I don't understand how long term relationships are supposed to work

You know something, I am having doubts that I am made to have a romantic relationship with anyone. I don't think I know how and this isn't necessarily anyone's fault. It just never seems to work for me. Like some circuit in my brain doesn't get it.

It doesn't understand the long term satisfaction one can get from a long term relationship. It just simply doesn't compute. Nor, how monogamy facilitates this. (That last sentence will probably draw some huge criticism.)

Do you think that there are some people out there that're just not made for romantic relationships? I just wish I could convince my inner-desire to be with people that I actually have no ******* idea what I'm doing and that I should simply give up.

No, i don't think some people aren't made to have long term relationships. It seems to me that you simply have not found what a long term relationship can add to your life. I shouldn't be one to speak, considering my lack of experience. However, the way i see it, is that a long term relationship simply enhances what you already have. If you look at your life as a sketch, or elaborate sketch, a partner would be bringing the colour. Do i make sense? Well, that's just my take on it.

Maybe the only way you can find out is through experiencing being in a relationship and figuring how it makes you feel? Sometimes you can't really know exactly what it does for you until you go through it yourself. I mean, before I had any relationship at all, I never knew what it could do or how it'd be like or if it's something I would be happy with. I had no idea what I was doing either.

Meeting people who makes you feel happy and want to spend time with could also help bring out certain feelings or emotions or understanding of it in one way or another, I feel.

I also feel that there are people who don't see the need for long term relationships or any relationship at all. I have 2 aunts, who are single and they are in their late 50s and 60s and they told us that they have no desire for any romantic relationship and wish to remain single till the end. Nothing wrong with that, as long as you know what you're doing and that it makes you happy.

There are all kinds of people in this world, including those who have no need or desire for romantic relationships. There's nothing wrong with it or you. You may be aromantic.

I'd say the definition of a 'romantic relationship' is still pretty much subjective. So it might be true that you can't have such a relationship with anyone - if your definitions aren't overlapping to some degree. What counts as romantic for some of us could just as well be regarded as rather platonic for the next one. The important thing is that you are comfortable with it. And don't let other people/society/whatever force ideals of a typical relationship onto you that oppose your own.

I agree. I figured out awhile ago that I am just going to be alone forever. There is something about me that just doesn't work and I don't know how to fix it.
Short flings or over nighters are okay for every physical need, but sometimes you get tired of using and being used and actually meaning something other then a fresia would be nice. But I guess I'm not one of those people.
I think this is another of those "Life's a ***** and then you die" things.

SophiaGrace said:

You know something, I am having doubts that I am made to have a romantic relationship with anyone. I don't think I know how and this isn't necessarily anyone's fault. It just never seems to work for me. Like some circuit in my brain doesn't get it.

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I have my doubts that I am made to have any type relationship. My brain doesn't comprehend how people connect with other people. My parents aren't able to explain it to me. They met and have been married over 40 years. They didn't date anyone else. My brother met his girlfriend in middle school and dated up until they got married after college. They didn't date anyone else. I'm the black sheep because I don't understand how to find dates.
The problem is that I desperately want a relationship. I just don't understand how people get close to other people... at least without them punching you for getting too close.

Rosebolt said:

No, i don't think some people aren't made to have long term relationships. It seems to me that you simply have not found what a long term relationship can add to your life.

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I think cognitively I understand but emotionally...I haven't figured out how to rewire myself to accept that sort of relationship.

Does that make sense?

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ladyforsaken said:

Maybe the only way you can find out is through experiencing being in a relationship and figuring how it makes you feel?

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During being in a relationship I mostly feel as if I haven't found a fit for me.

Either I select people that are emotionally unavailable because I don't understand normal dynamics of relationships, or I select people who reciprocate but I don't feel equal feelings for.

I'm kinda frustrated. It just doesn't click for me.

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Solivagant said:

There are all kinds of people in this world, including those who have no need or desire for romantic relationships. There's nothing wrong with it or you. You may be aromantic.

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The thing is, I seem to want to be close to people romantically, but it just doesn't work out. Like there's something missing from my head.

I do seem to prefer having really close friendships since they are much more stable for me than romantic relationships have been.

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JHK said:

I agree. I figured out awhile ago that I am just going to be alone forever. There is something about me that just doesn't work and I don't know how to fix it.

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I wish I could just figure it out and focus on making friends instead of having this gnawing empty feeling inside of me. But I too feel like there's something inside of me that just doesn't work, and I don't know how to fix it either.

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blackdot said:

I have my doubts that I am made to have any type relationship. My brain doesn't comprehend how people connect with other people. My parents aren't able to explain it to me.

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Your family seems pretty atypical.

I've had to have other people explain to me how relationships work, and this has improved my ability to communicate with others.

Let me le-explains...

Sophia Grace's Romantic Relationship Guide:

Plan Z. Release the zombies!

