Not enough time/energy to online date?

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supernova88

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I'm 25, almost 26, and recently started a new job as a teacher. It has also been a while since I have been a relationship and I'd like to put myself out there yet again. Despite my own social anxieties I don't see myself as a hopeless case as far as dating goes, and having been in a few relationships before I do believe it can happen again. As someone who doesn't go to the bar, though, and who has few friends in the area to lend dating advice or introduce me to someone, I've been tempted to try online dating. In fact I've created two profiles (match.com and plenty of fish) to "look around" until I feel it's the right time to take more action sending messages and whatnot.

The thing is, my new job has taken a lot out of me (waking up early, sleepless nights, after school meetings, etc.), leaving me with little energy to spare on nights and weekends. My job has also impacted several activities I'm deeply committed to and which I'm trying to work back into my schedule as priorities. The point being, I just feel way too busy and tired to not only fit dating, but to fit another human being and her emotional needs, into my life right now. As alone as I feel, the last thing I want to do is to let someone else down by not being there fore her on account of my job and a couple other engagements I'm tied to right now. And yet, I can still feel the sting being so alone at this stage in life. I see all my friends going on dates and getting engaged and married, and I'm still hanging out by myself on a Friday/Saturday night, and really my heart pours right out of my chest.

I'm not sure what the right thing to do for myself is, whether it be to jump into online dating now with the potential it will all work out, or wait a couple months until my life becomes far less hectic and I have time to dedicate to another person. However, I have no idea if or when my time management will finally resolve itself, and I don't want to put myself in a perpetual waiting game. Should I start treading the waters now, maybe find someone willing to take it slow for a while, or should I wait for the right time to give dating all my effort?
 
I can't really give great advice, as I've never even had a girlfriend, and I'm nearly twenty. But, I would probably suggest just waiting until you are used to your new job, and your schedule is sorted so you know when you can and can't do things. Pehaps just look around a little if you have time, but nothing serious yet.
 
supernova88 said:
I'm 25, almost 26, and recently started a new job as a teacher. It has also been a while since I have been a relationship and I'd like to put myself out there yet again. Despite my own social anxieties I don't see myself as a hopeless case as far as dating goes, and having been in a few relationships before I do believe it can happen again. As someone who doesn't go to the bar, though, and who has few friends in the area to lend dating advice or introduce me to someone, I've been tempted to try online dating. In fact I've created two profiles (match.com and plenty of fish) to "look around" until I feel it's the right time to take more action sending messages and whatnot.

The thing is, my new job has taken a lot out of me (waking up early, sleepless nights, after school meetings, etc.), leaving me with little energy to spare on nights and weekends. My job has also impacted several activities I'm deeply committed to and which I'm trying to work back into my schedule as priorities. The point being, I just feel way too busy and tired to not only fit dating, but to fit another human being and her emotional needs, into my life right now. As alone as I feel, the last thing I want to do is to let someone else down by not being there fore her on account of my job and a couple other engagements I'm tied to right now. And yet, I can still feel the sting being so alone at this stage in life. I see all my friends going on dates and getting engaged and married, and I'm still hanging out by myself on a Friday/Saturday night, and really my heart pours right out of my chest.

I'm not sure what the right thing to do for myself is, whether it be to jump into online dating now with the potential it will all work out, or wait a couple months until my life becomes far less hectic and I have time to dedicate to another person. However, I have no idea if or when my time management will finally resolve itself, and I don't want to put myself in a perpetual waiting game. Should I start treading the waters now, maybe find someone willing to take it slow for a while, or should I wait for the right time to give dating all my effort?

Congrats on your new job, supernova. I totally know what you mean with how tight your schedule is as a teacher and how you'd have very little time to focus on other people, other things or even yourself. I think it depends on what your teaching job is like cos I've heard some of my teacher friends who can have a life, but then their work situation is different and not very packed.

I used to teach and I quit just a few months ago and I know what it's like to be so busy all day and night working. It's not easy to maintain a relationship while being so busy - what more online? I mean, it's tough, I've done it, takes a lot of trust and commitment between each other and sometimes you need to sacrifice either work time or personal time or time with each other to do what's priority.

It's not easy too, because you get really tired and when you're tired, your head can get a little messed up.. so.. quite a lot of things would factor in to how you deal with having a relationship during such a time.

