I now have literally no friends, and I don't know how to cope

I had no choice this evening but to end a years long friendship with my only, and best, human friend. This was someone who I loved- and still love- dearly, and the only friend I ever had who I could truly call a friend... someone I connected deeply with, who I could discuss the important things, who I trusted to share things about myself I never shared with anyone before. Who I cared deeply about, who I loved spending time with any way we could, who I looked forward to speaking with every day and almost always this friend brightened it greatly. This was a friend whose influence helped me grow as a person. I wouldn't be the person I am or come so far as I have without this friend having been in my life.

But it is over now, for reasons I do not wish to explain.. and the loneliness I feel now cuts so deep.. I don't know how I will be able to bear it. The only thing that is keeping me relatively calm right now is the max dose I can take of (legally prescribed) sedatives. The only thing that is keeping me from acting on dangerous thoughts are the animals in my care, especially my puppy, who depend on me to be there for them. I can only hope I will stay rational and safe for this reason, but I don't know how well I can trust myself on that.

I don't know how I can cope or where I go from here. This loneliness is more brutal than the loneliness I felt before I ever had a friend like that.

I imagine the logical solution to people is find new friends, but god have I tried and failed on this so much, even during the time the friend I lost was in my life.. I can name many people who for a short time were superficially part of my life, we called each other friends, but there was not much substance there and they all came to hate me when they learned who I really am inside. Even when it was superficial friendships it hurt so much to be just dumped like that, either they realized they didn't like me after all or found they liked some one else better, and that was that. I don't know if I can handle going through more of that. I don't know if it's worth it.

I don't know how to cope with this. I don't know how I will be able to bear always living in my own head again, with no outlet to express and discuss the thoughts that live deep in my head, and be accepted for them and my point of view actually understood. I have my dogs for company and I love them dearly, they mean the world to me, but due to that they can't talk, they can't fill that void the loss of my human friend has created.

Sorry for the novel and thank you to anyone who bothered to read it all. I don't hope for or expect any sympathy but I needed to let this out somewhere. Maybe there is somebody who can relate.

Hi fox,

I can understand your pain and I feel it for you. You sound like a truly good friend--the way you describe your friend shows that you really appreciated and loved them, and there is no hint of bitterness there. I can tell you are a good person. I know what you mean about living in your head--I live most of my life in my head as well.

I know you must be hurting, and I don't have any real advice except that from your "novel" as you call it, I can already tell that you are the sort of person I like. You say that people leave you once they see who you are on the inside, but it seems to me that you are caring and thoughtful on the inside. I don't know exactly what your situation is but don't give up hope. I wish you the best, and thank you for sharing. I think you will find plenty of support here.

Although you wrote that you don't hope or expect sympathy, I am sending you a lot of sympathy and hugs.
The end of a close friendship is devastating and my heart really goes out to you. Is there no way that the friendship could be mended, maybe in several months time when things may have died down a bit? Or is it irrevocably over?
Making new friends can be hard-like you, I have made what I had hoped would be close friends over the last few years, only for the friendships to die away after a while. I doubt very much that it is anything in you which caused the other friendships to end-sometimes people realise that they are not compatible for reasons which are noone's fault.
You may have no other friends in real life, but there are plenty of us on here who are willing to offer you the hand of friendship.

Im sorry to hear about this, Fox.
It's sad when we have to cut someone out of our lives that we considered them our very best friend.
I can't offer much advice because I'm crap at making friends as well.
(((((Fox)))))

I'm too exhausted emotionally to say much else for now, but thank you very much for the kind words everyone

Fox is it not possible you could reconnect with this person and try the friendship again? I wont ask you to go into all you are going through because you said you dont want to. But it seems to me if they mean that much then the answer is trying to reconnect with them and forgive them for whatever it was that happened. I think theres a lot of things in life people can do to us that hurt us and make us even hate one another at times, but forgiveness if you can find it in your heart is one of the most rewarding and humane things a person can do. Its a gift to the other person, but also to yourself. Im sorry youre hurting so bad, and i hope things get better for you.

I have been in exactly this situation, and it was one of the most painful things I have ever had to go through. It's been almost 10 years since then, and it still hurts to this day. I can't help, but I do empathize and I'm wishing you the very best.

Neither do I. It's been this way for years. Sure, I'll meet people here and there that I think are friends, but of course they aren't. No one ever sticks around. It gets to a point where you just have to accept it and learn to how to be alone. I know it can be done, but I swear it seems impossible. I really want a dog.

Without going in to specific details...

I really wish things could work out between us, but I haven't any hope for it. I tried to work through with him the issue that caused all of this, but he would have none of it... just lashed out at me. I think he wanted the outcome to be what it was.

He's a wonderful person and one of the kindest people I have ever met, but he doesn't seem to be able to / want to think rationally about this. He has his own personal issues and I have tried so much to be patient and understanding... we worked through a lot of scenarios like this in the past, and I always felt later that our friendship had come out stronger for it. But there's a theme here where he lashes out at me and I'm puzzled why, it's almost always due to some thing that I think was some minor event or misunderstanding but he thinks it's a huge deal and comes to all these extreme, negative, almost paranoid sounding conclusions from it and in reaction says things to hurt me greatly.

By no means do I mean to say I've never done anything wrong in our friendship. I certainly have. But the difference I feel is I've always been willing to try to overcome it, to make things right, to grow as a person so it doesn't happen again. I've come a very long way since I met him. I don't think he's willing to do that.

As it is, he has ways to contact me if he really wanted to... but I don't think he wants to, I think ultimately he's glad I'm gone and I don't think I'll ever hear from him again.

