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Case

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Mom and Dad are both dead, and I have relationships with my brother and sister that are similar to my deceased parents, except that, unlike my parents, my siblings both, presumably, still have heartbeats.

My sister, I understand. We haven't been in close contact for 20 years. But, she's on my Facebook now, so that's more than nothing. But my brother is different. We used to be quite close, and now he is a near-stranger to me. He never informs me about the most important parts of his life if he can help it. I didn't know about his marriage until almost the day of the wedding, and since that was in another country, I was not invited.

I am reminded of this because I just received an email from him telling me and my sister that he will be out of the country with his family for one month. Yes. One month. When does he leave? Tonight. He apologized for not telling us sooner, and he made some bullshit excuse about plans not being concrete until today. Right.

It's just another painful reminder of how much I wish I had a family. I don't mean having a wife and a child. (Although, a wife would be nice.:) ) No. I mean that my biologicals don't talk to me, and I find that sad.

It's this envy I have for people who have close families that prompts me to seek surrogate family members to take the place of the real family members who want nothing to do with me. Unfortunately, I will occasionally push myself away from these surrogate families because I have a fear that I take too much of their time as it is. Either that, or I feel less and less like a happy person that I don't want to bring anyone down.

Right now, these thoughts are contributing to my low state of mind.
 
I can relate. We can often feel closer to other people who aren't our family than our siblings. Remember we didn't chose our family, and they can often be horrible selfish people! It sounds like your brother really has other things on his mind than keeping in touch with you. I would tell him that, and say it's sad that things have got that way. So people like spending time with you? Enjoy it and take comfort that they appreciate being with you.
 
Case said:
It's just another painful reminder of how much I wish I had a family. I don't mean having a wife and a child. (Although, a wife would be nice.:) ) No. I mean that my biologicals don't talk to me, and I find that sad.

Right there with you. My brother just does not seem to want a relationship with me. My parents are dead too. My mom used to live in this fantasy that once she was gone we would all be the best ever... but I used to tell her that wasn't going to happen. I was right on this one. After her passing he did seem to do that. I would be invited to parties at his wife's family's house. But I am getting less and less invites. (I truly believe I only get the invites because they want gifts for the kid)

There are a couple of things that I don't think have anything to do with me. He has a son and his son seeks kids. So, my brother seeks people with kids for events. When he is done with son, he needs to worry about wife. So by the time he starts thinking about me 7 months could have passed.

But when I see other people with their families I think, they must have gone to the sibling class and we didn't go. My brother may love me but you have to wonder what is the point of it if he isn't going to be in my life? But I am not sure he loves me. Sometimes I think that it is because I have never given him anything to worry about as to me. I do not have an abusive boyfriend. If my car breaks down or something I call someone else. I am quite independent and have a good job.. so he feels useless... where as I see a lot of sisters in sibling relationships that are always calling each other for help. But at the time -- I don't see him being helpful. A reason I don't call.

But when we are together we seem to have a great time. I am the only one he can do stories of my youth with... so I don't get why he seems to distant.

I feel this amazing pessure from him to get married and have a kid and in a way it is like he doesn't see the point of me if I am not going to do that. It is shocking but true...
 
I noticed that you didn't mention your brother's wife. Is it possible he wants you to have a child so that you would have something else in common with his family and not just the fact you are siblings?
 
the_ice_man said:
I noticed that you didn't mention your brother's wife. Is it possible he wants you to have a child so that you would have something else in common with his family and not just the fact you are siblings?

Oh absolutely. Unfortunately that isn't going to happen. In the end it is my life and he should love me for me. I thought. Not the appendage that he thought he was going to get. I also find it weird that he never kind of looks to help me out with a husband. Looking for someone to set me up with or such. It is as if all I need do is run down to the "boyfriend store" and pick up a great guy and get preggers. But there is no boyfriend store and he completely seems to forget all the obstacles I had in my way while he was out wooing his wife. I was basically the parental caretaker while he was out doing what he wanted to in life.

I also feel this weird dynamic where I can't be more interesting than him. Last winter I went over for party and he invited some people that had purchased what he was selling about me being "weird". We had a great time. With these people I talked and laughed and was not weird, and the woman actually said to him... oh wow I am so surprised at how much fun I had with Sutton, we should do this again.... humn... and, the next event, I didn't get an invite.
 
But these people are his friends, and you are his family. Some people like to keep that distinction. It sounds like he doesn't have as much a need to see you, as often as you would like to see him, and maybe you'll have to come to terms and accept that.
 
the_ice_man said:
But these people are his friends, and you are his family. Some people like to keep that distinction. It sounds like he doesn't have as much a need to see you, as often as you would like to see him, and maybe you'll have to come to terms and accept that.

Oh dear I feel like I am hijacking Case's thread, but, why is it all about him? Most sibling relationships that I see are close. And they seem to get that a sibling should be a close relationship. Supportive, friendly, in each other's lives... and this "relationship" isn't that way. I do not get. It is almost worse than a "friend" as my brother doesn't seem to see any need to be on good behavior.
 
You seem to assume he should behave in a certain way. The way you want and expect him to behave...
 
I think the problem is that all too often, family takes each other for granted. Maybe it's out of the fact that we grow up seeing each other every day. Or maybe it's because we view unconditional love from our families as an expectation, and don't usually think about its immeasurable value.

