Social Starvation

I feel like I am starving for social contact after what happened today.

I had plans to see a movie with a close friend of mine today. These moments are all I need satisfy my desire for sociability. I don't need much, and the positive effects last for a good while.

Unfortunately, at the last minute, my friend asked me if she could take her 12 year old nephew along to see the movie. I know this kid, so I said, "Sure." We arrived in separate cars and met inside the theater. The nephew was seated between me and my friend, which was Odd Thing #1 because I'm usually sitting next to my friend, and now... I wasn't. Anyway, prior to the movie, she asked me how I was doing, but since the nephew was there, I clammed up. I was in no mood to reveal my life with a 12 year old listening to me. So, I said something non-committal, and changed the subject.

Odd Thing #2 happened when the movie trailers began. The nephew and my friend started making private jokes with each other, making me feel left out of their humor. What began as a movie-date with two long-standing friends turned into one dude sitting alone, and his friend laughing it up with her nephew.

Anyway, the film was great. One of my favorite parts of watching movies is talking about it afterwards. However, due to the nephew being there, Odd Thing #3 wasa that I felt an internal force holding back my words. I did not feel comfortable expressing myself in front of the nephew, and so I held back.

We left the theater, my friend and her nephew in her car, and me in mine, and I truly wondered why I even bothered to arrange this with her since my desire was to gain a bit of a social experience, and all I wound up with was an awkward situation for me with a movie in the middle. I could have had a better time alone and not have had to deal with the filters that shot up so suddenly, thanks to the presence of a 12 year old nephew.

What was intended to be a social moment with a close friend of mine turned into a moment where I got none of the benefits that being social give me, and I felt far away from my friend.

I got home and felt lonelier than I'd felt in a long, long time. And the sad thing is, my friend probably has no idea that I feel this way.

If there is a non-sexual version of a "cock-block," which would be someone's presence denying me simple socialization with my friend, then I think I just got it from a 12 year old. And I want my goddamn socialization back!

Hi Case, I am sorry that the experience was spoiled for you. I don't know your friend or the circumstances of her life, but I am guessing here that she is not as lonely as most of us here are, so she won't have realised how important seeing the film with her was for you and how much you would have valued sitting next to her, chatting to her, and then discussing it with her afterwards, and how this would have satisfied your desire for sociability for a time.
I would say that probably she put her nephew in the middle as she wouldn't have wanted him to feel awkward and left out by two adults and that she shared private jokes with him for the same reason. But she didn't stop to think that by doing this, you were being overlooked and ignored.
To be honest, I find it hard when a third person is suddenly included at the last minute because even if I don't get overlooked, it alters the dynamics of a social meeting. I remember once going for a meal with a friend in a local community centre and someone she knew came in and came up to us and asked to sit with us to eat. I had only met him once and hardly knew him, but refusing would have been rude and unfriendly and I wouldnt have wanted to hurt him. His presence spoiled the meal for me. He never stopped talking and it was a relief to finish eating and to leave.

Tiina63 said:

I am guessing here that she is not as lonely as most of us here are, so she won't have realised how important seeing the film with her was for you and how much you would have valued sitting next to her, chatting to her, and then discussing it with her afterwards, and how this would have satisfied your desire for sociability for a time.

Click to expand...

Thanks, Tiina. She isn't struggling like I am, but she knows my issues and she listens. But she has such a large family that she's never alone like me. She's a very busy woman, so the "old" days of hanging out with her are not really possible these days. I haven't had a simple one-on-one chat with her in so long I can't remember. Most of the times I see her, it's with her family around, and I'm similarly bottled up. The mask goes on, and I'm not as open with them as I am with her.

Tiina63 said:

I would say that probably she put her nephew in the middle as she wouldn't have wanted him to feel awkward and left out by two adults and that she shared private jokes with him for the same reason. But she didn't stop to think that by doing this, you were being overlooked and ignored.