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Solivagant said:

I have been in exactly this situation, and it was one of the most painful things I have ever had to go through. It's been almost 10 years since then, and it still hurts to this day. I can't help, but I do empathize and I'm wishing you the very best.

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Thank you, and I'm so sorry you had to go through this as well. I don't think I'll ever really get over it either...

Unwanted94 said:

Neither do I. It's been this way for years. Sure, I'll meet people here and there that I think are friends, but of course they aren't. No one ever sticks around. It gets to a point where you just have to accept it and learn to how to be alone. I know it can be done, but I swear it seems impossible. I really want a dog.

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I feel like this is the case for me as well... Just have to accept being alone. There's a part of me that wishes and hopes that isn't the case, wishes I will find someone who will stick around, but I'm just so tired of it all at this point.

Dogs are a great help though. If you are in, or can come in to a position that you can adopt one, I highly recommend it. My dogs are keeping me alive right now. They are the only thing that truly are bringing me comfort. I'd be inconsolable sobbing day and night if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be able to sleep or eat...

But because I have them, the times I have let out the tears, they have come over to comfort me. Crawled in my lap and licked the tears away. When I've gone to bed, they curled up next to me and made what would otherwise seem a cold, empty bed in a dark, miserable room... as comfortable and warm as it could be for someone who is feeling the way I am. They know that I'm in pain and they've been extra attentive and affectionate to me. And because I also have to be there for them, I am able to force myself to eat a bit, to take care of myself just enough so that I can take care of them.

fox said:

But there's a theme here where he lashes out at me and I'm puzzled why, it's almost always due to some thing that I think was some minor event or misunderstanding but he thinks it's a huge deal and comes to all these extreme, negative, almost paranoid sounding conclusions from it and in reaction says things to hurt me greatly.

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That happens to me a lot. It's emotionally exhausting.

Without knowing all the details, it sounds like it might not be over for good. I've had friends like that in the past (albeit not very good ones), and they usually come around again once things have blown over and they start to feel more lonely than angry. And especially since you two were such good friends, I doubt he'll stay away forever.

I had a friend of mine who had borderline personality disorder i used to talk to her online, i dont have any real life friends much anymore. But anyway wed gotten pretty close used to talk on the phone some, emailed alot got along good. But due to her disorder she would always think i was lieing to her about something and blow up about things and after so many times of her doing it i realized i couldnt do it anymore and i let her know. Didnt hear from her for about six months then i ran across her on some forums we used to go to and we spoke and we were civil. Its just so awkward and weird when you see them again after that happens. And there really is no good answer for it, except what youre doing and moving on.

I read too your response there about your dogs keeping you alive, ive got cats and dogs myself and they really are great people and never let you down so im glad you have them there to be with you and help you not feel alone. I think pets are the way well all treat each other in heaven. All love and warmth and smiles and hugs. But it wont be cheesy like a kids cartoon, no carebear stares or catchy themesongs. I think itll just be a fact of life, and we all accept it and see clearly. Im looking forward to that day. Itll get better time works slow, but you will heal from this and one day youll be able to use it as a learning experience to grow stronger, even if that seems like the farthest thing from your mind and heart right now.

Thank you for the input and support everyone

I have no hope of the friendship ever being mended, because it's in his hands whether that happens or not, and I have no reason to believe that he wants that. I will not try to initiate contact with him.

I'm just going to focus from here on, to some how cope with being alone

I'm going to tell you like I have tried to show someone who has hurt me yet I remained friend to them.

Do you want the friendship with this person or not? Because if you do, then so shall it be. If you were wrong, OWN up to it. Ask and BEHAVE for forgiveness. If your friend was wrong, FORGIVE your friend. Give your friend the opportunity(ies) to accept and behave for your forgiveness.

I'm a fool for thinking I will be able to cope with this...

Hey fox.

I completely empathise with you. I had to let the best friend I've ever had go nearly two years ago. He could be wonderful sometimes but most of the time he was bitter, sullen and just plain cruel, especially towards the end. When I would try to call him on his behaviour he would make it my fault or say something horrible that would cut me to the bone. Seeing him became really taxing, I was a nervous wreck around him, always feeling that I had to be on guard. I agonised for the better part of a year about ending the friendship before I decided I couldn't keep putting myself through the stress. After the last time I saw him I felt great sadness but also great relief. Like you, I knew by that point that he would probably be relieved that I'd cut ties and he would never contact me again. I remember him fondly despite all that happened between us.

You'll make other friends in time, fox. And through making new friendships you'll see more and more that you did the right thing by ending this friendship. A friend should be someone who enhances your life, not someone who makes you feel worse about it.

I'm guessing he liked you in 'that' way but you didn't feel the same and he lashed out. Now he's gone no contact forever.

i found myself in the same boat not too long ago. you'd be surprised how quickly things can turn around for you if you just start reaching out. try some meetup groups in your area with people with similar interests. or try a church. after awhile, if you stay in these groups long enough, you'll hopefully find friends, or at least acquaintances.

jjam said:

I'm going to tell you like I have tried to show someone who has hurt me yet I remained friend to them.

Do you want the friendship with this person or not? Because if you do, then so shall it be. If you were wrong, OWN up to it. Ask and BEHAVE for forgiveness. If your friend was wrong, FORGIVE your friend. Give your friend the opportunity(ies) to accept and behave for your forgiveness.

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Believe when I say i have gone through the same experience not much long ago... Life was bitter for me when I had to let go of my best friend and he started hating me for my decision.. I wanted him so much in my life.. He will never know how i had to kill my heart to let him go, to walk away from him... One day I hope he forgives me.. but i know deep inside me that his ego will never let him forgive me... He never gave me the opportunity to apologize...