Depression, self harming and my story

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Erevetot

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This will be a long, emotional thread. It'll contain my personal experiences. While I dont usually open up myself to people, I raelly need it as Im in a really dark place.

Excuse any grammatical errors and stuff, I'm partialy drunk, and crying



So. I grew up next to a kid called John. We were friends, brothers, since we were babies. We lived literaly a door away, sleeping at each other's house etc. When we were 14, he suicided. He hang himself on the pull-up bar he had on his room. There were no signs for it. He was always happy, he had loving parents, a good life as they were financaly stable, and he was a smart kid, always good at school, and sports.

When that happened, I didnt care. For 2-3 months I acted like it was just another summer, with him and his family visiting his grandparents in Italy. Then it hit me that he was gone, and it killed me. I locked myself out of everying and everyone. My family didnt even notice, so in less than a year I was drinking and smoking daily, and by the time I was 16 I've been using drugs (coke, heroin and "happy pills"). It didnt help me, I was doing it because It made me feel honeysuckle. Hurting myself physically made the emotional pain go away. Around 17-18 I decided I wanted to die. I didnt want my life anymore, I gave up on school, sports and friends, and started self-hamring, first cutting myself and then overdoing it with drugs, trying to OD myself.

One night I succeeded.I was cutting, and OD'd, some randoms found me and took me to the hospital. I was safe in 3-4 days, but they kept me for 2 weeks, to make sure I dont do it again. They brought me a psychiatrist (is that how its called) and he tried to help me.
In the hospital, a classmate of mine from school started visiting me. A girl, that I barely even noticed. Till then any interactions I had with girls were to set a date and make out/sex with different girls at random clubs every week.
I never expected to like her. But i fell in love with her. I needed it, I needed to feel loved, and she gave me that.

We spent hours together in the hospital. When I was out the hours became days, and the days months. On our 1 year anniversary she told me that she'll register on the same university as me so we can be together.
On the 2 years, we moved in. Her parents owned an apartment on her building block, and they allowed us to stay there for free, as long as we pay for our food/electricity/water bills. We both had part time jobs, so we made it.
We were in love, we were breathing for each other.
i proposed to her, and we got engaged. We planned on getting married after we finish university, in one year from now.

Due to not being carefull, she got pregnant. We had long talks about it, we both wanted a child at some point but we were too young and not even close to ready for it. She wanted an abortion. I didn't, but I knew that if I said it to her, it'd hurt her. So I lied, I told her I wanted an abortion too, I made it easier for her.
It killed us. For the next 3 months we barely had any physical contact, and while we still loved each other, we were cold. In the end, I broke up with her. She agreed that we needed to do it. It hurt us both, but it was needed. Up to this day we still regret it. When we randomly come across each other in campus, we look in each other eyes and we can both see how much we hurt and miss each other. But we wont be together. She moved on, and so did I

After that, I went back to myself. I quitted any friends I had, and I stayed home, barely got out, barely talked to anyone. I started spending my time on my computer, online, entertaining myself with stupid youtube videos, and then I got into video games. I was sad. I was still cutting myself, but I didnt want to die. I made some online friends, I wasted days playing and talking to them. It was fun. It destroyed me, as by making online friends I pretty much made myself scared of meeting someone IRL. I've lost any "tricks" I had with the girls, and hardly made any friends. The 2 guys I considered friends from highschool were trying to help me, but i didnt open myself to them, and in the end they gave up.

Then, I met her. A beautifull girl, on the grocery store. She was crying on the isle for alcohol. I accidentaly pushed her, apologized and saw her red eyes. We talked and I somehow asked her out. We ended up on a date, she explained to me how her father just died from lung cancer. I was there for her, and for 2 months, we were in love. Then she left. She literally told me "thank you for being there for me, now I'm strong enough again." and that was it.

It destroyed me more.

That was this January,2014. For her I had quitted my online friends, so I was all alone. I was cutting, drinking and crying myself through everyday, until May, when I joined another community. Met some people, made friends, was a bit happy. Then I met a girl online. If you read my Relationship help thread, then you already know
We got to know each other more than the rest, and we're now in love, trying to make something work.

But nothing will work. 3 weeks in, we're probably breaking up. I messed up. We play in a group, and we use a phone app called whatsapp to talk to the group through the day, and privately to each other. Noone in the group knows about us, and as every online community, it's full of thirsty loners. She already denied 2 of the guys. Today she sent some singing messages on the group about how she likes that im there. I was joking around, telling her to shut up, so for fun she acted like it turned her on and like she was moaning for me beind "rude" to her.

some of the guys found it sexy, and it annoyed me, i got jealous, and I talked to her about it. We fought, because when "I make fun of her its fine, but when she does make fun of me Im taking it serious and fight over nothing". She went to sleep for a bit as she had a long day at work, and when she woke up she told me that she doesnt know what will happen with us as everyday we fight, and that it hurts her and it makes her feel mistreated.

