I think I'm losing my mind...

Forgive me if this is all over the place. I'm horrible with people and I don't know where to start so I'm just gonna dive in.

Last year I broke my femur and my hip so I've been laid up and I don't do well at that. The whole idle hands thing, except it's my minds that leads me to dark places. I've been in a not so good place the last two months and there is really only one person who I can talk too and I know I was being a selfish prick because I haven't talked to him and let him wonder if I'm dead or alive, mostly because I wasn't sure if I wanted him to talk me out of my thoughts.

I'm not going into the whole back story right now, just that I don't remember a day in my life where my parents didn't hate and/or resent me. It was a nightmare growing up.

So it started just with thoughts, then dreams, but now I'm having serious flashbacks and I just...stop. It's almost like I'm there again and I can't function.

The other day I took a girl out for dinner (Ha, I almost had a date) and we just got out food and this memory slammed me in the face and I had to go to the bathroom to hide. It took me about 15 minutes and by then she gave up. Not that I blame her.

And it was a **** piece of chicken. I remembered, going back to when I was 12, maybe 13. I don't remember what I did but I had to done something because my father made me sit on the floor in the corner instead of the table for dinner. I think I'd already been told I wasn't eating for misbehaving. But he walked over and handed me a piece of chicken. I should have known something was up but I was starving.
So I took it. But he kicked me In the hand when I went to eat it so I end up dropping it and taking a chunk out of my hand. He grabbed me and dragged me to my room and threw me in and told me to stay for throwing food and wasting it.
I just remember being so **** hungry. I waited until they passed out and I snuck out. I don't know what I was planning. I had no money and I was raised to be seen and not heard so I had no skills to talk to anyone. Maybe I was planning on finding a restaurant garbage to pick from.
But, being my luck, a cop happened to drive by and he stopped. Probably because I was never big and probably looked younger and... Well, whatever he was thinking. I can't remember what I told him but he drove me back home instead of letting me walk. So course he comes with me to the door and talks with my father while I was sent back to my room.
I knew that I was going to get it. I remember trying to figure out where I should or what I should say. So I just stood there but when he came in he such a look of rage. I don't usually run because there is no point but I did run to the other side of the bed and kept apologizing. I ended up waking up on the floor but at least he was gone.

Anyways, all that flashed back when I looked at the chicken. And it isn't like I was sitting on the floor with my arms around my knees rocking back and forth but I... panic? I guess. I don't know. I shake and breathe heavy and get teary eyed. I know that all sounds stupid, but it is... And I can't really push myself out of it. It's almost like I have to relive it all until my head decides to shut itself off.

I don't know if there is a name for it, or if I'm really just losing my mind. I don't know.
I'm sick of therapists and it's hard anyway. I live like a gypsy of sorts. I work in the oil field so I'm gone a lot and I don't live anywhere. Summer I usually stay in my truck and winters I can hotel it. I guess I'm a hard person to deal with and I suck at being social and I'm too awkward for anyone to deal with so I don't have any friends but my one, who I've been a real ass too.

Am I really going crazy, do you think?

I'm no expert, but what you're experiencing sounds like PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I know a couple of people with it. It's scary honeysuckle. You should talk to a psychologist about the possibility of it, treatment is difficult but possible. Good luck to you, you're a tougher ******* than I'll ever be.

You're not going crazy. It does sound like PTSD though, you sound like you're having flashbacks (the getting sucked back into your childhood and reliving the trauma), maybe you could look for help near you or online, as Ero said it's possible to treat. It's not easy but it's better than having to deal with the flashbacks. Really hope that you get the help you need, nobody should be treated the way your father treated you. It must have been very difficult for you emotionally and physically, as Ero's said, you're one tough guy.

You aren't crazy, not at all. It does sound like PTSD. You said you're sick of therapists, so I assume you've been to many. Have any of them helped at all?
From what you've been through, I can see why you would panic sometimes. No child should have to go through that and you just gave one example. But, you do need to find a way to manage it so you can surpass it and have the life you deserve. Have you thought about alternative methods to managing it? Meditation may be able to help you or even something physical to help you get everything out. Boxing or martial arts or something like that.

As for your friend, s/he sounds like someone who really cares about you. They likely know you well and understand. If you feel you've been an ass, talk to them and apologize for it and let it go. There's no sense dwelling on that too.

I have PTSD, and I agree with the others who said it sounds like it could be PTSD. I thought I was losing my mind too when I started experiencing symptoms, before I learned what it was.

