Being a Unconfident Male Sucks in the Dating World

Because I'm a man with little confidence, and don't know why, have no approachability with women, and it's not shyness, although it might be, but personally don't think it is. It's lack of confidence and/or success that puts doubt in your head so it's a fear of saying the wrong thing or it going badly or not in my favour. Because I'm a man though, I never get approached or talked to by women so that gets me down. Hate the fact that it's up to the man to do it all the time, even if it necassarily isn't the way he's made. Everybody's different, but society remains the same. Hate people saying, oh you HAVE to do it, grow some balls so to speak. That doesn't make the way I feel go away. It would be nice if just once (EVER!) that a woman would come and say, "Hi!" to me, show some sort of interest in the fact I exist, but sadly, no, never happens does it. So one sided isn't it.

So the moral of the story - I'm quite literally - STUFFED!

Hey there! First of all, you dont HAVE to be the one to do it! My 2 serious relationship have been with the women making the first move. Check this thread: http://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=33163
It proves that women can be the ones making the first move too
Try to not let the stereotype of "men must do it" affect you so much, while it's true in many cases, by allowing it to stress you out, you may block/miss any incoming interest from women!


Now, the confidence bit is hard. Only you can change it, by believing in yourself.
I know that it can bring you down, and sometimes hold you back, keeping you from making a move in fear of rejection as you dont believe you can suceed. The only thing I can say, is that it's up to you. Try to find stuff you like about you, and focus on them, instead of being afraid you may fail, use the things you believe you ecxel at to boost your confindence
Rejection hurts. But instead of letting it get you down, dont think about it. Dont get it in your mind if you find a girl you like, or before you do anything in your life. ! And IF you end up getting rejected, dont let it get you sad, but try and find what went wrong so you know better next time

Just be yourself, and go have fun!

SimonT said:

Because I'm a man with little confidence, and don't know why, have no approachability with women, and it's not shyness, although it might be, but personally don't think it is. It's lack of confidence and/or success that puts doubt in your head so it's a fear of saying the wrong thing or it going badly or not in my favour. Because I'm a man though, I never get approached or talked to by women so that gets me down. Hate the fact that it's up to the man to do it all the time, even if it necassarily isn't the way he's made. Everybody's different, but society remains the same. Hate people saying, oh you HAVE to do it, grow some balls so to speak. That doesn't make the way I feel go away. It would be nice if just once (EVER!) that a woman would come and say, "Hi!" to me, show some sort of interest in the fact I exist, but sadly, no, never happens does it. So one sided isn't it.

So the moral of the story - I'm quite literally - STUFFED!

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You need to develop a thick skin and realize that a rejection from a woman isn't that bad. Nothing terrible will happen. If it hurts it doesn't last. The more times you ask, the less it will hurt and the more chance a woman will say 'yes' to you.

With things like facebook and text messages, you have alternative ways of asking if you find face to face too daunting.

SimonT said:

So the moral of the story - I'm quite literally - STUFFED!

Click to expand...

I disagree with that last statement. You are not a hopeless case. You simply need practice. Lots of practice.

A lack of confidence is nothing more than a fear of the unknown. But if you make the unknown "known," and you realize that this formerly unknown thing was nothing to be scared of in the first place, that's when you become confident.

Do you think the novice golfer is confident that she'll ever be able to hit that little white ball with the club head for the very first time? No. She's probably timid and a bit scared. But she tries and tries, and maybe she fails a lot. Then, maybe she gets coached, and before she knows it, she can hit the ball every single time... with confidence.

Think of confidence as a Achievement unlocked in a video game. You have to advance through a few difficult levels to meet the boss villain at the end of a level. It may take a lot of restarts, but once you defeat the boss, you earn the Achievement. Now, the next time you play that level, how confident do you think you'd be? I'm guessing a lot.

Dating is no different, at least regarding confidence. Imagine if the golfer was so petrified after completely missing the first swing at the ball that she surrendered to her fears. Imagine the gamer failing to defeat the boss at the end of a level, but feeling too embarrassed to try again. Avoidance and fear are your enemies in your goal toward building confidence. Your friends toward your goal are relaxation and perseverance.

There's no way around it. You need to try. You can't wait for the world come to you if you truly want something. But the more you try, and the more you fail and develop the skills to realize that every failure is not the end of the world, then you will be building that framework you need to become truly confident.

Yes work on your confidence, but you don't need to approach or date dozens or more women to do that, and certainly not because others tell you that's your role. Yes you might find someone, but after the upteenth rejection would you really be able to appreciate that or just end up taking all that bitterness out on her.

I don't agree with saying to someone it's up to them to drown in rejection. At some point it becomes unhealthy.

Maybe try online dating, then if you're rejected it might not be as bad as face to face rejection.

Rejection via online dating can be just as painful. It depends on how deep and how far the relationship has gone.

No one likes to be rejected, man or woman, but if you completely stop trying you will avoid getting hurt at the cost of not finding a woman. It's like lottery. No matter how slim the chances of winning are, you have to be in it to win it.

I don't particularly care about the opposite sex any more, but it is tough when you struggle to talk to anyone without stuttering or having a panic attack, hence I started on meds today.