I told her that I love her, that im sorry and that I dont mean it, that ill try my best to make it work and make her feel like a queen. We had a chat of her telling me how I blame it on her and me aggreeing as I know I fresia up. Then i asked her what she wants to do with us and she told me to not force her to answer it, as i'll not like it.



I'm feeling like honeysuckle. I alredy cried my eyes dry. I already cut both my arms, using the physical pain to counter the one in my heart.
At the moment of typing this I've had half a vodka bottle and waiting on a "friend" to pick me up and go get messed up, drink until i feel nothing.

I dont know what I'll do if I'll lose her. I sound pathetic, I know, but she's the only reason I wake up. Without her, I'm done. I'm gonna give her her space for tonight, I believe that she'll decide to be with me. If not, well... honeysuckle

I've been praying a lot. I used to be religious until my friend suicided, I felt that God abandoned me then. Now, I pray every day. I feel there is someone listening to me, and actually helping me. All my prayers have been answered so far. I really hope this one will as well...



I'm sorry for the long thread. It may get closed or whatever, but I really needed to talk to someone. IRL, noone will hear me. My family wont understand, they'll probably use the "it's the video games" card and take my PC away. My friends... well, I got none. The 2 people I consider friends, are just 2 guys from highschool that we go grab some drinks and play some billiard once every 2 weeks or something. THey got girlfriends, jobs and area about to graduate, they wont care about my honeysuckle
Doctors... hell no. I tried 3, all just gave me medicine. I hated it, it was messing with my mind (yes even more). I just need someone to love and love me back, and I got that girl if she stayes with me. I need someone to talk to, and these forums is it. Most of you probably dont give a fresia, but I really needed to open my heart.

If you think i'm just another stupid pathetic coward, that prefers to cry and cut about everything instead of being strong and fight, you're right. I'm not strong anymore. My feelings are like a timebomb, ready to explode. One day I'm happy, productive, painting and writting music, the next I'm considering jumping off my roof.


Thanks for your time. I'm out for now, I'll check this again in 3-4 hours.

I'm sorry if it;s in the wrong section.


Any help is accepted, I really need it.

if anyone wishes to be my friend, chat and stuff, PM me with your skype or any other contact details you wish.


Thank you <3
 
I just want you to know that I read this and that you were heard by me.

Dealing with suicidal thoughts is somewhat difficult. Sometimes you just have to tell yourself that today is not that day or think really hard of what to look forward to next. Or, just deal with the thoughts and try to move on knowing that you have ups and downs. This can be particularly hard to see when you are feeling bad. Just as it is probably difficult to resist the urge to cut. (I'm speculating on the self-harm though because I've never done it myself.) It's also hard to think of things that will make your mood better when you feel bad.

With chemicals...there's always a down, always a price to pay. So, if you ingest some sort of drug, alcohol or even just a cup of coffee, you'll always have to pay the piper sooner or later. And the piper isn't a nice person to be indebted to. Also, you're still left with the state of mind, or the kinds of thought processes that could lead you to do it again. It's a quick fix.

I can't tell you what to do, but, those are my thoughts and it seems like these relationships really hit you hard when they don't work out. I'm sorry you're in pain. Most human beings want to feel as if they are loved and belong. It's completely normal.

If you haven't already posted some of your paintings on this forum's Express Yourself subforum, I'd like to see them. :)
 
SophiaGrace said:
I just want you to know that I read this and that you were heard by me.

Dealing with suicidal thoughts is somewhat difficult. Sometimes you just have to tell yourself that today is not that day or think really hard of what to look forward to next. Or, just deal with the thoughts and try to move on knowing that you have ups and downs. This can be particularly hard to see when you are feeling bad. Just as it is probably difficult to resist the urge to cut. (I'm speculating on the self-harm though because I've never done it myself.) It's also hard to think of things that will make your mood better when you feel bad.

With chemicals...there's always a down, always a price to pay. So, if you ingest some sort of drug, alcohol or even just a cup of coffee, you'll always have to pay the piper sooner or later. And the piper isn't a nice person to be indebted to. Also, you're still left with the state of mind, or the kinds of thought processes that could lead you to do it again. It's a quick fix.

I can't tell you what to do, but, those are my thoughts and it seems like these relationships really hit you hard when they don't work out. I'm sorry you're in pain. Most human beings want to feel as if they are loved and belong. It's completely normal.

