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Adran

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Nov 23, 2014
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Warning: this post is going to consist largely of me complaining. If you don't want to read that, then go somewhere else.

I just joined ALL, so I don't really know the general mental health demographics here, but I would assume that there are a fair number of severely depressed people. I'm not sure why I'm posting this, but here I go. For those of you who didn't read my introductory post, I am severely depressed to the point where I feel like I have nothing left to live for. Neither any of my four therapists nor any of the five combinations of medication I've tried have really worked for me. Activities and hobbies that I used to find interesting now cannot hold my attention for more than a few minutes, and my life has essentially been smashed to pieces.

I used to be proud of who I was. I was, I thought, one of the most intelligent and empathetic people I knew. Now the only self-assessment that I can make is that I'm a worthless loser. I spend hours every day trying to tackle my feelings from every angle inside my head, like some sort of deranged mental game of football. But no matter which way I throw the ball, there's always an enemy player waiting there to intercept it. I hate football, by the way. I've told myself several times before that "I'm going to turn my life around, starting now." That philosophy has never lived more than twenty-four hours.

Then I looked to other people for help. I have a number of friends and a loving family, but I've never felt so lonely in my life. None of them truly know what it's like. And I can't blame them. When I first learned about depression, I thought I understood it. I know now that, like eating liquid chocolate chip cookies, it's not something you can understand unless you experience it. I know of nothing so humiliating, so despair-inducing, so soul-crushing as depression. I never appreciated how lucky I was to be happy, and now it's too late. In the last twelve months of depression, I have seen nothing comparable except one game. The game, called DepressionQuest, is free on Steam and is also the game that sparked that horrible tangle of misogyny and testosterone known as #GamerGate. It's the only thing I've ever found that's analogous to actually experiencing depression, and I'd definitely recommend it to anyone whose friends or relatives suffer from the illness.

Why am I typing all this? I don't know. Maybe it's because I need to write it all down to understand it myself. Maybe it's because I want to see if there's anyone else out there who feels like this. Maybe it's because I just want to leave something behind in case I ever do decide to kill myself. It's definitely easier to do it here on the internet, under cover of anonymity. I may continue to edit this if I think of anything else I need to add. Anyway, back to sitting around staring at the wall.
 
Hello Adran,

Welcome and yes, there are others who feel the same and telling them to just chin up or get over it is less than useless. Not saying make every attempt to wallow in it but it is not something you just "get over" usually without help. I'm really sorry to hear none of the medications are working for you...everyone is a bit different in their response to the various meds so its often trial and error....biochemical treatments are still not a well understood mechanism so much is as of yet unknown. Often meds alone are not an answer either, you'll have to find out through trial and error what works for you (bleah, wish I did have a magic wand and/or easier answer for that).

I'm older than you or most of the others here (51) and have fought this fight on and off my entire life...and I don't say that to scare you into thinking this will be the state of your life....most of the time I win and this is not even a problem for me but it does rear its ugly head now and then. Again every person is different and for many the nasty trip into depression is a one-time bad experience never to return. If it isn't well....getting a handle on what works for you can and does make it easier to defeat over time (and yes...I know time feels ENDLESS when you are in the midst of it). No, it is most definitely NOT too late for you to reclaim happiness as impossible at that probably feels right now.
 
Adran my friend. I read in another post of yours that you are 16. So you are still growing physically and emotionally. I don't know what experiences or traumas you had to deal with and I wouldn't dare to presume anything but I'd suggest you do your best to think positive and stabilize the situation for now. Once you reach 18/19 and going into early adulthood, people's vision of life can often change quite dramatically, and often for the better. Maybe you go to university, make new friends in new settings, and next thing you know, you leave behind all the BS from the past and start a new brighter life.

Right now it's really important you don't let the traumas of your childhood scar you to the extent that 10/20 years from now it's still affecting your life. Maybe if I could turn back time I'd have paid extra attention to the advice I had just given you here and maybe my life wouldn't have turned out the way it did but hey, if I can't change my own life for the better, why not change someone elses?
 
I know you have probably left ALL but in case you come back or read this thread through your browser, I thought I'd respond to it for you.

Depression sucks, there's no way around it. And it can make you feel like a hollow empty shell of who you used to be. It can make days seem colorless, the future seem hopeless, and your path in life a cliff which you're going to fall off of at any second.

The negative emotions wrap themselves around you, making you unable to see other aspects of your life.

No one ever deserves to suffer from this wretched disease that makes one stop living before life actually ends.

Keep trying, don't give up. The intelligent and empathetic Adran deserves a chance to come back.
 

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