Make small goals, they said. Be positive, they said...

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Tamaki

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... So I did. I made small goals. I even achieved them. Eat healthier? Did that. Been on a vastly improved diet for months. Stop self-harming? Did that. Haven't picked up a knife in four months. Improved my education? I should be getting my GED in a few weeks if not sooner.

I escaped the tyranny of my mother's house. I moved in with awesome friends. I got my girlfriend back. Never before in my life have I had so much energy, or laughed and smiled on a daily basis.

So why do I feel like I'm about to fall into another deep depression? Why do I just want to sleep all day, stop eating, pick the knife back up again, hide in my room and just ignore everyone? They said "Make small goals", and I did, and I achieved them. So why doesn't it feel good? It feels like a completely hollow victory, something anyone could've done. It feels like no matter how many baby steps I make, it'll never amount to anything larger. I feel like just as big of a failure as ever. I feel inadequate, unwanted, and unloved. I feel like a mistake just as much as I ever did. I had finally started making real progress on my trust and abandonment issues and suddenly for the last few weeks I don't trust any of my dearest friends as far as I can throw them. I started my novel and made it almost to 40,00 words and then just stopped. I feel like I'm not good enough for my girlfriend. About to get my GED, something I had once thought impossible? I don't even care. Whatever.

All of a sudden I feel like I'm about to rapidly slide backwards, and I don't know why. Maybe it's just further proof that I'm worthless. I don't know. I just know I needed to get it off my chest. I wonder what happens now...
 
The baby steps are meant to gain some kind of traction so that someone can find new paths forward. Depression in particular can be sneaky, and it's not easy to eradicate quickly and cleanly. Doesn't mean you're doing anything "wrong" if you don't magically feel better after a few changes and are still having bad days.
 
Depression, much like a broken arm, is a physical problem. A physical problem in the brain, but physical nevertheless. It can be caused by external factors like living with a tyranical mother or not having your girlfriend but it can be something else; I don't think you are worthless for still feeling down. I think you need treatment for an illness you happen to have, an illness that does not give a fresia if you are in a much better situation currently.

I would know. I have a condition in my intestines that is known to cause depression. My life has been the greatest it's ever been even though I am a bit sick, and handling the condition kind of softens the blow of the depression, but there are days and weeks that I just feel down, lonely (even though I am not a people person AND have friends) and worthless.

You should seek professional help and speak up about how you feel. I wish you the best :)
 
Tamaki, firstly I want to congratulate you on achieving your small goals and having done that, improving your life situation.

I know how you feel about having accomplished these little goals and feeling good about them but then only start feeling depressed again. The fact that you feel inadequate, unwanted, unloved and not good enough brings you to the core problem which is deep inside of you. It's not something that can be gone simply with accomplishing several goals. It takes time. I've worked my issues out for years now and the one thing I just cannot get past is the same thing you're having issues with.

According to my previous therapist, it's an issue that is deeply rooted since my childhood days, and the negative conditioning that went on from then till my teenage years is so deeply ingrained that I need to take time and work on this every day, if I wanna get rid of it. There were some exercises she told me to do, it helped, when I continuously did them for a few months, I felt better, but then something happened and I stopped and well, those feelings are still there.

Talking to a therapist helped me, but not entirely since it is my own fault for stopping. But like what Ymir said, you could try seeking some professional help. Sometimes we can't do everything on our own. :\

Good luck, Tamaki. I hope you can get through this and overcome it with time.
 
I agree with Ladyforsaken. You have done so well to have achieved your small goals, though in my eyes these are not small goals but really huge ones. Eating healthily, not self harming, improving your education, leaving a difficult home situation and getting your girlfriend back are really great things to have acheived, and all at the same time too.
But as Ladyforsaken says, your depression is something which can't be solved by acheiving goals. All the achievments in the world won't take away the feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy inside you. Professional help may be what you need to address these issues. I once went along the path of trying to get rid of my feelings of worthlessness by achievements, but it left me feeeling as worthless and empty as ever.
 
