ending it all
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Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:
Lady X
Well-known member
I got to a really low point a few years ago. I genuinely could not see any way out, anything better ever being possible. So I took an overdose.
Obviously it failed, which at the time just seemed to make everything worse. But now, where I am today and looking back at it, I am so **** glad that it failed. I haven't sorted out all of my demons yet, I still have my "black dog", but it is nowhere near as bad as it was.
When it failed, and I ended up in hospital, I was given an ultimatum by the mental health crisis team that are called here under such cases - to start on a course of anti-depressants and go on the waiting list for psychotherapy, or be sectioned and have all that anyway but against my will. Not having much choice, I went home with the pills and a weekly doctors appointment. I was mightily pissed off at this and I did not want to take those tablets at all. Not to mention the waiting list for mental health help in the UK is abysmal, especially in my area so it was an 18 month wait potentially.
But... they surprised me. The tablets (Citalopram -an SSRI) were a ***** at first to wean onto, but over a few months I found that the chemical imbalance had started to right itself and for the first time in a long time I actually had some perspective on my issues. On these medications, I was able to actually get something out of therapy (I ended up paying to see a private psychotherapist) and sort out a few of the major contributors to my low mood.
Naturally, depression is an illness, and rectifying circumstances will massively help it but cannot go the whole hog to sort out the chemical aspects. I found that by giving myself some much needed perspective using meds, then sorting a lot out in therapy, I was able to come to a point where I am now that has me largely happy (and off meds for 2+ years now). I still have my low points, I am still lonely (most 'friends' deserted me at my low point), and every so often my black dog tries to nudge me towards the edge but I am much better equipped to handle it.
4 years on and I have met and married my wonderful husband, gone back to university and done a masters, landed a brilliant job and aside from the loneliness I am doing alright for myself. At the time I took that overdose, I would never have believed any of that was possible.
There is never such a thing in life as "no way out", and there are so many possibilities out there for you. Suicide would provide an end to depression yes, as it is an end to everything, but when you think about it, all it is doing is ending ALL aspects of life - including all of the potential happiness, future paths, opportunities for fulfilment in life. Suicide itself is the only situation from which there "is no way out".
I hope you are able to find something that can give you the perspective and strength that pulled me through the darkest spot.
As always, I'm happy to talk via IM to anyone who is feeling this way - as someone who has gone nearly 'full circle' I hope I could give advice and a little hope that would help others out of what is truly an awful, gruelling condition
Obviously it failed, which at the time just seemed to make everything worse. But now, where I am today and looking back at it, I am so **** glad that it failed. I haven't sorted out all of my demons yet, I still have my "black dog", but it is nowhere near as bad as it was.
When it failed, and I ended up in hospital, I was given an ultimatum by the mental health crisis team that are called here under such cases - to start on a course of anti-depressants and go on the waiting list for psychotherapy, or be sectioned and have all that anyway but against my will. Not having much choice, I went home with the pills and a weekly doctors appointment. I was mightily pissed off at this and I did not want to take those tablets at all. Not to mention the waiting list for mental health help in the UK is abysmal, especially in my area so it was an 18 month wait potentially.
But... they surprised me. The tablets (Citalopram -an SSRI) were a ***** at first to wean onto, but over a few months I found that the chemical imbalance had started to right itself and for the first time in a long time I actually had some perspective on my issues. On these medications, I was able to actually get something out of therapy (I ended up paying to see a private psychotherapist) and sort out a few of the major contributors to my low mood.
Naturally, depression is an illness, and rectifying circumstances will massively help it but cannot go the whole hog to sort out the chemical aspects. I found that by giving myself some much needed perspective using meds, then sorting a lot out in therapy, I was able to come to a point where I am now that has me largely happy (and off meds for 2+ years now). I still have my low points, I am still lonely (most 'friends' deserted me at my low point), and every so often my black dog tries to nudge me towards the edge but I am much better equipped to handle it.
4 years on and I have met and married my wonderful husband, gone back to university and done a masters, landed a brilliant job and aside from the loneliness I am doing alright for myself. At the time I took that overdose, I would never have believed any of that was possible.
There is never such a thing in life as "no way out", and there are so many possibilities out there for you. Suicide would provide an end to depression yes, as it is an end to everything, but when you think about it, all it is doing is ending ALL aspects of life - including all of the potential happiness, future paths, opportunities for fulfilment in life. Suicide itself is the only situation from which there "is no way out".
I hope you are able to find something that can give you the perspective and strength that pulled me through the darkest spot.
