Any hope to find my "type" is practically nonexistent...

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edgecrusher

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What do you do when your type is likely so rare that you feel that it is likely you will never find someone? I am 32 and have never known what to do with myself. I basically just sort of drift through life. I have no idea what comes after this life but I have no reason to expect that there is anything so I feel like if I can't find what to do with myself it would be great to have someone to drift with. I feel like if I can't find that, then what am I doing? I am just existing.

I want a deep, intimate and legitimate connection. A nerdy gamer girl who also does not want kids and is in no way religious. She would probably be quiet and introverted like me, which means she is probably at home and doesn't talk with people much either. The type where she is also my best friend and it's basically just us the majority of the time. I feel like the type of connection I want is also a rare thing. It's this amazing and uniquely human thing to connect with someone like that and I want it so bad yet it feels so out of reach. I'm finding it hard to fall asleep again because I am just laying there... alone. I would normally be in bed right now but I am not because of that feeling.

I have no idea how to find this person. I feel like I'm getting close to the point where it's becoming so unlikely that I should start considering that it will never happen. Which I find to be.... depressing. I'm 32 and have only been with one person. I loathe the idea of it being "the dating game" and think that entire process is just.... stupid. If you like someone you like them. I'm also way too shy to even be blunt and tell someone I like them anyway. Assuming I could find someone to tell in the first place. And when someone piques my interest, I tend to fall pretty hard right off the bat.

There is this mostly quiet and cute gamer girl at work who I actually managed to get myself to make non work conversation with a few times. She seems really cool and she seemed to make several attempts to talk with me. I got her gamertag and we played together some and I was so proud of myself for overcoming my extreme shyness when it comes to this. It's something that has been SO hard for me my entire life and it has caused me a lot of grief. But.... I found out she has a boyfriend when she told me about a game he got her into. It was so crushing to hear that. She is the first person that I was legitimately interested in since that one person I have been with over a year ago. I rarely find someone that I am interested in in general anyway. Now it feels like this big "back to the drawing board" thing and it's leaving me feeling pretty low right now.
 
Well, I'm a loner, in my 40's, not interested in being a mommy, love to be at home at the cottage, am not religious whatsoever, love literature and hate interacting with people. Am I rare? Yes. I spent many years alone despising the idea of dating and hoping my "soul mate" would just knock at my door. But that is fantasy, I had to go through the "dating game" for almost a year to find someone who I thought was my match. We keep having problems so I'm not sure he's really my match, but if we can get through certain problems, our relationship would work well because he is very much the same as me, but the point is I really had to put myself out there to look. It was rough though, I hated dating.
 
Well, at least you didn't find your type, then lose them again. That's what happened to me. Haven't met anyone on the same level since. I know exactly what you mean about having a rare type that you're not likely to meet, just because there really aren't that many around to start with.
 
TheSkaFish said:
Well, at least you didn't find your type, then lose them again. That's what happened to me. Haven't met anyone on the same level since. I know exactly what you mean about having a rare type that you're not likely to meet, just because there really aren't that many around to start with.

Well, I sort of did. The only person I've ever been with really was my type. We met online and talked for a while first. Which helped with my extreme shyness and made me able to tell her about that up front. So we already knew the kids thing would be an issue, but we went ahead with it anyway. It was long distance and ultimately us differing on wanting kids more or less meant neither one of us could seriously commit to potentially moving to the other person. So it ended. I did get a great friend and "first time" experience with her though. We still talk everyday and she is one of my very few friends. So I'm glad I met her either way.
 
Like looking in a ******* mirror edgecrusher. Probably missing some of the shyness, and you're likely a little more well behaved than me.

He'll we're even the same age. Though I've more resigned myself to the drifting through life bit. Paying attention slightly to what is going on around me just in case something interesting happens to the world before I die.

They really are all the taken though aren't they? At least the ones our age.
 
Does she need to be a gamer? I'm sure there are women out there who want the same things as you and are fun to hang around and talk to. I try not to narrow things down to a specific 'dream girl'.
 
SarcasticJuan said:
Does she need to be a gamer? I'm sure there are women out there who want the same things as you and are fun to hang around and talk to. I try not to narrow things down to a specific 'dream girl'.

Well... honestly, yes. The type of personality that normally comes with that nerdy type is what I like and similar interests are a must as far as I'm concerned. I want someone who is my best friend and a companion because we do the same things together.
 
edgecrusher said:
SarcasticJuan said:
Does she need to be a gamer? I'm sure there are women out there who want the same things as you and are fun to hang around and talk to. I try not to narrow things down to a specific 'dream girl'.

