Can you make male friends when you're married?

My husband and I just moved to a new city for his job. We have two couple friends in the area whom we rarely see and my husband is out of town a lot. I often go days without having a real conversation with someone in person. I know that I really need to make friends but I'm having trouble.

There is another new guy I work with that seems pretty nice and another man at the gym who has tried to talk to me. The problem is that I'm married and don't want to lead them on or seem like I'm flirting, so whenever they try to talk to me I awkwardly bumble around and quickly find a reason to leave. Is it possible to have male friends when you're happily married?

I know I definitely need female friends as well, but those have been the only two real chances I've had so far.

I'm isolated to the point now where I'm starting to question my judgements.

It's possible to have a single friend of the opposite sex when you are married, but it's improbable. If the man knows you are only a friend to him, theoretically, it can work. However, realistically speaking, married people tend to prefer socializing with other married people, and single people are left to fend for ourselves due to jealousies and such.

As a single male, my best female friends are all single, so the only time a problem occurs is when one of us starts dating. Then, we have to explain our friendships with a single member of the opposite sex to our new dating partner, and that can be sticky if the partner has low self esteem or flies into a jealous rage. Also, I do know married women, but I only know them through other people they trust, and I never socialize with the women without their husband's presence. It would just feel strange to me.

By the way, welcome to the forum.

Of course you can! I've been married for 13 years, I have way more male friends than female friends. Although I tend to get along better with men anyway, so that's probably why. The only potential problem (well, two I guess) that I could see might be the way in which your friendship is construed, both by your husband and the friend. As long as hubby realizes that your friends are just that - friends - and there are no jealousy/trust issues on his part, I don't see the problem. After all, I would assume your husband has female friends? And also, of course, that your male friends understand that you are happily married and have no intention of changing that status, and that your spending time with them is not impeding on your relationship with hubby.

In the more recent generations, platonic friendships between the sexes is more common. The married couples I know of didn't have to cut off their opposite-sex friendships, so I see no reason you can't make them after the wedding. Your socialization isn't sexually-oriented before marriage, and it just seems paranoid to assume that all opposite-sex individuals are a threat when you are married, as if two gamers, writers, or dog enthusiasts can't socialize and bond over their interest and eventually share ideas and company because of their sexes. They do it all the time already on platonic terms, and with plenty of love left in their hearts for a committed relationship.

People can be respectful, but you need to be aware of the people who won't. Any men who seem way above average friendly or interested in your personal life, in particular, or who have nothing in common with you or no tendency towards deep conversations who are still very eager to see you. Anyone who doesn't have the normal kindred spirits or activity buddy type of relationship with you but wants to be close or spend a lot of time together. That's man-talk for "I'm hoping to date or fool around with this girl."

Married people cheat all the time, with or without the knowledge of their secret lovers. Some men won't care and will think they can change your mind. Make sure your stance is clear, and your friend honest.

Tealeaf said:

In the more recent generations, platonic friendships between the sexes is more common. The married couples I know of didn't have to cut off their opposite-sex friendships, so I see no reason you can't make them after the wedding. Your socialization isn't sexually-oriented before marriage, and it just seems paranoid to assume that all opposite-sex individuals are a threat when you are married, as if two gamers, writers, or dog enthusiasts can't socialize and bond over their interest and eventually share ideas and company because of their sexes. They do it all the time already on platonic terms, and with plenty of love left in their hearts for a committed relationship.

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Socializing is normal, even without obvious things in common.

Tealeaf said:

People can be respectful, but you need to be aware of the people who won't. Any men who seem way above average friendly or interested in your personal life, in particular, or who have nothing in common with you or no tendency towards deep conversations who are still very eager to see you. Anyone who doesn't have the normal kindred spirits or activity buddy type of relationship with you but wants to be close or spend a lot of time together. That's man-talk for "I'm hoping to date or fool around with this girl."

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So you're married and have plenty of first hand experience of men hitting on you.:rolleyes2:

ardour said:

Socializing is normal, even without obvious things in common.

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Yes, it is. Good job.

