Story of My Depression

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SophiaGrace

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I guess I will start off this forum with some self-disclosure, maybe it'll help others self disclose as well. I, myself, have issues with depression.

My depression really started at age 14 when I admitted to myself that my father sexually molested me. It sent me into a tail-spin of loneliness and sadness because up until that point I had kept myself in denial of what had occured. You see, I loved my father very much. I followed him around in the yard, learning archery and how to fish...even hunting techniques. I remember him reading to me The Old Man and the Sea, but never finishing it.

The memories are pretty bad. One of them involves me holding onto a stuffed animal, and my father wanted me to go into my brother's room. So, I do. He closes the door. And he says "I want to see if you can suck." and he puts his finger in my mouth. So, i demonstrate that I can do this.
Nothing else happens. Walking down the hall in high school, I remember this occured, like a flashback. I had an instant "Ew!" reaction to it.

I used to take showers in my parent's bathroom as a child. The door to the shower, as with most showers, is glass. And, I remember my father standing in the master bedroom (the bedroom he and my mom slept in) , staring at me in a strange way. My mom closed the door between the shower and the bedroom. During my parent's divorce, my father's behavior became more and more bizarre.

There was also a time where my father told my mother that he was going to sleep with me. And, he did, but I remember that he slept in the other twin bed. He was implying that my mom wasn't doing a good job. The second night he tried this, my mom physically stopped him and said she'd call the cops if he tried it again. I remember her physically blocking him from my room. I don't think I understood what was going on at the time. I was 11.

Another memory, where I was sitting at the breakfast bar probably eating, and my dad came up behind me and touched my breasts to "see how they were developing."

I remember sitting with my mom in our formal living room and saying to her "When I think of dad, I get a weird twisting feeling in my stomach." and I pointed downwards. My father was the first figure I became sexually aroused to. To this day I think that is really really messed-up, but I also didn't know any better and I was going through puberty at the time. I was very innocent of everything.

It did get reported to CPS eventually (when I was 14 and broke down in the lunchroom at school), and I was too unsure of my own memories and too afraid of my father to give a straight answer to the District Attorney at that time. He told me I had until age 21 to pursue the case, statute of limitations and all of that. I'm now 25. I've cut contact with my father.

But these things started my depression at age 14. I found myself wanderng around the woods close to my house, alone. Wandering down to the creek and trying to make bridges, fantasizing about bringing friends there. Climbing into an abandoned treehouse whose boards were probably pretty rotten. It was unsafe, I did it anyways.

--to be continued--
 
*big hugs*

I am so sorry you had to go through that, Soph. I really admire your strength to share your story.
 
So this is how it began, and I've always seemed to have this difficulty with self-soothing. Things that other people consider small, appear on my radar as larger obstacles. And, if I get upset, it takes longer for me to calm down and center myself than for others.

When I was 19 my depression became worse with the passing of my best friend. Since he and I shared the same very rare disability, afterwards I didn't see the point of living. And, fell into a state of major depression spanning a couple of months. I wrote suicide notes, I planned out my death, and I felt very trapped and alone in this state of being.

During one of those nights where I planned to do myself in, I came on ALL (I was a new member then, this is just a reincarnation of myself) and signed into the chatroom. I was drunk, and I basically was just venting to him about not wanting to live. Leowolf was a very kind person and he got me past the point of despair to where I just wanted to go to bed. So, I went to bed instead of going through with my plan.

I felt like I was a burden upon everyone, and my anti-depressant didn't seem to be helping me. I remember when I expressed not wanting to live anymore to my psychologist, it made her cry. Then I felt bad, because, obviously she liked and cared about me.

There was another night where I planned again to do it, and I was standing outside alone. It was a summer night, and, there was just barely enough light to see the outline of the trees. And I looked down into the water (I was by a body of water) and part of me psychologically fell into it. Death seemed so utterly lonely, and cold and deep. Something icy came and sat inside me, maybe a feeling of dread. The feeling became overwhelming. I left, and didn't do anything to harm myself.

Eventually my depression became better. I no longer felt a certainty that my life would end that way.

Today, I still feel an underlying sense of psychological weakness. Maybe it's fear that I will go back to that place.

I do things that protect myself, like take a reduced workload. I try to take care of myself if I am not eating right or not sleeping enough. I'm on an antidepressant which seems to smooth over the worst of my thoughts. I'm getting exercise with a game called Ingress, and I am making sure to to make friends and reduce the risk factor of isolation, which can cause depression to worsen.

I still have negative thinking, and I notice that it is still emotionally not easy for me to self-soothe myself (I wonder if this is because I grew up an an emotionally unstable environment, so this emotional pattern seems normal to me? Or, if it's genetic.) Sometimes I still don't see the point of my existence but the potential of helping others seems to be giving me more purpose in life, as well as a renewed belief in God.

Sometimes it's difficult to see my own future or wonder if I can deal with potential failure in my life. Things seem to work out though, and the sense of feeling overwhelmed passes. I'm doing well. Sometimes I consider making meditation a daily part of my life to improve my concentration and maybe as a way to be able to cut off negative emotional streams that would otherwise last longer.

