Still have no clue how to pick them apparently...

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

Niave

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 15, 2014
Messages
297
Reaction score
0
Location
My head
So I've dated since I was about 19 then completely stopped when I was 21 because I was having the worst time with the guys I chose to date. Then I tried again at 23 with this one guy who was seriously disturbed but I was so desperate I ignored all the red flags. I've dated 2 more guys since then but the wrong ones and now I'm 27 still never having been in a relationship. I feel like I have no idea how it happens. Every time is think I can have that with someone things go wrong or I realize this guy isn't going to make me happy. I don't know what I'm doing. I want to experience this so bad that I think I'm still falling for the wrong people. I believe I've gotten better but how could I if I still can't find someone who will give me what I want. Maybe I'm so used to not being with someone that I'll always find a way to ruin things or I'm seriously just messed up. That's the thing, I don't know and it makes me feel crazy. I feel like if given the chance I would be an amazing girlfriend. Like I have so much love to give as cheesy as that sounds but can't find anyone who makes me feel like they truly care about me. There's a guy I'm talking to now but we haven't met yet and he's really sweet but whenever I'm upset over something he doesn't seem to want to make an effort to cheer me up. He just tells me I'm making too big a deal about something and I shouldn't be upset. I guess I just haven't found anyone willing to out up with my crazy side, haha. I honestly feel like it would be worth it because I can be very sweet. :D I haven't "been" with anyone in almost 5 years and I'm worried that it's been so long I'm too scared to let it happen again. I'm so terrified of feeling used or making a mistake that I'll always figure out a way to ruin things for myself whether it's letting insecurities ruin a relationship or picking the wrong people to date.
Omg I wasn't even planning on writing all this. My school semester just started and I can't be so focused on this when I have so much school work. When I get sad over something like this it completely consumes me. Because I'm like that I'm thinking of cutting things off with this guy. Probably best to do it now and not wait till mid-terms or something when it can affect my grades. I'm an extremely sensitive and emotional person and sometimes I really wish I wasn't. Since I'm that way I would never be capable of casual dating or anything. Wish I was it would make things easier.... I hope no one read all that, haha. I'm okay though just lonely in that area. Also I can't believe I wrote all of this from my phone.... I just really needed to vent about this.
 
Niave said:
So I've dated since I was about 19 then completely stopped when I was 21 because I was having the worst time with the guys I chose to date. Then I tried again at 23 with this one guy who was seriously disturbed but I was so desperate I ignored all the red flags. I've dated 2 more guys since then but the wrong ones and now I'm 27 still never having been in a relationship. I feel like I have no idea how it happens. Every time is think I can have that with someone things go wrong or I realize this guy isn't going to make me happy. I don't know what I'm doing. I want to experience this so bad that I think I'm still falling for the wrong people. I believe I've gotten better but how could I if I still can't find someone who will give me what I want. Maybe I'm so used to not being with someone that I'll always find a way to ruin things or I'm seriously just messed up. That's the thing, I don't know and it makes me feel crazy. I feel like if given the chance I would be an amazing girlfriend. Like I have so much love to give as cheesy as that sounds but can't find anyone who makes me feel like they truly care about me. There's a guy I'm talking to now but we haven't met yet and he's really sweet but whenever I'm upset over something he doesn't seem to want to make an effort to cheer me up. He just tells me I'm making too big a deal about something and I shouldn't be upset. I guess I just haven't found anyone willing to out up with my crazy side, haha. I honestly feel like it would be worth it because I can be very sweet. :D I haven't "been" with anyone in almost 5 years and I'm worried that it's been so long I'm too scared to let it happen again. I'm so terrified of feeling used or making a mistake that I'll always figure out a way to ruin things for myself whether it's letting insecurities ruin a relationship or picking the wrong people to date.
Omg I wasn't even planning on writing all this. My school semester just started and I can't be so focused on this when I have so much school work. When I get sad over something like this it completely consumes me. Because I'm like that I'm thinking of cutting things off with this guy. Probably best to do it now and not wait till mid-terms or something when it can affect my grades. I'm an extremely sensitive and emotional person and sometimes I really wish I wasn't. Since I'm that way I would never be capable of casual dating or anything. Wish I was it would make things easier.... I hope no one read all that, haha. I'm okay though just lonely in that area. Also I can't believe I wrote all of this from my phone.... I just really needed to vent about this.

