How do you accept the fact that you'll be single forever?

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Esteem

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Female. Not pretty. Noticeable lack of intelligence. Outrageous lack of personality (no conversation, no comedic skills, nothing really unique about me).

Those are the cards life has handed me.

With that said, I'm pretty certain that I'll remain single forever or be with some desperate guy who decided to be with me because he really, really couldn't find anything better. Both prospects are very unpleasant.

Is any of you in the same situation? How do you deal with that?

It just makes me ache on a visceral level to know that I'll probably never have a satisfying love relationship or friendship in life because relationships are such a great source of happiness and meaning in life for everyone. Love songs are almost everything you hear on the radio. I want to live that toxic passion that everyone whines about. I want to feel alive.

But I never will. That's reserved for pretty girls, charming girls, funny girls and I'm not one of them.

So what do I do? From where else am I supposed to derive the happiness and satisfaction that will make me stop wondering every day what's the point of this life I'm living? It's going nowhere. The bad outweighs the good in my life right now and I'm just tired of it. I'm still here because I have a really strong survival instinct, not because I have many positives that genuinely make me desire to live. I'm tired of the social isolation. And the prospect of eternal isolation is getting harder and harder to bear with time.

I'm here because I hope that this forum will make me feel like I'm part of a group who understands me, a little family maybe, and substitute for my lack of friends.

I need a listening ear. I need your advice. I need support.

If you're dealing with the same thing, what is it like for you? What do you think I should do?
 
the saying goes , we are our own worse critic

I red your post and you said " Noticeable lack of intelligence"
I don't believe that for a second , you communicate way to well for any of that negative stuff to fly with me

I am new here, and like a pile of others for very similar issues so don't think your ever alone so don't go to that dark place

I wish I had all the answers or a way to make things better with just a snap of my fingers I would fix myself first and start a list of people to help

take the time to look around and see whats going on
 
Esteem said:
Female. Not pretty. Noticeable lack of intelligence. Outrageous lack of personality (no conversation, no comedic skills, nothing really unique about me).

Those are the cards life has handed me.

With that said, I'm pretty certain that I'll remain single forever or be with some desperate guy who decided to be with me because he really, really couldn't find anything better. Both prospects are very unpleasant.

Is any of you in the same situation? How do you deal with that?

It just makes me ache on a visceral level to know that I'll probably never have a satisfying love relationship or friendship in life because relationships are such a great source of happiness and meaning in life for everyone. Love songs are almost everything you hear on the radio. I want to live that toxic passion that everyone whines about. I want to feel alive.

But I never will. That's reserved for pretty girls, charming girls, funny girls and I'm not one of them.

So what do I do? From where else am I supposed to derive the happiness and satisfaction that will make me stop wondering every day what's the point of this life I'm living? It's going nowhere. The bad outweighs the good in my life right now and I'm just tired of it. I'm still here because I have a really strong survival instinct, not because I have many positives that genuinely make me desire to live. I'm tired of the social isolation. And the prospect of eternal isolation is getting harder and harder to bear with time.

I'm here because I hope that this forum will make me feel like I'm part of a group who understands me, a little family maybe, and substitute for my lack of friends.

I need a listening ear. I need your advice. I need support.

If you're dealing with the same thing, what is it like for you? What do you think I should do?

Well I am going to be single forever. That I know. I am just too unattractive for any woman to be interested.

How I cope ? I just do. I have to. I have to make the most of it. There is so much to do, so much to learn and experience. It isn't the end of the world when you think about it. No woman wants me. Big deal. I can still live a life, enjoy my life. Of course I think about it every day. And it seems it's everywhere, romance, all over the ******* place. Attractive people dating each other or whatever. It make me sick but there is no point complaining about it. Like you said, this is the life I got dealt with.

Advice ? There is nothing stopping you improving yourself. If you are not funny, learn to tell jokes or funny stories. Read stuff, become interested in things, have a point of view. And because your a woman, you can improve your looks, new hairstyle, clothes, makeup etc.
 
Yes, as a matter of fact I have. But now I'm so focused on digging myself out of the hole that I'm in, getting away from here.
I have goals in life, but it literally seems like I'm cursed. You get the picture...