I've been worrying a lot lately that even if I can become more interesting and better-looking, it just won't be enough. That there's something about me that just fails to trigger a spark in women. I'm like a little kid still. I have no "game", and idk, I just wouldn't feel too good about it. I just don't feel I'd really be being me if I tried to have "game", if I tried to act like I was just too cool for everything. But idk what to do. I'm afraid that I am incapable of getting a romantic relationship because I don't have any attitude, which means I am fundamentally unable to excite girls at any level deeper than mere friendship.

What I get out of it is the simple fact that I don't have to bother with any more dudes. One's enough. Can't even say I'd pursue someone else if things didn't work out.

TheSkaFish said:

I've been worrying a lot lately that even if I can become more interesting and better-looking, it just won't be enough. That there's something about me that just fails to trigger a spark in women. I'm like a little kid still. I have no "game", and idk, I just wouldn't feel too good about it. I just don't feel I'd really be being me if I tried to have "game", if I tried to act like I was just too cool for everything. But idk what to do. I'm afraid that I am incapable of getting a romantic relationship because I don't have any attitude, which means I am fundamentally unable to excite girls at any level deeper than mere friendship.

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You'd probably be one of my best friends in real life. If you did have an attitude, I probably wouldn't talk to you at all, or I'd see right through all your too-cool-for-school bullshit and still want to be friends with you (as long as you didn't talk smack about women all the time).

So, friendship is a good thing coming from me. Either I make the person feel understood, or we talk all the time.

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VanillaCreme said:

What I get out of it is the simple fact that I don't have to bother with any more dudes. One's enough. Can't even say I'd pursue someone else if things didn't work out.

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I don't blame you really.

SophiaGrace said:

You know something, I am having doubts that I am made to have a romantic relationship with anyone. I don't think I know how and this isn't necessarily anyone's fault. It just never seems to work for me. Like some circuit in my brain doesn't get it.

It doesn't understand the long term satisfaction one can get from a long term relationship. It just simply doesn't compute. Nor, how monogamy facilitates this. (That last sentence will probably draw some huge criticism.)

Do you think that there are some people out there that're just not made for romantic relationships? I just wish I could convince my inner-desire to be with people that I actually have no ******* idea what I'm doing and that I should simply give up.

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I can empathize to some extent, because for me at least, the amount of flexibility required, in addition to the fact that I'm drained by all kinds of socializing, which leads me to desire lots of space/time apart from people.. makes it simply a ridiculous, foolish endeavor for one like me. I don't think it would even be fair to attempt a long-term romantic relationship with someone.

Not sure if any of those are your reasons, but that's how it seems for me.

SophiaGrace said:

You'd probably be one of my best friends in real life. If you did have an attitude, I probably wouldn't talk to you at all, or I'd see right through all your too-cool-for-school bullshit and still want to be friends with you (as long as you didn't talk smack about women all the time).

So, friendship is a good thing coming from me. Either I make the person feel understood, or we talk all the time.

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Yeah, you seem like a pretty nice person yourself. I wish more people thought like you, and wanted to hang out with other people who wanted to just be, instead of flocking to those who put up a too-cool-for-school front all the time, or were always trying to act "hard" or "dangerous". That's what excites most people, it seems.

I like to think that I don't talk smack about women all the time. Sometimes I do when I'm feeling really down and out and upset, from my experiences. But I don't feel like I engage in that a lot. If I talk smack about anyone, it's the "cool"/"tough" guys.

Anyway. Yeah. I wish I too could understand how long term relationships work, and how to get someone interested in me. Like I said, all I really do is be me, I have no "game" or anything that resembles wit or flirting skills. I really do think that puts me at a disadvantage though. I think people like the perceived rush of flirting, especially with perceived "tough" or "dangerous" people, the same way one might like driving a fast car or skiing. I'm a little bit animated, I'd say. I can certainly be friendly and even outgoing when the setting is right. In fact I'd even go as far as to say I'm extroverted sometimes. But so far, it's just not been enough. I think it would get better if I made myself more interesting, but even then, I don't know. The uncertainty gets at me - will anyone ever like me? It would take something completely unexpected to happen, because I look ahead and really don't see how.

I have wondered the same thing myself. I somehow enjoy my alone time immensely, but then also want to find a life companion. It's like I want someone to be alone with, if that makes any sense. I feel like a walking contradiction at times. So I get what you mean when you say it's like it's something in your brain that doesn't compute. I wonder if my brain is wired... weird. I hardly ever relate to people enough for them to be more than acquaintances to begin with.

For all I know I could meet someone and then when the physical intimacy side of being with someone is fulfilled I may eventually want to go back to being alone, but I just don't know because I have only been with one person and it was long distance and we only met in person twice. The longest we spent together is a week and that's not really a good gauge for that.

I've never known what to do with myself, so I just drift through life. I often think it would be nice to have someone to drift with. Which is why I refer to it as wanting a companion. I don't even see it as finding someone who is "girlfriend material" as I hear many call it, or someone who is "wife material." I hate that way of looking at it and when it is referred to as the dating "game."