It sounds like you are a very caring person and I am sure that you will find someone when you are least expecting it. Don't force a relationship, if it is meant to be it will happen on its own. I think it's great that you use writing as an outlet. I think it's very important to get your feelings out in some way so that you can reflect. I belong to an online community that people do just this! We write about what's going on in our lives and have discussions amongst members! Not only are we able to write but there are free prizes given out each week. I would like to encourage you to check out the site; *link removed*
 
If you're seeing the red flags in the first place, you have a good starting point. Some people don't even realize when something is "off." You might not be able to control who you bump into initially, but thinking you can't afford to ignore those red flags is going to keep them around and allow them to cause damage. People who are sensitive need to be especially careful that they're not surrounded by toxic people, I think.
 
Thank you, Tealeaf. I really appreciate the response. I think you're right. I just have to figure out how to stop thinking this way. :)
 
really looking forward to hear more comments, as I am in a similar situation…

One thing: you say that you are very sensitive, that often is a bummer because a) crazy guys and jerks LOVE it, because they perceive weakness where instead it's just heightened sensitivity, and b) a large percentage of people will not understand and say "why are you making such a big deal of it".

anyway, fingers crossed that you can soon concentrate on your study and that the universe will drop you a decent guy from the skies, because I believe fate or luck also plays a role (as well as not wasting time with losers, which you don't seem to do, good for you).


detroit123 said:
It sounds like you are a very caring person and I am sure that you will find someone when you are least expecting it. Don't force a relationship, if it is meant to be it will happen on its own. I think it's great that you use writing as an outlet. I think it's very important to get your feelings out in some way so that you can reflect. I belong to an online community that people do just this! We write about what's going on in our lives and have discussions amongst members! Not only are we able to write but there are free prizes given out each week. I would like to encourage you to check out the site; *link removed*

who is this guy?
 
It sounds like me. How about this... do you notice that you let others pick you instead of you picking them. Maybe, and I still haven't gotten the hang of this yet, there is something to the idea of seeking out good candidates rather than just letting "whatever' come to you.
 
I don't have good advice or anything valuable to say but I just wanted to say that I read your post and I'm sorry. :(
Matters related to the heart and emotions are not easy to handle and not easy to be logical and practical about it, so if you decide to cut contact with the guy, I hope you remain strong to get through with it and good luck.

Also, I hope you know that I'm always here to chat and I hope you will feel better soon. May things start looking up for you at the very east. *hugs*
 
It kind of sounds like you're so anxious to find someone that will make you happy, you are willing to give anyone a try. Almost like a "better to be with the wrong guy than be with no guy" type of thing.
I could be completely off base on that, but if you see the red flags and choose to ignore them, that's what it sounds like you're doing.

Never ignore the red flags. You can hold off on doing anything about them for a bit, in case you misinterpret them, but always be very cautious of them. Above all else, protect yourself. If there are red flags that make you uneasy, it's usually best to cut and run.
 
Niave said:
I'm an extremely sensitive and emotional person and sometimes I really wish I wasn't. Since I'm that way I would never be capable of casual dating or anything. Wish I was it would make things easier.... I hope no one read all that, haha. I'm okay though just lonely in that area.

You wish you could be that way and you think it would make things easier but you feel you are too emotional and sensitive to date casually.

I did it against my will because I felt I was being controlled by society's social norms to stay a "good girl" and I decided I didn't like being controlled anymore.

In retrospect I'm happier without those shackles of the mind.
 
I feel like giving the same precursor as ladyf because I'm not sure I have an answer. Nevertheless, I thought a genuine male perspective might help. And I sense common ground, as I find myself very emotionally tuned.

The brightside to see is that emotion means passion, so you're more likely to have a deeper connection when you find the right dude. It's definitely a recipe for heavier heartaches when connections go astray, but I prefer to see my sensitivity as a greater potential for a life well felt.

Also, no relationship is a failure. Even the ones that end are positive because they teach us about ourselves, refining our outlook for future candidates. (This doesn't include abusive or demeaning relationships though - no one deserves to settle for that.) People may say I've been unsuccessful in love because women have come & gone and I'm single, but I say quite the opposite: I'm wildly successful because I know better what love I can give & receive.

