Silent Breakdown

I'm not sure where I'm about to go with this all right now. This all might be able to fit on the relationships forum, but posting here feels more right. I suppose just like my life I'm just going to wing it without any sort of forethought and see where it takes me.

Right now I am having a crisis, or more like, a quiet nervous breakdown. I cannot really make sense of anything, especially my thoughts, feelings and my intentions. I'm really hoping this is in some way therapeutic.

As I mentioned to who is now my ex fiancée (though not necessarily my ex in general, yet at least), I am a man of zero passions. Nothing really excites me or leaves me feeling truly satisfied. Everything just moves from one thing to the next.

As a bit of an aside, I tend to exercise a lot. That's a passion you might say, but it's not really anymore. Just a little habit that leaves me feeling like crap if I don't do it. My efforts are always halfhearted anyway. On most lifts I never do the complete range of motion and during runs I'll maybe take a break or two that I don't count against my time. Of course I never pay any attention to nutrition and I'll just eat whatever fast food I please. I'm seldom satisfied after a good workout now and more "well that's done, on to the next meaningless daily task." This is all I suppose a solitary escape for me where I don't have to consider anyone else, much less be honest with myself.

On the matter regarding my present situation, my lack of passion apparently extends to the love I have always wanted.

We were suppose to get married this coming April and I just didn't care. This is strange because I do want to marry her. I just don't care about anything in regards to making the wedding actually happen. I do not care about what our colors are or what and how we'll have food served. I did not care about the venue or who exactly would be there. As she even pointed out, due to my introversion (or being anti social or whatever) she did not expect there to be anyone to stand on my side for the ceremony. I am sure she was disappointed by this and not sure what she would tell people. She's mostly right, though I think I can get an old college friend that I don't talk to much to be my best man. I never keep up with my old friends because it is a hassle and I'm lazy, even though I'm always pleased whenever I do manage to motivate myself to contact one of them.

Anyway, whatever choices she would make in regards to the wedding I would be happy with, though she would understandably get frustrated that I provided little feedback. The part that would make her the most upset, and justifiably so, was how she would have to get onto me to do certain tasks in regards to the wedding prep. This has lead to my present situation and made me truly think about this problem of mine: why don't I care?

She's a wonderful, intelligent, and beautiful. She is more than I deserve and in so far as I apparently can I do in fact love her. She's been in my heart since I was twelve, though my heart apparently counts for nothing.

When I proposed to her I had plans to take her somewhere romantic, but when those fell through I proposed anyway at our apartment because I couldn't wait, depriving her of a nice story to tell people. She said yes, but later told me how very disappointed she was with it all. Now because of my actions or lack thereof, she has told me "she loves me but does not want to marry me." She says that if I really want to get married I am going to have to do everything that is left in regards to the wedding on my own. The thing is, I'm not sure if I care.

The question I have is, why don't I care? I think I want to see a psychiatrist. I need enthusiasm. Perhaps there is a pill that will make me give a fresia about something.


I'm not making any plans, but I actually thought to myself earlier that I might as well kill myself. I'm sure all my problems may be fixable, but is it even worth it.

Think it may be really worthwhile seeing a psychologist...to explore what may be dampening your emotions..(.a psychiatrist would probably be more geared to medication..).Certainly the route you should explore...it has the potential to make things much better for you

I would definitely speak to someone, Anti. *hug*
Also, even if this is your true personality, you can still do what you need to do, even if it doesn't mean to you, what it does to her.

She already knows how I feel about it all and does not want to do the wedding at all anymore and earlier was telling me she's not even sure she wants to be with me anymore because to her I've led her on, which isn't inaccurate I suppose. I care about her being happy but when I tell her that it just upsets her more because me feeling that way does not really accomplish anything. My indifference is ruining me. Seeing someone is not going to save me. Once again, no plans, but I'm meaningless and my words mean nothing.

Antihero said:

She already knows how I feel about it all and does not want to do the wedding at all anymore and earlier was telling me she's not even sure she wants to be with me anymore because to her I've led her on, which isn't inaccurate I suppose. I care about her being happy but when I tell her that it just upsets her more because me feeling that way does not really accomplish anything. My indifference is ruining me. Seeing someone is not going to save me. Once again, no plans, but I'm meaningless and my words mean nothing.

Click to expand...

I've spoken to you a number of times over the years, Anti, and i feel you're being too hard on yourself. I see no easy solution to the problem about your gf's feelings, but I DO know that you're a decent guy. You are NOT meaningless.

Thanks Eve, I do appreciate the kind words. A lot of this is venting I guess.

Being a decent guy is no longer enough. I apparently don't even care about the girl of my dreams. Nothing is important to me and nothing matters and nothing is worth it. My life as I've known it is falling apart. My God she hates me and so do I. No attention to detail. She told just a while ago that I. Do. Not. Care. I do not give a fresia.

Usually if you don't care then it's because you're depressed.

I get the impression you don't see the point in anything?

Depression has a funny way of messing with our thinking and our behaviors.

One friend of mine told me that she didn't care about her family. She said she felt dead inside. Then, she saw a doctor, they tried a few med combinations, and she got better. If I reminded her now of that moment where she didn't care, she'd probably be thankful that she saw that doctor because she cares almost too much now. But that's the friend I used to know, not the depressed one. And I'm glad she's feeling better.

Therapy is an option, at least. I just hate seeing people suffer. Whether or not your gf is on the same page with you is a matter I'm not sure I can answer.

Thanks for the responses all. I'm feeling slightly better now, but still tired and down. When it comes to her everything I say is the wrong thing or grossly misinterpreted. I can't make her happy and I am certainly miserable. If this all collapses, like it is looking to, I should probably see a therapist regardless I guess.

Antihero, I think seeing a therapist might help you. I wish you all the best.