If you haven't already posted some of your paintings on this forum's Express Yourself subforum, I'd like to see them. :)

^^ Same thoughts as this here. I just read your post and I'm sorry you're going through this. If you feel like chatting, by all means, feel free to shoot me a PM sometime. You sound like you would be an awesome friend. :)
 
I'm not sure if you're familiar with Game of Thrones, but this part of it has always stuck with me, where the swordmaster is training Arya how to fight with a sword.



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...I should post this on my blog
 
thanks for your replies everyone.

The whole "relationship" thing... when Im alone, Im "fine". i hate myself, i harm myself, i let myself go as it hurts noone but me. but when i find a girl to like me, fall in love with me, an i feel the same way, im better. i got someone else that will be hurt if i get hurt, someone that i care about, a reason to try and transform my sadness and pain into love and caring for that person. so when it ends, i dont miss the person, i miss the good feelings i had in me.

and before someone suggests it, no, i cant do it to a friend. i cant make friends easily. im "that guy" that looks tough and hard, that is always cool, that's always joking and laughing, but when you get to know him better is crying and dying inside. LOts of people abandoned me when they get to know me better, because they see how broken i am. and thats why i hate it. because, when i get in a relationship, i show the real me, the broken one, and they still love it.

anyways, im gonna go to bed now as im drunk and sad and i really dont want to do anything stupid. tomorrow im expecting an answer from my girl, if we breakup or not. if we do, expect me 24/7 in these forums. im here for a sort time, but the love and support ive seen from the members is more than i even gotten from any "friends".
I hope the whole thing will go good. If we get through this, we'll be fine.
Goodnight everyone, thank you
 
Erevetot said:
thanks for your replies everyone.

The whole "relationship" thing... when Im alone, Im "fine". i hate myself, i harm myself, i let myself go as it hurts noone but me. but when i find a girl to like me, fall in love with me, an i feel the same way, im better. i got someone else that will be hurt if i get hurt, someone that i care about, a reason to try and transform my sadness and pain into love and caring for that person. so when it ends, i dont miss the person, i miss the good feelings i had in me.

and before someone suggests it, no, i cant do it to a friend. i cant make friends easily. im "that guy" that looks tough and hard, that is always cool, that's always joking and laughing, but when you get to know him better is crying and dying inside. LOts of people abandoned me when they get to know me better, because they see how broken i am. and thats why i hate it. because, when i get in a relationship, i show the real me, the broken one, and they still love it.

anyways, im gonna go to bed now as im drunk and sad and i really dont want to do anything stupid. tomorrow im expecting an answer from my girl, if we breakup or not. if we do, expect me 24/7 in these forums. im here for a sort time, but the love and support ive seen from the members is more than i even gotten from any "friends".
I hope the whole thing will go good. If we get through this, we'll be fine.
Goodnight everyone, thank you

Here's hoping for the best. Good night. :)
 
I read your story and my heart goes out to you. The suicide of your friend at such a crucial time in your life clearly had a profound effect on you. I guess you must now be worried that everyone you get close to will leave you, which must make you feel insecure in relationships.

I hope things work out.
 
Erevetot said:
anyways, im gonna go to bed now as im drunk and sad and i really dont want to do anything stupid. tomorrow im expecting an answer from my girl, if we breakup or not.

I don't have very much to say but I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and good luck tomorrow with your girlfriend. Let us know how it goes.
 
SophiaGrace said:
Erevetot said:
anyways, im gonna go to bed now as im drunk and sad and i really dont want to do anything stupid. tomorrow im expecting an answer from my girl, if we breakup or not.

I don't have very much to say but I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and good luck tomorrow with your girlfriend. Let us know how it goes.

my tomorrow is now :)

We talked, she wanted to break up as she felt that while she loves me and wants to be with me, she has to give too much energy for it.

I calmed her down and told her that we can get through it and that we can make it work and be fine. We're still together

I sadly got the feeling that she stayed with me just to make me hate her so I end what we got and hurt less.
 
Erevetot said:
SophiaGrace said:
Erevetot said:
anyways, im gonna go to bed now as im drunk and sad and i really dont want to do anything stupid. tomorrow im expecting an answer from my girl, if we breakup or not.

I don't have very much to say but I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and good luck tomorrow with your girlfriend. Let us know how it goes.

my tomorrow is now :)

We talked, she wanted to break up as she felt that while she loves me and wants to be with me, she has to give too much energy for it.

I calmed her down and told her that we can get through it and that we can make it work and be fine. We're still together

I sadly got the feeling that she stayed with me just to make me hate her so I end what we got and hurt less.

If tomorrow is now, and it is, obviously i can't count. D;

My brain...lol.