Bottomline: head-up high Ms. N. You're life has more potential because of your emotional roots, and no one knows how to pick the right ones outright (most never do). We learn. And you will.
 
Niave said:
So I've dated since I was about 19 then completely stopped when I was 21 because I was having the worst time with the guys I chose to date. Then I tried again at 23 with this one guy who was seriously disturbed but I was so desperate I ignored all the red flags. I've dated 2 more guys since then but the wrong ones and now I'm 27 still never having been in a relationship. I feel like I have no idea how it happens. Every time is think I can have that with someone things go wrong or I realize this guy isn't going to make me happy. I don't know what I'm doing. I want to experience this so bad that I think I'm still falling for the wrong people. I believe I've gotten better but how could I if I still can't find someone who will give me what I want. Maybe I'm so used to not being with someone that I'll always find a way to ruin things or I'm seriously just messed up. That's the thing, I don't know and it makes me feel crazy. I feel like if given the chance I would be an amazing girlfriend. Like I have so much love to give as cheesy as that sounds but can't find anyone who makes me feel like they truly care about me. There's a guy I'm talking to now but we haven't met yet and he's really sweet but whenever I'm upset over something he doesn't seem to want to make an effort to cheer me up. He just tells me I'm making too big a deal about something and I shouldn't be upset. I guess I just haven't found anyone willing to out up with my crazy side, haha. I honestly feel like it would be worth it because I can be very sweet. :D I haven't "been" with anyone in almost 5 years and I'm worried that it's been so long I'm too scared to let it happen again. I'm so terrified of feeling used or making a mistake that I'll always figure out a way to ruin things for myself whether it's letting insecurities ruin a relationship or picking the wrong people to date.
Omg I wasn't even planning on writing all this. My school semester just started and I can't be so focused on this when I have so much school work. When I get sad over something like this it completely consumes me. Because I'm like that I'm thinking of cutting things off with this guy. Probably best to do it now and not wait till mid-terms or something when it can affect my grades. I'm an extremely sensitive and emotional person and sometimes I really wish I wasn't. Since I'm that way I would never be capable of casual dating or anything. Wish I was it would make things easier.... I hope no one read all that, haha. I'm okay though just lonely in that area. Also I can't believe I wrote all of this from my phone.... I just really needed to vent about this.

There are so many people in the same boat. I'm HIGHLY emotional and EXTREMELY sensitive - but not just on the negative side...I admit that my reactions to criticism and rejection are far more intense than most...but my love and passion are just as intense. When things started to get serious with my bf, I told him honestly about myself and I know that he still has trouble "dealing" with me at times, but he says he would never want me to change. It wasn't like that with other men who were too afraid of my emotions so I had to let them go. I will never develop a thick skin, so I don't even try. You mentioned this guy you never met...I'm assuming it's long distance? I dated a guy long distance who pulled the disappearing act when I needed to talk about a problem, or he dismissed me also by saying to "toughen up"...you need to be able to count on someone to be considerate and caring, so listen to your instincts, they are always right when it comes to red flags.

I think as LonelySutton said, seeking out candidates for relationships is a good way of seeing dating. You don't want just anyone. This sounds cold, but dating is kind of like a job interview if your goal is a relationship! :) That's why I liked internet dating because the serious guys were clear in their profiles about wanting long term dating. Chatting back and forth lets you get to know a person, then in person you can see if they misrepresented themselves or not. It takes courage to date for some people...it did for me, it was very scary, but I had to force myself to work on it full-time and it took me nearly a year of that to find someone who was my match.

As for the "having not been with someone for almost 5 years"...honey, I was there for 3x that and then some! I had the same fears as you, but once it happens, you lose those anxieties, so try not to let that make you more anxious! Trust me, the things we THINK a guy will notice about us in the sack...we build up a lot of unnecessary anxieties for ourselves that way and we shouldn't...I had insecurities about sex after a long hiatus and what helped me what getting in better shape, dressing very feminine and taking extra care of my looks, that helped my confidence a lot.

I think it's great that you want to focus on school, you're never too old to start dating again, remember that. I started again at 44.
 