I got through the worst of depression and self-harming as well with baby steps, 9 years of therapy and 8 years of meds. I stopped the therapy and meds, too expensive, but I continue with herbal remedies, exercise, positive talk, journalling and eating well, taking vitamins and being outdoors as much as possible. I can say it takes a long time for these little efforts to become effortless. Still though I have been self-harm-free for years now, in times of turmoil and high emotion, that urge resurfaces with a vengeance and I have to fight it with all I have not to do it again. This inner fight I have with myself brings on depression too and it seems like an endless cycle, until one day I don't think about it as much, then things start getting back to what I call normal. We who suffer depression must accept that it is a condition to be managed, and though I wish it were so...I don't think it can be cured.
 
You're certainly not worthless, and feelings/thoughts related to that are just your brain talking to you to take you down. What i believe to be the reason for this progression, is because you don't have a why. It might be - i cannot tell - that your successes are damaging you. You have fixed everything there was to fix, so what then? You stop being hungry for more succes, and slipped away because of it.

You have got to have a why, a reason and motivation behind it. Your why has got to be deeper than you, it is something that is fundamental to your succes. My main why, for example, is my sister. I have to keep going, because of i don't, i know that i will never be a contributor to a more loving and caring world for my sister to live in, as well as making her life happier by being the best person i can be.

Pike Creek said:
We who suffer depression must accept that it is a condition to be managed, and though I wish it were so...I don't think it can be cured.

I also highly disagree with this. I've been suicidal for years but snapped out of it. I know of many other people who used to feel depressed for years and now love living. Don't resign to it, never resign to it, you're stronger than it, trust me. :)
 
ladyforsaken said:
I know how you feel about having accomplished these little goals and feeling good about them but then only start feeling depressed again. The fact that you feel inadequate, unwanted, unloved and not good enough brings you to the core problem which is deep inside of you. It's not something that can be gone simply with accomplishing several goals. It takes time. I've worked my issues out for years now and the one thing I just cannot get past is the same thing you're having issues with.

I too have struggled with some of these same things. I have never physically harmed myself nor have I ever been suicidal. But I've felt a great cloud of inadequacy hanging over my head for most of my life. I've just always felt that I'm just fundamentally not good enough to get what I want in terms of anything really - relationships, money, personal interests and goals, you name it. For example, I have had a lot of creative goals I've daydreamed about for a while. But there is this nagging voice lurking in my head telling me I'll never be talented enough to do them, no matter how hard nor how smart I work. It's the same voice that says I'll never be wealthy nor in a relationship with anyone I actually want, nor ever be interesting and so on.

When I was a kid, I thought I saw proof of inadequacy all the time when I seemingly couldn't do things as well or as quickly as others, such as learning to tie shoes, ride a bike, various sports, drawing, math, etc. I thought that was proof that I was just a runt. Now I don't know. Now I think maybe I just failed once and took it too seriously, so I never tried 100% at anything and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Either way, whenever I try to make big changes or go for something these days, whether it be applying for a job, talking to a girl I like, even drawing or picking up my guitar, I have to fight off this voice that says I'm just going to fail no matter how hard I try because I'm just not strong, smart, creative, attractive, not good enough.

ladyforsaken said:
According to my previous therapist, it's an issue that is deeply rooted since my childhood days, and the negative conditioning that went on from then till my teenage years is so deeply ingrained that I need to take time and work on this every day, if I wanna get rid of it. There were some exercises she told me to do, it helped, when I continuously did them for a few months, I felt better, but then something happened and I stopped and well, those feelings are still there.

If you don't mind telling, how did you go about undoing your negative conditioning? How did your therapist tell you to work on it every day, what were the exercises? I figured I might want to try this myself. I try to journal, though lately I haven't been making the time. And I also try to just take time-outs throughout the day to give myself some positive talk and remind myself that I am as capable as anyone, even the ones that I think have it all, because I am also of this world, I'm also made to survive here. I try to remind myself that instead of wasting thoughts on thinking of failure and how I'm not good enough, I could put that same effort into thinking of solutions and who knows how much better off I'd be.
 