Well... honestly, yes. The type of personality that normally comes with that nerdy type is what I like and similar interests are a must as far as I'm concerned. I want someone who is my best friend and a companion because we do the same things together.
I can see where you're coming from, and I can picture your type in my head, there are definitely girls out there who are introverted but not necessarily into gaming. Sometimes partners can discover each other's interests. It's best to keep an open mind, as cliche as it sounds and don't count anyone out.
 
I know the feeling. I don't a "type" as much as I, like you, want someone to enjoy what I enjoy and to accept some harder to deal with aspects of myself (like not actually wanting to date and being averse to romance). I do have a guy that I have a friendship with benefits with but he doesn't know me enough. I'm a very private person, and although I like him a lot, I have yet to open up with him. I don't think I will, not while we are classmates.

That said, given that you have this very specific type in mind, I think it will be actually easier for you to find it. If you want someone who likes games, you have to look where they are (usually online tbh).

Another thing to keep in mind, though: probably no one's going to fit your type to a T. Having preferences is not inherently bad, and yours are fine enough, but it's important to challenge those preferences too. You might miss out good opportunities if you stick to the list you have and the list alone.
 
People ask me what my "type" is, and I say "Type II."

Thank you. Thank you. I'm here again tomorrow at 9 and 11. Please tip your waiters.
 
The reason your "type" is so hard to find is because you are limiting yourself on what you will accept. You aren't giving other girls a chance, so naturally you won't find what you want because the list of attributes, behaviors, looks and hobbies are so specific.

I can understand the never wanting to have kids thing, because not everyone does and that's okay. But, for the hobbies and beliefs, that's asking a lot. Just because someone isn't a gamer or just because someone is religious does not mean they won't be willing to game with you and that doesn't mean they are going to push you to be religious with her.

You don't have to do everything together, as long as you find some kind of common ground, you can have a successful relationship.
 
TheRealCallie said:
The reason your "type" is so hard to find is because you are limiting yourself on what you will accept. You aren't giving other girls a chance, so naturally you won't find what you want because the list of attributes, behaviors, looks and hobbies are so specific.

I can understand the never wanting to have kids thing, because not everyone does and that's okay. But, for the hobbies and beliefs, that's asking a lot. Just because someone isn't a gamer or just because someone is religious does not mean they won't be willing to game with you and that doesn't mean they are going to push you to be religious with her.

You don't have to do everything together, as long as you find some kind of common ground, you can have a successful relationship.

This, me thinks so too.
 
ladyforsaken said:
TheRealCallie said:
You don't have to do everything together, as long as you find some kind of common ground, you can have a successful relationship.

This, me thinks so too.

fair enough, but even without "the list" sometimes it is difficult to find the spark, find kindred spirits, especially when you have peculiar characteristics beyond your interests - don't know, a weird sense of humor, or a peculiar way of reasoning, or very independent, don't know exactly how to define that, but some people are "less mainstream" than others. Although I disagree on the fact that it is difficult to find shy gamer girls, just go on OKcupid or some game forum :D and, oh, conventions!
 
TheRealCallie said:
You don't have to do everything together, as long as you find some kind of common ground, you can have a successful relationship.

And that's the thing, I don't want what most would call a "relationship." I want a deep connection that goes sort of beyond that. I want a companion in life, not someone who is merely a significant other. We don't have to like all the exact same things, but rather an appreciation for gaming in general regardless of what she plays. And the religion thing... I just can't. Within the last like 2 years I've had what I guess you could call a sort of revelation about life and my/our place in the universe. I feel "awake" in a way that I rarely see in people when it comes to this and I just can't handle faith based beliefs. It's just not how my brain works. There are too many contradictions and questions that poke holes in every single one of them. I don't just not do the religion thing, I don't do the god/creator thing. I won't go into it because I know religion is a touchy thing on this forum so I'll just leave it at that. I find that anyone who does believe in that sort of thing eventually has a hard time keeping it to themselves. A conversation about that will cause issues because I find it hard to hold back how I really feel.
 
Well, let's see - I'm introverted and non-religious - but have a kid and not a gamer... :(
Plus, I'm far too old for you. :)

I understand wanting a deep connection but you're putting the cart before the horse. You must start out with at least a superficial "hi, how are you" and if you're lucky, things will develop over a long period into a deep connection.
I think it' s good that you know what you want in a woman. Many drift from slightly satisfying relationship to slightly satisfying relationship with people they don't really connect with just so they're not single.
Knowing what you want makes it far more likely that you'll find what you want.