I need to get back to writing my paper. bbl.
 
SophiaGrace said:
Erevetot said:
SophiaGrace said:
Erevetot said:
anyways, im gonna go to bed now as im drunk and sad and i really dont want to do anything stupid. tomorrow im expecting an answer from my girl, if we breakup or not.

I don't have very much to say but I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and good luck tomorrow with your girlfriend. Let us know how it goes.

my tomorrow is now :)

We talked, she wanted to break up as she felt that while she loves me and wants to be with me, she has to give too much energy for it.

I calmed her down and told her that we can get through it and that we can make it work and be fine. We're still together

I sadly got the feeling that she stayed with me just to make me hate her so I end what we got and hurt less.

If tomorrow is now, and it is, obviously i can't count. D;

My brain...lol.

I need to get back to writing my paper. bbl.

Haha might be time zones Sophie. I still accidentally PM people while they're sleeping. :p

Well, at least it hurt less (if I read it right).

How are you feeling at the moment?
 
Mr Seal The Albatros said:
SophiaGrace said:
Erevetot said:
SophiaGrace said:
Erevetot said:
anyways, im gonna go to bed now as im drunk and sad and i really dont want to do anything stupid. tomorrow im expecting an answer from my girl, if we breakup or not.

I don't have very much to say but I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and good luck tomorrow with your girlfriend. Let us know how it goes.

my tomorrow is now :)

We talked, she wanted to break up as she felt that while she loves me and wants to be with me, she has to give too much energy for it.

I calmed her down and told her that we can get through it and that we can make it work and be fine. We're still together

I sadly got the feeling that she stayed with me just to make me hate her so I end what we got and hurt less.

If tomorrow is now, and it is, obviously i can't count. D;

My brain...lol.

I need to get back to writing my paper. bbl.

Haha might be time zones Sophie. I still accidentally PM people while they're sleeping. :p

Well, at least it hurt less (if I read it right).

How are you feeling at the moment?

It's timezones, and me being drunk :) It was around 3 in Friday night when I typed it, so now it's Saturday. Anyways, Im confusing myself more and more :p

The whole thing is a bad emotional rollercoaster at the moment. One moment we're fine, the next we're not. That, along with my negativity and depression just makes me a mess

Thanks to awesome ladyforsaken ,I'm feeling better. We're chatting on skype and she's being a HUGE support, I really need it and it really helps me. I cant thank you enough <3
 
Erevetot said:
Thanks to awesome ladyforsaken ,I'm feeling better. We're chatting on skype and she's being a HUGE support, I really need it and it really helps me. I cant thank you enough <3

I'm glad that LadyF was able to help you. She is a very good person.
 
Case said:
Erevetot said:
Thanks to awesome ladyforsaken ,I'm feeling better. We're chatting on skype and she's being a HUGE support, I really need it and it really helps me. I cant thank you enough <3

I'm glad that LadyF was able to help you. She is a very good person.

I've noticed :D She actually helped me and made my day, with great advices and listening to my honeysuckle

Again, I cant thank her enough
 
Erevetot said:
Case said:
Erevetot said:
Thanks to awesome ladyforsaken ,I'm feeling better. We're chatting on skype and she's being a HUGE support, I really need it and it really helps me. I cant thank you enough <3

I'm glad that LadyF was able to help you. She is a very good person.

I've noticed :D She actually helped me and made my day, with great advices and listening to my honeysuckle

Again, I cant thank her enough

Oh I'm so happy for you. I hope in time you will feel better. :)
 
Thanks Case, and Seal.

You're most welcome, Erevetot - besides you helped me too, in some ways. So thank you.

Glad you're feeling a little better at least. :)

Hope things will work out for you and your girl.
 
i thought i was strong, i was through this. but im not, so here i am again...

This time with a question. Im at a point that i feel im broken. Nothing can cheer me up, and while im trying to keep my chin up high and i manage to do it for a bit, i always break in the end.

So, i think it may be time I seek help. Now, I've tried psychiatrists(right word?) in the past, they never helped. They gave me some honeysuckle medicine that messed my head worse.
But it could have just been these 2 docs. This is a question to anyone that has recieved profesional help. Is it worth it? Money is not an issue, I've been saving for emergencies for a while now, so I mean, did it help you? Was the time and effort worth it in the end? Because I feel that they'll fail like the other two, and it'll be a huge waste of my time and effort
 
Oh dear. Well, psychiatrists often prescribe medicine. Have you tried a psychologist or therapist? They tend to do interviews or methods that might not require medication. I've only seen a psychologist for improving my social skills, so I don't know how well it will work, but it's at least a method that will likely not involve pills.

I hope the time when things get better comes soon. :)
 

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