As always, I'm happy to talk via IM to anyone who is feeling this way - as someone who has gone nearly 'full circle' I hope I could give advice and a little hope that would help others out of what is truly an awful, gruelling condition
sothatwasmylife
Well-known member
Yep it certainly can suck and suck with a vengeance.... but there are definitely things that can help.....are you getting any help or support at the moment.dn560 said:
S
SophiaGrace
Guest
Dear Friend,
I never quite know what to say to someone that wants to end their life. It's a tough place to be in to put it lightly. From what you have said in your intro post, I think the problems you are facing now are temporary. I know that they probably seem endless and nearly impossible to deal with at this moment, but they could possibly be treated if you went to a doctor and were monitored.
Because of this, I'm urging you not to give up in the way of suicide, but to instead look at other solutions that arent...as LadyX put it...so permanent and offer no means of your situation improving.
-Soph
I never quite know what to say to someone that wants to end their life. It's a tough place to be in to put it lightly. From what you have said in your intro post, I think the problems you are facing now are temporary. I know that they probably seem endless and nearly impossible to deal with at this moment, but they could possibly be treated if you went to a doctor and were monitored.
Because of this, I'm urging you not to give up in the way of suicide, but to instead look at other solutions that arent...as LadyX put it...so permanent and offer no means of your situation improving.
-Soph
cumulus.james
Well-known member
dn560 said:
Feel the smae as you. I don't think we don't do it because we are too scared to die. I think we think about this crazy honeysuckle because we are too scared to live?
Don't be kiling yourself mate, talk to us, or talk to the samaritians if you get desperate.
Why does you life suck?
Why do you wish you were dead?
Mr Seal The Albatros
Well-known member
cumulus.james said:
Actually, while part of it is fear (and who isn't afraid of it?) it's also because part of you still thinks there's a chance to make things better. The good part? You still can. The solution you appear to be looking for is more focussed on ending the pain. It's still possible to live through and conquer the problems you face, and doing so like that opens up so many possibilities to enjoy life. Nobody said it would be easy to conquer whatever you're going through, but believe me, it's always possible and always worth it.
Hang in there, both of you. You can do this. And I'll be cheering for you both over here.
cumulus.james
Well-known member
It worrys me that OP has not replied
Mr Seal The Albatros
Well-known member
cumulus.james said:It worrys me that OP has not replied
Well, remember this forum has people from around the world (If I recall correctly). It's almost 2:00pm where I am. Might just be busy at the moment.
S
SophiaGrace
Guest
cumulus.james said:
His intro post answers some of your questions I think.
cumulus.james
Well-known member
not sure it does?
dn560
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sothatwasmylife said:
nope nobody gives a sh*t, friends walked out, family is fed up and drs given up
SophiaGrace said:
ok so the problems are temporary but the pain is too much to bear there is only so much a person can withstand, ive been patient for a very long time but now im frustrated and angry.
dn560 said:
Then use that. Sometimes anger can be a great tool, it's a strong feeling that you can use to hold on something an d move on.
I know it can suck, I've been there, I am there. But dont give up. As already mentioned, it may seem that ending it is the best choice, but trust me it's not.
We've all been through a lot of honeysuckle, others more, I agree. But nothing must put you down. By ending it all you miss your chance to feel good. You miss your chance to make the pain go away and replaced with great feelings as love and happiness.
It may feels that you'll never find these feelings, it sounds cliche, but you will.
Read LadyX's post. Before you say "she was lucky", I've been in a similar situation. Tried to OD myself, failed and ended up receiving some (bad in my case) help. But I also met a great girl and it led in the best 3 years of my life. I don't know why you're feeling like this, I dont know if its loneliness, depression, rejection or something else, but believe me on that, it'll go away. Im one of the weakest and most negative people, if I managed to pull through this and still find hope in life, then so can you.
Reaching out and posting in these forums, IMO, shows you're asking for help, support. Allow yourself to get it. Try to calm yourself down, and talk to people about what bothers you. Start in these forums if you wish, anonymously, it's easier. Getting it off your chest will help a lot, and you will probably receive some great advises. And then try to reach out to people in your life, any people you ever considered friends, and family. You said "friends walked out, family is fed up", but I believe it's worth a try again when you feel a bit stronger.
Hang in there
VanillaCreme
Well-known member
dn560 said:
That's why you have to give a honeysuckle about yourself. At the end of the day, even if one has the support of everyone around them, it's you that has to deal with yourself. It's you that has to lay in bed at night and think to yourself about things. Everyone else can give up, but you have to care about you. If you don't care about yourself, it doesn't matter whose support you have, things just won't add up. You can't just give up on yourself and expect things to work out.
