'relapse': opium and psychosis

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simhthmss

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freezing time until you run out of money, that punctuation in life that lets your brain shut up for a bit, did i chose this?
i believe within ourselves we have absolute free will, so i guess i did.

i had been on reducing methadone for years, 'clean', is the word apparently, i wouldn't say that, you have to pour so many replacements in to your life to stop just thinking of morphine that i was doing every drug except morphine, everything's the same though after £1000 of tranquilizers and whatever else i ran out of things to cram in that blood soaked hole opiates always turn in to glowing warmth.

i have run out of money again, soon the psychosis and withdrawals are comming...i used to be stronger but i hear voices all day now, constant whispers, always the most dreaded things. my head spins in to psychosis when chemically unbalanced now and im about to be very f'ing unbalanced, i feel like someone waiting for an executioner to say the word 'fire'.

even though i hadn't taken it for years 'one night' i thought one more dance and it had me.

i had forgotten how...kind a drug it is, you're just warm, theres no intense hallucinations, or amphetamine like comedowns, the world is just 'nice', things are just nice, i have no friends anywhere, morphine feels like a hug from some unseen lover.

what amazed me is i was already bored of it by the third time but kept it up; the hug turns in to a necessity that sometimes you don't even feel and when you do its so normalized you end up disappointed with it, you feel if its going to take everything you have that it should **** well be worth it every time

i find the psychosis of hearing voices terrifying and im 'doing ok' right now apparently, i feel over shadowed by this looming wall of pain and insanity, i look at people on the street, wondering why one of them cant love me
 
i empathize with you as i didn't 'understand' until my brother died unexpectedly and violently from a speed ball at the age of 31...i was 32 at the time...

this is one of the songs i chose for his funeral...most people think it's simply a beautiful song about being with angels but if you actually listen to the lyrics you will find that it's a beautifully written song all about the struggles of heroin/drugs...i don't mention this to be morbid or to say that you or anyone else will die...i mention it because when i for the first time listened to the lyrics it made me completely understand exactly what my brother was going through at the time and i never even knew it...he kept his darkness to himself...and that deeply saddens me on every level that he went through this darkness and pain all alone...

even after over 14 years i still can't listen to this song in its entirety...

in memory of my brother richard...rip rich t.


[video=youtube]
 
I'm sorry you don't have any cushion to use to come down with. That sounds really harsh. :/
 

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