cryingcloud
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- Joined
- May 21, 2011
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So, a few months ago (around the end of March) I made the decision to move in with my friend's family. Before, I was living with my grandparents in a different state. It was the state where I attended my first college, but didn't continue there after the first semester. My mom also lives there (with my grandparents) It was the four of us...but hell for me. I was 19 and stuck in house with over bearing (but very loving) parents..and yes, I mean all 3. The thing was, my grandparents treated me as if I was 12. I had no social life, or stimulation, all I saw everyday was the four walls that surrounded me. Needless to say, it wasn't ideal for me, and I was VERY unhappy, I was crying every night, I felt really alone. All my "friends" from the college I went to there, deserted me. The only friend I had was the one back in my hometown, 500 miles away. We skyped every now and again, but it wasn't enough. I wanted to go out, be around people my age and have a good time, be more independent. Then, I got the invite to come live with her, and I took it. I lived with her and her family for 5 months. Some things got better, others got worse. We ended up arguing all the time. It basically tore us apart. We've been best friends since we were 14. (when we met) A few weeks ago, she told me to leave, so I did. I got my own room to rent, and its been going okay, I commute to a school and have a job, and I'm still in the process of trying to volunteer. In the back of my head, this fight bothered me, not that I was "sad" but more afraid. When you spend a significant amount of your life with someone, it's scary to picture yourself without them, especially after being inseparable. (we were nick-named the Dynamic-Duo) Though I felt bad about how things went down, I couldn't help but feel..."free". Free in a way that this whole time we've been friends, she has been...the "dominant" one I guess you could say. It kind of felt like I broke through the chains. She always had some hold on me and LOVED being in control. EX: She had a thing about being the driver, if we were going somewhere together, we either had to take her car, or if I wanted to take mine, she HAD to drive...even though it's my car. She's pretty selfish when it comes to considering others' feelings. She would often invite other people to events we planned for the two of us without telling me, leaving me pretty uncomfortable. Mostly because she acts different towards me when around others' as if I become less important to her. It becomes pretty obvious the way she doesn't bother to talk to me, or if she does, it's brief or something (for lack of better words) bitchy. She also tries to control how much I drink (if alcohol is involved) as if she had some authority over me. She's very defensive, so it's impossible to talk to her about these issues. (Many times, I've tried.) So this whole moving out on my own thing, has been one big head-ache and I ended up crying a few times under the pressure, but all in all, the feeling of breaking free has been euphoric. A couple days ago, she ended up texting me, after not talking to each other for about 2 weeks. She said, "I miss you" and we ended up hanging out the next day like nothing ever happened...but the thing is, something DID happen, and I don't know how to ignore it. Our last fight was baaaaaad and she said really mean things to me that basically involved a lot of cussing and name calling. She even had the audacity to call me a bad friend. I know that I'm not, but she didn't take it back in her text message. After I hung out with her the other day, driving back to my place I felt like I let myself down. I don't know if it was because I'm going against fate, or what...but I wasn't happy with myself. I'm just really confused right now.