Click to expand...

I think she probably felt it wasn't an issue since I've known the nephew for a while. But she might not realize that I am not as close to him as I am with her. I expected her to sit in the middle so that she could have nephew time and friend time, but that didn't happen. Maybe she thought that I was more social with her nephew than I really am.

Tiina63 said:

To be honest, I find it hard when a third person is suddenly included at the last minute because even if I don't get overlooked, it alters the dynamics of a social meeting. I remember once going for a meal with a friend in a local community centre and someone she knew came in and came up to us and asked to sit with us to eat. I had only met him once and hardly knew him, but refusing would have been rude and unfriendly and I wouldnt have wanted to hurt him. His presence spoiled the meal for me. He never stopped talking and it was a relief to finish eating and to leave.

Click to expand...

Thanks for sharing that example with me. You definitely know how it feels. I also accepted this third person because I'm nice, friendly, and I didn't want to disappoint anyone. It's amazing how we kinda shut down a bit when people we don't know as well inadvertently interfere with our socialization. I guarantee you that my friend did not realize what she was doing or how I would be reacting to this. Also, I can't be mad at anyone because this is normal for both of them. To her, she has often seen movies with family members deciding at the last second that they wanted to go, but it's not something I experience almost ever.

She considers me like a brother, but I don't open up with her family like I do with her, and I think she might under-estimate how important a movie with her means to me. It's familiar and she makes me feel comfortable. Add almost anyone else to the mix, and I'm less comfortable, I'm on guard a bit, and I don't act like I would if it were a one-on-one with her. Maybe she doesn't realize the difference, or the fact that I don't act the same around her when other people are present, but I certainly feel the difference.

I'm also wondering if it makes any sense to tell her how I feel. I'm leaning toward not telling her because she has enough stress in her life that this will seem rather trivial. So, I think I just have to suck it up and find other ways to not starve socially.

Tiina63 said:

Hi Case, I am sorry that the experience was spoiled for you. I don't know your friend or the circumstances of her life, but I am guessing here that she is not as lonely as most of us here are, so she won't have realised how important seeing the film with her was for you and how much you would have valued sitting next to her, chatting to her, and then discussing it with her afterwards, and how this would have satisfied your desire for sociability for a time.
I would say that probably she put her nephew in the middle as she wouldn't have wanted him to feel awkward and left out by two adults and that she shared private jokes with him for the same reason. But she didn't stop to think that by doing this, you were being overlooked and ignored.
To be honest, I find it hard when a third person is suddenly included at the last minute because even if I don't get overlooked, it alters the dynamics of a social meeting. I remember once going for a meal with a friend in a local community centre and someone she knew came in and came up to us and asked to sit with us to eat. I had only met him once and hardly knew him, but refusing would have been rude and unfriendly and I wouldnt have wanted to hurt him. His presence spoiled the meal for me. He never stopped talking and it was a relief to finish eating and to leave.

Click to expand...

yep two's company, three's a crowd. Like yourself I don't like been with two other people. Almost all of the time the other two will talk and leave me out of it. Happens tons of times. That's why I only like to socialize with one other person. Then that person has no choice but to talk to me !

Back to the original poster. Sounds like a really crap experience, especially when you was looking forward to it. I would maybe go alone to the cinema next time.

---

Case said:

Tiina63 said:

I am guessing here that she is not as lonely as most of us here are, so she won't have realised how important seeing the film with her was for you and how much you would have valued sitting next to her, chatting to her, and then discussing it with her afterwards, and how this would have satisfied your desire for sociability for a time.

Click to expand...

Thanks, Tiina. She isn't struggling like I am, but she knows my issues and she listens. But she has such a large family that she's never alone like me. She's a very busy woman, so the "old" days of hanging out with her are not really possible these days. I haven't had a simple one-on-one chat with her in so long I can't remember. Most of the times I see her, it's with her family around, and I'm similarly bottled up. The mask goes on, and I'm not as open with them as I am with her.

