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Case

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Why do I treat "attention" sometimes as if it were going to kill me?

My birthday is in a few days. Unlike most people, I don't celebrate it. Instead, I run from it. I avoid it. I've avoided it as much as I can all my life, telling people not to give me presents, or making sure that no one is preparing a surprise for me.

It's been a life of exhaustion, and I'm tired.

I haven't celebrated my birthday with a group of people since I was a child, mostly due to the painful anxieties associated with being the center of attention. My earliest memory of having a birthday was when I was probably four years old when my Dad wanted to get a photo of me mashing my hands into the cake and smearing my face with the contents. I wouldn't do it. He raised his voice at me. I still wouldn't do it, and I started to cry. He stomped away angrily, thus beginning a lifetime of not trusting my father with my own well-being. Ever since, I became very shy, inward, and perhaps, I expected every birthday to involve crying.

As an adult, I have a complex about it. Every year, I have to deal with coworkers who wish to celebrate my birthday, and every year, I get anxious and I tell them no. I tell them that I don't celebrate my birthday, and they always honor my requests. In reality, I am avoiding the pain of being "seen," when I feel more comfortable being unseen, of flying under the radar, of slipping past unnoticed, of escaping into solitude.

And then, the ultimate contradiction comes when I suddenly wonder why I don't have the kind of social life I want. lol

This was all prompted because a friend of mine wanted to host a dinner for my birthday this week. She texted and CC'd a few other people on this, so I knew it would be a larger group than I've ever had for my birthday. Normally, I have told people "Thanks, but no thanks," but this time, it's complicated because I don't want things being awkward between me and this group of very good people.

But when I got her text, a wave of anxiety flooded over me. Panic, even. The thought of having to fake enjoyment and feeling the burn of a bunch of eyeballs on me as I open up presents, just returns me to when I was four years old, half expecting that I was their little toy to manipulate as they wished, just like my Dad tried to do to me. (I am aware of how unrealistic this emotion is, especially about people who like me, but it happens every year.)

I don't know why I get so panicky when certain kinds of attention are paid to me. In other cases, I am fine. Speeches? I'm all in. Have to do a podcast? Bring it on. But sit me in a chair and have people gush all over me for a few hours? No. Anything but that.

So, why the avoidance? Is it insecurity? Low self-esteem? Is it really my Dad's reaction when I was four years old that implanted this fear in me? I don't know. But it sucks that this has been an annual ritual for so many years now.

Moreover, I'm just tired. I wish birthdays didn't exist. I wish I didn't have to feel this way every single, bloody year.


TL-DR: I have been avoiding my birthdays since I was a child, and everything about them raises my anxieties and makes me unhappy.
 
Case said:
So, why the avoidance? Is it insecurity? Low self-esteem? Is it really my Dad's reaction when I was four years old that implanted this fear in me? I don't know. But it sucks that this has been an annual ritual for so many years now.

It's probably all of the above, but it's not unlikely that your Dad's reaction from back then is the prominent reason - even if it's just part of the bigger picture of 'social expectations'. It makes you wonder whether it's worse to fake and fulfill the expectations or to be straightforward and honest with the risk of alienating people. Birthdays always involve a bit of acting - especially when you're receiving presents from people that may not know you so well and that whole gift business turns into a hit-and-miss game. Of course you don't want to act like an ******* and comment all presents with 'Gee, thanks...'

Faking (or even showing) excitement isn't always easy. I know it ain't for me. I've only celeberated my last birthdays within family and I think it's even worse to have their attention focussed on me. Good friends may tolerate certain antics, but try explaining to your 83-year-old grandma why you're not smiling today...
 
I think it's probably more just about not wanting the attention. I wouldn't really say it's avoidance, but probably has something to do with self esteem and maybe a dash of insecurity.
It's your birthday, so naturally, people are going to say Happy birthday (even if it's just online) and/or give you gifts and take you out somewhere. I think a lot of people have a problem with that, so I wouldn't be too hard on yourself about it. Just try to have a good time and don't let ALL of the focus be on you. Turn some of it on the person that organized it. Make it about the group, not just you, because without the group, it wouldn't have happened. That way, you can redirect some of the attention.
 
Rodent said:
It makes you wonder whether it's worse to fake and fulfill the expectations or to be straightforward and honest with the risk of alienating people.

I think that's my biggest conundrum because I have the dual anxiety of not wanting to be the center of attention and also not wanting to offend or disappoint any of these friends. A classic Catch-22. Either way I go, I'm screwed.

Rodent said:
Faking (or even showing) excitement isn't always easy. I know it ain't for me.

I can't fake excitement, either. The best I can do is endure the situation as best as I can, like a three hour dentist's visit where I know it will benefit me, but I know I will experience pain.

TheRealCallie said:
I think it's probably more just about not wanting the attention. I wouldn't really say it's avoidance, but probably has something to do with self esteem and maybe a dash of insecurity.

Actually, I think it has everything to do with avoidance. I have spent the bulk of my life avoiding these birthday celebrations, and it's been exhausting. I'm exhausted right now just thinking about this gathering I agreed to attend. As it approaches, I'll be getting more and more wound up about it. I don''t know why I feel this way, but the accumulated feelings I've had about my birthday (much of it negative) has brought me to this point where the mere thought of having cake and singing makes me want to run. I'm thinking about telling my friend not to have any singing. Ugh. Talk about my own mini-nightmare.