-Teresa
 
Peaches said:
...but even without "the list" sometimes it is difficult to find the spark, find kindred spirits, especially when you have peculiar characteristics beyond your interests

Yes! Absolutely nailed it, in my opinion. I have felt that elusive spark from people I had almost nothing in common with, and I'd had no spark from people where we almost had identical likes and dislikes.

My view is that the laundry list of do's and don't's, must-haves and must-not-haves, is all well and good, but without that spark, it means nothing. So, those with very particular lists of what they find "suitable" are consciously reducing their dating chances.

The simplest solution is to not be so restrictive.
 
SofiasMami said:
Many drift from slightly satisfying relationship to slightly satisfying relationship with people they don't really connect with just so they're not single.

Yes, that's something I think about a lot myself. I worry often that what you described is what will happen to me, and before I know it, I will have gone my whole life without having ever had a relationship with someone I really connected with. I worry that I'll never get to experience that.

Case said:
Yes! Absolutely nailed it, in my opinion. I have felt that elusive spark from people I had almost nothing in common with, and I'd had no spark from people where we almost had identical likes and dislikes.

To me, that seems very odd. I can't fathom feeling a true spark from someone with which I have absolutely nothing in common, no matter what they look like. And if someone has identical likes AND they have the level of looks I want, then I always feel a spark.

I don't doubt what you're experiencing, I just can't see how it's possible to feel a spark with someone where nothing is overlapping between us.
 
TheSkaFish said:
Case said:
Yes! Absolutely nailed it, in my opinion. I have felt that elusive spark from people I had almost nothing in common with, and I'd had no spark from people where we almost had identical likes and dislikes.

To me, that seems very odd. I can't fathom feeling a true spark from someone with which I have absolutely nothing in common, no matter what they look like. And if someone has identical likes AND they have the level of looks I want, then I always feel a spark.

I don't doubt what you're experiencing, I just can't see how it's possible to feel a spark with someone where nothing is overlapping between us.

It seems so illogical, doesn't it? But love is often illogical. If love were logical, not only would it be boring and uninspired, but dating websites would always work. ;) But love is wonderfully random and it can defy all rational explanation, as well as the most well-written, dating site algorithm. It has also given me several experiences I would have never had if I only focused on a list of compatible traits.

Anyway, you can have the spark without the shared interests, but you can never have the shared interests without the spark. The spark is the fuel for every loving relationship. Without that spark, your only hope is friendship.

That is ultimately why I do not have a "type." It'd be nice if she was interested in some of the things I like, but the most important part is that we feel that passion for each other that lights up the night. I'd rather chase the spark than chase after a list in my head.
 
Case said:
It seems so illogical, doesn't it? But love is often illogical. If love were logical, not only would it be boring and uninspired, but dating websites would always work. ;) But love is wonderfully random and it can defy all rational explanation, as well as the most well-written, dating site algorithm. It has also given me several experiences I would have never had if I only focused on a list of compatible traits.

Anyway, you can have the spark without the shared interests, but you can never have the shared interests without the spark. The spark is the fuel for every loving relationship. Without that spark, your only hope is friendship.

That is ultimately why I do not have a "type." It'd be nice if she was interested in some of the things I like, but the most important part is that we feel that passion for each other that lights up the night. I'd rather chase the spark than chase after a list in my head.

Don't you think a spark can develop though, over time, even if it was not there right away? I have heard before of people who just saw each other as friends at first, sometimes even for a very long while, only to date later.

It all seems rather strange. I don't know if I have a "type" either - more like I do have a "type", but it is not really a traditionally recognized type that most people would know. "Conventionally attractive girls but with unique doll-like faces that are intellectual and adventurous but also playful and sweet to a near-childlike level, while being very passionate about their interests and life itself". What's just as much of a problem is that I don't fit into a "type", either. Even the girls I've liked haven't matched me exactly, and there were even some things that I wasn't thrilled with but was willing to let slide because the good things outnumbered and outweighed the downsides.

But this isn't my thread, so I'll ask just one more question which may be of use to everybody as well - since conversation is such a big part of getting to know and enjoy someone, how do you move things forward conversationally with someone that you have little to nothing in common with? I have such a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea that you can have a spark with someone who doesn't have your interests, because to me it seems that it would be really hard to get a conversation going with someone who isn't interested in the things you like.
 

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