What's not normal is a pair of people with nothing in common and no real chemistry as individuals where one of them wants very much to get personally involved or spend large amounts of time together. Like a close friend, only there's nothing there as a foundation that would make anyone desire closeness as a friend. Normally, what happens is that people stay at casual levels or lose interest in that situation, so if someone isn't behaving that way that means they have another reason besides a connection or common ground to want to get to know you on such a level.

Someone who's abnormally friendly, gender and status aside, always wants something. Period. It may not be sex, but if not then it will be money, assistance, or even just sympathy. I've had strangers act super-sweet to me out of the blue, trying repeatedly to get me to talk in-depth about personal problems after I mentioned being tired in passing, only to find out that they themselves were very much in need of someone to vent to as the emotional breakdown began when I repeatedly turned their offers down. Before you bring up the argument that I'm painting them as the Bad Guy for being nice, just know that either way it was an indication that they had preselected what they wanted and were trying to steer things in that direction - bad guy or no. Excessive niceness means that person is trying to get close to you for a purpose that requires you to like and trust them, and that they're either not patient enough or not genuine enough to appeal to your sense of friendship and kindness in the normal way.

When it's a man and a woman, it's a good idea to consider that he may be interested romantically or sexually.

ardour said:

So you're married and have plenty of first hand experience of men hitting on you.:rolleyes2:

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No, just a woman with experience both befriending and dating men - and telling which ones want which. All men who have ever spoken to or approached me in this way have had ulterior motives and I've had a range of platonic male friends in the past, so I'll let women decide whether or not to use these means of gauging someone's intentions.

Butthurt aside, do you have anything to contribute?

Okay lets not start, no slinging insults around or name calling.

Sure, I guess. Just be up front about it, or perhaps mention your husband in some way. If they know that you're perfectly fine being in the relationship you're in, they have no sad story to tell if they ever expect anything more.

Tealeaf said:

What's not normal is a pair of people with nothing in common and no real chemistry as individuals where one of them wants very much to get personally involved or spend large amounts of time together. Like a close friend, only there's nothing there as a foundation that would make anyone desire closeness as a friend. Normally, what happens is that people stay at casual levels or lose interest in that situation, so if someone isn't behaving that way that means they have another reason besides a connection or common ground to want to get to know you on such a level.

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I would think chemistry and personality compatibility a prerequisite for a relationship. Obviously that's not going to be there if one person is happily married. Sounds like you're saying a lot of guys just want casual sex and don't care where they get it... ho hum.

Tealeaf said:

Someone who's abnormally friendly, gender and status aside, always wants something. Period. It may not be sex, but if not then it will be money, assistance, or even just sympathy.

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Define "abnormally friendly" though. That's going to vary by who's judging, and some people are just paranoid about such things.

Tealeaf said:

Before you bring up the argument that I'm painting them as the Bad Guy for being nice, just know that either way it was an indication that they had preselected what they wanted and were trying to steer things in that direction - bad guy or no.

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People seek emotional support from others all the time. Read: it's only bad when men try to steer things, the darkly dangerous beings we are.

Tealeaf said:

Excessive niceness means that person is trying to get close to you for a purpose that requires you to like and trust them, and that they're either not patient enough or not genuine enough to appeal to your sense of friendship and kindness in the normal way.

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Or they're awkward, lonely, insecure and trying too hard. Nice of you to categorize such guys as creeps along with the others.

Tealeaf said:

No, just a woman with experience both befriending and dating men - and telling which ones want which. All men who have ever spoken to or approached me in this way have had ulterior motives...

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No, then. And since when are ulterior motives so uncommon if someone is single? Sounds like nice guy shaming, all the while women act the exact same manner as the stereotypical nice guy- like they're interested in friendship as an excuse to be in close proximity to someone. This is typically how women act rather than being direct, but men are evil for the same behaviour so a higher degree of scrutiny is required in regards to friendships with men.

I'm tired of getting this attitude, and from those I've had *no* interest in, so yes, "butthurt".

Ardour, why are you breaking down Tealeaf's posts just to argue about it? Let's not turn this into a battle of the sexes thread, yeah? The original post has nothing to do with a gender battle.

VanillaCreme said:

Ardour, why are you breaking down Tealeaf's posts just to argue about it? Let's not turn this into a battle of the sexes thread, yeah? The original post has nothing to do with a gender battle.