Also, I have had an interest in psychedelics since I was pretty young. Here I am, and I have zero connections, so I can't get my hands on anything. Weed was my thing, but then I ran out, and lost contact. I must say that it was amazing feeling euphoric and dwelling in a world of my own. Depression creeps in like a thief in the night, like a black tidal wave of dread.

I'm aiming to move to Colorado, then, I could just go and buy it without an issue. I hate having to relying on other people. I'd grow it myself, but it's illegal where I live, and the consequences are too great if get busted. Meh. Such is life.
 
Esteem said:
If you're dealing with the same thing, what is it like for you? What do you think I should do?

I have to agree with Triple Bogey's advice - if there's something within yourself that you feel like you want to improve, then try to do that. If you don't like you, why would anyone else like you?
I'm not certain I will ever be in another long term relationship. There's a chance that I won't. But so what? I decided I don't want to spend the rest of my short, cosmic-blink life looking for something I may not get when there are so many other amazing and fantastic pursuits to undertake.
I've also realized that being part of a couple is not the only way to have deep and meaningful relationships although popular media will tell you otherwise.

-Teresa
 
I'll probably be single forever too, Esteem, but my own issues are different from yours.

The 'noticeable lack of intelligence' thing though, I do not buy into for a minute. You do not write like an unintelligent person.

How do I cope with perpetual singleness? I'm an older guy now, my youth is gone, aging brings acceptance and I'd really not wish that on you, so don't believe you'll never find someone, thinking you'll always be alone could become a self fulfilling prophecy......I know.

The survival instinct thing, I like about you, Esteem....surviving is positive, keep on surviving and the good should start outweighing the bad. Men will notice and respond to a confident woman.
 
Esteem said:
Female. Not pretty. Noticeable lack of intelligence. Outrageous lack of personality (no conversation, no comedic skills, nothing really unique about me).
- We are our worst critics. We notice features about ourselves that others wouldn't otherwise notice. The fact that you probably repeat the analysis and judgement blows it way out of proportion.

- I think there's 3 intelligences: book/education smart, social smart (calibration, social dynamics) and just smart. You write too well to be just "lacking intelligence"

- Personality can be improved. For me, I used to present so monotone and lack of energy, now I present with more passion and tonation. I used to prepare almost line for line, now I've got points I want to say but have a degree of free flowing in the moment.

Be honest with yourself. Are you just sitting in front of your computer most of the time feeling bad for yourself, believing what you believe. Or have you taken action and put effort to test what you believe and improve what you lack?
 
It really isn't that bad, there are positives. People who've been in a string of relationships seem to age quickly, probably due to the stress around worrying about what their partners are thinking/feeling and dealing with eventual breakups.

At least we get to avoid that. And there's much more time to educate yourself and experience other things.

Echoing other's thoughts, you're being way too hard on yourself, and a life alone is probably not even close to a foregone conclusion for you yet.
 
ardour said:
It really isn't that bad, there are positives. People who've been in a string of relationships seem to age quickly, probably due to the stress around worrying about what their partners are thinking/feeling and dealing with eventual breakups.

I don't think that has anything to do with aging.
 
I'm a guy, but I'm in the same boat. I'm the walking example of "Nobody". If I'm at any sort of social event I end up standing by myself, wishing I was back in my apartment reading, writing, going for a walk, etc. No girl has ever shown the slightest interest in me in any way and all the times I've tried to reach out to them, they look at me like I'm Frankenstein's monster. I'm not completely hideous, just so...blah.

So yes, I know how the OP feels. I picked the short straw in life and ended up as one of those people who isn't meant to spend their time with someone they love or who loves them back. I mean, there's a few perks (only having to worry about my own responsibilities, for example) but the loneliness can get crushingly heavy as time goes on.
 
Really, it breaks my heart seeing all these people who have just given up. I can promise, if you want to be single, if you tell yourself you always will be, then you will be. Confidence makes a difference. Also, if you don't like or love yourself, then no one else would. Would you want to date you? Would you date someone who had no interests, passions, or confidence? I see unattractive, unintelligent, even homeless and drug addled people with lovers all the time. Find things that you enjoy, that make you happy, that get you out of the house. Engage the human race. Show love to other people who are alone and suffering, the homeless, the sick, the old, the abandoned. Take out a personal ad, be humble and don't list all the things you want or don't want, just say that you're a human being looking for someone to love. You might be surprised.
 
