The Hedgehog's Dilemma

Tealeaf · Dec 7, 2014

Or, the more time I spend with people the more time I need to spend away from them recovering.

Wikipedia said:
The hedgehog's dilemma, or sometimes the porcupine dilemma, is an analogy about the challenges of human intimacy. It describes a situation in which a group of hedgehogs all seek to become close to one another in order to share heat during cold weather. They must remain apart, however, as they cannot avoid hurting one another with their sharp spines. Though they all share the intention of a close reciprocal relationship, this may not occur, for reasons they cannot avoid.

> Feel lonely

> Depression worsens as I sit in my home without using my voice all weekend

> Reach out to people

> Get snide responses, nitpicking, abuse, misunderstanding, coldness, and fights picked

> Withdraw

> Feel even worse

Tiina63 · Dec 8, 2014

Tealeaf, I know the feeling and sympathise with you. It can be so difficult to find anyone who we can really connect to. People can be so disappointing at times in the way they react to us and treat us. So much communication takes place on a superficial level only because of this. All I can suggest is to take things slowly with people, don't open up straightaway. Try to get a feel for the person, to see if s/he is someone worthy of your trust.

Solivagant · Dec 9, 2014

I didn't know there'd been a name put to this. I run into this all the time; in fact pretty much every time I reach out or try to socialize. I haven't come up with a solution yet. Right now I'm still recuperating from the last round, so I've just decided not to open up or try to make friends for awhile. The loneliness is painful, but getting hurt every time I reach out does more damage, and I don't have the constitution to handle any more of it right now.

Locke · Dec 9, 2014

Solivagant said:
I didn't know there'd been a name put to this. I run into this all the time; in fact pretty much every time I reach out or try to socialize. I haven't come up with a solution yet. Right now I'm still recuperating from the last round, so I've just decided not to open up or try to make friends for awhile. The loneliness is painful, but getting hurt every time I reach out does more damage, and I don't have the constitution to handle any more of it right now.

It's like that for me too. It doesn't help that I'm shy, introverted and socially anxious. I wish I had an answer...

ardour · Dec 10, 2014

Curious as to who would treat you this way - acquaintances, past friends, strangers?

I find that people make it clear they don't want me around in more indirect ways, but it still hurts.

Tealeaf · Dec 10, 2014

ardour said:
Curious as to who would treat you this way - acquaintances, past friends, strangers?

I find that people make it clear they don't want me around in more indirect ways, but it still hurts.

The majority of people I open up to or trust with anything, it seems.

"Indirect ways" indeed. Over the past few months I've been talking to someone online who lives about a 30-minute drive from me, but after our lunch communication immediately dropped from daily/twice-daily to nothing even when I initiate. I was told they were hurrying home because they wanted to hit the road before dark (reasonable enough, even though it's been a very mild winter), but doubt's been creeping in. We're both the type to get up, go about our daily business, and come home to sit at the computer, so I can't imagine they're simply caught up in life. Whatever.

So, after tomorrow I'll have no one to speak to for 2-3 weeks until the holidays are over other than the probable family gathering on Christmas day. I'll probably go out to a few coffee shops and cafes so that I can talk to staff, but I'm essentially buying a few scraps of company to keep myself sane and money's tight this time of year.

I've had trouble enjoying even my scant online company. What would they think if they heard or saw me for real?

Nicholas · Dec 10, 2014

First of all.... Abuse and picking fight °_° what the hell?!
But i can connect to that feeling, its makes me more confused and depressed than before, i have this "friend" that calls me and invites me to hang out, but every single time i get the feeling that he dont really wants to hang out with me but have to (when his real friends are busy)... And every time i tell myself that i have to stop being his "hang out *****". But every time he calls i go out with him. Really annoying, but hes the only one that calls to me =|

jjam · Dec 11, 2014

Nicholas said:
First of all.... Abuse and picking fight °_° what the hell?!
But i can connect to that feeling, its makes me more confused and depressed than before, i have this "friend" that calls me and invites me to hang out, but every single time i get the feeling that he dont really wants to hang out with me but have to (when his real friends are busy)... And every time i tell myself that i have to stop being his "hang out *****". But every time he calls i go out with him. Really annoying, but hes the only one that calls to me =|

At least you have a friend who calls you and invites you to hang out. I would say be grateful for that, and try not to think so negatively. Maybe your friend wants to hang out with you and the other friends, but he has to find balance for himself. Try focusing on having a good time when you do hang out with him.

Nicholas · Dec 12, 2014

jjam said:
Nicholas said:

At least you have a friend who calls you and invites you to hang out. I would say be grateful for that, and try not to think so negatively. Maybe your friend wants to hang out with you and the other friends, but he has to find balance for himself. Try focusing on having a good time when you do hang out with him.

Click to expand...

When he suggests to hang out its not becouse he missed me or anything, but to ***** about his life, talk how sucssesful his real friends (in comperesant to me) and get drunk. Makes feel like im not worth his **** time... on top of that he is too loud and aggressive for me. so yea, i think having no friends is better then having ******* ones.
But this is exactly the dilemma, you want to hang out and communicate with people but on the other hand you feel worse after you do... =|

The Hedgehog's Dilemma

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