i'm not sure how to describe myself very accurately but at best i'd say i've been a very confused and mostly frustrated person. i'll be turning 20 this sept and my life's been just bad, i mean, looking back, during early years of school i remember being a failure at academics or anything as a matter of fact plus (i've A.D.H.D. and dyscalculia) prolly cuz of all my hyperactivity i musta also seemed extremely annoying, because there never was one person genuinely friendly to me, although after eventually being labelled a retard by almost everyone who knew me i did get some sympathetic attention...but still i've mostly been ostracized, publicly humiliated and at one or two occasions, violated homosexually, in (get this) my childhood....later, early teens was when i got "friends", my reputation of a retard, still hung on among some......i've been an a'hole to many numerous times and have done regretful deeds, mostly outta frustration of being unable to express myself in any better way be it artistically, where i lack req skills or verbally, where i hesitate with poor self-confidence and fear of being mocked at....around 3 years back i started smoking pot and quit around 9 months back, i drink occasionally and smoke cigarettes daily, i've been diagnosed with bipolar mood disorder with some anxiety issues...once a week i get to talk to a counselor though i cannot say i'm doing, or even feeling better because of it.. also i'd been sent to a rehab for 3 terrifying months after almost O.D'ing myself on painkillers and coffee, recently discharged.... i do try to have the life that i dream of, try to be normal....like onetime this year i'd sent a 'friendrequest' to this girl i liked, on fb, she accepted.. i was pretty excited thinking how this was my chance to maybe show her a better part of my personality and at the same time, get to know her..so...she was nice and initially interested in conversing but i eventually embarrassed myself by using desperate humor which i then tried to gloss over with worse humor, it was uncontrollable, but in the end i had to unfriend her with good will to end any unintended torture.....i'll admit i'm more privileged than some in a lot of ways but after countless, failures and times being told, usually by people i've looked up to that i'm hopeless, i'm kinda toying with the idea of suicide, but without any serious intentions, cuz i'm too much of a coward. i'm writing here in hopes to perhaps feel better reading honest responses intended to help.