I have absolutely no will to live any more...

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fox

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Not even my dogs, who are so dear to me, who I love and care about so much, they are the world to me... I can't even convince myself to go on for them any more. I'm a shitty owner any way. I do my best, but I'm usually feeling too horrible to go outside so I can walk them.. They love me unconditionally, they cuddled up next to me earlier when I was laying in bed crying, they would not leave my side, but this is because they are naive. They don't understand what a worthless piece of honeysuckle I am and how much better their lives could be

I don't know what to do from here. I've tried so hard to be strong, I've tried to do everything right... it is never enough. I am exhausted and tired of trying. Despite what I know rationally, I don't think I'm even human. Something is missing in me. It might be all the head injuries I had in my life, it might be I was born without it, but I am not whole. No matter what I do, no matter what meds I am on, the moment I think I might be heading to be stable, my volatility shows again. I wreck every friendship I have. I lose everyone I ever become close to. The common denominator is me. I'm so tired of it all.
 
Your dogs aren't naive, they know something is wrong and are comforting you the only way they know how. They love you. That's the thing about dogs and make them such wonderful companions.

You seem in a real bad spot and frankly it might be due to some of the medication you are on. A lot of side effects of drugs, even ones that are supposed to help with depression can make it worse. Please go see a doctor and see if your medication is contributing to your state of mind.

Do not just sit there and cry, take your dogs for a walk and get out of the house even though you don't want to. When you are in the state of mind you are in you have to force yourself to do things even though you don't feel like it. If you don't get up and get out you never will.

But don't listen to me if you don't want to, I'm just an idiot nobody who is trying to helpa stranger.
 
I certainly don't think it's a matter of strength or weakness. I think its a matter of doing small things, like getting up washing my face and getting out in the fresh air with my dog. Moving, being glad I can move, and looking not inside at whats wrong, but outside myself, noticing small things like the frost on the hedge, the exact color of the sky today or the acrid smell of someone burning leaves.

You dig yourself out of a hole a shovel full at a time, just start with one spadeful and ultimately there is progress
 
fox said:
Not even my dogs, who are so dear to me, who I love and care about so much, they are the world to me... I can't even convince myself to go on for them any more. I'm a shitty owner any way. I do my best, but I'm usually feeling too horrible to go outside so I can walk them.. They love me unconditionally, they cuddled up next to me earlier when I was laying in bed crying, they would not leave my side, but this is because they are naive. They don't understand what a worthless piece of honeysuckle I am and how much better their lives could be

I don't know what to do from here. I've tried so hard to be strong, I've tried to do everything right... it is never enough. I am exhausted and tired of trying. Despite what I know rationally, I don't think I'm even human. Something is missing in me. It might be all the head injuries I had in my life, it might be I was born without it, but I am not whole. No matter what I do, no matter what meds I am on, the moment I think I might be heading to be stable, my volatility shows again. I wreck every friendship I have. I lose everyone I ever become close to. The common denominator is me. I'm so tired of it all.

you need to stop trying to make things go your way.
Let it all go, stop listening to your negative thoughts.
Thoughts are not always coming from a good place.
get a good meditation to releave your stress.
here is a free one. " antidote for all"
It Is free
madera
 
Their life may be better, but they would miss you. And that's the point of it all, isn't it? It's not always about being in a better situation. It's about liking where you are at, and I'm sure they love exactly where they are as long as they can be with you. That's something worth living, fighting, and striving for if you ask me. They do love you unconditionally, so it's not them being naive; It's them being genuine.
 
I want to keep going for them.. I try...
A few days ago I was thinking... okay, baby steps.. take it in baby steps. I forced myself to take a shower and eat some fruit, because for a long time if I manage to eat anything at all, it's junk.
I forced myself to go to my psychiatrist, I missed the appointment before that, but I forced myself to make a new one and go.
I did.. I felt slightly better.. for a little while.
But even these small things, they quickly they begin to fail to work. I always go back to feeling this way. I can never manage very long before I fall back into the suffering.
I am selfish, incredibly selfish, I know this. I have others in my care and I can't see past my suffering for them. It goes to show what a worthless piece of honeysuckle I am.
I want to fight and I've fought but I am so exhausted...
 
An inhuman, worthless piece of honeysuckle. I can relate. And I've often thought that something is missing in me - some part of my brain didn't develop properly or maybe my parents didn't hug me enough. I don't know but you don't sound like a bad person (I'm more of a cat person myself, but anyway) and life doesn't have to be so honeysuckle. Probably.
 