As I get older, I'm trying to be more conscious and appreciative of my family. Even when we disagree on things, sometimes I reflect on just how quickly the time has gone, and how temporary it all is and how someday I'm going to miss everyone. I like to make sure we still talk and laugh about things at least a little bit per day, to keep the lines of communication open. And sometimes I like to play board games with them, or watch a movie together.
 
the_ice_man said:
It sounds like your brother really has other things on his mind than keeping in touch with you. I would tell him that, and say it's sad that things have got that way.

lol - Boy, I wish it were that easy to just tell him how I feel. I have tried, and tried, and tried, and the response I get is "What's the problem, bro? We're cool. Right?" (sigh) He is a stoic person. He also cherishes the little freedom he can get to read or do the things he likes. Unfortunately, he thinks that we, as brothers, will always be around. He neglects our friendship, and when we meet, it's getting more and more like he's a stranger to me, and I to him.

the_ice_man said:
So people like spending time with you? Enjoy it and take comfort that they appreciate being with you.

I enjoy what little time I get, but I push them away because I feel that I hang around too much, and I don't want to be that guy who overstays his welcome. I have felt that many times with these friends, and that bothers me.

LonelySutton said:
Right there with you. My brother just does not seem to want a relationship with me. My parents are dead too. My mom used to live in this fantasy that once she was gone we would all be the best ever... but I used to tell her that wasn't going to happen. I was right on this one.

My Mom would probably cry if she saw the state of her children's relationship with each other. I admit that sometimes I feel like crying.

LonelySutton said:
But when I see other people with their families I think, they must have gone to the sibling class and we didn't go.

The surrogate family that I visit occasionally reminds me of what I am missing from my own family. I see how they all get along (for the most part,) that they all gather regularly for dinners, for birthdays, for celebrating someone getting a new job, etc, and it's fun on the one hand, but it's sad on the other because my siblings are people I used to know better a long time ago.

(sigh) It's just one more thing to make me feel sad.
 
My Mom would probably cry if she saw the state of her children's relationship with each other. I admit that sometimes I feel like crying.

Mine too. She always lived in this fantasy world. In a way I think she gets the blame. I don't think she taught my brother how to be a good sibling (maybe me too) but I find myself reactionary to him. He got in this way of treating me like he might see on TV. You know, insults.. and not wanting to be around me. I can like of like 10 1980s shows where that is how things were portrayed. In fact I always felt like it was scary sad that Tracy Gold at one time suggested her anorexia was due to all the insults that her TV brother hurled at her.

But, I have run into many families where the idea is that your brothers and sisters are supposed to be close to you. You talk to them daily. You do things with them... you see them on the weekends... even as an adult. Sort of a little women type environment.

I suppose the irony here is that my brother wants to do things all the time with my cousins and uncles and thinks I am terrible because I don't want to. But basically it is weird.... I feel like that family is horrible and never cared at all about my dad and so I can't understand my brother being all family with them and not me, other than they provide kids for his kid.
 
To LS:
Are you the jealous type who bares a grudge?
To be honest I don't think you would be having these issues with your brother if you had a partner.
You appear to be quite obsessed about this...
 
the_ice_man said:
To LS:
Are you the jealous type who bares a grudge?
To be honest I don't think you would be having these issues with your brother if you had a partner.
You appear to be quite obsessed about this...

picard_facepalm1.jpg
 
Let's keep the personal shots out of this, yeah? Having a partner doesn't mean someone can't have issues with siblings.
 
VanillaCreme said:
Let's keep the personal shots out of this, yeah? Having a partner doesn't mean someone can't have issues with siblings.

I think we are here to be honest and real, and that does mean getting personal (whatever that means). Being non confrontational is why many people are on this site.
 
That does not allow you to take personal shots at people, You are being told not to do it, it is not up for debate.
 
the_ice_man said:
VanillaCreme said:
Let's keep the personal shots out of this, yeah? Having a partner doesn't mean someone can't have issues with siblings.

I think we are here to be honest and real, and that does mean getting personal (whatever that means). Being non confrontational is why many people are on this site.

You know why every single person on this forum is here, do you?

Being honest and real does NOT mean being disrespectful.
 
TheRealCallie said:
the_ice_man said:
VanillaCreme said:
Let's keep the personal shots out of this, yeah? Having a partner doesn't mean someone can't have issues with siblings.

I think we are here to be honest and real, and that does mean getting personal (whatever that means). Being non confrontational is why many people are on this site.

You know why every single person on this forum is here, do you?

Being honest and real does NOT mean being disrespectful.

Um coz they're lonely? Being disrespectful is a matter of opinion. If the person feels offended, I'm sure they will let me know.
 
the_ice_man said:
TheRealCallie said:
the_ice_man said:
VanillaCreme said:
Let's keep the personal shots out of this, yeah? Having a partner doesn't mean someone can't have issues with siblings.

I think we are here to be honest and real, and that does mean getting personal (whatever that means). Being non confrontational is why many people are on this site.

You know why every single person on this forum is here, do you?

Being honest and real does NOT mean being disrespectful.

Um coz they're lonely? Being disrespectful is a matter of opinion. If the person feels offended, I'm sure they will let me know.

Um, just because this forum is called A Lonely Life, does NOT mean every single person on it is lonely.

And I believe you were told by TWO moderators that you were disrespectful, so their opinion is really all that matters here. :D
 

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