In my honest opinion, it's better to have a physical relationship (not online) when you're so busy like this, you know? To me I think, at least you can show your partner the things you do, get her involved and it shows her what work you do that takes up so much time and that way she can have a better understanding of it. I just feel that by being in a physical relationship, you can show more and be involved with each other more than being in an online relationship, when you have a busy schedule. But I guess different people will do things differently so it really depends on how you'd take an online relationship or an offline one.

Either way, only you would know how much you can take on your plate at one time. If you're really busy, and don't think you can invest some time in a relationship, then it'd be best to wait when things are better a little (though in this profession - you never really know when that is) so that it won't be so overwhelming.

If you're anything like me, I usually go all out, I don't let anything else tell me what I can't do and just go for it cos to me, I feel that if I don't give it a shot, I'd never know how far I can go, and if it gets overwhelming, I just have to try and remember to keep myself in check and make sure that I find a balance in the things I do and any problems that come up, I'll deal with them as I go along.

I don't really like to hold back (this might be a bit dangerous depending on what the situation is) and I think I've taken more risks than I have in holding myself back.

You could also try to find someone and have them understand what your life is like.. and see if they can handle it. It also depends on how the other person is like or what she would tolerate.

It's kinda hard for us to tell you what you should do here though, so I guess I can only share with you my opinions and what I think.

Whatever you choose to do, good luck.
 
This is a difficult one to answer. Maybe you should, as you suggested at the end, dip your toe in the water and tell whoever you encounter that you will be taking a relationship slowly at present because of establishing your career. A lot of women of your age will be in the same boat careerwise, and will be happy not to be rushed.
 
Thanks a lot everyone. BTW ladyforsaken when I said online relationship I meant meeting someone online with the intent to meet them in person. Not, you know, dating via instant messenger. Don't know if that was clear or not.
 
supernova88 said:
Thanks a lot everyone. BTW ladyforsaken when I said online relationship I meant meeting someone online with the intent to meet them in person. Not, you know, dating via instant messenger. Don't know if that was clear or not.

Ah okay - I see now. Won't really change much of my response, for the most part.
 
supernova88 said:
And yet, I can still feel the sting being so alone at this stage in life. I see all my friends going on dates and getting engaged and married, and I'm still hanging out by myself on a Friday/Saturday night, and really my heart pours right out of my chest.

I completely understand this {{HUGS}} I go through it every week as well.

Online dating might be something to explore. However, it's probably not going to be easy. It can take a toll on your self-esteem too. You might be lucky and find some compatible matches right off, but for the most part online dating is a joke. People go there to meet singles but when you contact them you get no replies. It makes no sense.

I hope you can find someone.
 
I'm right on board knowing that online dating is a gamble, but honestly I don't know how else to meet people. Besides, after lots of searching and patience my sister met her boyfriend online. Like I said, though, I don't go to bars and clubs, I'm not part of any organization, and since I went to college out of state I don't have many adult friends in the area to hook me up. I hope I find someone, too, because it's not like I'm swimming in single ladies at my job. Unless the 45 year old biology teacher next door happens to be available.
 
I have been doing the online dating thing for a while. I don't think it is nearly as bad as a lot of people say. I see quite a large percentage teachers on there too. I think they have the same problem as you, in regards to time constraints.
I personally think that online dating would be a good idea.

I will also mention that I was part of a singles/social sports league that had a large percentage of single teachers. I have met a lot of cool single people through that league.
 
VeganAtheist said:
I have been doing the online dating thing for a while. I don't think it is nearly as bad as a lot of people say.

It is easier for those with certain in-demand qualities. Presumably yourself, since you have had a decent experience.

I don't mean to be presumptuous, though I'm sure it sounds like it.. :/
 
Batman55 said:
VeganAtheist said:
I have been doing the online dating thing for a while. I don't think it is nearly as bad as a lot of people say.

It is easier for those with certain in-demand qualities. Presumably yourself, since you have had a decent experience.

I don't mean to be presumptuous, though I'm sure it sounds like it.. :/

hahahaha I wish! I am not an attractive guy. I am somewhere between Forrest Whitaker and Cedric the Entertainer on the attractiveness scale. I don't have a great education. I am not rich. I am about as average as they come.

It probably helps a lot that I live in a very big city in the US. Also helps that I am not a creep like a lot of guys on online dating sites.
 
VeganAtheist said:
It probably helps a lot that I live in a very big city in the US. Also helps that I am not a creep like a lot of guys on online dating sites.

I don't see the point in going onto a dating website to be a creep. Kind of defeats the object of going on there.
 