School week is finally over so I can reply to my own thread, lol. Also, I didn't realize more people had replied to it till a few days ago. :D

Peaches said:
really looking forward to hear more comments, as I am in a similar situation…

One thing: you say that you are very sensitive, that often is a bummer because a) crazy guys and jerks LOVE it, because they perceive weakness where instead it's just heightened sensitivity, and b) a large percentage of people will not understand and say "why are you making such a big deal of it".

anyway, fingers crossed that you can soon concentrate on your study and that the universe will drop you a decent guy from the skies, because I believe fate or luck also plays a role (as well as not wasting time with losers, which you don't seem to do, good for you).

You know I never really thought of that. I think my intense emotions are odd to people sometimes but this does make sense to me. Hopefully I'll learn to be better at finding the right people someday. I wish you luck too because I've always liked you on here. You seem great and you make me laugh.
Peaches said:
detroit123 said:
It sounds like you are a very caring person and I am sure that you will find someone when you are least expecting it. Don't force a relationship, if it is meant to be it will happen on its own. I think it's great that you use writing as an outlet. I think it's very important to get your feelings out in some way so that you can reflect. I belong to an online community that people do just this! We write about what's going on in our lives and have discussions amongst members! Not only are we able to write but there are free prizes given out each week. I would like to encourage you to check out the site; *link removed*

who is this guy?
I'm sure this was meant to be funny because it made me Lol xD

LonelySutton said:
It sounds like me. How about this... do you notice that you let others pick you instead of you picking them. Maybe, and I still haven't gotten the hang of this yet, there is something to the idea of seeking out good candidates rather than just letting "whatever' come to you.

I don't really meet people in a normal way so I usually do the picking. :/

ladyforsaken said:
I don't have good advice or anything valuable to say but I just wanted to say that I read your post and I'm sorry. :(
Matters related to the heart and emotions are not easy to handle and not easy to be logical and practical about it, so if you decide to cut contact with the guy, I hope you remain strong to get through with it and good luck.

Also, I hope you know that I'm always here to chat and I hope you will feel better soon. May things start looking up for you at the very east. *hugs*
I cut it and didn't remain strong. I don't know what I'm doing but you're just wonderful. <3

TheRealCallie said:
It kind of sounds like you're so anxious to find someone that will make you happy, you are willing to give anyone a try. Almost like a "better to be with the wrong guy than be with no guy" type of thing.
I could be completely off base on that, but if you see the red flags and choose to ignore them, that's what it sounds like you're doing.

Never ignore the red flags. You can hold off on doing anything about them for a bit, in case you misinterpret them, but always be very cautious of them. Above all else, protect yourself. If there are red flags that make you uneasy, it's usually best to cut and run.
That's true and not true at the same time. It's hard to explain because I think that I don't let my desperation to find someone fog up my common sense too much but recently I dated someone who I thought was the most amazing guy but when I stopped seeing him I realized that even though he treated me well he was one of the worst guys for me. I'm weird. I don't ignore the red flags on purpose or maybe I do. I hold on to those wonderful moments and refuse to believe the bad ones are real sometimes.

stork_error said:
You wish you could be that way and you think it would make things easier but you feel you are too emotional and sensitive to date casually.

I did it against my will because I felt I was being controlled by society's social norms to stay a "good girl" and I decided I didn't like being controlled anymore.

In retrospect I'm happier without those shackles of the mind.

I wish I had your guts. I often dream of doing this but I don't know how. I was recently called a good girl by someone I used to date and I just didn't like the sound of it. I told him I was just a girl. I was raised to think that my value was defined by my good girl status. I no longer believe this but it's hard to completely get rid of what I was made to believe for most of my life.

barky said:
I feel like giving the same precursor as ladyf because I'm not sure I have an answer. Nevertheless, I thought a genuine male perspective might help. And I sense common ground, as I find myself very emotionally tuned.

The brightside to see is that emotion means passion, so you're more likely to have a deeper connection when you find the right dude. It's definitely a recipe for heavier heartaches when connections go astray, but I prefer to see my sensitivity as a greater potential for a life well felt.

Also, no relationship is a failure. Even the ones that end are positive because they teach us about ourselves, refining our outlook for future candidates. (This doesn't include abusive or demeaning relationships though - no one deserves to settle for that.) People may say I've been unsuccessful in love because women have come & gone and I'm single, but I say quite the opposite: I'm wildly successful because I know better what love I can give & receive.

