mrfranky17
New member
- Joined
- Sep 9, 2014
- Messages
- 3
- Reaction score
- 0
9/9/2014
Its always the same feeling every day. I wake up feeling, what is there to look forward too. Its not like I have any thoughts in ending it all. I just dont have the courage for that, plus I already struck out attempting. maybe I guess you can call it an intervaention from fate itself, or who knows..Maybe him. So what is there to do, but the same routine on a continues basis. Wake up, go to work, zone out, come back home and just...wait to go to sleep. I can say i only have a handful of friends who I see once in a while, but even then I dont feel like going out. whats then use. Im always ranting about doing fun and exciting things, things that are way out of my comfort zone. But nobody is there when I call upon them. I just dont know whatg to do. I look at my clasmates from highschool and I feel like they have accompished so much, and here I am with nothing to show for. Why must I treat it like a contest, why must I prove to others that my life is worth living. I just want someone to be curious of my life. I dont seek attention, but I do seek companionship. Whether its a romantic one, or just a platonic companion...I just need someone. Someone that randomly textes me, someone who I dont have to hide my hobbies and likes from. One I can freely enjoy an album with, to talk about shows no one else would expects us to watch. I have a girlfriend, or so it seems that I do. But even with her, I feel thats she doesnt even know me. Yes the love is there, or thats what I atleast like to think. The obvious is there, that I need to end our relationship. Its turning more into a one sided relationship. But she always does what shes good at. She strains at my heart and causes me to rethink it. When she does I feel like tearing my chest out and ripping out my heart to stop this. This is whats casuing me to not break up. Just the tought of not being with her...is what gets me. But then I have a curse, I analyze things from a perspective of truth. The fact I cant leave her, leads me to not sleep at times. I just stay up. Solving, analying, conemplating and I begin having conversation with my other self. My logical self. I can only see things as equations, simple equations that can be solve. You eliminate the variable and replace it with an integer that can solve the equation...Is it that simple? I try to tell her simple ways of solving things that are keeping us from forging our relationship to be a stronger one. But sometimes I feel like she likes it where its at. Everytime I want to talk she never understand my straight forward logic. I only get to her, when its a convinience to her. I know our relationship isnt healthy, and like a plague its eating away at my sense of caring. The equation is there for happiness. Me minus her equals happiness. But does it?? No...if I remove her from my equations, I know I will be worse of than what i am. I guess what i am trying to say is...I dont want to be alone...Im a hypocrite, speaking of what has to be done to other individuals...But when it comes to me, I cant follow. Its rather simple no... remove whats hurting you? But how can i remove it, when its the same thing giving me joy. I try to forget this pain of the unknown. "What ifs" riddles my brain. Maybe I should...I cant...I just cant, I cant, I cant, I cant. I cant start over. It sounds like Im just whining doesnt it. It sounds like I just need to remove the clouds over my heads and look intot he horizon.....I know....I know....I have never been the cool type. Im simply average. I dont have the social skill of making fun friends...But is that what i yearn for...Do I need more friends. What for, they will just cause me problems.More friends will just mean more possibility of me getting betrayed and tricked. Everyone is out for their own benefits. Unfortunelty I do not trust easily. I cannot see the good nature in people first. Unknown individuals to me dont owe me anything, nor do I them back. Its an ongoing routine.......optimism doesnt work anymore. I need to change, but things always drag me back.
Its always the same feeling every day. I wake up feeling, what is there to look forward too. Its not like I have any thoughts in ending it all. I just dont have the courage for that, plus I already struck out attempting. maybe I guess you can call it an intervaention from fate itself, or who knows..Maybe him. So what is there to do, but the same routine on a continues basis. Wake up, go to work, zone out, come back home and just...wait to go to sleep. I can say i only have a handful of friends who I see once in a while, but even then I dont feel like going out. whats then use. Im always ranting about doing fun and exciting things, things that are way out of my comfort zone. But nobody is there when I call upon them. I just dont know whatg to do. I look at my clasmates from highschool and I feel like they have accompished so much, and here I am with nothing to show for. Why must I treat it like a contest, why must I prove to others that my life is worth living. I just want someone to be curious of my life. I dont seek attention, but I do seek companionship. Whether its a romantic one, or just a platonic companion...I just need someone. Someone that randomly textes me, someone who I dont have to hide my hobbies and likes from. One I can freely enjoy an album with, to talk about shows no one else would expects us to watch. I have a girlfriend, or so it seems that I do. But even with her, I feel thats she doesnt even know me. Yes the love is there, or thats what I atleast like to think. The obvious is there, that I need to end our relationship. Its turning more into a one sided relationship. But she always does what shes good at. She strains at my heart and causes me to rethink it. When she does I feel like tearing my chest out and ripping out my heart to stop this. This is whats casuing me to not break up. Just the tought of not being with her...is what gets me. But then I have a curse, I analyze things from a perspective of truth. The fact I cant leave her, leads me to not sleep at times. I just stay up. Solving, analying, conemplating and I begin having conversation with my other self. My logical self. I can only see things as equations, simple equations that can be solve. You eliminate the variable and replace it with an integer that can solve the equation...Is it that simple? I try to tell her simple ways of solving things that are keeping us from forging our relationship to be a stronger one. But sometimes I feel like she likes it where its at. Everytime I want to talk she never understand my straight forward logic. I only get to her, when its a convinience to her. I know our relationship isnt healthy, and like a plague its eating away at my sense of caring. The equation is there for happiness. Me minus her equals happiness. But does it?? No...if I remove her from my equations, I know I will be worse of than what i am. I guess what i am trying to say is...I dont want to be alone...Im a hypocrite, speaking of what has to be done to other individuals...But when it comes to me, I cant follow. Its rather simple no... remove whats hurting you? But how can i remove it, when its the same thing giving me joy. I try to forget this pain of the unknown. "What ifs" riddles my brain. Maybe I should...I cant...I just cant, I cant, I cant, I cant. I cant start over. It sounds like Im just whining doesnt it. It sounds like I just need to remove the clouds over my heads and look intot he horizon.....I know....I know....I have never been the cool type. Im simply average. I dont have the social skill of making fun friends...But is that what i yearn for...Do I need more friends. What for, they will just cause me problems.More friends will just mean more possibility of me getting betrayed and tricked. Everyone is out for their own benefits. Unfortunelty I do not trust easily. I cannot see the good nature in people first. Unknown individuals to me dont owe me anything, nor do I them back. Its an ongoing routine.......optimism doesnt work anymore. I need to change, but things always drag me back.
