Saying No to a Social Invite

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Case

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Have you ever found yourself feeling really lonely and isolated, and when someone invites you to do something fun, you make up an excuse not to do it?

That happened to me last week. I was feeling lonely, and on a spur-of-the-moment occasion, I got a text requesting me to have dinner with people who are about the only family I have without being biological. But I said I was busy. I said I had a project deadline due. My friend texted back and said, "Come take a break and have dinner with us." And I insisted that my project needed to be completed that evening, so she relented.

Later, I felt so bad about turning her down that I actually finished the project I mentioned to her, which was not actually due that evening. All out of guilt, and also so I could later say that I really did use that time to finish that project.

Why do I push people away when I'm feeling sad and lonely? Shouldn't I jump at the chance to be around people I like in those moments when I despise my isolation? Why would I want to retreat from people I genuinely care about? Maybe it's more than just loneliness. Maybe I'm falling into a depression and I'm only seeing the beginning of it right now.
 
Case said:
Maybe it's more than just loneliness. Maybe I'm falling into a depression and I'm only seeing the beginning of it right now.

Maybe. I've isolated myself from people in the same way due to depression. It's hard to explain why, I just did. It only made things more difficult for me.

Wanting to be alone when you're depressed is understandable, even if you were lonely. Yet you had the willpower and energy to work on your project, so if you are falling into depression, maybe you can still pull yourself out of it. Did you have any good reasons for declining, or did you just not feel like it because you were sad?
 
Locke said:
Did you have any good reasons for declining, or did you just not feel like it because you were sad?

Sometimes I don't feel like I would be good company. Like I would hurt my reputation with them. So I isolate myself. Sometimes I also need a break in order to recharge.

Recently I have been cutting off almost all my friends. I can't tell if I am losing my self and falling into depression OR if I am seeing the light and seeing that they aren't true friends and cutting them off. It seems like the second one. But I admit -- can't tell.
 
Only if it was someone I really didn't want to hang around with, or if it was going to be a large gathering.
 
I do this frequently also. I can't speak for you, but I can explain for myself the contradiction by detailing the last time I said 'Yes' to an invitation.
Basically, I was an absolute mess in regards to comfortability and content. For me, my loneliness is brought on by my being extremely uncomfortable and embarrassed about where I am in life, and the more that I've secluded myself from people the more I want to talk about this. A large part of why I lost my one last friend is because I just can't shut up about how bothered I am about where I'm at in life, and this got on his nerves---
Anyway, the last time I said 'Yes' was to go for a walk with a girl. I hadn't spoken to anyone in months, and sure enough the moment we started walking I launched into this hyperactive, uncomfortable babble about this and that and everything and anything. I talked about things she didn't care about, and I talked about things that I either didn't care about or really shouldn't have been talking about.
I just talked, talked, talked, talked---- and, when it was finally over, and I got back in the car, I felt really, really good :p But the issue is that it was surely an extremely weird, regrettable encounter for the girl, and honestly this has happened just about every time I've talked to people since dropping out of contact some 3 years ago.

I think it's important to just get this uncomfortable re-entry into chatter over with A.S.A.P, but really it won't be much help if you're going to go back to weeks or months (or years) being alone, because you're going to end up repeating the awkward chatter (or uncomfortable silence, as some people do) all over again.
 
Case said:
Have you ever found yourself feeling really lonely and isolated, and when someone invites you to do something fun, you make up an excuse not to do it?

Yes all the time or at least until they give up asking anymore.
 
There was a time back in school days when I tried to make use of every opportunity for socializing I could get...and there weren't many. But shortly afterwards I felt more and more unsatisfied or just plain sad. I was already on my way into depression back then and couldn't shake the feeling that my presence at a place was a real buzzkill to everyone else. I felt out of a place even in the company of friends. So I started declining these offers.

Skip forward a few years. I'm living alone and I'm past the depression. Invites are even rarer than before, but I still decline most of them. Especially when they involve more than one other person. But it wasn't so much about me being a buzzkill. I always tried to force myself out in the open because I thought I had to (being a teenager on the look for a sense of belonging and all that). Nothing good came out of it.

Now I accept only when I feel comfortable with the ensuing situation.