Rosebolt said:
I also highly disagree with this. I've been suicidal for years but snapped out of it. I know of many other people who used to feel depressed for years and now love living. Don't resign to it, never resign to it, you're stronger than it, trust me. :)

I was suicidal for decades and I don't think it's on the forefront anymore so I too have overcome that strong desire, though the thoughts still surface once in a while. I suffer depression but I manage it well and still enjoy life on a daily basis. But I am realistic in my view, that in my case, it won't be cured, just managed. I don't let this reality steer me back to the deep depression at its worst though, I haven't resigned to it, but 40+ years of it is all the proof I need that it isn't getting cured, sure it's gotten better, but it won't go away completely. I'm happy for the people you know who have been cured of it, but I think I will agree to disagree with you in my own case :)
 
Rosebolt said:
You have got to have a why, a reason and motivation behind it. Your why has got to be deeper than you, it is something that is fundamental to your success. My main why, for example, is my sister. I have to keep going, because of i don't, i know that i will never be a contributor to a more loving and caring world for my sister to live in, as well as making her life happier by being the best person i can be.

This is something I'm currently thinking about. For my "why", I'm thinking of my grandmother and my dog. They are both getting old now and I want them to see me get out of my rut, and I want them to see me as a better version of myself than I've been that's on my way somewhere. And when I get out of it and into a newer, happier state, I will have more happiness to share and give back to them.
 
your goals don't sound small to me…

is there maybe something that you have been neglecting, something that your soul is yearning for, and its way of making you notice is this low mood? Is that the right career? the right girlfriend and friends?

this said, it is also possible that depression may be a side effect of something physical, like vitamin D deficiency, sugar intolerance (it sounds crazy but, believe me, it isn't) so maybe there is nothing wrong in your life either.
 
Tamaki said:
All of a sudden I feel like I'm about to rapidly slide backwards, and I don't know why. Maybe it's just further proof that I'm worthless. I don't know. I just know I needed to get it off my chest. I wonder what happens now...

Or maybe it's just proof that you're human. Many of us take steps backwards. It doesn't mean we can't ever step forward again. Never refuse to get back up when you fall. When you do, that is when you fail.
 
TheSkaFish said:
If you don't mind telling, how did you go about undoing your negative conditioning? How did your therapist tell you to work on it every day, what were the exercises? I figured I might want to try this myself. I try to journal, though lately I haven't been making the time. And I also try to just take time-outs throughout the day to give myself some positive talk and remind myself that I am as capable as anyone, even the ones that I think have it all, because I am also of this world, I'm also made to survive here. I try to remind myself that instead of wasting thoughts on thinking of failure and how I'm not good enough, I could put that same effort into thinking of solutions and who knows how much better off I'd be.

^You said it already - positive talk to yourself out loud. My therapist basically told me to spend some time each day, every day, to look in the mirror (full length, if possible) and admire myself, physically and internally. If possible, to talk about every feature of me physically and internally, and compliment on them. And she told me that I should also make sure I'm in the state where I believe what I'm saying to myself and not just saying it for the sake of saying it. I did this for about 3 months and it started to help and make me love myself better. Honestly did. I should probably try it again, but I don't know.. meh.
 
First of all, thanks very much everyone for all the kind words. I confess I wasn't really expecting it. So, thank you.

On the subject of professional help, I think I would probably benefit from it, but the plain and simple fact is, I can't afford it, much as I'd like to give it a shot.

Maybe that is my problem. I don't really have a "why", or any kind of motivation. Because to be perfectly honest, I don't really care about bettering myself or what happens to me in the long run. All these attempts at self-improvement are really just for the sake of other people. Which I guess isn't necessarily the WORST reason to try and improve myself, but lately, it's changed a bit. As I find my trust issues coming back full force, it's gone from "It hurts the people who love me to see me like this. They constantly worry about me and feel bad that they can't seem to help me. I need to work on this." to "If you get depressed enough you will probably end up killing yourself and then these poor people you live with will have to clean up your remains and that blood will never come out of the carpet and that's just rude.". Basically, I just don't want to feel like a burden anymore. I feel like my issues bother people and therefore, I need to get rid of them. That's really what it boils down to.

