Trying not to be the boyfriend

So... yeah. I'd be a bad boyfriend, but in case someone does wind up having a crush on me, I need to know how to express I can't without hurting her feelings. I need to be really careful doing this though. Any ideas?

Just be honest with her, find out her intentions and tell her straight out how you feel. You can't tip toe around it or else you could just end up confusing her and creating more problems.

Sci-Fi said:

Just be honest with her, find out her intentions and tell her straight out how you feel. You can't tip toe around it or else you could just end up confusing her and creating more problems.

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That's the plan. I meant is it possible to lessen the blow? From what I've seen this sort of thing is devastating to people.

Mr Seal The Albatros said:

Sci-Fi said:

Just be honest with her, find out her intentions and tell her straight out how you feel. You can't tip toe around it or else you could just end up confusing her and creating more problems.

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That's the plan. I meant is it possible to lessen the blow? From what I've seen this sort of thing is devastating to people.

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There is no way to lessen the blow if you tell someone who has a crush on you that you are not interested in reciprocating their affections. The person with the crush will be hurt, no matter what. Maybe the only way is to be kind about it and not rude or insulting. But it's still a rejection, and the person "crushing" will have to get over it at some point.

But I see it like ripping off a bandage. It'll hurt immediately, but the pain eventually goes away.

Mr Seal The Albatros said:

So... yeah. I'd be a bad boyfriend

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Why are you so sure you would be a bad boyfriend?

As far as what you're asking, honestly is best. Don't drag it out and let her have hope that she can get you, that will just hurt her more.

Thanks for the comments guys. I'll be sure to do that.

TheRealCallie said:

Mr Seal The Albatros said:

So... yeah. I'd be a bad boyfriend

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Why are you so sure you would be a bad boyfriend?

As far as what you're asking, honestly is best. Don't drag it out and let her have hope that she can get you, that will just hurt her more.

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I wouldn't be a good boyfriend because I'm not used to and not ready for a commitment like that. I don't really know how this sort of thing works, and I might also wind up being neglectful of my girlfriend, and I'd rather keep a friend rather than lose one from a relationship breakup.

Mr Seal The Albatros said:

TheRealCallie said:

Mr Seal The Albatros said:

So... yeah. I'd be a bad boyfriend

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Why are you so sure you would be a bad boyfriend?

As far as what you're asking, honestly is best. Don't drag it out and let her have hope that she can get you, that will just hurt her more.

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I wouldn't be a good boyfriend because I'm not used to and not ready for a commitment like that. I don't really know how this sort of thing works, and I might also wind up being neglectful of my girlfriend, and I'd rather keep a friend rather than lose one from a relationship breakup.

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I think you're just looking for excuses because maybe you're scared or so you don't mess up or something along those lines.

No one really knows how it works until they do it. Your first girlfriend will likely not be the one you are "meant" to be with. It's all trial and error. You can't know what works and doesn't work unless you try. Mistakes will happen, hell even arguments will happen, but unless you take the leap and dive in to a situation like that, you won't be able to learn at all. Also, making mistakes and messing up and not knowing how it works doesn't mean you won't make a good boyfriend. Just communicate with the girl and you'll be fine. It may not always work out, but it will help you grow as a person.

Don't sell yourself short, you seem like a great guy and I bet you'd do better in a relationship than you think you would.

TheRealCallie said:

I think you're just looking for excuses because maybe you're scared or so you don't mess up or something along those lines.

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Being scared - or treading carefully at least - is not a bad attitude though. I wish more people would think before jumping head first into every opportunity for a relationship. After all fear is a protective mechanism and in this case it might protect you and somebody else from getting hurt when it's avoidable. Not everyone who is a good friend is also a good partner. That's just basic damage control to me.

Making some good and bad experiences is necessary, no doubt about that. If you don't feel up to it though, you should take your time and figure out what you're lacking. In some cases it might just be confidence.

Rodent said:

TheRealCallie said:

I think you're just looking for excuses because maybe you're scared or so you don't mess up or something along those lines.

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Being scared - or treading carefully at least - is not a bad attitude though. I wish more people would think before jumping head first into every opportunity for a relationship. After all fear is a protective mechanism and in this case it might protect you and somebody else from getting hurt when it's avoidable. Not everyone who is a good friend is also a good partner. That's just basic damage control to me.

Making some good and bad experiences is necessary, no doubt about that. If you don't feel up to it though, you should take your time and figure out what you're lacking. In some cases it might just be confidence.

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I agree that fear is not a bad thing, all the time. BUT, I do feel it is bad when it stops you from trying at all.

TheRealCallie said:

I agree that fear is not a bad thing, all the time. BUT, I do feel it is bad when it stops you from trying at all.

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I'll second that. Sometimes we all have to take a leap of faith to move forward and to mature. In the end everyone has to decide for themselves whether the pain is worth the gain. Looking back at my own sore history, I gotta admit there've been days when I wasn't sure how much of it was worth it. But hey, what's done is done...

Let's assume it was a friend going through depression. Knowing one, I wouldn't want to provoke the person into accidentally... well, you know.

Damage control. You still have to be as straightforward as possible then. Be a friend and nothing more. If you leave an inch of uncertainty, you're prone to cause a lot more harm than comfort in the long run - even it seems like you did something 'good' for the moment.

I'm being that explicit because I experienced that scenario...twice.

Sharing the same viewpoint with you..
I agree with what has been said. Honesty is the best way. May not be the least painful, but its the right decision, that you say respecting the other.
But for me, I think the best way is to avoid acting in a way, and putting myself in situations, where one may develop the crush. Being overly intimate, or acting in a way that it seems I´m open towards having relationship, or I´m suitable for it, is something I avoid.
I had the problem of some friends having crush on me in the past, so I think I was able to determine how to act and carry myself for he situation of someone having crush on me not to happen.
So that would be my suggestion, as you wanted an answer..Its somehow an answer I guess.

With that said, I think you should reconsider. People in here are telling you you should do so, and I think they may know you already to determine your fears are irrational. You may start a thread "should I be open towards the possibility of having a relationship?" or something like that to gather opinions. As you are here, its likely you already know what loneliness is like, and its not something desirable.
So my really suggestion would be for you not to close doors for the possibility of having a relationship. I think that would be for the best.

Mr Seal The Albatros said:

So... yeah. I'd be a bad boyfriend, but in case someone does wind up having a crush on me, I need to know how to express I can't without hurting her feelings. I need to be really careful doing this though. Any ideas?

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I dont think that the reis a good and bad way of telling someone you are not interested. They will get hurt, but at least make it clear fast that you are not interested, not to keep the person waiting and hoping for a positive answer.

I see. Thanks for the advice guys. I'll keep it in mind.

Like everyone else already said, honesty is the best way to go. It will still hurt, but at least the sooner you get on with it, the sooner that person can get over it. Hopefully for you, it would clear your conscious knowing that you did what was right, even if it was wrong. It's never an easy thing knowing that you had to hurt that person because it was the kindest thing you could for them.

Wish you well, Mr. Seal