a compliment

Musicman said:

In short: Everyone's been told at least once that everything's just a matter of perspective. What's your opinion - can most problems really be solved by a change in perspective, and is such an approach more practical than directly fixing our problems?

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I believe that many problems can be solved this way. Being aware that you have control over how you see and react to things, being mindful of how your reactions can affect you as a person. It's made a huge difference in my life.

Idk. Some things maybe, others no. It depends on you and your values. To me, some things are good and some things are bad. And some things are better than others.

For me, it sucks to have to pay the $100 or whatever it will be to renew my license plates every year. But it's a small problem compared to, say, being in jail or going blind. So I guess I can say that is a matter of perspective. Also the solution is fairly simple - make enough money that $100 is nothing, and there is no problem. It won't affect or limit me if that were so.

But other things I'd say are not matters of perspective. They are good or bad. I'd say, being a famous author is good, working in an office sucks. Living in a house in suburbia is good, living in a housing project sucks. Getting a hug is good, getting punched in the face is bad.

And when it comes to goals, idk...to me, "changing your perspective" sounds too close to giving up for me. I've always wanted to have a niche, to come up with good ideas, to do something great somehow and distinguish myself. "Changing my perspective" to being ok with a 9-5, TV, and booze and never doing anything great, never standing out and succeeding would be giving up. I don't want to learn to accept giving up. I want to learn how to make what I want come true.

Not necessarily change. Broaden maybe. You don't have to change yourself in order to see things from a different light.

TheSkaFish said:

And when it comes to goals, idk...to me, "changing your perspective" sounds too close to giving up for me. I've always wanted to have a niche, to come up with good ideas, to do something great somehow and distinguish myself. "Changing my perspective" to being ok with a 9-5, TV, and booze and never doing anything great, never standing out and succeeding would be giving up. I don't want to learn to accept giving up. I want to learn how to make what I want come true.

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That is not at all what it means to change your perspective.

I think many things are easier said than done, and that there is little reason why one person's advice or suggestion should be accepted. Usually there is a required external or internal pressure to drive the motivation behind a change in perspective. I think if one was sentenced to solitary confinement for 4 years, they would reach a point where they begin to change their perspective. Days, perhaps months would go by of freaking out, counting the seconds between the next meal, repeating things. Then one day perhaps they begin to visualize. They imagine themselves on a sandy beach, wind blowing in the plam trees, the sound of the waves crashing, children laughing and playing. They might imagine a stranger walking along the beach. They might approach them and ask them a question...

I can recal being younger and able to visualize things with absolute ease. I looked forward to going to be because I could just imagine things in my head and then sort of live them out in my dreams. The example above is rather literal and extreme, but to the point. It's always a case of mind over matter. Not to say there are no failures in this world, not to say these words will some how make this truth any easier to realize, but never the less it rings true.


is one extreme example

I think we often tend to think those things which garner the most attention as worth paying ours to as well.

Changing one's perspective could be as simple as standing up to go look out a window, and in doing so, catch a humming bird suckling on a flower. And from there one might decided to get a humming bird feeder. And for a few moments out of every day, enjoy watching the birds.

I also think that often times, what we want from others, is something that can not be, 'given'. So in our lack of ability as human beings, we try to, 'conjur' up, what we 'know', the person needs, but also, 'what we realize we can't give them'. In doing so, words come out in the form of, what feels like, suggestions, useless and cold dead advice.

Other times what we need, we just happen to find, in much the same way a squirrel may find a nut.

I am still trying to find out what's so wrong about changing oneself. Evolving takes changing, being a better person takes changing, a deep rooted tree will be blown away by strong wind easily, any other analogies you can think of etc, etc, etc... It's important to have flexibility to respond to the circumstances accordingly. So what if I'm not the same person I was, what if I decide to chance an aspect of myself to cope better with a certain issue? I'll never stop being anything other than myself.

About perspective, I tend to think this is way harder than it seems. Circumstances are not so easily changed and 1) usually they create our perspectives 2) they also create the problem. Changing perspective might not be so efficient if you can't change the situation around the problem.

There's nothing wrong with it. If someone feels the need to change it up a bit, more power to them. But too many people think they have to be someone else for anything to work out for them or for people to like them. And it's just not true. If one changes and they are happy with their change, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But change for you. Do it because you feel like it's in your heart. Don't do it to get someone to like you, or because someone doesn't like how you are. Because the minute you change for someone else, it has this tinted state of falsehood.

These are all great replies

VanillaCreme said:

Not necessarily change. Broaden maybe. You don't have to change yourself in order to see things from a different light.

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I think I agree with this the most. Broadening our perspective helps us to learn more about our and others' situations, so that we can change and grow.

^ exactly, a different perspective can be enlightening as well as confusing depending on the subject or situation! It seems that when I get wrapped up in negativity a different perspective is helpful, it can guide me to inner peace again.