Ero said:

I'm no expert, but what you're experiencing sounds like PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I know a couple of people with it. It's scary honeysuckle. You should talk to a psychologist about the possibility of it, treatment is difficult but possible. Good luck to you, you're a tougher ******* than I'll ever be.

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Never thought much about that. I think of soldiers and what they experienced and that's not me.
And thanks, but I'm not tough. I'm falling apart and it's getting harder and harder to try and keep it all together. Sometimes - most times - I think it would just be worth it to say fresia it all.

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Kitsune Tora said:

You're not going crazy. It does sound like PTSD though, you sound like you're having flashbacks (the getting sucked back into your childhood and reliving the trauma), maybe you could look for help near you or online, as Ero said it's possible to treat. It's not easy but it's better than having to deal with the flashbacks. Really hope that you get the help you need, nobody should be treated the way your father treated you. It must have been very difficult for you emotionally and physically, as Ero's said, you're one tough guy.

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It was tough. I was sort of screwed from the get go and I probably should have been just an thought. Or, as my father so elegantly put it, the better part of me should have ran down my mothers chin. I have to hand it to him, as far as insults go that was a good one.
But I didn't come out unbroken. I'm a lot braver online then real life. I have a hard time talking to people (probably the whole be seen and not heard - or be neither seen nor heard - thing) so I'm not sure what vibe I give off but I guess it's not a good one. I figure I'm just destined to live alone.

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TheRealCallie said:

You aren't crazy, not at all. It does sound like PTSD. You said you're sick of therapists, so I assume you've been to many. Have any of them helped at all?
From what you've been through, I can see why you would panic sometimes. No child should have to go through that and you just gave one example. But, you do need to find a way to manage it so you can surpass it and have the life you deserve. Have you thought about alternative methods to managing it? Meditation may be able to help you or even something physical to help you get everything out. Boxing or martial arts or something like that.

As for your friend, s/he sounds like someone who really cares about you. They likely know you well and understand. If you feel you've been an ass, talk to them and apologize for it and let it go. There's no sense dwelling on that too.

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I was court ordered to rehab. I talked to a bunch of people then. I kept up with AADAC for about a year and a half talking to my counsellor. She moved then, though. It took me almost half a year before I actually got brave enough to get to the heart of the subject and I just didn't have the energy to start all over with someone else again. I probably took it harder then I should have, but she was the first person I really opened up too.

I didn't meet my real friend until after my parents left, so I almost 16. So I've known him for four years but he knows me better then anyone. Literally saved my life (attempt number two - I can't even do THAT right). I would very easily die for him, but I do have issues still. He tries hard to get me to be positive about myself, I just don't do well with compliments because I can't believe them. My first instinct is to think that someone obviously wants something, so what's the ulterior motive? I know he isn't that type of person and it's all in my head. I just get really, really uncomfortable being complimented.

I tried meditation in rehab, I just can't learn to shut my brain off. I can look relaxed and pretend for awhile, but it's just building up and I don't know how to shut it off.
My preferred choice of dealing with it tends to be alcohol. I re-quit drugs again (relasped after a year and a half of being clean. I'm on week 5 now again) but it's easier to be wasted drunk then dealing with myself. I know that hasn't gotten me far, though. I've pretty much been a drunk since I was 14 and got into mu rebellion/f*ck you stage. Nothing, emotionally or physically, hurt as much when you're drunk or high.
I'm not sure what I deserve because I haven't done anything.

Sometimes life is so unfair and it leaves us thinking why is it happening to us when we didn't do anything to deserve it? It sucks, and I know how alcohol can help numb it for a while, and then it makes you want more so that you can keep numbing it, but it's not really a proper resolution. I don't have better alternatives to what the others have suggested, but I do hope you can find a better solution to your issues and be able to deal with them better. Good luck.

JHK said:

Never thought much about that. I think of soldiers and what they experienced and that's not me.

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You don't have to go to war to end up with PTSD. It can develop as the result of rape, abuse, a bad accident/sudden death, or any other kind of trauma. You may want to look into it.

ladyforsaken said:

Sometimes life is so unfair and it leaves us thinking why is it happening to us when we didn't do anything to deserve it? It sucks, and I know how alcohol can help numb it for a while, and then it makes you want more so that you can keep numbing it, but it's not really a proper resolution. I don't have better alternatives to what the others have suggested, but I do hope you can find a better solution to your issues and be able to deal with them better. Good luck.

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Didn't I deserve it? I don't know. I didnt know what i did.
Im loaded and seems alcohlol did its job (lol?)