Like Harry Callahan said: "A man's got to know his limitations..."
 
Case said:
Why do I push people away when I'm feeling sad and lonely? Shouldn't I jump at the chance to be around people I like in those moments when I despise my isolation? Why would I want to retreat from people I genuinely care about? Maybe it's more than just loneliness. Maybe I'm falling into a depression and I'm only seeing the beginning of it right now.

I think it is normal to want to be alone sometimes. I think as humans we need to be alone at times to really know ourselves. That being said I think it is healthy to have social encounters and have friendships. I would like to encourage you to check out an online community that I belong to. It is called the lottery of life and it is an online forum website where you are able to share life experiences. They also give away free prizes each week. If you have the time please check it out I think you would be a great contributor and really enjoy it! *link removed*
 
detroit123 said:
I think it is normal to want to be alone sometimes. I think as humans we need to be alone at times to really know ourselves. That being said I think it is healthy to have social encounters and have friendships. I would like to encourage you to check out an online community that I belong to. It is called the lottery of life and it is an online forum website where you are able to share life experiences. They also give away free prizes each week. If you have the time please check it out I think you would be a great contributor and really enjoy it! *link removed*

Four posts, all of which promote another website. Did you join just to make people check out a website that appears to be a forum? Which also enters you in a virtual drawing to win "free" stuff...Which means you'd also have to give your address to people you don't know. I'm not saying it's a scam, but it doesn't exactly sound like it isn't one.
 
Oh dear .. promoting other websites/forums, not quite smart.



On topic: I have and frequently decline social events. I think it also has to do with the fact that, even though you feel isolated, the isolation has a kind of 'safety' which you (un)consciously feel. When going to a(n) (social) event, we temporarily 'leave' that safety behind, thus we feel vulnerable. We decline social events to stay in our safe zone.
 
Locke said:
Did you have any good reasons for declining, or did you just not feel like it because you were sad?

Was it a good reason? Not really. I used my project to avoid being social. My fear is that it is not a healthy pattern for me when I have so few social options. I don't think I should beat myself up for not wanting to be social for one invite, but the danger is saying "No" again, and again, until the invites stop.

AmeNoKo said:
For me, my loneliness is brought on by my being extremely uncomfortable and embarrassed about where I am in life, and the more that I've secluded myself from people the more I want to talk about this.

I can understand this. I am not happy with my own state of living, so maybe that plays a factor in my recent avoidance. Maybe I'm not ready to share with my friends how I really feel. idk

Lowlander said:
I think it also has to do with the fact that, even though you feel isolated, the isolation has a kind of 'safety' which you (un)consciously feel. When going to a(n) (social) event, we temporarily 'leave' that safety behind, thus we feel vulnerable. We decline social events to stay in our safe zone.

You make a good point. Although I rather despise the isolation at times, there's a comfort in knowing that isolation has no surprises for me. If I'm not ready to face the world, it can be preferable, I suppose. I figure that I am identifying the possible start of a pattern that I don't want to see started.
 
Personally I do this pretty much ALL the time. I only participate in social events now because I do it for my bf, if it were up to me, I'd simply say no. He knows how I am and he also knows that I need a good solid day of lazy lounging after we have a social event in order to recover. I actually never felt guilty about saying no because I do not enjoy social situations, I find them emotionally and mentally exhausting. In my teens and early 20's, I used to be the one who desperately tried to get "the gang" together all the time because I felt very lonely and like a loser if I didn't have lots of friends. Now I'm very content to be with my bf or just alone.

But during my transition from desperately needing to be a social butterfly to wanting to be a hermit, there were some times in between where friends asked me to join them on an outing. I would always say no, use work as an excuse, then feel bad and lonely later on too. I can't speak for you, but I think in my case that the guilt I felt was based on my old desperate need to people please in order to get someone to care about me. I wanted someone to love me, yet didn't want to put in the effort because I was dealing with depression too. So...I felt guilty that I let depression get in the way of me having a friend, even though I wasn't up to being social at all...then the guilt...then beating myself up....loneliness again...it was a never ending cycle for a while until I was able to deal with my own problems and stop worrying about being judged for wanting to be a loner.