Bottomline: head-up high Ms. N. You're life has more potential because of your emotional roots, and no one knows how to pick the right ones outright (most never do). We learn. And you will.
I love your positivity! Sometimes I hate how emotional I am but then if I wasn't I wouldn't feel as good as I do during my high times. So maybe it is worth. Still learning.
Muchas Gracias for the reply senior barky. :)

Pike Creek said:
There are so many people in the same boat. I'm HIGHLY emotional and EXTREMELY sensitive - but not just on the negative side...I admit that my reactions to criticism and rejection are far more intense than most...but my love and passion are just as intense. When things started to get serious with my bf, I told him honestly about myself and I know that he still has trouble "dealing" with me at times, but he says he would never want me to change. It wasn't like that with other men who were too afraid of my emotions so I had to let them go. I will never develop a thick skin, so I don't even try. You mentioned this guy you never met...I'm assuming it's long distance? I dated a guy long distance who pulled the disappearing act when I needed to talk about a problem, or he dismissed me also by saying to "toughen up"...you need to be able to count on someone to be considerate and caring, so listen to your instincts, they are always right when it comes to red flags.

I think as LonelySutton said, seeking out candidates for relationships is a good way of seeing dating. You don't want just anyone. This sounds cold, but dating is kind of like a job interview if your goal is a relationship! :) That's why I liked internet dating because the serious guys were clear in their profiles about wanting long term dating. Chatting back and forth lets you get to know a person, then in person you can see if they misrepresented themselves or not. It takes courage to date for some people...it did for me, it was very scary, but I had to force myself to work on it full-time and it took me nearly a year of that to find someone who was my match.

As for the "having not been with someone for almost 5 years"...honey, I was there for 3x that and then some! I had the same fears as you, but once it happens, you lose those anxieties, so try not to let that make you more anxious! Trust me, the things we THINK a guy will notice about us in the sack...we build up a lot of unnecessary anxieties for ourselves that way and we shouldn't...I had insecurities about sex after a long hiatus and what helped me what getting in better shape, dressing very feminine and taking extra care of my looks, that helped my confidence a lot.

I think it's great that you want to focus on school, you're never too old to start dating again, remember that. I started again at 44.

I often think about how I need to change and toughen up but your reply made me think I should just accept myself this way. It would make it a lot easier for me becaue I have no clue how to toughen up. I'm so glad you finally made it out of the notgettingany club. I feel like I'm wasting so much time being afraid. Thank you for the reply. It lifted my spirits. :)
 
I probably rank high up in the relationship drought sweepstakes.
If you really want to know what it is like... how it feels, try wearing thru this timeline
Age 14-24 efforts to try and meet girls. ask them out, etc. Nothing but rejection.
Age 25 - first experience having a girl fall for me. Ended by her a few months later.
Age 37 - met someone who ended up being a good / close friend with benefits. Lasted around 8-9 months. ended mutually when she moved overseas.
Age 38 - met someone on-line. Long distance relationship over 4 years (whittled down to about 1 month spent together in person). Mutually ended
Age 49 1/2 - 50 met two different ladies. 1st met via on-line contact. Over the course of getting to know each other, she ultimately convinced me that we would at long last enjoy the hopes, wishes and dreams we wanted for each other. Promises were vowed, but often delayed by her inertia. Meanwhile, 2nd woman i had met in passing a few years earlier; we reconnected and became very close. She also felt that we were perfect and she had finally found someone after a long search. But she lived two lives - She lied to me (cheating with on / off ex BF + several other friends w benefits guys, I truly had no idea). 1st woman again promised that things happen for a reason and it was for the best, because now we could finally meet at long last. Wrong. She, too, turned out to be a complete and total fraud. I've never carried around hatrid, but this time, it really affected me to that end. i know it isn't good, but I do blame myself.
Now: 51 - with no confidence and self esteem literally obliterated, I find myself either numb, or trying to keep it all together, while wondering why I even bother hoping that will meet a kindred soul someday. Time is running out.

I'd take a 5 year or even 20 year lapse to the bank if it guaranteed that I would have found someone to share my life with by now.
Despite what eternal optimists may say, there simply is NOT someone "out there" for everyone. There are those of us who just, for some reason, do not have the luck and fortune that others possess. That is the lesson I've learned.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top