Sorry to hear you're having such a bad time. Are you still in the same living situation you were in at Christmas? I was wondering what happened to you after the holidays.
Depression can turn out to be a vicious circle - you feel bad so you don't go out or interact with people, which makes you feel worse so you don't go out or interact with people...
Find what makes you feel better, dig deep and keep doing them, like going to your doctor, playing with your dogs and whatever else works for you and hopefully those brief periods of feeling good will get longer and start to run together.
Take care & let us know how you're doing :)

-Teresa
 
fox said:
But even these small things, they quickly they begin to fail to work. I always go back to feeling this way. I can never manage very long before I fall back into the suffering.
I am selfish, incredibly selfish, I know this. I have others in my care and I can't see past my suffering for them. It goes to show what a worthless piece of honeysuckle I am.
I want to fight and I've fought but I am so exhausted...

I'm just going to take a leap and make an assumption here and I could be wrong or come of like an ass, either way I hope you get what I'm talking about.

You keep failing and falling back into this depressed state because it is what you are used to, it's familiar and comfortable even though it makes you feel like crap. It's easier because you don't have to do anything but wallow in your own self pity. You don't have to force yourself to do anything but sit there and cry. You don't have to fight and struggle to make things better. It's the easy way out.

Unless you did something horrible for which you deserve a miserable life, and I'm talking something bad, criminally bad. If not then you don't you are just letting yourself think you do. You think there is some reason or something you must have done that you deserve a life like this. Somehow, someone, something is punishing you. You're wrong. We are the only ones who can punish ourselves and there comes a point in your life when you have to get over it and move on. Sorry I don't have the magic answer because I haven't figured it out myself either. But somewhere the answer is out there and you won't find it locked up in your room crying in your pillow.
 
No... it is not something I am comfortable with, and I have fought hard. Nothing about this is easy and no matter how hard I fight, I still don't want to be here on this earth.

About a year and a half ago I checked myself in inpatient psychiatric hospital because I was suicidal, I stayed there for a week, and then after that I went to outpatient intensive therapy every weekday for months. It was hard as hell but I forced myself to go. I put in every effort available to me then to turn myself around. During the duration of the outpatient program, the day before thanksgiving I tried to kill myself. That was my most recent attempt. My first time I tried to kill myself, I was a preteen getting sexually abused on a regular basis and living in a horrible family situation, puking nearly every day because I had no choice but to go to school, which is the only place that may have been worse than home. There were a couple attempts between those.. I guess as with everything I am a failure at that too.

Since the end of outpatient I've tried extremely hard to change things for myself. I forced myself to go outside much more often even though I am deathly afraid of being in public or going outside, it is bordering on agoraphobic, but I did it for myself and later also my dogs. I went on hikes at nature trails, dog park, meetup, tried to maintain a friendship with someone I met in the hospital, got my puppy and went out much as possible to socialize him and go to puppy classes, recently tried reaching out to tons of new people to make friends(failed again, and again, and again...), got a job. Things that on the surface, my life should be better, and superficially at times I felt better.

I've been regularly seeing a psychiatric doctor and prescribed all sorts of different medication, different combinations of medication, different types of medication, always hopeful that something will make me stable and feel better, but still here I am.

I feel completely alien around other human beings. I try reaching out to people who share common interests and common ground as me... there's no reason why we shouldn't make a connection, but that never happens. Even people I think I have a deep connection with, inevtiably they drift away and I realize, much as I thought we were close, they were just as alien to me as everyone else, and I was just desperately grasping on to the idea of having someone to relate to, someone to talk to on a deeper level than "hi how's the weather", someone who cares about me. But I am too messed up to have that.

But through all this trying and fighting and failing, I become exhausted. It's not easy to be exhausted in this way. It's not a physical exhaustion though most of the time I feel that too, but it's exhaustion of life, of everything. Exhaustion of even all the things that are supposed to make me happy.

I don't see what else I can reasonably do or try. Some times you just have to realize it's not and never will be a winning battle, the opponents are all too strong, and call it quits.
 
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fox said:
No... it is not something I am comfortable with, and I have fought hard. Nothing about this is easy and no matter how hard I fight, I still don't want to be here on this earth.

About a year and a half ago I checked myself in inpatient psychiatric hospital because I was suicidal, I stayed there for a week, and then after that I went to outpatient intensive therapy every weekday for months. It was hard as hell but I forced myself to go. I put in every effort available to me then to turn myself around. During the duration of the outpatient program, the day before thanksgiving I tried to kill myself. That was my most recent attempt. My first time I tried to kill myself, I was a preteen getting sexually abused on a regular basis and living in a horrible family situation, puking nearly every day because I had no choice but to go to school, which is the only place that may have been worse than home. There were a couple attempts between those.. I guess as with everything I am a failure at that too.