Omnipotent Soul said:
VeganAtheist said:
It probably helps a lot that I live in a very big city in the US. Also helps that I am not a creep like a lot of guys on online dating sites.

I don't see the point in going onto a dating website to be a creep. Kind of defeats the object of going on there.

If they are creeps and they are on dating sites, I doubt that they realise they are being a creep because they just are one.
 
ladyforsaken said:
Omnipotent Soul said:
VeganAtheist said:
It probably helps a lot that I live in a very big city in the US. Also helps that I am not a creep like a lot of guys on online dating sites.

I don't see the point in going onto a dating website to be a creep. Kind of defeats the object of going on there.

If they are creeps and they are on dating sites, I doubt that they realise they are being a creep because they just are one.
POF is filled with creeps, at least where I am. OKCupid is heading that way too. There are a lot of fake profiles on those sites too.
And, yes, the size does matter... size of your city that is :p I live in the largest populated area in WV and can only find about 20 men that meet my search when I include deal breakers. But when I boost it to 100 miles and include Columbus, Ohio, I get a lot of guys. Thing is, they can find plenty of local girls where they are and don't bother with someone 100 miles away.
 
writerchick said:
ladyforsaken said:
Omnipotent Soul said:
VeganAtheist said:
It probably helps a lot that I live in a very big city in the US. Also helps that I am not a creep like a lot of guys on online dating sites.

I don't see the point in going onto a dating website to be a creep. Kind of defeats the object of going on there.

If they are creeps and they are on dating sites, I doubt that they realise they are being a creep because they just are one.
POF is filled with creeps, at least where I am. OKCupid is heading that way too. There are a lot of fake profiles on those sites too.
And, yes, the size does matter... size of your city that is :p I live in the largest populated area in WV and can only find about 20 men that meet my search when I include deal breakers. But when I boost it to 100 miles and include Columbus, Ohio, I get a lot of guys. Thing is, they can find plenty of local girls where they are and don't bother with someone 100 miles away.

Yea, I can imagine WV and the surrounding areas being a very different(i.e. difficult) dating experience. I live in Chicago so I have a large group of people to select from. You never know, though. You may be able to find someone who is willing to try a long distance relationship, if that is something you are willing to try yourself. Even given the large selection of people to choose from, I ended up in a long distance relationship with someone overseas. *shrug*
 
writerchick said:
But when I boost it to 100 miles and include Columbus, Ohio, I get a lot of guys. Thing is, they can find plenty of local girls where they are and don't bother with someone 100 miles away.

LMAO...it amazes me how similar our experiences have been. When I boosted the miles to just 60 (from 30) it returned four times the number of "matches."
But you're exactly right - why would anyone be interested in driving that far when there are plenty of people to choose from that are much closer.
 
VeganAtheist said:
Yea, I can imagine WV and the surrounding areas being a very different(i.e. difficult) dating experience. I live in Chicago so I have a large group of people to select from. You never know, though. You may be able to find someone who is willing to try a long distance relationship, if that is something you are willing to try yourself. Even given the large selection of people to choose from, I ended up in a long distance relationship with someone overseas. *shrug*

It's difficult for me because although I'm a native and my family has a long history in the area, I don't fit in with most of people here in general. I have completely different tastes and outlook on life.
I'm open to a long distance relationship. The guy I *thought* was a great match for me was in Ohio but turned out to be a 2-timing a-hole. So I'm sorta hesitant too. I really want someone I can spend my empty hours with.
I'm working on getting a job in the Columbus area because it seems to fit my interests better anyway.


EveWasFramed said:
writerchick said:
But when I boost it to 100 miles and include Columbus, Ohio, I get a lot of guys. Thing is, they can find plenty of local girls where they are and don't bother with someone 100 miles away.

LMAO...it amazes me how similar our experiences have been. When I boosted the miles to just 60 (from 30) it returned four times the number of "matches."
But you're exactly right - why would anyone be interested in driving that far when there are plenty of people to choose from that are much closer.
Scary :p
 
One of my cousin is a doctor... She had hard time meeting people when she was younger because she was putting herself through medical school... Once she was out of school, all the crazy "hospital" hours pretty much killed her social life... Then she met a doctor... They both understood about the demands of their job & they worked it out...

May be you could find, or look for, someone in your field & has similar schedule... That way, you're not really letting the person down... You guys are on a same schedule & have an understanding what it's like...
 

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