It's very important to me that others not have to suffer in silence like I did. That others not have to deal with people's misconceptions of suicide or those that are depressed that inhibit true empathy and communication with that person. It's also very important to me that others truely listen to each other when people are in a bad place, a lot of people are uncomfortable with doing so and this worsens the depression these people feel, forcing them into isolation. There's a lot of ways the listening process can be screwed up. It's not an easy skill to genuinely learn.
 
*Hugs* I'm sorry you went through all that. Kind and brave of you to open up like this to everyone though. Thanks for doing that. If you feel like you need to PM someone, I won't always be online, but I'm here.

Also, you play Ingress too? The Enlightened will rule over you all! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
 
AmytheTemperamental said:
*big hugs*

I am so sorry you had to go through that, Soph. I really admire your strength to share your story.

Thank you, Amy. :)


Mr Seal The Albatros said:
*Hugs* I'm sorry you went through all that. Kind and brave of you to open up like this to everyone though. Thanks for doing that. If you feel like you need to PM someone, I won't always be online, but I'm here.

Also, you play Ingress too? The Enlightened will rule over you all! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Yeah, I play Ingress too. I'm a level 6 smurf right now. :)

Enlightened aren't really ruling much these days around me. SORRY! :D (I do need to recharge my portals though)

You're welcome, about me opening up to you. Thank you for the offer of support, it means a lot to me. :shy:
 
I'm so sorry to read about what you've been through, Soph. *hugs*

I bet it takes a great deal of strength and bravery to write about all this. Amy's right, it's very admirable of you. I may not know much of your current life, but for some reason I feel like you do a lot of good things to help others, especially in the areas of depression. I do follow your tumblr on suicide and depression awareness - I absolutely love it. You're such an awesome person, Soph. It's so unfortunate how bad things happen to a lot of good people.

You always inspire me a lot. Even more now after reading the hardships you've been through. Just shows what a really strong person you are.

SophiaGrace said:
It's very important to me that others not have to suffer in silence like I did. That others not have to deal with people's misconceptions of suicide or those that are depressed that inhibit true empathy and communication with that person. It's also very important to me that others truely listen to each other when people are in a bad place, a lot of people are uncomfortable with doing so and this worsens the depression these people feel, forcing them into isolation. There's a lot of ways the listening process can be screwed up. It's not an easy skill to genuinely learn.

+1
I totally understand and feel the same way you do about this.
 
ladyforsaken said:
I'm so sorry to read about what you've been through, Soph. *hugs*

I bet it takes a great deal of strength and bravery to write about all this. Amy's right, it's very admirable of you. I may not know much of your current life, but for some reason I feel like you do a lot of good things to help others, especially in the areas of depression. I do follow your tumblr on suicide and depression awareness - I absolutely love it. You're such an awesome person, Soph. It's so unfortunate how bad things happen to a lot of good people.

You always inspire me a lot. Even more now after reading the hardships you've been through. Just shows what a really strong person you are.

SophiaGrace said:
It's very important to me that others not have to suffer in silence like I did. That others not have to deal with people's misconceptions of suicide or those that are depressed that inhibit true empathy and communication with that person. It's also very important to me that others truely listen to each other when people are in a bad place, a lot of people are uncomfortable with doing so and this worsens the depression these people feel, forcing them into isolation. There's a lot of ways the listening process can be screwed up. It's not an easy skill to genuinely learn.

+1
I totally understand and feel the same way you do about this.

Hi LadyForsaken. Always a pleasure to hear from you. :)

I'm trying to think of something to say to you.

I think that pain sometimes makes us more empathetic to other people's pain which has its plusses and negatives. I know....there was a member here....trying to remember her name.

She had a lot of pain but she was very kind and empathetic. I loved her to bits and pieces. You would've liked her too. I don't think she comes around anymore.

Oh, it was dead. :)

If you ever see her around, say hi. She's great. :D
 
You're right, Sophia. There are the positives and negatives to being empathetic due to the pain we've experienced.

Ooh, is dead the one with the really cool handwriting? I'll keep her in mind, and will say hi if I see her around here. :)
 
That's so sad. Please keep going though. That's all really tough to deal with, but you can do it if you have others around you. :)

If you ever do go back to that place, just remember that we're here.
 
ladyforsaken said:
You're right, Sophia. There are the positives and negatives to being empathetic due to the pain we've experienced.

Ooh, is dead the one with the really cool handwriting? I'll keep her in mind, and will say hi if I see her around here. :)

I have no recollection of any member here on ALL having cool handwriting. So, she may be the one, or may not be. :/

Sorry for being terse, my brain is fried.

*squish*
 
ladyforsaken said:
SophiaGrace said:
I have no recollection of any member here on ALL having cool handwriting. So, she may be the one, or may not be. :/

Sorry for being terse, my brain is fried.

*squish*

So I did a search and I was right! It is dead with the awesome handwriting. It's here www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=28893&pid=539849#pid539849

You should see her sculptures she's made out of clay and then destroys afterwards.

She's an amazing artist all-around. :)
 
ladyforsaken said:
^Dead sounds like a really creative and awesome person. :)

Yeah, if only she would realize that about herself.

She truely is amazing. :)
 

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