Since the end of outpatient I've tried extremely hard to change things for myself. I forced myself to go outside much more often even though I am deathly afraid of being in public or going outside, it is bordering on agoraphobic, but I did it for myself and later also my dogs. I went on hikes at nature trails, dog park, meetup, tried to maintain a friendship with someone I met in the hospital, got my puppy and went out much as possible to socialize him and go to puppy classes, recently tried reaching out to tons of new people to make friends(failed again, and again, and again...), got a job. Things that on the surface, my life should be better, and superficially at times I felt better.

I've been regularly seeing a psychiatric doctor and prescribed all sorts of different medication, different combinations of medication, different types of medication, always hopeful that something will make me stable and feel better, but still here I am.

I feel completely alien around other human beings. I try reaching out to people who share common interests and common ground as me... there's no reason why we shouldn't make a connection, but that never happens. Even people I think I have a deep connection with, inevtiably they drift away and I realize, much as I thought we were close, they were just as alien to me as everyone else, and I was just desperately grasping on to the idea of having someone to relate to, someone to talk to on a deeper level than "hi how's the weather", someone who cares about me. But I am too messed up to have that.

But through all this trying and fighting and failing, I become exhausted. It's not easy to be exhausted in this way. It's not a physical exhaustion though most of the time I feel that too, but it's exhaustion of life, of everything. Exhaustion of even all the things that are supposed to make me happy.

I don't see what else I can reasonably do or try. Some times you just have to realize it's not and never will be a winning battle, the opponents are all too strong, and call it quits.

Hi
This battle started as children and the way to win it is not to try to win it, but to study ourselves.
Do we carry resentment towards those who have hurt us, or do we forgive them?

Forgivenss leads to healing while unforgivness leads io emotional problemms.
We have to look at ourselves,, in order to grow by not blaming our circumstances.
Our thoughts can destroy us if they dwell on past mistakes..

we need to forgive ourselves and others to heal.
Madera
 
I don't even hold any anger any more toward those who have hurt me...
I'm just sad


Thank you everyone who responded and tried to help
I'm just too tired
 
OmuUzNS.jpg
 
fox said:
I don't even hold any anger any more toward those who have hurt me...
I'm just sad


Thank you everyone who responded and tried to help
I'm just too tired



Hi
sadness about what, what do you regret.?
I know when I am sad, there is a reason for it.
Do you feel sorry for yourself? That can bring you down and sap your energy.

I dont know why this comes to mind, but,, have you had your thyroid checked , tirednness is a sympton.

If what I have said does not apply to you,
perhaps others can benefit by it.
good luck to you Fox.
 
I managed to convince myself that I'm an alien of some sort. So yeah, I can relate. It's debilitating.
 
Fox, know that you are love and cared for here... I know you feel outside of here there aren't many people to make a connection with, but i am positive that you are loved and cared for out there...even if it doesn't feel like it.

Your puppies love you, they need you. You need them.

I'm glad you are still in contact with your doctor, sometimes it takes many different cominations of meds before they get it right. Please keep trying. I know exhusting it all can be... belive me, I do. You are not alone. keep reaching out, even if you are too tired.

(hug) xoxoxoxo
 
Unwanted94 said:
I managed to convince myself that I'm an alien of some sort. So yeah, I can relate. It's debilitating.

hj unwanted
Just want to say you are wanted by God,, He says if the world loves you, beware,
For the world loves its own. You are not of the world and if it rejects you, it is because you are a child of God, you are blessed.
Be thankful. Not debilitaded.
madera
 
Fox I know what it feels to be exhausted, all the responsabilities are mine (broken things, sick pets....) and the guilt that feel caring our pets (feeding, veterinarian, water..) but not enjoying them, dont play with them. When im at home the only thing that i do is stay in the internet and i know i have the most beautiful pets in the world.
 
jaguarundi said:
I certainly don't think it's a matter of strength or weakness. I think its a matter of doing small things, like getting up washing my face and getting out in the fresh air with my dog. Moving, being glad I can move, and looking not inside at whats wrong, but outside myself, noticing small things like the frost on the hedge, the exact color of the sky today or the acrid smell of someone burning leaves.

You dig yourself out of a hole a shovel full at a time, just start with one spadeful and ultimately there is progress

GOOD FOR YOU. ONE DAY AT A TIME, DO WHAT WE CAN IS A BLESSING.
MADERA
 

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