Deep feelings for my only friend

Hi,

I'm new here but I'm in dire need of help. I made a new friend(my only real life friend) in September and made it clear right away I wanted to date her. She said she only wants to be friends and isn't looking for anything more as she is going through stuff in her life. Well it hurt but I've continued on trying to be friends as I can really use a friend. During this time I already feel like I'm in love with her, but I don't know if it's love or some sort of obsession for her. I'm the happiest person on the entire planet when I'm around her but soon after I leave I start to miss her.

Well fast forward to this week to make it short I find out she has strong feelings for someone else. It tore me up inside and I cried and cried it hurt so bad. I am very alone and I can use her friendship, but I just think I feel too strongly for her at this point to be friends only. It wasn't so bad when there wasn't someone else, but now that there is it kills me inside. I can't seem to cut the emotions away. I've tried but I just can't do it!

I'm thinking about cutting off the friendship as much as it hurts. It just hurts me too much! It's been 8 years since my last time with a women(I'm 29) and it's very painful to feel left out of everything. I just don't understand what makes me so undesirable! She says she sees me as the potential for a great friend. But why not more???

What would you all do in my shoes? I don't want to do the wrong thing and lose a friend! I don't like feeling like this either.

Please help! Thanks!

As much as it hurts, if she only wants you as a friend,then you need to accept that. It is her decicion to stay as friends,and you as a friend,need to respect her decision. At least you are still friends.

Does she know how unhappy you are feeling now that she has developped feelings for someone else? Maybe you could talk to her about it and see if this helps. It might be an idea to tell her that you want to keep the friendship but that for a while you need not to see her, giving your feelings a chance to maybe become less intense.

Tiina63 said:

Does she know how unhappy you are feeling now that she has developped feelings for someone else? Maybe you could talk to her about it and see if this helps. It might be an idea to tell her that you want to keep the friendship but that for a while you need not to see her, giving your feelings a chance to maybe become less intense.

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I couldn't bear it anymore and talked to her about this exactly. I was shaking the entire time not wanting to do it at all! She understood and says she'll be here when I'm ready. I was afraid it might push her away for good but thankfully if I can get my feelings it check we can pick up where we left off. It's super difficult and I don't even know I can do it!! I see her at work a couple times a week as she works for a store I'm a vendor at. Hopefully I can avoid her enough to get through this.

I have been there before, it is not fun. If you can't get over her, the best thing you can do is distance yourself. Many people fall in love with people who don't love them back romantically. I have even had it happen with me a couple times where someone thought they loved me. I even went as far as to give it a chance, but I wasn't doing her any favors. If she doesn't feel any sparks with you, even if you manage to talk her into dating you or more, you will never be happy together. You need someone who really wants to be with you, otherwise you will be better off on you own.

ApexRacer said:

Tiina63 said:

Does she know how unhappy you are feeling now that she has developped feelings for someone else? Maybe you could talk to her about it and see if this helps. It might be an idea to tell her that you want to keep the friendship but that for a while you need not to see her, giving your feelings a chance to maybe become less intense.

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I couldn't bear it anymore and talked to her about this exactly. I was shaking the entire time not wanting to do it at all! She understood and says she'll be here when I'm ready. I was afraid it might push her away for good but thankfully if I can get my feelings it check we can pick up where we left off. It's super difficult and I don't even know I can do it!! I see her at work a couple times a week as she works for a store I'm a vendor at. Hopefully I can avoid her enough to get through this.

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She sounds really kind and understanding and I can see why you feel so strongly for her. It's good that she says she will be there when you are ready to see her again. It's really hard loving someone who doesn't feel the same way back-come here to vent whenever you need to as many of us have been in the same situation and can understand how it feels.

Thank you. I didn't sleep a wink last night it was horrible. The guy she's seeing now is actually her ex. It's why she hasn't been interested in anything with anyone. Oh well.

That same thing happened to me once. You will get over her. Some day she may realize what she could have had, and by then you will have moved on. That guy was her ex for a reason!

I'm just going to be brutally honest and say it as it is.

I think yes, you have strong feelings for her. The fact that you feel happy when she is around is a big sign to me, and it's not a good situation when someone can have such influence. Essentially this is Oneitis - do you "think" she is ideal in so many ways and that no one is comparable to her (well, hard in your case if she's your only friend)? The way to describe how you felt when she had feelings for another guy pretty tells it. And this situation, as you probably know, is exacerbated because of your lack of abundance. If hypothetically you had lots of good quality lady friends she may not seem that special.

I've been in a similar situation where we're basically best friends and I even slept over in the same bed a few times (I did not try it, it was more friend sleep over) - so I know how it feels to be so close yet so far. However, I waited till she was over her ex and watched several guys trying it on with her before making my physical move and essentially turned it from friends to romantic relationship.

In my case I only hung in there because I could read the signs that she liked me. Girls are a bit weird in that they may not know consciously that they like you, then 6 months down the line they like you. So unless you think there's even a remote chance she likes you, then break away, trust me. You're too emotionally affected by her. Time does heal things and I bet you down the line a year later you'll be thinking "how the hell was I so in to that girl" and you may not even find her as attractive as you do now.