Tiina63 said:

I would say that probably she put her nephew in the middle as she wouldn't have wanted him to feel awkward and left out by two adults and that she shared private jokes with him for the same reason. But she didn't stop to think that by doing this, you were being overlooked and ignored.

Click to expand...

I think she probably felt it wasn't an issue since I've known the nephew for a while. But she might not realize that I am not as close to him as I am with her. I expected her to sit in the middle so that she could have nephew time and friend time, but that didn't happen. Maybe she thought that I was more social with her nephew than I really am.

Tiina63 said:

To be honest, I find it hard when a third person is suddenly included at the last minute because even if I don't get overlooked, it alters the dynamics of a social meeting. I remember once going for a meal with a friend in a local community centre and someone she knew came in and came up to us and asked to sit with us to eat. I had only met him once and hardly knew him, but refusing would have been rude and unfriendly and I wouldnt have wanted to hurt him. His presence spoiled the meal for me. He never stopped talking and it was a relief to finish eating and to leave.

Click to expand...

Thanks for sharing that example with me. You definitely know how it feels. I also accepted this third person because I'm nice, friendly, and I didn't want to disappoint anyone. It's amazing how we kinda shut down a bit when people we don't know as well inadvertently interfere with our socialization. I guarantee you that my friend did not realize what she was doing or how I would be reacting to this. Also, I can't be mad at anyone because this is normal for both of them. To her, she has often seen movies with family members deciding at the last second that they wanted to go, but it's not something I experience almost ever.

She considers me like a brother, but I don't open up with her family like I do with her, and I think she might under-estimate how important a movie with her means to me. It's familiar and she makes me feel comfortable. Add almost anyone else to the mix, and I'm less comfortable, I'm on guard a bit, and I don't act like I would if it were a one-on-one with her. Maybe she doesn't realize the difference, or the fact that I don't act the same around her when other people are present, but I certainly feel the difference.

I'm also wondering if it makes any sense to tell her how I feel. I'm leaning toward not telling her because she has enough stress in her life that this will seem rather trivial. So, I think I just have to suck it up and find other ways to not starve socially.

Click to expand...

Didn't she speak at all to you during the film ?
Sounds odd.

Triple Bogey said:

That's why I only like to socialize with one other person. Then that person has no choice but to talk to me !

Click to expand...

I'm the same. It's hard for me to open up so deeply with most people, so when I find someone (like my friend) who likes these kinds of deep conversations, it ruins it if someone else is around because I have to dial back on the openness.

Triple Bogey said:

Didn't she speak at all to you during the film ?
Sounds odd.

Click to expand...

It's not odd to me. She was two seats away from me, which meant that talking with me during the film would have been very awkward. Not to mention, bothersome for the people trying to watch the movie. When we see movies together, once the movie starts, we don't speak at all unless one of us needs to step out for a moment.

Case said:

It's not odd to me. She was two seats away from me, which meant that talking with me during the film would have been very awkward. Not to mention, bothersome for the people trying to watch the movie. When we see movies together, once the movie starts, we don't speak at all unless one of us needs to step out for a moment.

Click to expand...

Actually that is one reason I tend not to go to movies with other people. It isn't really a place to talk so I actually find it odd that people go together. They sit quietly in the dark.

I definitely feel that I don't like to go to any event with more than a few people because of this empty feeling afterward. I don't think I am being selfish but I sometimes feel used afterward. Like there are two people who are interacting and I am there for like some reason we really aren't sure of. When I am in that situation I always try hard to include the odd one out.

Probably just a bad day.

Hi Case, my experience with those who have children (this one was a nephew, but still) is that they don't realize that not everyone else is so fond of the child as they are, and that the time spent with child is not the most awesome thing in the world. They just don't get it. I suspect that she didn't even conceive that the nephew would have been a bother to you, maybe she thought it was going to be a fun experience the three of you.
Anyway, I hope next time she mentions the nephew, you come up with some unexpected change of plans, until she understands, or plain tell her: I was hoping to have time to chat, ask for your advice, whatever.

