S
SophiaGrace
Guest
I guess I will start off this forum with some self-disclosure, maybe it'll help others self disclose as well. I, myself, have issues with depression.
My depression really started at age 14 when I admitted to myself that my father sexually molested me. It sent me into a tail-spin of loneliness and sadness because up until that point I had kept myself in denial of what had occured. You see, I loved my father very much. I followed him around in the yard, learning archery and how to fish...even hunting techniques. I remember him reading to me The Old Man and the Sea, but never finishing it.
The memories are pretty bad. One of them involves me holding onto a stuffed animal, and my father wanted me to go into my brother's room. So, I do. He closes the door. And he says "I want to see if you can suck." and he puts his finger in my mouth. So, i demonstrate that I can do this.
Nothing else happens. Walking down the hall in high school, I remember this occured, like a flashback. I had an instant "Ew!" reaction to it.
I used to take showers in my parent's bathroom as a child. The door to the shower, as with most showers, is glass. And, I remember my father standing in the master bedroom (the bedroom he and my mom slept in) , staring at me in a strange way. My mom closed the door between the shower and the bedroom. During my parent's divorce, my father's behavior became more and more bizarre.
There was also a time where my father told my mother that he was going to sleep with me. And, he did, but I remember that he slept in the other twin bed. He was implying that my mom wasn't doing a good job. The second night he tried this, my mom physically stopped him and said she'd call the cops if he tried it again. I remember her physically blocking him from my room. I don't think I understood what was going on at the time. I was 11.
Another memory, where I was sitting at the breakfast bar probably eating, and my dad came up behind me and touched my breasts to "see how they were developing."
I remember sitting with my mom in our formal living room and saying to her "When I think of dad, I get a weird twisting feeling in my stomach." and I pointed downwards. My father was the first figure I became sexually aroused to. To this day I think that is really really messed-up, but I also didn't know any better and I was going through puberty at the time. I was very innocent of everything.
It did get reported to CPS eventually (when I was 14 and broke down in the lunchroom at school), and I was too unsure of my own memories and too afraid of my father to give a straight answer to the District Attorney at that time. He told me I had until age 21 to pursue the case, statute of limitations and all of that. I'm now 25. I've cut contact with my father.
But these things started my depression at age 14. I found myself wanderng around the woods close to my house, alone. Wandering down to the creek and trying to make bridges, fantasizing about bringing friends there. Climbing into an abandoned treehouse whose boards were probably pretty rotten. It was unsafe, I did it anyways.
--to be continued--
My depression really started at age 14 when I admitted to myself that my father sexually molested me. It sent me into a tail-spin of loneliness and sadness because up until that point I had kept myself in denial of what had occured. You see, I loved my father very much. I followed him around in the yard, learning archery and how to fish...even hunting techniques. I remember him reading to me The Old Man and the Sea, but never finishing it.
The memories are pretty bad. One of them involves me holding onto a stuffed animal, and my father wanted me to go into my brother's room. So, I do. He closes the door. And he says "I want to see if you can suck." and he puts his finger in my mouth. So, i demonstrate that I can do this.
Nothing else happens. Walking down the hall in high school, I remember this occured, like a flashback. I had an instant "Ew!" reaction to it.
I used to take showers in my parent's bathroom as a child. The door to the shower, as with most showers, is glass. And, I remember my father standing in the master bedroom (the bedroom he and my mom slept in) , staring at me in a strange way. My mom closed the door between the shower and the bedroom. During my parent's divorce, my father's behavior became more and more bizarre.
There was also a time where my father told my mother that he was going to sleep with me. And, he did, but I remember that he slept in the other twin bed. He was implying that my mom wasn't doing a good job. The second night he tried this, my mom physically stopped him and said she'd call the cops if he tried it again. I remember her physically blocking him from my room. I don't think I understood what was going on at the time. I was 11.
Another memory, where I was sitting at the breakfast bar probably eating, and my dad came up behind me and touched my breasts to "see how they were developing."
I remember sitting with my mom in our formal living room and saying to her "When I think of dad, I get a weird twisting feeling in my stomach." and I pointed downwards. My father was the first figure I became sexually aroused to. To this day I think that is really really messed-up, but I also didn't know any better and I was going through puberty at the time. I was very innocent of everything.
It did get reported to CPS eventually (when I was 14 and broke down in the lunchroom at school), and I was too unsure of my own memories and too afraid of my father to give a straight answer to the District Attorney at that time. He told me I had until age 21 to pursue the case, statute of limitations and all of that. I'm now 25. I've cut contact with my father.
But these things started my depression at age 14. I found myself wanderng around the woods close to my house, alone. Wandering down to the creek and trying to make bridges, fantasizing about bringing friends there. Climbing into an abandoned treehouse whose boards were probably pretty rotten. It was unsafe, I did it anyways.
--to be continued--