How to stop being so jealous?

I've been friends with this girl for awhile and now we've become best friends. I feel closer to her than I've ever felt to anyone.

Well I have a huge problem. It's really hard to explain, but I'll try my best. After being good friends with someone for awhile I start getting suspicious that they're going to leave me and find someone better, which leads to depression and extremely negative feelings towards them and I end up pushing them away. Even if they haven't done anything that suggests they want to.

Well this started happening with my best friend. When we met we were sort of both the same, as in we were shy and didn't talk to many people. So when we met we clicked. We really love cosplay and after we met we started going to a lot of events and met more people. After a year she got more outgoing and I was still the same. So I started to get jealous and started pushing her away. Although she's hard to push away. Sometimes I even think she's trying to make me jealous when she talks to her new friends. The thing is, I we've made the same amount of friends AND pretty much the same ones since we're always together when we go to these events, it's just that I get jealous thinking they like her more because she's prettier and more outgoing than me. I feel like I'm also being clingy and I hate it. -_- Does anyone have any advice? Sorry this was long.

I take it you are female as well and this is just a friendship?

It doesn't matter too much the same principles apply, Jealousy comes from feeling insecure and the ironic thing is the more jealous and insecure you are about your friend finding someone else the more likely it is to happen as they will tire of always having to reassure you (if they are aware of your issues) and will eventually just start spending more time with other friends.

You just need to let go and trust yourself and your friend really, it will be scary and I know first hand that being reassured all the time can be rather comforting so without that you just feel like you are in free fall but it will pass and you will be stronger for it as will your friendship.

I hope that helps.

Delta said:

I take it you are female as well and this is just a friendship?

It doesn't matter too much the same principles apply, Jealousy comes from feeling insecure and the ironic thing is the more jealous and insecure you are about your friend finding someone else the more likely it is to happen as they will tire of always having to reassure you (if they are aware of your issues) and will eventually just start spending more time with other friends.

You just need to let go and trust yourself and your friend really, it will be scary and I know first hand that being reassured all the time can be rather comforting so without that you just feel like you are in free fall but it will pass and you will be stronger for it as will your friendship.

I hope that helps.

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Yes I'm female and this is just a close friend.

That did help and I appreciate it! I'm aware of my feelings coming from being insecure and I try not to worry about it and let go like you said, but sometimes I'll catch myself getting jealous all over again. It's so hard.

Yes I'm female and this is just a close friend.

That did help and I appreciate it! I'm aware of my feelings coming from being insecure and I try not to worry about it and let go like you said, but sometimes I'll catch myself getting jealous all over again. It's so hard.

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It is hard not trying to say it isn't, I have driven away and pissed off a few women by being too insecure about their feelings for me whether it be friendship or more serious.

The other thing is it can be insulting to the person as well, like you don't believe them or have faith in them to be loyal, kind of like you are saying they are fickle about their friendship with you.

Another factor to keep in mind that might make them walk away or spend less time with you.

I'm happy I helped a little anyway.

It's just as much insecurity in yourself than anyone else. Why would you be nervous (for a lack of a better word) that they'll find others to befriend? Can they not have other friends? Or do you believe that they'll somehow care less for you if they have others to care for as well? That's one of the good parts about friendships. They can be so greatly shared amongst people, and spread evenly at that.

I kinda get where you are coming from. In high school I always felt that my best friend was the "pretty and outgoing" friend. And with that meant that everyone liked her more than me. Everyone wanted to be friends with her, and the only reason why they talked to me, was because I was always around her.

I agree with VanillaCreme on this one. It's insecurity. That is was it was with me.

Later one I found out, that some people liked me more than her. And as awful as it sounds, that is what boosted up my confidence. I also made friends without her which helped a lot.

If you feel clingy, break away a little bit. Go and do some things on your own without her. Go make friends without her. Work on becoming more independent. I think more independence will boost your confidence a little more.

I was in the same boat back in high school, I felt very inferior to my group of friends. I attended a private school where 99% of the girls there were from prominent and rich families. I was in the "poor" category on scholarship and never felt that I fit in. I always thought of my insecurities as just plain old anger, but it was jealousy that they had more than me, and had better prospects and more appeal than me. I didn't have money to buy the trendiest clothes or to get my hair and nails done, to drive a car etc... so my own behaviour actually turned people off my friendship. I became depressed, overly sensitive and defensive a lot of the time and people don't want to hang out with girls like that. Maybe you should keep your distance from her for a while until you can gain a little self confidence. The best way to do that is always try to look your best (even if you feel like crap), think positive thoughts (even if you have to force it), do something to make you feel good about yourself (like joining a gym, doing volunteer stuff, starting a hobby etc)...meet people on your own, smile and try to be happy. It took me a while to make these things a habit, and unfortunately they still do get the better of me, but a positive attitude really does make things a lot better; I do find that positive attracts positive for the most part.

One thing that helped me was to make friends (well, we were dating I suppose) with this person who was jealous and controlling. You understand then what kind of pressure you put on people when you act the way you do.

Although, I can't always help my glum/unpleasant demeanor. I came to terms that I'm not going to be everyone's cup of tea. You still have to continue doing your best to treat people better. It's not all about you.

Hey astraea.

My best friend would be very similar to yours. She's well-known on the anime circuit, which is fairly small and quite new in our country, so most of her friends would be from there. Frankly, I would use the term friends loosely. Mostly they're people she smokes weed with and goes drinking with once in a blue moon. They would mostly be nerdy, grungy types who would consider a girl paying them any interest as some kind of blessing from above.

I was astonished recently when a person we've both known for years confessed to me that my best friend is actually highly disliked on the anime circuit for being obnoxious, socially intrusive and quite bitchy. So my point is, though your best friend may seem like she's a social butterfly, you should observe carefully (a.) the people she's friendly with, (b.) how she behaves around them, and (c.) how often she sees them outside of the convention setting. Does she socialise only with the guys? Is she excessively flirty? Does she capitalise on her feminine qualities (i.e. low-cut tops and short skirts and other revealing clothes) at cons? Ask yourself questions like that.

I hate to sound negative, but I've always found that people who consider themselves as having a lot of friends actually have very little stock in the way of what I would deem "friends" and a lot of shares in what I would deem "casual acquaintances".

Anyway, I hope I've helped in some way.