Case said:

What was intended to be a social moment with a close friend of mine turned into a moment where I got none of the benefits that being social give me, and I felt far away from my friend.

I got home and felt lonelier than I'd felt in a long, long time. And the sad thing is, my friend probably has no idea that I feel this way.

Click to expand...

This happened to me a couple of times back in school days. I'd just begun to to attempt more socializing. Every now and then I contacted the few friends I had who weren't stay-at-home introverts like me. I always left the choice of the activity to them...sometimes this consisted of nothing more than sitting in a car in the middle of nowhere and having a chat. And I was more than comfortable with that.

But as soon as they brought some of their friends (classmates which I didn't know that well) around I could feel myself going silent and nervous pretty quick. It didn't even matter whether they were kind towards me - after all they knew what 'kind of person' I am from school. So when that happened I returned home with the very same feeling of loneliness I already struggled with day after day...

Years later I knew I had set the bar too high for myself...all these confrontations with unknown situations (and people) were too much for me. The worst thing is: I never had the courage to tell any of my friends that I'd rather spent the time with them alone either. Of course I could just tell myself that the world is not orbiting around myself alone and that I sacrificed my own comfort for the greater good. Although they were my friends I knew that they wouldn't have had that much fun if they had spent their time just with me...hmm, but I guess it's not much use crying over spilled (and now rotten) milk.

I'm not sure how comfortable you feel telling with your friend exactly how you experienced that evening from your perspective, Case. It might help clearing some things up - so you're not suddenly confronted with an awkward third-wheel-situation again. I just know it hasn't done me any good keeping my personal experience to myself over the years.

Case said:

Triple Bogey said:

That's why I only like to socialize with one other person. Then that person has no choice but to talk to me !

Click to expand...

I'm the same. It's hard for me to open up so deeply with most people, so when I find someone (like my friend) who likes these kinds of deep conversations, it ruins it if someone else is around because I have to dial back on the openness.

Triple Bogey said:

Didn't she speak at all to you during the film ?
Sounds odd.

Click to expand...

It's not odd to me. She was two seats away from me, which meant that talking with me during the film would have been very awkward. Not to mention, bothersome for the people trying to watch the movie. When we see movies together, once the movie starts, we don't speak at all unless one of us needs to step out for a moment.

Click to expand...

I used to go with this married woman. Just me and her. We would always whisper stuff to each other during the film. It was actually really nice when I think back.

Triple Bogey said:

I used to go with this married woman. Just me and her. We would always whisper stuff to each other during the film. It was actually really nice when I think back.

Click to expand...

Interesting. I never really whisper anything during a movie. My friend and I would maybe whisper stuff during the trailers, but once the movie starts, we usually keep quiet.

We also stay after the movie to watch all of the credits because we're both big movie nerds. We're often among the last people in the theater when the projector turns off. I've been doing that ever since I can remember, and she's a kindred spirit in that regard.

---

Rodent said:

I'm not sure how comfortable you feel telling with your friend exactly how you experienced that evening from your perspective, Case. It might help clearing some things up - so you're not suddenly confronted with an awkward third-wheel-situation again. I just know it hasn't done me any good keeping my personal experience to myself over the years.

Click to expand...

I don't know. I might mention it to her, but I don't know if I'll be seeing her any time soon. We'll be seeing each other at the end of the month for sure, but it'll be with a lot of other people around, so I may not have the chance for quite some time. And by the time I see her again, I think I will have gotten over it.

As it turns out, what socialization I was starving for I was able to get from another person on the phone. So, everything got better. I'll see how I feel about talking to my friends about the third-wheel thing and if it's still worth discussing when I finally get her one-on-one.