It's no easier for someone who has all that you think you're lacking. As other people have said you come across as intelligent and proper for the way you structure your sentences. Funny thing is i've heard many attractive people claim they will be alone for the rest of their lives or the 'cat lady' when in fact they're not like that and some are back with another person in a week or month.

You'll be ok just try to improve what you can do. Take up new hobbies even if they're just for you with no one else involved you might learn more about yourself. Get planning to have a goal to work towards and put your passion into getting there. Believe in yourself you're better than you think.
 
Amthorn said:
Really, it breaks my heart seeing all these people who have just given up. I can promise, if you want to be single, if you tell yourself you always will be, then you will be. Confidence makes a difference. Also, if you don't like or love yourself, then no one else would. Would you want to date you? Would you date someone who had no interests, passions, or confidence? I see unattractive, unintelligent, even homeless and drug addled people with lovers all the time. Find things that you enjoy, that make you happy, that get you out of the house. Engage the human race. Show love to other people who are alone and suffering, the homeless, the sick, the old, the abandoned. Take out a personal ad, be humble and don't list all the things you want or don't want, just say that you're a human being looking for someone to love. You might be surprised.

Not trying to speak for Esteem here, but~

I hear "love yourself first" and "if you don't like something about yourself then fix it" a lot when it comes to these situations. But what if its physically impossible to fix the thing(s) that are keeping us from achieving the confidence necessary to go out into the world?

I don't "want" to be single, I'm sure most people in the same boat don't want to be. But when the world has beaten you down into thinking that that's the way things are going to stay, it's near impossible to convince yourself otherwise.
 
Amthorn said:
Really, it breaks my heart seeing all these people who have just given up. I can promise, if you want to be single, if you tell yourself you always will be, then you will be. Confidence makes a difference. Also, if you don't like or love yourself, then no one else would. Would you want to date you? Would you date someone who had no interests, passions, or confidence? I see unattractive, unintelligent, even homeless and drug addled people with lovers all the time. Find things that you enjoy, that make you happy, that get you out of the house. Engage the human race. Show love to other people who are alone and suffering, the homeless, the sick, the old, the abandoned. Take out a personal ad, be humble and don't list all the things you want or don't want, just say that you're a human being looking for someone to love. You might be surprised.

I think having confidence is over rated.

I have interests, passions and confidence. Doesn't help me whatsoever.
And I like myself.
 
Esteem said:
Female. Not pretty. Noticeable lack of intelligence. Outrageous lack of personality (no conversation, no comedic skills, nothing really unique about me).

Those are the cards life has handed me.

With that said, I'm pretty certain that I'll remain single forever or be with some desperate guy who decided to be with me because he really, really couldn't find anything better. Both prospects are very unpleasant.

Is any of you in the same situation? How do you deal with that?

It just makes me ache on a visceral level to know that I'll probably never have a satisfying love relationship or friendship in life because relationships are such a great source of happiness and meaning in life for everyone. Love songs are almost everything you hear on the radio. I want to live that toxic passion that everyone whines about. I want to feel alive.

But I never will. That's reserved for pretty girls, charming girls, funny girls and I'm not one of them.

So what do I do? From where else am I supposed to derive the happiness and satisfaction that will make me stop wondering every day what's the point of this life I'm living? It's going nowhere. The bad outweighs the good in my life right now and I'm just tired of it. I'm still here because I have a really strong survival instinct, not because I have many positives that genuinely make me desire to live. I'm tired of the social isolation. And the prospect of eternal isolation is getting harder and harder to bear with time.

I'm here because I hope that this forum will make me feel like I'm part of a group who understands me, a little family maybe, and substitute for my lack of friends.

I need a listening ear. I need your advice. I need support.

If you're dealing with the same thing, what is it like for you? What do you think I should do?

I'm a guy and I think its crazy that ud think ud be single. all girls are beautiful and you shouldn't put urself down u are beautiful too.
 