Some people just don't see another person as a love interest for whatever reason. They don't feel that connection, it doesn't mean they don't like you as a person, just not romantically. I had a friend who always had a crush on me since we were little kids, as we became teenagers she tried to push a relationship on me. I was not attracted to her in the same way, she was a friend I had since grade school and that's all I saw her as, a friend. She couldn't accept that and it destroyed our friendship. My brother had a friend he was interested in, she was not interested in being more than friends, she liked having him as a friend and was afraid being more would jeopardize that and she didn't want to. He had to accept that if he wanted to keep her as a friend, and they are still friends 20+ years later.

So if you can't just be friends with this girl then you'll have to cut her loose or else risk destroying the friendship and fond memories you have.

jasedude2002 said:

I'm just going to be brutally honest and say it as it is.

I think yes, you have strong feelings for her. The fact that you feel happy when she is around is a big sign to me, and it's not a good situation when someone can have such influence. Essentially this is Oneitis - do you "think" she is ideal in so many ways and that no one is comparable to her (well, hard in your case if she's your only friend)? The way to describe how you felt when she had feelings for another guy pretty tells it. And this situation, as you probably know, is exacerbated because of your lack of abundance. If hypothetically you had lots of good quality lady friends she may not seem that special.

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I believe you are 100% correct in saying she probably wouldn't be that special if I had more options. Now I give her personality a 10/10, but in the looks department she isn't even above average, but that attraction just kinda grew on me the deeper the connection grew with her. I have no other options and I could be single forever at this point. It's been far too long since I've even asked anyone out, kissed, etc. that I'm starving for it. Maybe I'm blinded by that and seeing her for more than she actually is.

Perhaps it is best NOT to try and pursue somebody just because you wish to be in a relationship. You're attracted to her for most of the wrong reasons. The fact that you give her personality a (rather arbitrary) 10/10 says that you're not completely in the wrong, but it sounds to me like you're just wanting her because she's your only option. That's pretty bad IMO. Go through with it if you'd like, but not unless you're going to be loving, caring, and sincere. I've seen too many hearts broken because the guy "just wanted a girlfriend".

Rahvin said:

Perhaps it is best NOT to try and pursue somebody just because you wish to be in a relationship. You're attracted to her for most of the wrong reasons. The fact that you give her personality a (rather arbitrary) 10/10 says that you're not completely in the wrong, but it sounds to me like you're just wanting her because she's your only option. That's pretty bad IMO. Go through with it if you'd like, but not unless you're going to be loving, caring, and sincere. I've seen too many hearts broken because the guy "just wanted a girlfriend".

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No way I'd never hurt her. I'd do absolutely everything in this entire world for her and I love her exactly how she is. She is absolutely beautiful in my eyes. Just because I have no other options right now doesn't mean I don't truly mean everything from the bottom of my heart.

ApexRacer said:

jasedude2002 said:

I'm just going to be brutally honest and say it as it is.

I think yes, you have strong feelings for her. The fact that you feel happy when she is around is a big sign to me, and it's not a good situation when someone can have such influence. Essentially this is Oneitis - do you "think" she is ideal in so many ways and that no one is comparable to her (well, hard in your case if she's your only friend)? The way to describe how you felt when she had feelings for another guy pretty tells it. And this situation, as you probably know, is exacerbated because of your lack of abundance. If hypothetically you had lots of good quality lady friends she may not seem that special.

Click to expand...

I believe you are 100% correct in saying she probably wouldn't be that special if I had more options. Now I give her personality a 10/10, but in the looks department she isn't even above average, but that attraction just kinda grew on me the deeper the connection grew with her. I have no other options and I could be single forever at this point. It's been far too long since I've even asked anyone out, kissed, etc. that I'm starving for it. Maybe I'm blinded by that and seeing her for more than she actually is.

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Looks can be easily benchmarked without even knowing others (i.e. just see what is walking past). But personality is harder to compare, especially in your case. Is the 10/10 out of a scarce sample of comparison? Lets say theoretically you met 100 random girls, and spent quality time knowing each one, I'm fairly confident you would no longer label her 10/10 for personality.

I totally get your last chance situation. Girls are bloody intuitive with sub-communications, and I would guess that she senses the neediness, and that's not attractive... I'm just afraid you'll keep on torturing yourself by being so close yet so far.

Lucky day - I had been planning on doing a friendzone video. Hope you find it somewhat useful:

jasedude2002 said:

Lucky day - I had been planning on doing a friendzone video. Hope you find it somewhat useful:

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Thank you.

Been there done that. My best friend tried and tried really hard until he managed to talk me into dating him. I saw him as an awesome friend, but lover....I was never romantically interested in him, I thought my feelings would changed as time passed, but they didn't. Something just always felt....wrong. Forced. Which is why it never worked between us, the sexual attraction, the sparks, just weren't there for me. Huge, huge mistake, the relationship was doomed to fail, and it did.

I say you should distance yourself from this girl, look for someone else.