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stork_error

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I cant bring myself to go out and get contracts because of the most ridiculous reason.

I believe that Im so bitter that if i make efforts and try to get one… and if its given to somebody else who i know totally sucks, then it will increase my anger and i will be more upset than i am now

And i will then know that the only reason that they got it is because they are better at being full of honeysuckle and manipulating and coning people… which will then fuel my beliefs that job skill means nothing and that political skill is everything.

And i dont like this, i really really dont like this. I'ts a reality that kills me and i dont want to face it

So instead I sit on the computer all day, posting on this website, going into debt instead of getting a life.

Im just too angry to be let down, and if it happens, i cant guarantee i wont loose it on somebody.

So instead, i do nothing because that way i still have hope. I have hope because i can still believe that im not getting clients because im simply not trying. But.. if I try, and loose to some incompetent goofus, then i will be soooooooooo angry.

And even when i try to do something, like search out potential clients, and organize flyers and marketing stuff to send, I become soo overwhelmed when i see who actually has some of the clients, that i have an anxiety attack because these basterds have them and i don't… and they really truly suck and i don't… but

They are great cons, great bullies and great ********.And they were great at making themselves the winner by devious ways

The anxiety whenever I try to get it together just paralyses me. How on earth can I get it together when i cant even think of this reality without going blank. The anger makes me so angry I seriously cannot think. I can sit at the computer staring at the same flyer for hours on end and accomplish nothing, sending it to nowhere.

Its like I have job ptsd… I simply cant function when I think about it, I just cant, but somehow I have to, or I will loose everything.
Sometimes I feel like giving up and just getting a job at Walmart.

So, What should i do? Get a job at Walmart? Or should I pay somebody to do my contract searching and sending for me so that "what I don't know cant hurt me", or should I just give up and die? I really don't have money to pay somebody, it will just put me in more debt. Maybe if i get drunk I could do it? But it probably wouldn't be very good.

Sigh, I'm going down.:(
 
I really empathize with you. This sounds a lot like me. Instead of contracts though, it's relationships. I get so mad when I lose a girl I like, or more accurately the chance of a girl I like, to a piece of honeysuckle. I get so angry, and it makes me think that being a good, intelligent person who gets along with them means nothing, and having a "tough guy" "outlaw" "rebel" image and attitude is everything. And when I get mad, I can't think clearly either.

So I just sit and complain and hope they fail and hope the girls come back instead of thinking of what I need to do in order to become a more interesting, attractive guy, thinking of how I can do the things that are my only chance at getting them back. I get so angry, and I can't get it together when I'm mad and when I feel that it doesn't matter what I do.

It also takes away the energy that I need to be spending on things like job applications or my hobbies, the things that I say I'd like to do and dream about and hope that I can get good enough to replace boring day jobs with.

I'm constantly bombarded by thoughts of giving up and accepting being poor, boring, and single or with someone I don't really like as my lot in life, but I can't give up though. And I don't think you should either. Working at Walmart will only make you hate life more, and only further push you into anger and despair.

We have to try and push ourselves to do the smallest possible thing towards getting out of this pit. I'm trying to take 15 minutes today to just clear my head before pressing on to what I need to do. Maybe give that a try.

To repeat something I saw on my Facebook, "Slow down, take a rest, crawl if you have to. Just don't give up."
 
stork_error said:
I believe that Im so bitter that if i make efforts and try to get one… and if its given to somebody else who i know totally sucks, then it will increase my anger and i will be more upset than i am now And i will then know that the only reason that they got it is because they are better at being full of honeysuckle and manipulating and coning people… which will then fuel my beliefs that job skill means nothing and that political skill is everything.

I feel exactly the same. I am so angry and bitter right now, I can't even have an interview without it all showing through.

2004 I got my current job. Before that job I had no problem at all getting a job. I had great references. And when times were tough I had a few tricks that I used to get the job. I felt confident. Then I started working with my current boss. I never saw it coming. It is completely like an abusive relationship. First step... operation isolate Sutton. Keep her so busy with insane busy work that she has no time to have lunch with friends, respond to them, talk to them.. and not be generally angry. Operation... make sure Sutton cannot dress nice. Insist on Sutton doing projects that involve tons of walking, and dirty files so each of her outfits get destroyed and when she gets plantar facitis from your insistence on long walk in heels -- be totally unsympathetic.

Begin operation talk crap about Sutton... soon Sutton will get smart and leave the job... so spend 2 years suggesting to anyone that will listen that there is something wrong with Sutton. Don't tell Sutton anything and then when Sutton shows up confused... let people assume Sutton has memory problems.

Sutton foolishly starts applying for jobs. Though Sutton is insanely qualified, job after job goes south. People can't quite justify this and start making suggestions about interviewing style. Suggesting that you should practice with someone else. Jobs come up that require a degree, your the only candidate with the degree and they still hire someone without the degree. Soon everyone is mad and frustrated with you. After all it has to be something YOU are doing.

With each rejection and suggestions I am more angry and bitter. I should be getting these jobs and people should be pulling managers aside on my behalf and saying -- what the F*** but they won't. I am currently known as the "disgruntled" employee and as such, anyone can be unreasonable and take me to task for anything.. who is going to believe the disgruntled employee.

So you say.. leave? Nope... that will only give them what they want.