I justify it, saying I'd be a neglectful boyfriend. In a way that's true. I feel most comfortable in my solitude and knowing myself, I'd try to find excuses to keep it that way. I'd also quickly want to get out of the relationship after starting it, but I'd be too chicken to break up. Naturally, this would mean I'd accidentally wind up making the situation even WORSE for both of us.

Also, I don't know. I just don't see much of a benefit in relationships like that. With friendships, my friends usually have someone more important in their lives than me, so I can comfortably balance the scales however I see fit between time spent alone and time spent with them and nobody will feel any different because I'm not the main focus in anyone's life. I like this way of going about. In a relationship, if I did that, from what I've heard, it spells doom for one because I'd ALWAYS have to be around the person, which would be incredibly stressful for me, thinking about everything I say and do 24/7 and being buried in an endless stream of commitments. I'm not even used to seeing friends on a daily basis, so it would be difficult to not be completely stressed out after a few days.
 
Amthorn said:
Really, it breaks my heart seeing all these people who have just given up. I can promise, if you want to be single, if you tell yourself you always will be, then you will be. Confidence makes a difference. Also, if you don't like or love yourself, then no one else would. Would you want to date you? Would you date someone who had no interests, passions, or confidence? I see unattractive, unintelligent, even homeless and drug addled people with lovers all the time. Find things that you enjoy, that make you happy, that get you out of the house. Engage the human race. Show love to other people who are alone and suffering, the homeless, the sick, the old, the abandoned. Take out a personal ad, be humble and don't list all the things you want or don't want, just say that you're a human being looking for someone to love. You might be surprised.

this is well meaning, and it makes sense to look at life this way irrespective of the possibility of a relationship... but if the opposite sex don't find your looks or the way you hold yourself immediately appealing, they often don't want to know. That tired adage of women deciding whether they like a man within a short time of meeting him still applies.
 
I agree with Ardour. The saying that "first impressions are everything" applies only too well to meeting people. For those of us (such as myself) that aren't blessed with ridiculously good looks or incredible social confidence, it's a constant uphill struggle to even be noticed.
 
Shiloh253 said:
I'm a guy, but I'm in the same boat. I'm the walking example of "Nobody". If I'm at any sort of social event I end up standing by myself, wishing I was back in my apartment reading, writing, going for a walk, etc. No girl has ever shown the slightest interest in me in any way and all the times I've tried to reach out to them, they look at me like I'm Frankenstein's monster. I'm not completely hideous, just so...blah.

So yes, I know how the OP feels. I picked the short straw in life and ended up as one of those people who isn't meant to spend their time with someone they love or who loves them back. I mean, there's a few perks (only having to worry about my own responsibilities, for example) but the loneliness can get crushingly heavy as time goes on.

This. +1


Amthorn said:
Really, it breaks my heart seeing all these people who have just given up. I can promise, if you want to be single, if you tell yourself you always will be, then you will be. Confidence makes a difference. Also, if you don't like or love yourself, then no one else would. Would you want to date you? Would you date someone who had no interests, passions, or confidence? I see unattractive, unintelligent, even homeless and drug addled people with lovers all the time. Find things that you enjoy, that make you happy, that get you out of the house. Engage the human race. Show love to other people who are alone and suffering, the homeless, the sick, the old, the abandoned. Take out a personal ad, be humble and don't list all the things you want or don't want, just say that you're a human being looking for someone to love. You might be surprised.

I really appreciate your enthusiasm, but I don't regret not looking anymore. I became convinced that no one could ever love me for the person that I am, and you're right about seeing homeless and drug addled people with lovers. But my mind's elsewhere now. I figured that if it's meant to be, then maybe it'll happen someday, but I don't see it happening anymore, and I can't have my mind wrapped around this because I realize I have so much that I can do with my life.

I don't feel bad either. Sure, maybe you could call it being pessimistic or cynical, but when you're all alone, and **** near ready to shoot your brains out, you try to avoid as much hurt as you can. Rejection is just another bullet to my non-existent self-esteem. It's a bullet I shamelessly avoid.
 
Shiloh253 said:
I agree with Ardour. The saying that "first impressions are everything" applies only too well to meeting people. For those of us (such as myself) that aren't blessed with ridiculously good looks or incredible social confidence, it's a constant uphill struggle to even be noticed.

Sometimes, first impressions don't last. Impressions of people can change.
 
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