Don't discount the sadness you're feeling about your friend moving away either. That obvious is hard on you, struggling over that may have pushed you to want to be alone for a while these days in order to deal with those feelings too.
 
the social events I get asked to are piss ups. Or sometimes meals that involve getting pissed.
It is all people I know think about, getting pissed.

Things I would be interested in are, cycling rides, walks in the country, book clubs, film clubs, museums. If asked, I would go to these places.
 
Triple Bogey said:
the social events I get asked to are piss ups. Or sometimes meals that involve getting pissed.
It is all people I know think about, getting pissed.

Things I would be interested in are, cycling rides, walks in the country, book clubs, film clubs, museums. If asked, I would go to these places.

You know, back when I was about 25 years old, I was still holding on to the gang of friends I'd had since high school. I felt I matured a little quicker and wanted all those things you mentioned above while they continued to want to get drunk at bars watching hockey games. I remember once inviting a few friends to a nature park to ride along the bike paths, the views were awesome with lakes and cedar forests...they came, complained the whole time, stopped for cigarette breaks and couldn't wait to get back to the city to get to the bar and watch baseball and drink beer. That was the last time I invited them anywhere.

Sometimes it's very easy to say no to a social event if you get sick of how others spend that time I suppose. But the downside is you probably lose those friends in the end.
 
Pike Creek said:
Triple Bogey said:
the social events I get asked to are piss ups. Or sometimes meals that involve getting pissed.
It is all people I know think about, getting pissed.

Things I would be interested in are, cycling rides, walks in the country, book clubs, film clubs, museums. If asked, I would go to these places.

You know, back when I was about 25 years old, I was still holding on to the gang of friends I'd had since high school. I felt I matured a little quicker and wanted all those things you mentioned above while they continued to want to get drunk at bars watching hockey games. I remember once inviting a few friends to a nature park to ride along the bike paths, the views were awesome with lakes and cedar forests...they came, complained the whole time, stopped for cigarette breaks and couldn't wait to get back to the city to get to the bar and watch baseball and drink beer. That was the last time I invited them anywhere.

Sometimes it's very easy to say no to a social event if you get sick of how others spend that time I suppose. But the downside is you probably lose those friends in the end.

True. I think it's the city where I live that has a lot to do with it. I don't have much in common with people.
 
Triple Bogey said:
True. I think it's the city where I live that has a lot to do with it. I don't have much in common with people.

That was my problem too. When I was 18, yeah, I wanted a party-style life as a rebellion to my overly strict upbringing...but when I grew out of that, I grew into the country girl I am today and I really have nothing in common with any city folks anymore. It's hard to find like-minded people, those who share common interests. I've only found one person (besides my bf) who shares the same interests as me but she lives over 1000km away.

But even here where I live, a very nice neighbour mentioned some kind of music festival going on at the town square, invited us, and although my bf and I love music, we just didn't want the crowds either so we declined, claiming hectic work schedules. I don't feel guilty about that at all. Since I moved from the city, I find people very loud now. I think deep down if you get any apprehension about a social invite, it's best to listen to your instincts and if you have to lie and make up an excuse not to go, so be it.
 
Pike Creek said:
I think deep down if you get any apprehension about a social invite, it's best to listen to your instincts and if you have to lie and make up an excuse not to go, so be it.

I think, aside from my fear that if I continue declining invites they will cease at some point (if they haven't already,) lying to one of my closest friends bothers me more than anything else.
 
Case said:
I think, aside from my fear that if I continue declining invites they will cease at some point (if they haven't already,) lying to one of my closest friends bothers me more than anything else.

I'll be honest, my invites ceased. I had to lie to someone who I considered my best friend, but only because she wouldn't accept no for an answer, so I decided not to feel bad about it. If you're saying no to a very close friend, why not just talk to that friend and voice your situation, a very close friend will surely understand and not hold it against you?
 
it is awkward saying 'no' sometimes.
Somebody at work is 50 a week on Saturday and they are having a surprize party
for her. I have donated some money for her presents.
I got asked today if I was going and I said 'no'
They called me a miserable *******.
I said I don't do parties. Thing is a lot of people are going to be there. Bound to be a complete ******* there. Probably two.
 

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