The last person who rejected me feels NO embarrassment at all at asking me to help her -- instead of the person she hired -- and e-mailing me questions and if I give her any push back...I am some crazy bitter girl. No, how will I ever get a job if I give my expertise away to the person who didn't hire me. Things would be SO much easier if you just hired me. But no you want the best of all worlds... F**** you.
 
Stork, I am in a similar situation, in some weeks I am going to lose my job and I have panic attacks about my capabilities of finding another job, I am depressed and not in good health but I won't be able to get any benefits, and I can't even go into debt (which I guess is a good thing). Not sure what to say though, at the moment I don't have any wisdom to share, only my feelings.
 
ska, i like that line, ill try to think on it, but for the most part ive given up.
Sutton, i hear you loud and clear, Im in the same shoes my friend. Sometimes i read your story and swear its me talking.
Peaches, lets get drunk.
 
stork_error said:
ska, i like that line, ill try to think on it, but for the most part ive given up.

Thanks, but it's not mine. I saw in on a friend's page. I know it's tough. I struggle with the same idea all the time. It's really draining trying to do these job applications all the time for jobs I don't even have any real interest in doing. I just need the money, and can't afford to retrain at anything right now, let alone anything I actually would want to learn. And all the while, I'm completely failing with any relationship prospects I have, that once seemed so warm and sweet to me. In addition to other stuff that's been going on in my life. I'm a wreck. I haven't had consistent hope in a long time. But I know quitting won't lead to the life I want so keeping going, even slowly, is my only choice.
 
Tried to get drunk this eve, not only it didn't help but now panic is worse, 6 am and I can't sleep...
 
Peaches said:
Tried to get drunk this eve, not only it didn't help but now panic is worse, 6 am and I can't sleep...

Peach, I hope you are ok and made it to work.

I would have picked up some raspberry ice wine but i really don't want to be putting booze on my credit card. I simply cant afford that.

Geez, i cant afford to get drunk. I guess this is how the drug companies make money. The rich pay for alcohol and the poor get benzodiazepine.

Or maybe i should try an antidepressant that has been proven in trials to be no better than placebo.

Yes, an antidepressant will pay my rent and get me out of debt. And it will change how I perceive things when I'm on the street and in the cold.
 
Peaches said:
Stork, I am in a similar situation, in some weeks I am going to lose my job and I have panic attacks about my capabilities of finding another job, I am depressed and not in good health but I won't be able to get any benefits,

Peaches, I am sorry to hear that. You aren't in the USA right? I am going to give you my greatest hits in the hopes that it will be helpful. I might have mentioned it before.

a. find a small company / one person organization... and ask to work for free for a set period of time. 6 weeks. If, then, they don't want to hire you.. they will give you a good reference. If they do, you have a job. Frankly, I did this and they hired me because they were too lazy, chicken not to and I was then a going concern in their business.

b. The older generation is getting older and where I live, there is a great need for at home caretakers. It isn't like a nursing home. My mom had a person who came once per week to get her groceries and do things around the house. It was paid for my the government.

c. Can you get a roommate? Even if you don't have the room... some people just like living with someone else and will sleep on the couch. There are airlines staff that actually pay for these horrible crash pads.. there are all kind of apps to this effect.

d. In America there is like a program that hooks people up for odd jobs. It is called "task rabbit" .. maybe there is something like that for you. Cat sitting... dog sitting... running errands... you would be shocked and how much work there is.

I don't know about the benefits... {{}} I really feel for you and know exactly the terror as I am facing down that barrel.
 
Maybe the three of us can start a first wives club…

hmm, except that we'd have to be married first in order to get divorced.
 
stork_error said:
Yes, an antidepressant will pay my rent and get me out of debt. And it will change how I perceive things when I'm on the street and in the cold.

I've been told something to the effect of "needing a psychiatrist/medication" before. I also feel that taking pills to solve mental problems is nonsense. We aren't crazy. We just don't know how to solve our real-world problems and it's getting frustrating the longer the problems go on. I don't want to learn to change my perception of the problem and accept it. I want to conquer it and actually feel good because I enjoy my life. So I agree with you. Don't take that pharmaceutical crap.

Anyway. What are you in the business of? What are the nature of these contracts you're trying to get? How do you get exposure? Maybe you're not reaching the kind of clients you need to thrive.
 
TheSkaFish said:
Anyway. What are you in the business of? What are the nature of these contracts you're trying to get? How do you get exposure? Maybe you're not reaching the kind of clients you need to thrive.

Its sort of complicated, I can pm you. My problem is not knowing where the clients are, or reaching them, its dealing with the slander of others who want the same contract.
 
stork_error said:
Its sort of complicated, I can pm you. My problem is not knowing where the clients are, or reaching them, its dealing with the slander of others who want the same contract.

By all means, send me a message. I'm just always curious about people who go into business for themselves. How did you get the idea to do that business, anyway? Long-time interest, or did you just see a need that was going unmet?
 
TheSkaFish said:
stork_error said:
Its sort of complicated, I can pm you. My problem is not knowing where the clients are, or reaching them, its dealing with the slander of others who want the same contract.

By all means, send me a message. I'm just always curious about people who go into business for themselves. How did you get the idea to do that business, anyway? Long-time interest, or did you just see a need that was going unmet?

Long time interest i suppose, certainly not an unmet need. its complicated. If you Pm me any person questions and i can answer whatever you would like to know.
 

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