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Solivagant said:

JHK said:

Never thought much about that. I think of soldiers and what they experienced and that's not me.

Click to expand...

You don't have to go to war to end up with PTSD. It can develop as the result of rape, abuse, a bad accident/sudden death, or any other kind of trauma. You may want to look into it.

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Sèems like a cop out to me. Maybe not worth it? Or I want. T0 be craztly

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Solivagant said:

JHK said:

Never thought much about that. I think of soldiers and what they experienced and that's not me.

Click to expand...

You don't have to go to war to end up with PTSD. It can develop as the result of rape, abuse, a bad accident/sudden death, or any other kind of trauma. You may want to look into it.h

Click to expand...

Sèems like a cop out to me. Maybe not worth it? Or I want. T0 be craztly

Excuse the grammar... way too much beer.

I think PTSD is more common than people think (and no it's certainly not just soldiers). People just often manage to get over it without help or after a short amount of time.

I'm certain I've had it but I was able to overcome it on my own with constant meditation for 2 years. You have to talk about it with people and face it head on and understand it in your mind. You have to come to terms with it in your mind as well and think of it in a way that doesn't bother you. That can be hard to achieve, especially because the memory is very complicated and has too many factors associated with it to be able to comprehend it properly.

Whether you feel you need help with it is up to you but you should definitely consider it if you're beyond the point of being able to handle it yourself.

I can relate to the emotion you feel when you see the chicken. When I think back to a particular day that I was smacked as a helpless child, I tear up, because it's an emotional scar. I don't have PTSD over the event, but I deliberately use it to drive me in supporting fights against child abuse.

Therapon said:

I think PTSD is more common than people think (and no it's certainly not just soldiers). People just often manage to get over it without help or after a short amount of time.

I'm certain I've had it but I was able to overcome it on my own with constant meditation for 2 years. You have to talk about it with people and face it head on and understand it in your mind. You have to come to terms with it in your mind as well and think of it in a way that doesn't bother you. That can be hard to achieve, especially because the memory is very complicated and has too many factors associated with it to be able to comprehend it properly.

Whether you feel you need help with it is up to you but you should definitely consider it if you're beyond the point of being able to handle it yourself.

I can relate to the emotion you feel when you see the chicken. When I think back to a particular day that I was smacked as a helpless child, I tear up, because it's an emotional scar. I don't have PTSD over the event, but I deliberately use it to drive me in supporting fights against child abuse.

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I don't know how to deal with it. I wish I did. I try to ignore it or block it out, but I can't. I don't know if some parts of me thinks I should re-live it, or I'm just weak. That's why I turned to alcohol. It makes everything...dull.
It's easier to forget it all when you can't remember your name.

JHK said:

Therapon said:

I think PTSD is more common than people think (and no it's certainly not just soldiers). People just often manage to get over it without help or after a short amount of time.

I'm certain I've had it but I was able to overcome it on my own with constant meditation for 2 years. You have to talk about it with people and face it head on and understand it in your mind. You have to come to terms with it in your mind as well and think of it in a way that doesn't bother you. That can be hard to achieve, especially because the memory is very complicated and has too many factors associated with it to be able to comprehend it properly.

Whether you feel you need help with it is up to you but you should definitely consider it if you're beyond the point of being able to handle it yourself.

I can relate to the emotion you feel when you see the chicken. When I think back to a particular day that I was smacked as a helpless child, I tear up, because it's an emotional scar. I don't have PTSD over the event, but I deliberately use it to drive me in supporting fights against child abuse.

Click to expand...

I don't know how to deal with it. I wish I did. I try to ignore it or block it out, but I can't. I don't know if some parts of me thinks I should re-live it, or I'm just weak. That's why I turned to alcohol. It makes everything...dull.
It's easier to forget it all when you can't remember your name.

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Are you into the habit of writing? You could start making stories out of your experiences, but fictionalize it, keeping in mind that the world will read it. Get creative and all. Might as well make something useful and positive out of your unique experiences, right?
Or at the most, it could be a good way to compartmentalize the thoughts, then understand yourself better, then know the things you personally need to do to make living every day easier. It could be a long way and may be more painful, but it's at least a step forward.
I don't know, I'm not a professional either, but I just laid on the table my coping mechanisms that has helped me so far with my own fragmented self. That, and weed

I think this might be about you not accepting what happened in the past. Perhaps you should relive all your life again, remembering all those moments and coming to terms with it. I think it could set you free.
Best of luck