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Pretty much, when we're steering away from the presumption that the person these warnings go to is married and falsely assuming that all people seeking to vent to me know at least my first name. Consider me out.

Case said:

However, realistically speaking, married people tend to prefer socializing with other married people, and single people are left to fend for ourselves due to jealousies and such.

As a single male, my best female friends are all single, so the only time a problem occurs is when one of us starts dating. Then, we have to explain our friendships with a single member of the opposite sex to our new dating partner, and that can be sticky if the partner has low self esteem or flies into a jealous rage.

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Tealeaf said:

No, just a woman with experience both befriending and dating men - and telling which ones want which. All men who have ever spoken to or approached me in this way have had ulterior motives and I've had a range of platonic male friends in the past, so I'll let women decide whether or not to use these means of gauging someone's intentions.

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^ That's been my experience as well.

ardour said:

I would think chemistry and personality compatibility a prerequisite for a relationship. Obviously that's not going to be there if one person is happily married.

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Chemistry and personality compatibility are relevant in friendships too, not just romantic relationships.

Having been on the other side of these judgements (and without going overboard friendly either) it's hard not to feel it personally when someone starts opining about 'types' of men to look out for, ulterior motives and so on.

ardour said:

Having been on the other side of these judgements (and without going overboard friendly either) it's hard not to feel it personally when someone starts opining about 'types' of men to look out for, ulterior motives and so on.

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The "opining" has been acceptable to me so far.

Case said:

ardour said:

Having been on the other side of these judgements (and without going overboard friendly either) it's hard not to feel it personally when someone starts opining about 'types' of men to look out for, ulterior motives and so on.

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The "opining" has been acceptable to me so far.

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That's because you haven't had much experience of being on the wrong end of it. No doubt speaking from the position of being attractive, and therefore more or less acceptable to women. The paranoia about 'too friendly' men is ridiculous. Conversely, not being friendly makes you an "angry male". You really can't win with some people.

The vast majority of men, upon hearing that the OP is married, will not bother her.

ardour said:

Case said:

The "opining" has been acceptable to me so far.

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That's because you haven't had much experience of being on the wrong end of it. No doubt speaking from the position of being attractive, and therefore more or less acceptable to women. The paranoia about 'too friendly' men is ridiculous. Conversely, not being friendly makes you an "angry male". You really can't win with some people.

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I'm glad to know that you are an authority on my negative experiences with women. Tell us more about this alternate-universe version of me you are constructing to validate your argument.

Either that, or embrace the truth that I have experienced more than you can possibly guess about me, and you should stop making sweeping judgments about people you don't know.

theenduringchill said:

The problem is that I'm married and don't want to lead them on or seem like I'm flirting...

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This is why I didn't spend a lot of time alone with men when I was in committed relationships. I suppose the only opinions that really matter here, though, are yours and that of your husband. What does your husband think about you having male friends? Are the guys that are talking to you in relationships or single?

I did have a number of male friends at a previous job. For some reason, the group I spent my breaks and lunches with was almost entirely male, although the vast majority of the employees there were female. We played dominoes, went out to lunch frequently and watched basketball games. Some were in relationships and some weren't. But we all respected boundaries.
However, that was a moment in time and I haven't had that experience since. (I still look back on those days fondly.)

It takes time to make friends - have patience and give it some time. Who knows what the motives of these guys are but I only know that I was cautious about my time around men while I was in committed relationships.

-Teresa

ardour said:

The vast majority of men, upon hearing that the OP is married, will not bother her.

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Isn't that her point? She is married. So attention that's more than a friendly behavior isn't really wanted. There are a few who would try, and I suppose that's what she's wary about.

Being upfront about it though is best in my opinion. Someone who doesn't want the attention doesn't want the attention. Period. It doesn't matter what the reason is, or if they even have a reason.

VanillaCreme said:

Someone who doesn't want the attention doesn't want the attention. Period. It doesn't matter what the reason is, or if they even have a reason.

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If someone's married or in a de facto relationship then it's obvious they don't want attention, so all she has to do is mention the fact. If someone doesn't want attention for other reasons, then that would require getting to know them a bit first to be aware of that (or being rejected by them.)