Rejection

When do we say that enough is enough? When do we call time on the things that we love that we know are slowly destroying us?

I have been seeing a counsellor for a while now and things have started to make a lot more sense than before I did...I openly talk and think about things within my hour long session and it has been so good to talk. I have surprised myself at what I have said...but this week things have taken a turn for the worse...

My counselling session has focussed on my problems with being rejected...and the more I consider things the more I realise that I cannot take any more rejection...the total feeling of abject failure is one that I just cannot take any more.

My parents invited themselves over this week to come and see me and we were supposed to be going out for something to eat...they haven't been to see me for about 3 years...it is a half hour drive...I asked them to come and let my cat out once when I was away...but they were too busy. I phoned them the day before they were due to come over and turned them down...my reason...because I realised that both my brothers were away with their families in Glastonbury and that the reason they were coming over is because my brothers weren't about.

I was supposed to go and see my girlfriend last night. She has recently been away to help her sort through problems she has had and get them out of her system by writing them down...I have read them and they are truly awful...the things she has had to go through...it makes my life seem easy in comparison. We didn't meet up. She was too tired from work over the week (she has done 70 hours) and wanted to go home and go to sleep...I have seen her for one hour in the past 11 days...and god knows I miss her...and I just want to be held tight and told that everything will be ok.

My one true rock is work...and these last few weeks have got worse and worse...I wrote a letter of resignation last night...there were four things that happened yesterday that told me to give it all up...even my work is starting to reject me.

My worry is that I am starting to feel anger and resentment towards all the things around me...and I know why...it is because I am constantly feeling rejected...and everyone makes me feel rejected.

For the first time last night in my entire life I actually wondered why I am here any more...the first time in my life I am actually thinking that I really don't want to be here any more...and yes for the first time in my life I actually thought about slipping off my seat belt and strategically placing my car into a tree...but I fear that even death might reject me.

I am truly sorry to all the people I have ever upset or hurt in my life. I never did anything intentionally to hurt you and you know I never would.

I am so sorry.

Dude, the work thing is just work you know. You are going to have times when you wont to fro all that in. That is normal. Just stick with it and if works getting a bit much fro a sicky for a couple of days. Everyone dose it from time to time. just don't make a habit of it. No longer then 3 days tho all you well have to get ye self a sick note from the docs. You should have a big holiday coming soon right. The 6 weeks thing. sounds like you might benefit from a break right now. Holed out tell then. At lest you might get a little thinking space.

Did you have a fall out with your parents? I mean that's a bit crazy how they never see you and your not that far away. Or do you go to them? I mean I live a 2 minute walk from my mum and dad but my dad never comes here, I always have to go there. I like it that way tho to be honest. But ye the only time he comes here is when I ask him to do a job for me. Like lay a carpet or something that am not to good at. My mum comes here often tho.

Now your GF she been fro a lot ye. So you love her I take it. So how is it going to help her buy ending all this. And I have thought about "strategically" parking up with a tree be for but you just know the **** airbag would go off and I would be left with a broken noes and a smashed up car.

I hear what your saying about your work being your rock. But there are going to be times that you need a break from that as well. If you work hard then you well get fed up with it sometimes.

Keep strong mate and try and holed out for the hols. Everyone needs a break. I mean its common knowledge that your line of work is stressful.

I cannot take any time off...I do the work of three people so at this moment in time that really isn't an option...and I really do love my job but these last few weeks I am starting to hate it.

I always have to go and see my parents. In the last 12 years of living in my own house(s) my parents have probably visited about 4 times...I asked them over for New Year...and they decided to go see my brother instead...says it all really.

You don't understand about the six weeks though. I am sitting here now in bed at 10-30am with little or nothing to do...I just think...and when you have 6 weeks of being able to do nothing but think then you can see why I am dreading my time alone.

I have never got fed up with my work...I love the job I do and have worked so hard to be the person that I am proud to be...but I just wish I could be happy...Thomas Jefferson was right...he didn't refer to Happiness in his Declaration...he refered to being in Pursuit of Happiness...

I just wish he had said that one day we all might find it and keep it.

Thanks Bluey.

I see what you mean. I did think actually as I was typing that, that you might not be to keen on the holidays coming up. something just kinder told me that.

To much time can be a bad thing. But sometimes its a good thing just so we can re-gather our thoughts.

You tried exercising when you get board? I fined that sometimes it takes a lot of motivation but always makes me feel loads better. Sometimes I can't be bothered with loads but just to get out in the fresh air makes a real difference.

I do think that your parents are like a lot of parents in that they think its up to the kids to visit if they wont to. Well my dad has been here probably less then 10 times in 6 yeas. And every time it was cos I asked for some help with something. He don't mined its just he's not one to visit. If he thinks he's there for a reason hes moor comfortable with that. Just the way he is I guss.

You still at work in your head lol You teaching me about Thomas Jefferson lol Well What is happiness? I mean who do you know that is truly happy? Don't matter how happy you are there well always be something else or somebody else that you wont.

I think to be happy is just to be content with your lot in life. I mean I have a body that really gets me down on a level where I feel like having that drive fro date with a tree. Sometimes I think it would not matter if I got cancer or something. But then I have a nice place to live in and am feed and am not getting forced to do anything I don't wont to do. So most of the time I would say %80 of the time am content with what I have but still would like moor. There are certain thing in my life that I know I well never be able to have. This is a body that well not hold me back from gaining full time employment and the ability for it to not get tired faster then a normal person would. But this dose not stop me from trying to fined my place in life where am going to be content and happy. Oh now am ranting lol sorry about that. My point, what was my point lol Yes that's right now I remember. My point is look at what you have and look at the life you could be having in a few years. You have a job that you love. This I would say is a lot that a lot of ppl do not have. I mean if you really hate your job then you would not just hate the time your there but at night you would be hating the fact that your there the next day as well.

This is all Thomas Jefferson's fault putting the idea into our heads that we can be happy lol I would say to be content in that you are able to life each day and have a laugh in that day and a little faith that the future well work its self out is all one can really expect. Take each day as it comes. Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

davechaos, i can't really add anything that Bluey hasn't already said. I just hope that things are looking a little brighter for you today.

Find an outlet for all that pain you have inside, Dave. At least until you can find some peace within. You despair. I am sad. Even when all the kindness around you is gone, hope still lingers on. ((((Dave))))

Eve