TheRealCallie said:
It's your birthday, so naturally, people are going to say Happy birthday (even if it's just online) and/or give you gifts and take you out somewhere. I think a lot of people have a problem with that, so I wouldn't be too hard on yourself about it.

I've never seen anyone else go to the lengths that I've taken to stop birthday celebrations. It probably looks crazy to some people. I honestly wish I wasn't like this, but my birthday has always been a time of pain and loathing. It's all about avoiding the negative feelings I have about cakes, candles, presents, and all eyes on me.

I'm wondering if numbing myself with alcohol will make it easier to cope, but that would be violating my own code of only drinking when I'm happy.
 
that sounds like a specific trauma, it's like when someone hates christmas, most people around just don't let it go and force you to "enjoy" - I never suggest drinking as a special solution, but in this case I think it's not out of place (just for the day).

What about taking days off, going away from people who want to celebrate in a conventional way and trying new things, new rituals to make peace with your birthday, because after all it's a nice occasion for reflection and celebration, just no candles, clowns, pictures, or singing.
Maybe you just hate being the center of attention in that context.
Also, sometimes I think it's easy to feel forgotten in such occasions, in the sense that it's all about you but not the REAL you, if you see what I mean, and I find most of these occasions pretty artificial.

Still, it's nice that you have friends who want to celebrate your birthday :) Some people don't get even a phone call.. ;)


Actually I had the same feelings that you describe for many years, still do, when I was small I had all these relatives to gather around me as the only child of the whole family and wait for me to do something smart, and then criticize me, and I also feel that when I am the center of attention something terrible is going to happen.

hey, I didn't know that you can write text in color!
 
Peaches said:
that sounds like a specific trauma, it's like when someone hates christmas, most people around just don't let it go and force you to "enjoy" -

I think you're right, but I don't blame anyone for thinking that my desire to avoid my own birthday is odd or strange. I know I'm in the extreme minority here.

Peaches said:
What about taking days off, going away from people who want to celebrate in a conventional way...

Actually, I've done that frequently. Last year, I took a trip to another city by myself. It was not specifically to avoid my birthday, but I admit that this is part of the reason I take my birthdays off. So, I don't have to answer the "What are you doing on your birthday?" questions.

Peaches said:
Also, sometimes I think it's easy to feel forgotten in such occasions, in the sense that it's all about you but not the REAL you, if you see what I mean, and I find most of these occasions pretty artificial.

I think this is true at work, when many of my coworkers have seen my birthday as nothing more than an excuse to stop working for 15 minutes. So, when I tell people I don't want any celebration or cake, some have responded with disappointment that they can't use me to have that non-work time. Which I think is disingenuous.

These friends of mine having the dinner for me know me reasonably well, but they have that same "let's party" mentality that I just don't have. I have attended many of their birthdays and it was okay because I wasn't the focus.

Peaches said:
hey, I didn't know that you can write text in color!

It can look like rainbows. :D
 
Well, today is the day I must meet with my friends and endure their birthday rituals. It's not my birthday today, but this was when everyone could gather.

I fully expect to be nervous as I drive over. Not because I want to be nervous, but it always happens. Maybe I'll try to meditate beforehand, slow my mind, and try to get as much oxygen in my bloodstream as I approach my friend's house. I have a few more techniques I'll try to ensure my calm state. I can't be sure that any of this will work.

Yesterday, I told my best friend (whose family this is,) that I have had anxiety over this birthday BS all my life. She offered a suggestion and a promise. The suggestion was that maybe it was time for me to overcome my fears. In a way, she is correct. No one should have to fear something so seemingly inconsequential for as long as I have. Her promise, which shows her kindness, was her vow that if at any time I felt I could not handle something, I had her permission to opt out of anything the family wanted to do. While technically, I didn't need anyone's permission, I thought that was nice of her to say. It was comforting to know that she "got it," and that here priority was that I enjoy myself.

In response, I will be going "full immersion." I will not be drinking, so I will have no chemical mask. And I will accept anything they want, including singing (which I haven't had done to me in decades.) I want to see if this immersion-thing really works, and I hope I don't panic because usually my panicking occurs prior to the event. Once I'm there, I seem to be okay.

So, we'll see what happens. Wish me luck that I don't feel like a blob of stuttering fear. lol
 
I guess this has become my own personal diary. No worries. I have another update on the original post.

I had my "It's Not My Birthday" birthday party today, and it was actually great. The key to me not freaking out today was due to a number of things. I made good on my promise not to drink, so I was ready to brave anything they had for me. I made sure to breathe properly and lower my nervousness beforehand, which helped greatly. Finally, my friends knew I didn't like too much attention, so they consciously scaled back a bit and made it a more comfortable and delightful evening for me. I *did* get a birthday song sung to me, which hadn't happened to me in a long time, so that was nice. And everyone was so kind and happy that it was fun in a way that I hadn't felt in a long time.

I can't be more thankful for having these friends. Why I get lonely when I have friends like these is a complicated issue for me, but in this moment, all is right with the world. And that's more than I can ever ask for. :)
 

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