I don't know. One of my motivations used to be my girlfriend. I wanted to work on my issues, improve, work towards getting my honeysuckle together so maybe we could actually have a chance at building a decent life together. For both of us, not just her. As I feel more and more like I'm not good enough for her though, I feel like no matter how hard I try, I'd never be able to give her the life she deserves, so there's no point in bothering. One of my motivations used to be that I wanted to be an author- same basic thing happened there. I don't think I'll ever be good enough, so there's no point busting my ass trying. So at this point, I'm really not striving towards anything.

TheSkaFish said:
Either way, whenever I try to make big changes or go for something these days, whether it be applying for a job, talking to a girl I like, even drawing or picking up my guitar, I have to fight off this voice that says I'm just going to fail no matter how hard I try because I'm just not strong, smart, creative, attractive, not good enough.

Good lord, you sound like me.
 
I think the question there would be, why would you want to be an author, or why would you want to make your relationship better. Of course, i am fully aware that you can ask why to everything, but i believe it's about having a why that's deeper than yourself, in a way. For example, if you wanted to become an author to educate people, to move people, then that would be a good motivation. Everything would fall away in that case, because all you would want would be to influence people that way.

I'm not sure if this helps, but i hope it does. :)
 
Tamaki said:
Maybe that is my problem. I don't really have a "why", or any kind of motivation. Because to be perfectly honest, I don't really care about bettering myself or what happens to me in the long run. All these attempts at self-improvement are really just for the sake of other people. Which I guess isn't necessarily the WORST reason to try and improve myself, but lately, it's changed a bit. As I find my trust issues coming back full force, it's gone from "It hurts the people who love me to see me like this. They constantly worry about me and feel bad that they can't seem to help me. I need to work on this." to "If you get depressed enough you will probably end up killing yourself and then these poor people you live with will have to clean up your remains and that blood will never come out of the carpet and that's just rude.". Basically, I just don't want to feel like a burden anymore. I feel like my issues bother people and therefore, I need to get rid of them. That's really what it boils down to.

I can only speak for me, but I didn't have motivation to take any steps to help with my situation until I was rid of my family. The things that were said to me came across as terrible guilt trips and only made me resent the family/friends who said them because it proved to me that they truly didn't understand what I was going through. I don't know your situation, if you live alone or still at home, but if you can, some distance and quiet time to think alone might give you some perspective. I know it did for me.

Tamaki said:
I don't know. One of my motivations used to be my girlfriend. I wanted to work on my issues, improve, work towards getting my honeysuckle together so maybe we could actually have a chance at building a decent life together. For both of us, not just her. As I feel more and more like I'm not good enough for her though, I feel like no matter how hard I try, I'd never be able to give her the life she deserves, so there's no point in bothering. One of my motivations used to be that I wanted to be an author- same basic thing happened there. I don't think I'll ever be good enough, so there's no point busting my ass trying. So at this point, I'm really not striving towards anything.

My biggest motivation was to take care of my pets. I decided that nobody else could take care of them as I could, so that pushed me to at least get out of bed every day. But for me, it was a 10 year process to get myself out of the hole. I want to STILL be an author and I am still striving towards that goal; to do that, I'm working on my creativity and concentration again. Depression messes with your cognitive skills and it takes some work and practice to get them functioning again. Another goal that is non-tangible is to be comfortable at home. I finally figured out what I want after 4 decades on this earth...and now I'm trying to surround myself with what is good for ME, not for everyone around me. I think what's most important is, as you were advised, one step at a time. Lofty goals and romantic relationships may not be what you're ready for yet. Functioning daily without it being a mammoth struggle may be the first step you need to conquer, and that, for me, was the biggest step.

Btw, you are certainly not alone - I had to quit therapy because my insurance stopped paying for it, and I can't afford that on my own so I had to take matters into my own hands. It's still a struggle for me at times, and always will be, but I know how to manage it at this point.
 

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