S
SophiaGrace
Guest
dn560 said:
Darn well you should be frustrated and angry. This is your health we are talking about. It's precious to you and significantly affects your quality of life.
So, fight for it.
SofiasMami
Well-known member
Hi DN,
I'm sorry you're feeling so down. A lot of us here have been or are in your shoes. So keep talking to us. We're here and we're listening.
-Teresa
I'm sorry you're feeling so down. A lot of us here have been or are in your shoes. So keep talking to us. We're here and we're listening.
-Teresa
dn560
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VanillaCreme said:
in a way i do give a honeysuckle about myself but how am I supposed to keep this up if I see nothing happening? ive been patiently waiting for results for all work ive been putting in, all the money I spent and im still in the same ******* spot I was 4years ago. I have made ZERO progress, how do u expect me to feel?
ladyforsaken
Well-known member
*hugs* dn560.
I may not have great words of advice, but I hope you know you're not alone. We're here to hear you out and I hope this difficult phase will pass for you soon.
I may not have great words of advice, but I hope you know you're not alone. We're here to hear you out and I hope this difficult phase will pass for you soon.
cumulus.james
Well-known member
dn560 said:
How do you feel.
Exatly how do you feel? Write it all down and why. At least get it of your chest.
dn560
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cumulus.james said:
I feel like angry like really really really pissed off. I feel like I have been deprived of life. its like serving time or punishment for a crime that u have no recollection of. I feel like my entire world has burnt to ashes and that world has pretty much ended, I feel hopeless, depressed, stressed to the point that I just feel like beating up someone. im only 20 been having problems since I was 17 I never got to enjoy turning 18 I pretty much cried that entire day. I feel stabbed in the back by every single friend I had, they only liked me for my cool rockstar-ish looks back then. i feel like when i walk past a group of people and i hear laughing i think theyre laughing at me, i know for sure i herd people in class talking about how stupid and thin my hair looks. i cant smile at all my lips are pretty much a frown now and i have wrinkles on my forhead from being angry all the time. i feel as though no one understands the honeysuckle im going through and no one give a fresia that im sick and need all the support i can get. i feel like there is no hope in this world anymore i been to so many doctors and none are able to help me im so sick of feeling sick im sick of looking like a ******* old man, it hurts me to see everyone my age enjoying life studying moving up the ladder of success and im stuck in the same position i was 4years ago i tried but apparently i just don't have what it takes to move up to another level of education no matter how hard i study im just ******* wasting my time. the pain is just unbearable this society has messed me so bad somedays i just stay in cuz i don't wanna face anyone and if anyone ever got in my face i'd probably hurt someone. im just lost right now, i have done everything a man could possibly do to get well, pills, prayed my ass off in church, if i could i would have gone to the centre of the earth if it meant finding a good doctor, even my ******* therapist doesn't give a honeysuckle all she does is give me those ******* stupid "things gonna get better" line. somedays i feel so depressed i cry like a fag and sometimes i think about killing myself but im too scared to do it im nt even intact with reality anymore most of the time i daydream about what life would be if thing weren't this bad. ive had my heartbroken and my life taken away from me i feel destroyed and i feel like this is the end of the road for me.....this might be a long ass essay to others but to me this is a heartfelt description im crying just writing this stuff and another thing thanks for listening i truly appreciate it.
cumulus.james
Well-known member
You seem to be punishing yourself, you don't just sound angry with the world, you sound angry with yourself. You have many false beliefs and very low self worth from what I can tell. I told myself similar things for a long time and the thing is when you believe such things so deeply you can in fact make things worse and miss out good stuff.
The past is the past and you can't change that. You can only change the future, which is yours to shape. It's not true you can't study, and if you hate your job then you have something positive to think about: “How can I get a job I like?, what would I like to do? Etc.
If you are struggling to do it on your own then would it be an option to commit yourself for treatment? Would you even want to?
Are there events you found traumatic in your past? Could they be unresolved?
There's a self help website, not sure if it would interest you, it is learning cognitive behavioural skills for coping with depression. https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
I also wonder if you might find Mindfulness helpful? Have you tried a mindfulness based therapist?
The past is the past and you can't change that. You can only change the future, which is yours to shape. It's not true you can't study, and if you hate your job then you have something positive to think about: “How can I get a job I like?, what would I like to do? Etc.
If you are struggling to do it on your own then would it be an option to commit yourself for treatment? Would you even want to?
Are there events you found traumatic in your past? Could they be unresolved?
There's a self help website, not sure if it would interest you, it is learning cognitive behavioural skills for coping with depression. https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
I also wonder if you might find Mindfulness helpful? Have you tried a mindfulness based therapist?
